To want to scream ITS YOUR FAULT at my mum??

[Maybetom]

I love my mum, we get on really well and are extremely similar. I’m 22, and the only daughter out of four children. As I said, me and my mum get on really well, however we’ve never been the type to talk about sex, periods, boys etc. I don’t think she ever gave me the talk as a teenager, learnt everything from school. I’m so fine with this, as a teenager I would’ve found it mortifying and now I’m just not in the habit of it so just talk to my friends about this stuff instead.

However at least once a month she’ll say she wishes I would talk to her about these things. She compares us to her sister in law (my step dads sister) and her daughter, who are extremely open about these things and talks about how much she wishes I’d do the same. I just want to scream ITS YOUR FAULT and ITS A TWO WAY THING at her. I don’t think I’ve ever so much as heard her say the word sex, I’ve never heard her talk casually about periods for example saying that she’s on her period or saying that she needs to get tampons (again, have no problem with us not discussing these things just don’t understand how she expects me to do it when the conversation has never been opened by her).

When I was home for Christmas, she saw my pill packet on my bedside table and said she was really sad that I didn’t feel I could tell her that I was on the pill. Its so frustrating because she doesn’t seem to understand that she’s made this topics seem taboo.

AIBU is it her fault or should I be more open

Your DD is not the OP. Surely you have to see that just because you have an easier child, not every child is like that.

If you asked me who my initial sex talk came from, it was my older sister. And the first week of highschool we had an "expert" come in to do the periods/contraception talk, then a science lesson in year 7 biology, and we had a personal social health education lesson every week.
The first person i told when i got my period was again, my sister, as it was just the 2 of us home at the time. I don't remember telling my mum but know i must have, and i don't remember if we had "the sex talk" but i do remember her telling me that whether the labia was tucked and neat or longer and hanging down, it was totally normal and nothing to worry about.
Sadly lost my mum at 20 before i had ever had a boyfriend, so there were no practical as you go along kind of talks. She knew i was on the pill, but for PCOS and heavy cramps and bleeding rather than contraception.

Yes @QueenSmartypants you're right: parents can mess up and fail, or just put off difficult things until it's too late. We're only human. It is our responsibility to try, though.

And if you do want a certain sort of relationship with your child, you'd better start cultivating that before they're 22!
By then, that horse has already bolted.

Ps what did you do for period things OP? I know I struggled and was really embarrassed having to find money and then buy my own when was only little. I’ve never really understood why my mum didn’t talk about it.
presume she thought it was all taught at school.

no, I don’t agree with the should have talked about sex to a primary age child.

Apologies but that's nonsense. It's essential for children to start learning about sex and puberty at primary age and its much, much healthier for them to learn openly from their parents then for it to be treated with kid gloves!

So you think you are your mother? Of course she didn’t feel the same as you do now. Her life is completely different from yours.

Look, I agree with suggestions to talk to her about it. She’s offered the olive branch a few times by trying to discuss this subject with you. I do wonder if you are repeating how you behaved then by shutting down any overture she makes.

When did puberty come into the discussion? You said sex, I said sex…and now you’ve inserted puberty….where on earth did that come from?

And no, I don’t agree with the should have talked about sex to a primary age child.

Periods can start at primary. Yes, you talk to children in a basic way about sex, periods, bodies and consent at primary. Are you Amish, a time traveller or something?

And DD wasn't 'easier' and the OP certainly wasn't 'difficult'. Children are always a little squeamish about some things. You power through because you're the parent.

When did puberty come into the discussion? You said sex, I said sex…and now you’ve inserted puberty….where on earth did that come from?

It quite difficult to adequately explain periods with also looping in sexual reproduction. Otherwise it's sort of illogical. I mean what do you say periods ARE?

Sex doesn’t start in primary. Why is everyone adding in extras? I said I don’t agree with the should talk about sex to a primary age child. And everyone’s like disagreeing and acting like I didn’t say sex but other random things….very strange.

And DD wasn't 'easier' and the OP certainly wasn't 'difficult'.
You’re quite right, you are the doppelgänger for OP’s mum, your DD is the doppelgänger for OP and the relationship dynamics are 100% identical. Silly me thinking we are all unique and every mum-daughter relationship dynamic is unique.

