To want to scream ITS YOUR FAULT at my mum??

[Maybetom]

I love my mum, we get on really well and are extremely similar. I’m 22, and the only daughter out of four children. As I said, me and my mum get on really well, however we’ve never been the type to talk about sex, periods, boys etc. I don’t think she ever gave me the talk as a teenager, learnt everything from school. I’m so fine with this, as a teenager I would’ve found it mortifying and now I’m just not in the habit of it so just talk to my friends about this stuff instead.

However at least once a month she’ll say she wishes I would talk to her about these things. She compares us to her sister in law (my step dads sister) and her daughter, who are extremely open about these things and talks about how much she wishes I’d do the same. I just want to scream ITS YOUR FAULT and ITS A TWO WAY THING at her. I don’t think I’ve ever so much as heard her say the word sex, I’ve never heard her talk casually about periods for example saying that she’s on her period or saying that she needs to get tampons (again, have no problem with us not discussing these things just don’t understand how she expects me to do it when the conversation has never been opened by her).

When I was home for Christmas, she saw my pill packet on my bedside table and said she was really sad that I didn’t feel I could tell her that I was on the pill. Its so frustrating because she doesn’t seem to understand that she’s made this topics seem taboo.

AIBU is it her fault or should I be more open

Why not just tell her you could have used more talk like that when you were growing up but you didn't get it and you don't see any reason to start it now. Then ask her to stop saying she wishes you would. Just try telling her about it.

Because it’s obviously bothering the OP and so a discussion to clear the air would be advisable. By saying
”Look, I agree with suggestions to talk to her about it. She’s offered the olive branch a few times by trying to discuss this subject with you.”

I did not mean for OP to start talking about BC pills, sex, periods and so on with her mum but to discuss with her mum how she is perfectly fine not discussing these things, and still doesn’t want to share her private information. Otherwise her mum will keep on with the monthly hints and sighs. I wasn’t suggesting OP change her boundaries at all! That’s why I was referring to the earlier suggestions the OP discuss with her mum her feelings and preferences.

Adolescence is 13-19
www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/adolescence

I know the WHO has lowered it to 10, but let’s keep in mind they have member countries that marry off 10yr olds, so not really the best definition imho.

I got my period at ten.... It is ten. That's not a made up number for political convenience... Oh lord.

I can relate I had a similar relationship with my mum. Her 'sex talk' was to hand me a book from the 70's about a boy bbc and a girl who go through puberty, get married and have sex! I never spoke to my mum about anything personal and she never did to me and I think that's fine. I have a very different relationship with my daughters, I know when they lost their virginity, they will discuss contraception and periods. I obviously don't discuss my sex life but we will talk about sex generally.

I would not own this, try not to take on the feeling of blame etc. not only is a relationship a two way thing but for a large part of your relationship the onus was on your mother to create your relationship. She can't just decide now your an adult she wants things to be different.

When she makes that type of comment I would say "but you don't talk about thinks like that with me and never have." And "I don't think its healthy to compare our relationship with other people's. Especially when you seem to find it lacking."

How odd that this is what you got from what I wrote.
There is no taboo subject with my children.
There is no shaming nonsense regarding puberty, periods or sex.

There is an open door to discuss anything they want to (age appropriately)
There is respect for their privacy
There is modelling how intimate conversations require free consent

Its all treated matter of factly. There is simply no enforced over-sharing of more information than the child is comfortable with. They get the basic biology in school, they’re not going to think kissing can get then pregnant or any such nonsense. There’s no real necessity to cover basics one on one at home too unless they have questions..hence the open door.

Getting a period =/= adolescence. Hth

I do think YABU. You are saying she approaches these topics with you “at least once a month”? Well, what do you say when she approaches these topics with you, do you brush her off or continue the discussion that she has started with you “at least once a month”?

The point of your post seems to be resentment that she missed talking about them with you as a teenager and assigning blame to her that it wasn’t something you both discussed BUT you certainly give the impression now that you do want to be able to discuss those things.

As as you explained how “mortifying” you would have found these discussions as a TEEN, how do you think you would have reacted if she forced these discussions on you, would you be posting now and being angry that your mum didn’t respect your boundaries as a teen and insisted on lecturing you about all this mortifying teen personal stuff?

So you’re 22 and very grown up, and don’t seem to find talking about these things mortifying any more. Then either move on with life and discuss them with her for the next 50 years, or hold on to resentment that it was her fault you haven’t discussed them to date and shut her down when she brings them up at least once a month.

Yas! I completely agree. Of course you will be accused of being a sock puppet for me, because this view has been met with undeserved ire.

@Onnabugeisha haha, I didn’t read the other posts. I have a 22 year old (who is very happy to discuss sex, periods, whatever), so was more an eye roll response to OP desperate to prove what a Big Girl she is now … by proving from her original post that she is very much not a Big Grown Up yet.

Yanbu.

My dm was the same growing up. Had one or two Conversations spoken in hushed, emotional tones with serious looks, when i was about 8-10. Even then it was mortifying in the way she handled it and it clearly wasn't a regular thing to talk about in the household. I remember always running out of pads, having to work out tampons (their size etc) myself and hiding or dealing with leaks and stains myself. It was really stressful. I wish it was dealt with in a more easy breezy way so I felt at ease discussing those issues.

