To want to scream ITS YOUR FAULT at my mum??

[Maybetom]

I love my mum, we get on really well and are extremely similar. I’m 22, and the only daughter out of four children. As I said, me and my mum get on really well, however we’ve never been the type to talk about sex, periods, boys etc. I don’t think she ever gave me the talk as a teenager, learnt everything from school. I’m so fine with this, as a teenager I would’ve found it mortifying and now I’m just not in the habit of it so just talk to my friends about this stuff instead.

However at least once a month she’ll say she wishes I would talk to her about these things. She compares us to her sister in law (my step dads sister) and her daughter, who are extremely open about these things and talks about how much she wishes I’d do the same. I just want to scream ITS YOUR FAULT and ITS A TWO WAY THING at her. I don’t think I’ve ever so much as heard her say the word sex, I’ve never heard her talk casually about periods for example saying that she’s on her period or saying that she needs to get tampons (again, have no problem with us not discussing these things just don’t understand how she expects me to do it when the conversation has never been opened by her).

When I was home for Christmas, she saw my pill packet on my bedside table and said she was really sad that I didn’t feel I could tell her that I was on the pill. Its so frustrating because she doesn’t seem to understand that she’s made this topics seem taboo.

AIBU is it her fault or should I be more open

Be honest with her. She doesn't have the right to guilt trip you into extending your boundaries because she feels like she is missing out.

It's a privacy thing. Some people are sharers, some people aren't. There's no need to talk to anyone about these things unless you choose to. I have zero desire to know the intimate details of my mum's life, and I'm not sharing that sort of thing about myself with anyone either. Anyone being pushy about it is overstepping IMO.

she was really sad that I didn’t feel I could tell her that I was on the pill.

It is absolutely none of her business what medication you are taking as a grown woman!

It’s her fault.

Why on Earth would you discuss contraception with her?! Even if you were close that’s a weird topic for an adult child.

my mum is similar, never once had the period or sex talk and still uses silly words like “monthlies” to refer to periods or “floo” to refer to vagina. I’m early 40’s!! I do say FFS mum just say period, you won’t burn. I find it pathetic. My mum also makes all the right noises about being loving - send cards with lots of platitudes about “To my darling angel daughter love you all the world, to the moon and back” but is actually, in person, very difficult, judgmental and passive aggressive towards me.

It’s like these mums want to tell others about their amazing mother/daughter relationship rather actually wanting to have that. The pressure to be close, whilst putting in no effort, is creepy and overbearing

After the contraceptive pill comment, I think it would have been ok to gently say to your mum “well you didn’t exactly encourage those sorts of conversations”. And she might take the point?

You may not mean it literally but I wouldn’t advise shouting as I had a row with my nearly adult daughter tonight and I am still awake from feeling upset. Shouting just makes people defensive and doesn’t allow you to ask the more interesting question which is why was your mother like that?

She may just be mirroring her own experience with her mother. Not saying it is right but once you know the cause you might be less frustrated about it.

I think YABU
You say your mum didn’t talk about sex & periods when you were a teen, but you were so fine with this and would have been mortified, etc. So, you did not want to talk about these things then at all, but seem to be thinking your mum would have been oblivious to your desire to not talk about these things.

Is it really her fault she did not force mortifying conversations on you as a teen? Or was she respecting you and patiently hoping you’d be ready to talk when order? And now she’s feeling that ship has sailed and somehow you now are blaming her for not forcing you to have mortifying, awkward mum & daughter chats about sex and periods?

I think you need to realise you had agency in this and a big reason why your mum did not talk to you about these things was because the teen you did not want her to.

YANBU at all.

You know you can respond to her about this in a very non-confrontational way, right?

She feels able to say she’s disappointed with the status quo. You therefore have carte blanche to respond in kind.

No need to pussy-foot. She isn’t. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Did you miss the part where her mum told her nothing about sex, periods, normal bodily functions.

And you think she's being "pushy"?

It's her mothers DUTY to teach her daughter about her body and to talk openly about natural things like periods and her reproductive organs.

This isn't some stranger. It's her mother for gods sake.

Sex and period conversations need to happen way before teen/embarrassed years.

My DD (and DS for that matter) have known about periods since they were about 3.

We told DD about sex when she was 8 and had overheard a rather fruitful conversation in the playground!

Man, that is some serious reaching.

The OP’s mother didn’t provide her daughter with even basic level parenting on the topic.

That’s not OK. This is on her mother entirely. Not the OP.

And yea - FGS, these convos should be happening way before the teen years!

Your post and feelings are totally valid but I suspect that she doesn't know how to talk about these things.

Ask her how she was taught about them and what attitudes shaped her adolescent and young adult experiences.

I think she might be trying to open up to discussing these things but not know how. And if it was never mentioned growing up but she generally muddled through ok, then she might not realise that her silence is what prevented you from speaking to her.

It's weird you know, I'm only a few years older than you but the early twenties for me and many of my friends were a bit of a time of reckoning for me and my friends and our relationships with our parents. You kind of find yourself dealing with the last of that teenage angst - all the stuff that your parents (and you) didn't get right and I there can be a lot of latent anger and frustration against parents.

