To want to scream ITS YOUR FAULT at my mum??

[Maybetom]

I love my mum, we get on really well and are extremely similar. I’m 22, and the only daughter out of four children. As I said, me and my mum get on really well, however we’ve never been the type to talk about sex, periods, boys etc. I don’t think she ever gave me the talk as a teenager, learnt everything from school. I’m so fine with this, as a teenager I would’ve found it mortifying and now I’m just not in the habit of it so just talk to my friends about this stuff instead.

However at least once a month she’ll say she wishes I would talk to her about these things. She compares us to her sister in law (my step dads sister) and her daughter, who are extremely open about these things and talks about how much she wishes I’d do the same. I just want to scream ITS YOUR FAULT and ITS A TWO WAY THING at her. I don’t think I’ve ever so much as heard her say the word sex, I’ve never heard her talk casually about periods for example saying that she’s on her period or saying that she needs to get tampons (again, have no problem with us not discussing these things just don’t understand how she expects me to do it when the conversation has never been opened by her).

When I was home for Christmas, she saw my pill packet on my bedside table and said she was really sad that I didn’t feel I could tell her that I was on the pill. Its so frustrating because she doesn’t seem to understand that she’s made this topics seem taboo.

AIBU is it her fault or should I be more open

No. I said because the OP said this:
“I don’t think she ever gave me the talk as a teenager, learnt everything from school. I’m so fine with this, as a teenager I would’ve found it mortifying and now I’m just not in the habit of it so just talk to my friends about this stuff instead.”

Then it is likely her mother picked up on her discomfort and wishes to not talk about this and then respected the OPs privacy.

I think these discussions should be consented to by the child/teen. It isn’t necessary to have them, given the education they do get in school and all the other sources of information available to them. There is no need for mothers to force intrusive, intimate conversations on their daughters in this day and age.

@Onnabugeisha

I sincerely hope that wasn't a serious post.

And to be frank, it's your duty as a mother to tell your daughter WHY she has a period. And you're doing no one any favours with that I'll-informed explanation.

@Onnabugeisha You don’t think mothers should have those conversations but it’s ok for it to be done by school?

No, it’s not my “duty” to tell her the exact same information at the exact same ages you do with your daughter. 🙄

Not the same.

Right, so you DID say a parent can opt out of having conversations with their children, if it’s embarrassing for either party.

Thank you 🙂

@Onnabugeisha you still haven’t explained why periods happen and what it is for

No, I did not at all. Let me fix your sentence for you:

a parent can opt out of having conversations with their children, if it’s embarrassing for either party the child does not freely consent to discuss such private matters.

Is there a full moon tonight?

Don't know @Calminacrisis but definitely some batshit about

You are struggling, aren’t you?

The OP wasn’t asked to consent or not. It wasn’t even broached.

Her mother opted out altogether, and you’re the one justifying this.

That, or we've been transported to the 1950's.

Oh dear, you haven’t even read the quote history on the conversation have you? You have a really antiquated formal view on consent as well.

It's a bit late now and god knows why she wants to talk to you about it now when you're 22. That's just bizarre.

Pot & kettle 😆

Sarcasm dearie.

Misunderstanding English again, dearie

"I think these discussions should be consented to by the child/teen. It isn’t necessary to have them, given the education they do get in school and all the other sources of information available to them. There is no need for mothers to force intrusive, intimate conversations on their daughters in this day and age."

I can't believe this is a serious comment. No need for mothers in this day and age.. wow.

My mother and I are very open about these things, but you are right my mom put in a lot (and I mean a LOT) of work making it an open discussion. I mean don't get it twisted. Some people don't get it and think just because I talk openly about birth control or my period that that means I go into detail about my favourite sex positions with her. It's definitely not like that, but she was a pregnant teen because her parents made everything extremely taboo and she felt very lonely judged and terribly ill informed about sex and her body and health in general. So because of that she wanted us to have a very different experience. Like you know not thinking we were dying when we got our periods like she did.

But if she hadn't put in all that work I would probably be like you in that department. There were moments that were awkward and embarrassing and times I wanted to tell her to just shut her face. Lol. But mostly it was nice knowing it was safe to talk to her. And once we worked through the embarrassing bits it was not so bad.

My mum didn't but I do with DD, if and when you have DC just do things differently.

@Onnabugeisha
I genuinely don’t understand why op should accept the olive branch and discuss any of this with her mum when accepting the olive branch would mean ignoring her boundaries. Op is a person in her own right.

Adolescence begins at age 10, ergo year 5, primary age.

Now that all of my children are adults I can tell you that most of us are aware of any mistakes we made, but it doesn't stop us regretting them or being a bit sad that we didn't do things differently.

It sounds as if talking about this stuff didn't come naturally to your mum, or maybe it didn't even occur to her to do so. Now she sees another parent/adult child doing so she wishes she had and she's belatedly telling you that it's ok to talk to her about this stuff.

Fine if you don't want to of course but, since she seems like a good mum in lots of other ways, and you are otherwise quite close, perhaps it is something you could just let go. If not, something like 'yeah we've never really talked about that stuff have we, not even when I was growing up, good to know that I can if I wanted to though thanks' is surely all she needs to stop asking about it.

YANBU I find it both sad and comforting whenever I read about others who had similar mothers to mine.

I grew up in a household where almost everything was taboo and not to be discussed; everything from puberty, sex, to death of a loved one even questions about my biological father. I have wasted so many years wishing I had the type of relationship that I see my friend's have with their DM's but i've accepted that it just isn't going to happen for me. She built a home where questions weren't welcome and advice, emotional support and affection was never offered so now as an adult she has little room to complain if we are not as close as she'd like, although I do struggle with guilt about not being good enough whenever I try to distance myself.

You are more than entitled to set whatever boundaries you feel comfortable with and no one is entitled to know private details about your life, not even your DM.

I know only too well how difficult it can be to change the dynamics of a relationship that have been set in stone your entire life, and it isn't your responsibility to try OP.

@TheTeenageYears @BringerOfDoom

That's great to hear.

Hard to believe we're debating with some posters in 2023 whether they should discuss sex and biology with their young daughters, but here we are.

Thankfully I think young girls and women are (for the most part) over all that taboo shaming nonsense.

Periods (once hugely embarrassing) are openly discussed, quite rightly. Dads doing a weekly shop will pick up pads for their daughters. It's just biology and my daughters generation aren't going to be embarrassed by it any longer.