From what op's described her mum criticises her for not having these discussions about once a month. She doesn't initiate a discussion.

You say you would have found it mortifying to talk to her about this stuff as a teenager. Maybe she read the room, knew you'd be mortified, didn't do it.

It doesn't sound like she's telling you off or criticising you. Just letting you know that she wishes you could talk to her about that stuff. To me, she's letting you know that you can, that she's fine with it, that you don't have to keep it to yourself for her benefit.

My DDs are 18 and 21. We’ve talked whenever they want to. I don’t have any need to interrogate or pontificate so it’s usually they have a question and I give them useful factual advice.

You're right adolescence starts BEFORE you get your period because your brain rapidly starts growing and your ovaries begin producing a mass amount of hormones. I'm a female fertility expert. I dare you to argue with me about this one! 😆😂

On average this process starts around nine for females. You can't get a period without ovulating which by definition marks adolescence for females.

So why don't you say. Exactly that. Mum let's talk about this. I find this really odd, you keeping referring to xxx, but when I was young you never ....

Why are you incapable of having such a conversation?

Sounds like she’s trying to develop your relationship into one where you can talk about this stuff. Up to you whether you go with it- would you actually like to discuss it with her? At the moment it sounds as if you’re trying to punish her for (perceived) inadequacies when you were a teenager.

FWIW I don’t talk to my Mum about this sort of thing either and never have, because she is a crank. I do talk to my daughter though.

"We're not aunt and cousin. We're us, and I like how our relationship is."

Your mother's regrets or unmet expectations are for her to deal with. Personally, I would never discuss my sex life with my mother. Blech.

My kids? We've been talking about sex ed since they were young enough to learn the proper names for their body parts. As they got older, both my sons and daughters were taught about menstruation, birth control, STIs, consent, etc. It's been an ongoing conversation that evolved over time, with them asking questions as needed, discussing news articles, etc.

She’s being weird about it full stop. It’s none of anyone’s business whether you use the pill or not so her making a point about you not telling her this is just weird, why would anyone?! It is ultimately her issue, if she wanted to be open about sex then this should have been the case in your teens.

I think your mum is being unreasonable in trying to force you into a level of intimacy you don't want. We are all entitled to set out own boundaries.
But then, mother/daughter relationships are generally tricky, imo.
Just tell her you don't want to discuss it, stand your ground, and move on.

Tbh there’s a lot of this in dhs family, people who didn’t give much out as parents but expecting it back & moaning about it.

You get what you give with your kids.

Yanbu op

Wow, wasn’t expecting to come back this morning to this many responses. I feel like one or two posters are really misunderstanding what I’m saying. Like I said, I don’t care that we didn’t talk about these things when I was a teenager. (Yes I said I’d find it mortifying, but I literally just meant cringey at the time, in hindsight I know it’s not embarrassing at all) My problem is that she keeps bringing it up now, and acting as if it is some sort of fault that I have.

Also, I don’t think I’m a “big grown up” like someone said. I’m still at uni and very much rely on my mum for most other things. I am definitely still the student texting her asking how to wash certain dresses and sending her photos of chicken to ask if it’s cooked properly hahah.

I am not sure why you both seem keen to talk about sex or does your mum want too now ? It all seems a bit odd. I have an 11 year old daughter and discuss periods a lot, and when I’m on my period I might say things like oh I’m feeling exhausted today it’s a heavy period or whatever. When she’s an adult though no I don’t want to know about her sex life? I presume at 22 she will have her shit together once I’ve educated her to a normal level about sex and education. I think it’s normal for adult women to discuss sex and contraception in a way that is educational. Everything else? Chat to your friends I don’t want to know. Works both ways as well really I’m certain she will not want to hear about me and her dads sex life.

@Maybetom

To be fair at 23 I had already had 2 kids but I would still text my mum things like is this chicken cooked?

it does seem a bit odd how she wants to know now about your sex life. I presume at 22 you’ve already taken the steps to protect yourself and there wouldn’t have been any need to discuss this with your mum.

OP, I can understand your frustration. You took your lead from your mum who didn’t want to/didn’t know how to have these conversations when you were younger. Now it feels like she expects this to change… so what once you reached the age of consent you suddenly start chatting about these things?
it’s a confusing, mixed message that feels like she’s blaming you for the lack of these conversations.

Before it spills over into a row, talk to her. Tell her that you took the lead from her and you guys don’t need to talk about what brand of tampons you use or how regularly you have sex to have a close relationship.
Maybe throw her a bone if a situations occurs naturally, say you’re at home and having cramps or something- just mention in passing you’re grabbing a hot water bottle for the cramps. Something not forced, not overly intimate.

your mum might regret her inability to speak to you when you were younger about these things. I have such an open relationship with my kids (boys & girls) and my MIL was shocked by their knowledge and openness (my son asked if I needed tampons when I said I had an upset tummy.) MIL nearly passed out but told me she wishes she could have been so open with her own kids.

moral of the story is just speak to your mum. We’re all learning all the time and having kids doesn’t come with instructions. We are products of our own upbringing. Your mum doesn’t sound neglectful, or meaning any ill toward you. So talk to her.