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Original poster

DS reprimanded at work

125 replies

momtoboys · 15/01/2023 15:27

DS #1 works in a large city at a mid size PR firm. Last week he was reviewing a project with an intern. Someone else needed his for something and he responded “Ok, I’ll be right there when I finish with her.” Later that day he got a call from the highest level manager and was written up because he had misgendered the intern. They were transgender and my son did not know that. The person who was transgender was not the one who complained to management, they understood it was an innocent mistake. It was a coworker that complained. Does this response seem severe for a first time offense? Son is gutted. Both by the reprimand (1st one) and the fact he made the mistake.

OP posts:
hopeishere · 15/01/2023 16:05

Because I don't know their sons name?? I guess I could have said "your son" instead.

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 15/01/2023 16:06

momtoboys · 15/01/2023 16:00

I don’t disagree but that was how he responded in the moment. He meant no disrespect.

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His only response should be "I had no idea. Thank you for letting me know".

And then looking for another job somewhere less captured.

Because that scenario, a third part complaint resulting in a no questions asked formal reprimand from a senior officer is ludicrous and probably breaks a number of employment laws.

SweetSenorita · 15/01/2023 16:08

Scotty12 · 15/01/2023 16:04

Wow how terribly unfair on your son. Hopefully it will blow over and he can learn from it.

What's to fucking learn? 🤷

Original poster
momtoboys · 15/01/2023 16:09

Scotty12 · 15/01/2023 16:04

Wow how terribly unfair on your son. Hopefully it will blow over and he can learn from it.

He has sure learned a tough, necessary lesson.

OP posts:
HaddawayAndShite · 15/01/2023 16:16

SweetSenorita · 15/01/2023 16:08

What's to fucking learn? 🤷

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Use someone’s name instead of guessing their gender? I mean, it’s fucking insanity but such is this world.

Megifer · 15/01/2023 16:16

While I agree the warning is madness he was a bit rude to say "her".

Usually when using her/him etc you're not talking to the person directly. That's the whole point that people getting offended by misgendering is ridiculous.

jcyclops · 15/01/2023 16:18

hopeishere · 15/01/2023 16:05

Because I don't know their sons name?? I guess I could have said "your son" instead.

But you didn't, so you are hereby issued with a formal reprimand.

(it's not fair is it?)

Lcb123 · 15/01/2023 16:20

its unfortunate but a lesson to use someone’s name!

catandcoffee · 15/01/2023 16:21

Just tell him to use the name or 'This person' as I assume the person identifies as a person.... but who really knows 🤔

Megifer · 15/01/2023 16:23

jcyclops · 15/01/2023 16:18

But you didn't, so you are hereby issued with a formal reprimand.

(it's not fair is it?)

Show quote history

That would be because the op has already confirmed her son is a male, and the correct pronouns to use when talking about a male in the third person includes 'him'

Justcallmebebes · 15/01/2023 16:27

hopeishere · 15/01/2023 15:47

Referring to someone as "her" is rude regardless. Why didn't he use their name?

What absolute rot. So by these standards, you are rude to refer to OP's son as "he"

saraclara · 15/01/2023 16:29

I can't think that I've ever said anything along the lines of "when I've finished with her/him". It would be "when I've finished with Jane" or "when I've finished here". It just sounds so odd (and yes, rude) to say "when I've finished with her". If someone said that while workiing with me, I'd definitely find it inappropriate and maybe even say something. "Her? I've got a name you know!" either with or without humour, depending.

So yes, when I started reading the OP, I thought the other person had complained because it was a rude turn of phrase.

saraclara · 15/01/2023 16:30

Justcallmebebes · 15/01/2023 16:27

What absolute rot. So by these standards, you are rude to refer to OP's son as "he"

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As had already been pointed out, we don't know OP's sons name, and we are not taking about him while he's present.

LlynTegid · 15/01/2023 16:30

Use the person's name is a better way to respond to the pronoun nonsense (or that's how I view it).

Clymene · 15/01/2023 16:32

The conversation could easily have gone:

"Hey Dan, are you still working with Sam? I really could do with your help on this project?"

“Ok, I’ll be right there when I finish with her.”

Nothing weird about calling her 'her'.

saraclara · 15/01/2023 16:32

jcyclops · 15/01/2023 16:18

But you didn't, so you are hereby issued with a formal reprimand.

(it's not fair is it?)

Show quote history

The situation is not comparable. We are not in the son's presence. It is perfectly fine to say "I was just finishing with her" when the subject is not present. When they are present, you use their name.

Georgeskitchen · 15/01/2023 16:33

This is one of the millennia of reasons why I am very glad I'm no longer in the workplace

Clymene · 15/01/2023 16:33

And he was not reprimanded for being rude; he was reprimanded for misgendering.

hopeishere · 15/01/2023 16:35

If you are standing beside someone whose name you presumably know calling them "her" is rude.

It's not the same as in an online conversation like this.

Megifer · 15/01/2023 16:36

"Ok ill be right there when i finish"

No need to add on the unnecessary 'her' as its already been established that the DS was working with someone.

It is rude. Its why 'whos she? The cats mother' is a saying.

SausageInCider · 15/01/2023 16:38

Rude to refer to the person you’re sitting with as “her” anyway. Did he not know this persons name?

“I’ll be with you as soon as we’re finished here”

”I’m just going through this with Sam, I’ll pop over when we’re finished”

”the intern had a question I’ll be over when I’ve finished with her”

I highly doubt this actually happened how you described it if it even happened at all. Its an incredibly clunky way to speak

Sunbird24 · 15/01/2023 16:42

Them/they doesn’t necessarily imply more than one person as a PP suggested, it’s long been used for a singular person where the sex or gender isn’t known. For example, “I’ll ask one of my team to get in touch with you, they’ll call you later” or “I thought there was someone in the car park but I couldn’t see them clearly”.

On the OP, I do think a written warning is excessive for a first ‘offence’, especially when the individual in question wasn’t even the one offended. The disciplinary process should be available to all employees so OP’s son can ask for a copy, most places would start with an informal chat and only escalate on repeat.

Toddlerteaplease · 15/01/2023 16:42

harrassedmumto3 · 15/01/2023 15:35

What fucking nonsense. So sorry for your son Sad

Exactly

Georgieporgie29 · 15/01/2023 16:46

I think what strikes me as even worse about this is that the person he misgendered didn’t even complain, it was someone else poking their nose in being offended on someone else’s behalf

pocketvenuss · 15/01/2023 16:48

But what if I'm not a 'they/them', I'm a 'she/her' so referring to me as 'them' would be misgendering me