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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend regularly leaves 4yo at home for 15 mins

152 replies

SlinkySienna · 15/01/2023 20:57

We are both single parents. She's not a close friend but we see each other regularly at a group both our sons go to. Our sons are 2 weeks apart, both were 4 in November. I was saying today how hard it is in the evenings when you're a lone parent, mainly because if you fancy a bar of chocolate and your child is asleep you can't just nip out (not a big issue, just never have chocolate when I need it!). She said 'just leave him at home, that's what I do. I can see the shop from my bedroom window and I'm always back within 15 mins'. My son has fallen out of bed in the past, or had a nightmare, and I wouldn't put it past him to wake up, call for me, and to go wandering round the house if I didn't respond. Is this actually something people do and just keep quiet, or am I in the majority here thinking that this is so ridiculously negligent?

OP posts:
MotherofBingo · 15/01/2023 22:39

I live in a block of flats, once my children are in bed I don't even take the bins down (and when they're awake they come down with me). How can anyone think this is a good idea! Children have had horrific accidents when the parents are in the room let alone 15 minutes away at the shops!

smileladiesplease · 15/01/2023 22:40

I wouldn't report her but no I would never do this it's reckless.

GotAnyGrapez · 15/01/2023 22:40

It's neglect.

You need to report this, the poor boy could end up seriously harmed or worse if this is allowed to continue.

RedHelenB · 15/01/2023 22:42

EmmaGrundyForPM · 15/01/2023 21:06

It's an absolute no no.

Unless it's to go out with your husband and friends to a tapas restaurant. Then, according to MN, it's fine.

Whilst leaving the door unlocked and the 4 year old in charge of their baby siblings

helloelsie · 15/01/2023 22:42

LOL!!!! Atl most of the posters on here...

OP I was raised in a town where they rehabilitated pawdophile. My mum was the school
Chaperone and hence I always felt their care and concern. I am concerned having two kids myself. This is too far - if nothing. Else to go on with friend she sounds fine? What else to go on? Xx

smileladiesplease · 15/01/2023 22:44

I am not sure her being shot in the shop immediately springs as the most likely danger but guess depends where you live

CurlyhairedAssassin · 15/01/2023 22:47

sjxoxo · 15/01/2023 22:30

It’s a no from me aswell. I thought of Madeleine McCann when I saw this thread.
As pp’s have said - all is fine until it’s not. I sometimes leave my DS to sleep in the car for 10 mins when we get home if he’s fast asleep and knackered.. we’ve had builders at the house so it’s the only peace he gets. I’m out checking him every 3 mins or leaving my phone on a video call and even then I’m very very nervous about it x

Some people could go across the road and back to the shop in 3 mins though. I don’t think that’s any different from leaving them alone in the car and going into the house actually. I never left mine in the car even if asleep as I wouldn’t have left them out of sight in a car. Even the thought of them waking up with no-one with them would have upset me.

I DID leave mine in the house a couple of times while I went over the road to the corner shop actually, when DH was working away and the milk was off and DS2 was still drinking it at bedtime. But I live on a VERY quiet residential street on a cul de sac. (Unusual location for a shop really). It used to take leas than 15 seconds for me to walk to the shop (no cars about to knock me over), another 10 to buy the milk, another 15 seconds to come back over. I was paranoid about checking I had my key with me, and I figured that I was away from them where they were sitting on the sofa watching Nickelodeon or whatever for less time than if I’d gone upstairs for a poo!

so I used my judgement and was happy to do that ON OCCASION, in certain circumstances. Ie milk was off and needed and there was no-one else to get it and they’d been bathed and were in pyjamas etc I wouldn’t have done it if it had been longer than a 2 min time gap out of the house, or if it had been a busy road, or I couldn’t see the house etc.

the story of the 2 sets of twins, it says somewhere that she was gone shopping for a loooong time. Very different. 15 mins is too long though. And I never would go just to get a bar of chocolate!

RedHelenB · 15/01/2023 22:49

Summerfun54321 · 15/01/2023 22:26

This is why 4 year olds shouldn’t be left alone ever.

www.express.co.uk/news/uk/1538048/woman-arrested-boys-die-house-fire-blaze-south-london/amp

It can take literally 3 minutes for small children to die of smoke inhalation from a house fire.

Tbf, if its only 3 mins being in the house wouldn’t necessarily prevent it, not excusing her leaving them btw.

Whatistheanswer2023 · 15/01/2023 22:52

Jeez when I think about my 4 year old nephew no chance!

OnTheBoardwalk · 15/01/2023 22:53

I don’t understand how if she can see the shop from her window it would take 15 mins to get there and back

Getting shot, shops are dangerous ask Omar 😁

15 mins is a long time to be looking for a parent

NannyGythaOgg · 15/01/2023 22:56

And you wonder why you are all called 'snowflakes'

You brag about your freedom as kids and then think you can control fate by 'always being there' etc

Shit happens occasionally; whether you are there or not. Road accidents happen daily but most people still travel in cars.

FFS stop thinking you can control everything by counting every breath your child takes.

