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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS reprimanded at work

125 replies

momtoboys · 15/01/2023 15:27

DS #1 works in a large city at a mid size PR firm. Last week he was reviewing a project with an intern. Someone else needed his for something and he responded “Ok, I’ll be right there when I finish with her.” Later that day he got a call from the highest level manager and was written up because he had misgendered the intern. They were transgender and my son did not know that. The person who was transgender was not the one who complained to management, they understood it was an innocent mistake. It was a coworker that complained. Does this response seem severe for a first time offense? Son is gutted. Both by the reprimand (1st one) and the fact he made the mistake.

OP posts:
MrsMorton · 15/01/2023 15:30

I'd be tempted to challenge this if I were your son. Just write and ask what the issue was. Also a copy of HR policies etc. he might not want to raise his head above the parapet but I'm one to lay out the stall... don't try to bullshit me, I am not an easy audience. Good luck.

IDontCareMatthew · 15/01/2023 15:32

How stupid!!

What should he have said?

Clymene · 15/01/2023 15:33

How was he supposed to have known what pronouns the person used?

I would seek advice. Is he in a union?

topcat2014 · 15/01/2023 15:34

What if DS didn't know?

Lkydfju · 15/01/2023 15:34

I would challenge it; a simple conversation with him would have been more than enough

topcat2014 · 15/01/2023 15:34

The gender to use

woodhill · 15/01/2023 15:35

Sounds very petty to me

harrassedmumto3 · 15/01/2023 15:35

What fucking nonsense. So sorry for your son Sad

TidyDancer · 15/01/2023 15:36

Sounds like management are running scared but that's no excuse for your DS to be effectively victimised instead. I would appeal (and probably start looking for another job with decent management).

Original poster
momtoboys · 15/01/2023 15:42

There isn’t a union but this certainly seems like an instance where one would be useful. DS doesn’t want to pursue this anymore because he has seen what treatment others have had when they question other situations.

OP posts:
Original poster
momtoboys · 15/01/2023 15:43

topcat2014 · 15/01/2023 15:34

The gender to use

He didn’t know that the person was transgender. He referred to them as the gender he thought they were. I guess we have to start assuming everyone uses the pronoun “they”.

OP posts:
StubbleAndSqueak · 15/01/2023 15:45

I think they've had a knee jerk reaction incase it caused offence
Bloody stupid in my opinion, your poor son
The question I'd be asking would be why wasn't I told, the person who should have notified him should be spoken to , I'd challenge it personally
Your poor boy

Greensleevevssnotnose · 15/01/2023 15:45

Anyone can join a union. If there isn't one for his industry he can join GMB.

IDontCareMatthew · 15/01/2023 15:46

So he says 'when I've finished with them'
Instead of 'her'?

Original poster
momtoboys · 15/01/2023 15:47

IDontCareMatthew · 15/01/2023 15:46

So he says 'when I've finished with them'
Instead of 'her'?

In this case I guess that would be correct, yes.

OP posts:
hopeishere · 15/01/2023 15:47

Referring to someone as "her" is rude regardless. Why didn't he use their name?

IDontCareMatthew · 15/01/2023 15:49

But the word 'them' suggests more than one

watchfulwishes · 15/01/2023 15:51

hopeishere · 15/01/2023 15:47

Referring to someone as "her" is rude regardless. Why didn't he use their name?

Yes I thought this - I would have said 'when I have finished here' or something about the task not the person. Not related to recent gender debate - I would have always done this. Was heavily trained when young not to say 'she' etc.

TeenDivided · 15/01/2023 15:52

hopeishere · 15/01/2023 15:47

Referring to someone as "her" is rude regardless. Why didn't he use their name?

Oh rubbish.

'I'm just doing this with Sam at the moment, I'll be with you as soon as I have finished with her'.

Zombiemum1946 · 15/01/2023 15:57

The complaint and reaction were excessive. Get him to join a union, it doesn't have to be a workplace union. If this is the kind of management response to an honest mistake I'd be cautious .

ForFuckSteak · 15/01/2023 15:57

harrassedmumto3 · 15/01/2023 15:35

What fucking nonsense. So sorry for your son Sad

Agreed! Pathetic fucking world we are in these days

Summersolargirl · 15/01/2023 15:57

TeenDivided · 15/01/2023 15:52

Oh rubbish.

'I'm just doing this with Sam at the moment, I'll be with you as soon as I have finished with her'.

Show quote history

Sure, but he didn’t say that and the poster is right, on what he said ir was rude. He simply said I’ll be done when I’m finished with her. If he said what you wrote it would be fine.

Original poster
momtoboys · 15/01/2023 16:00

hopeishere · 15/01/2023 15:47

Referring to someone as "her" is rude regardless. Why didn't he use their name?

I don’t disagree but that was how he responded in the moment. He meant no disrespect.

OP posts:
NumberTheory · 15/01/2023 16:00

hopeishere · 15/01/2023 15:47

Referring to someone as "her" is rude regardless. Why didn't he use their name?

How can you be so rude as to refer to OP’s son as “he”?

Scotty12 · 15/01/2023 16:04

Wow how terribly unfair on your son. Hopefully it will blow over and he can learn from it.