It needs to be brought out into the open and dealt with, but there are ways and ways to do it.

So. Speak to your mum. Take the step she's not been able to and try not to be too harsh to her.

Once you get over the years where you face up to the ways your parents didn't get it right, or got it very very wrong, and move towards a sense of acceptance and forgiveness (sorry bit cringe) it can bring you both so much closer.

So, talk to her, recognise the sorrow/regret she feels, help her to build bridges with you.

You're an adult now and your life will be taking you further away in many ways, I think she's trying to connect with you as an adult so that you can both enjoy a closer relationship.

If that's what you want of course.

I know I was asking for answers like this by asking this question, but I think it’s important to remember that when I would have found it mortifying, I was literally a child. I’m an adult now, and realise there is nothing embarrassing about sex, periods etc. My mother was the grown up in this situation and surely must’ve felt the same way?

Oh and you can chat about sex and periods generally without having to discuss your personal sex lives too if youfe worried!

YANBU, OP... your mum was the parent here, so was the one responsible for opening the doors of discussion.

My mum was a bit the same as yours. She did try to talk to me a little bit about things, but usually in between moaning at me (she moaned at me a LOT) so I never wanted to confide in her or talk about anything personal. Or anything at all, really.

It's so different with my own daughters (I have 4!) we're all so close, and contraception, periods, sex, abortion... all very openly talked about. My mum says it makes her sad that she and I were never as close as I am to my DC.
Er, being nice and approachable might have helped, Mum!

My mother was the grown up in this situation and surely must’ve felt the same way?

Yes and no. Maybe. You don't know do you?
People have difference languages for talking about this stuff, and you don't know if she had the tools to do so at the time. Maybe she does now.

Maybe she doesn't, maybe she's trying to find them.

It's a privacy thing. Some people are sharers, some people aren't.

Yes, but those who are not should not give mixed messages.

Where to start with this.

Mortifying conversations?

She should have had those conversations at PRIMARY school age.

Sex, puberty, periods, reproduction are not mortifying. They are the normal things a mother tells her daughter.

But @QueenSmartypants as a parent it's her responsibility to come up with the tools, even if difficult.

Except her mum was the parent and it's her job to have these conversations.

I frequently have conversations with DD, who isn't even a teenager, about sex and periods and contraception and consent. And when she rolls her eyes and says, "yuk mum could you not" I breezily say, "well I'd rather you had the information" or "I don't want you to run out of supplies" or whatever. You model matter-of-fact attitudes to sex, bodies and sexuality. Speaking seriously when it needs to be serious.

You don't act all coy and weird about it, joining in with teenage mortification. And you also start young so you have established communications before the teen years start with their embarrassment and avoidance.

OP, I get it. She can't have it both ways. She wanted to avoid the hard part and get the medal anyway. You can be honest about it if you want.

@HPLikecraft I don't disagree but it's not always easy for people is it? There could be any number of reasons why she didn't, and I did mention that perhaps she just didn't realise she was lacking.

We can recognise that our parents can mess up and fail at things...happens all the time. If she wants to make it right now, that's better than letting it turn into an unforgivable thing they can't get past.

of course, if her mum won't take any responsibility then all bets are off, but op hasn't mentioned anything to prevent giving her mum the benefit of the doubt

It is odd, my mum was the same about sex and periods but very open about other things. Must’ve been how she was brought up but she was very close to her mum.
wouldn’t shout at your mum but understand the wanting to.
it is her fault that she doesn’t have openness in that area of life with you. You might not have realised that she was doing anything different to her friends or your friends’ mums.
can just say to her that because she’s never spoken openly about these things you’ve never felt that it was a topic you could speak to her about. Not speaking sex or periods at all is a very clear message that’s she’s deeply uncomfortable talking about it and that it’s something “not to be spoken of”.
maybe say given this upbringing you’re surprised that she is surprised about you not speaking about it. Let her respond.
presume you can speak to friends etc about periods if you want.
you don’t owe it to anyone to speak about these things tho, is completely up to you. See how you feel with your mum’s response. Might lead to more openness, she needs to share too really, or it might not. Would be useful to know as you get older if your mum had period problems or early menopause etc.
but you don’t need to feel guilty not speaking to your mum about these things, you had been given a very clear message that the topic was off limits.

“Mortifying”- Those were OPs words, not mine.
And no, I don’t agree with the should have talked about sex to a primary age child.

I don’t think you realise how it can be impossible to talk to a teen when they don’t want to talk about something.

So primary age is too young and teenagers are too embarrassed to talk about sex?

So when is the ideal time?

Yes it is her fault, she made her bed when it came to talking about stuff and now she thinks you suddenly should want to talk about it, that ship has sailed. She didn’t invest in those areas back then so why should you bother now. And anyway, contraception really is none of her business. You aren’t going to change your feelings just because it doesn’t suit her anymore. My mother is similar, wants the close mother daughter relationship now but she couldn’t give a shit when I was a child and when I could have done with that sort of relationship with her then. I just don’t feel the need now.