Shit happens sometimes - sometimes on your watch sometimes not BUT ffs real tragedies happen far more to kids who have been wrapped in cotton wool that those who have an element of trust in their instinctive survival strategies.

Give the poor kids a chance at life.

peeweechigs · 15/01/2023 22:56

You ring the NSPCC.

eastegg · 15/01/2023 22:57

Snugglemonkey · 15/01/2023 21:59

I can see 4 year olds playing out,they do here. We live in a cul de sac opposite a wee playground, in a small village in rural Scotland. That playground is often populated by very small children on their own. My son was allowed to go by himself at about 4. He was desperate to be like the others. I felt it was ok as I can watch him walk around the curve of the cul de sac through the living room window. Then once he is in there, I can transfer over to the kitchen and do my veg prep etc at the sink watching him the whole time. I always have watched him, despite there usually being adults I know in with children who live too far to walk alone. He is 6 now and I have relaxed a bit about it, but I still keep a very close eye.

You must have cut yourself with the veg knife a lot. If you were watching him all the time. No, sorry, I wouldn’t have done this. But glad your DS was ok.

Climbles · 15/01/2023 22:59

I wouldn’t even leave my 12 year old for 15 mins in the night. If she woke up with a nose bleed or something and realised I wasn’t there she’d freak out. I’d leave her during the day when she is aware where I am and when I’d be back but I wouldn’t just leave her without telling her.

NannyGythaOgg · 15/01/2023 22:59

peeweechigs · 15/01/2023 22:56

You ring the NSPCC.

they'd fucking laugh at you.

There are kids out there whose parents don't even think about keeping their children warm and fed. Far more important than leaving a sleeping child for a few minutes.

Bpdqueen · 15/01/2023 22:59

I know someone who did this it made me so mad and they didn't see it as a big deal as her child was sleeping but I use to say what if u have an accident while ur out and end up being taken to hospital. She still didn't seem to care

BeatrixPottery · 15/01/2023 23:00

It definitely doesn’t (very small boutique, babe in arms tolerant rather than child friendly) and they were watching a monitor periodically

NannyGythaOgg · 15/01/2023 23:01

Climbles · 15/01/2023 22:59

I wouldn’t even leave my 12 year old for 15 mins in the night. If she woke up with a nose bleed or something and realised I wasn’t there she’d freak out. I’d leave her during the day when she is aware where I am and when I’d be back but I wouldn’t just leave her without telling her.

aww poor kid - her parent clearly thinks she is useless

Tamarindtree · 15/01/2023 23:02

Wouldn't you know you’ve run out of chocolate before you put your kid to bed, so you could easily nip over with the child before bedtime and get your ‘essential’ chocolate?

Or is chocolate a euphemism for alcohol?

HedgehogB · 15/01/2023 23:02

Ok, it was 1906, but my grandmother aged 3 was left to look after her two year old brother while her mother did the laundry downstairs in their Tenement block. He fell in the fire and died. My grandma had scars on her hands all her life from trying to put out the flames (imagine a toddler trying to do that) , never mind the trauma that she carried until her death, and her mother turned to drink from guilt.

Lifeomars · 15/01/2023 23:03

I was a single parent and one of the main reasons I moved from our first floor flat was that I did not feel it was safe to even leave my 4 year old alone to pop down two flights of stairs for two minutes to answer the front door or put the rubbish out. if they were awake I of course took them with me and I didn't do it even when they were asleep, it was tough and I remember those evenings of feeling "well this is it, shut in now until tomorrow comes" but it is just not worth the risk

Climbles · 15/01/2023 23:04

NannyGythaOgg · 15/01/2023 23:01

aww poor kid - her parent clearly thinks she is useless

Show quote history

Why does that mean I think she is useless? She’s very capable but I tell her if I’m going to leave her in the house on her own.

PMAmostofthetime · 15/01/2023 23:04

SlinkySienna · 15/01/2023 20:57

We are both single parents. She's not a close friend but we see each other regularly at a group both our sons go to. Our sons are 2 weeks apart, both were 4 in November. I was saying today how hard it is in the evenings when you're a lone parent, mainly because if you fancy a bar of chocolate and your child is asleep you can't just nip out (not a big issue, just never have chocolate when I need it!). She said 'just leave him at home, that's what I do. I can see the shop from my bedroom window and I'm always back within 15 mins'. My son has fallen out of bed in the past, or had a nightmare, and I wouldn't put it past him to wake up, call for me, and to go wandering round the house if I didn't respond. Is this actually something people do and just keep quiet, or am I in the majority here thinking that this is so ridiculously negligent?

No op this Isn't something people do and isn't something you should do. Your right to not do it and think about the what if's if you leave your house anything could happen to you or him and you would never forgive yourself l.

Tiani4 · 15/01/2023 23:04

If she was disscivered to be leaving her 4 year old child at home even for 15 minutes, it's a criminal offence and something that would get a referral to children services

Your friend has lost perspective as why wouldn't she take DC with her? You never leave a young child at home in their own
There's a difference between going out into your own garden and listening out- and leaving the actual premises !!

No yanbu and you haven't lost perspective. Tell her it's outrageous she does that and she is risking far too much by making a hugely bad decision