You power through because you're the parent.
By this you mean trample all over your child’s privacy and ignore their wishes in regards to what they consent to discuss with you?

@Onnabugeisha

"And no, I don’t agree with the should have talked about sex to a primary age child. "

Why on earth not?

Primary is 9, 10, 11.

Many girls have their periods at that age.

It's a bodily function. Nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about.

I'm late 50s and my mother sat us down at primary age in the 70s, armed with an encyclopaedia.

Surely we've passed the age where this is taboo or spoken about in hushed tones.

I honestly don’t think it is difficult at all to discuss what a period is without discussing having sex/sexual intercourse.

There are age appropriate ways to educate. You don’t have to go all GCSE level biology with a 7yr old.

Riiiight. And how are periods the same as sex? Not following.

I don't know why I'm bothering. I never agree with you @Onnabugeisha and I doubt I will start on this thread. Load of old cobblers, honestly.

@Maybetom ignore those putting it back on you or your mum’s upbringing. It’s not actually about the conversations about contraception and men, etc. it’s that you don’t feel known by your mum. I may be projecting here but I am also from a large family (though larger than yours) but interestingly the same ratio boys to girls. I would spend a lot of time with her, but I don’t feel like she knows me at all and I wouldn’t even think to have conversations about contraception etc with her. I think she thinks that by spending time together (doing what she wants but that’s another story) means we are close. There’s a lot of things you don’t say because on an instinctual basis you know it’s not going to result in a real conversation. I have really tried for years with my mum as an adult to build the bond to be more like those friends of mine who have really close and loving relationships with their mums, personally I would absolutely love to have had that. Unfortunately we aren’t all that lucky. If you get on well sometimes you have to just recognise that’s as far as she can go for whatever reason. It’s pretty typical mum behaviour to say oh I wish we were like that and do nothing to make it so, in my experience and I know it’s incredibly frustrating. You obviously care a great deal about one another because otherwise she wouldn’t have said what she did and you wouldn’t feel annoyed by it xx

Awww you mean we aren’t doppelgängers?

Did 'doppelgängers' come up on your word of the day toilet paper?

Are you trying to use it in a common phrase?

@Onnabugeisha

How on earth do you talk to your daughter about periods without discussing sex?

It's not a dirty subject regardless of what you think.

Any nature program shows mating and reproduction.

I was brought up in the 70s and my mother taught us these basic facts.

Can't believe this is still an issue 50 years later.

Only someone who had to Google it would say that as a response.

Puberty and sex are tightly entwined.

How do you propose you discuss with children and young adolescents their changing bodies, the new urges and thoughts, the situations they mighhowt encounter if you separate puberty from sex? I don't even know how you'd begin to separate out the two.

No...you didn't specifically mention "puberty". But I did, for the reasons above and because the op did in her post

That's interesting. I have the same experience with a parent so I'm interested that you say to ignore all those who've suggested responding to what seems to be an olive branch.

You could be right, of course, about the ops mum and I acknowledged in one of my posts that if her mum isn't willing to hold her hands up and accept responsibility then its a different ball game. Nothing to suggest that she's like that in particular though so it's worth trying I would think?

The op is the only one who knows what interpretation of her mother posters have formed, based on subjective experiences, is the closest.

It’s quite simple as no sex is necessary to having a period.

Im not sure whether you think I think sex or periods are a “dirty subject”? What does that even mean anyway?

Its only an issue because you’re making it one. There’s more than one way of teaching/learning.

@Onnabugeisha

"Riiiight. And how are periods the same as sex? Not following."

I'm actually flabbergasted by this.

Given that a period is a shedding of the lining of the womb when no fertilisation had occurred by the male sperm, how on earth can you separate periods from sex.

The casual "not following". I mean seriously.

No, I didn't miss that part. No idea why you're being so aggressive towards me. I agree with you it's her mother's job to inform her of sex and periods as a child/teen, but OP wasn't asking about that and stated she was fine with how she learnt about it, so I kept my opinions on it to myself. She was asking about her mother's current behaviour, which IMO is pushy, out of order and an invasion of OP's privacy. You don't have to agree with my opinion but you can sod off with your aggression 😠

It’s quite simple as no sex is necessary to having a period.

And all the other aspects of puberty?

How about discussing sex with a primary aged boy who won't get periods?

And how do you explain what a period is without mentioning sex?