Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to keep separate finances from my husband for this reason?

116 replies

Account1 · 15/01/2023 12:41

AIBU to want to keep separate finances from my husband due to DSC.

Basically I don't want to join finances completely with my husband because I don't want to be responsible for paying for DSC.

At the moment we have a joint account for bills, a joint savings account and then separate accounts for everything else. My wages get paid into my separate account and I transfer an amount to cover half bills into the joint account along with some savings into the other but I keep the rest of the money in my separate. My husband does the same but I expect him to cover whatever DSC need (or he wants to get them) via his own disposable income. So any clothes they need, school trips, uniform, treats, extras or whatever, he'd buy via his own bank. I don't want some family "pot" where we just pay for everything jointly.

My reasoning for this is basically for a couple of reasons, firstly DSC are getting older and thus increasingly expensive, wanting designer clothes and shoes, spends, phones, money into savings for them etc etc. And also the fact I think my husband spends too much on them sometimes. They seem to get whatever they ask for and I wouldn't be happy funding that partly myself. When I've mentioned to DH in the past that I think he can go a bit OTT with spending on them he's told me it's not my business what he spends on his children which is fair enough but then I don't want my money getting involved then if I don't have a say.

At the moment basically it's a case of as long as he pays his half of the bills and the costs for our joint child then if he wants to spend all his disposable buying DSC stuff then that's fine but I won't be bailing him out to do so. It worries me that if it was in one pot it would just seem like more money he'd have to spend on them.

He thinks we should have one family pot which all the kids phones, savings, clothes, uniform, trips etc.. come out of, I think we should stay separate and then spend our disposable however we choose.

OP posts:
Original poster
Account1 · 15/01/2023 12:42

Ps. I'm aware that legally speaking of we divorced everything would be considered joint. I'm not talking about in the event of a split though, I'm talking about now, presently, day to day within the marriage.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/01/2023 12:43

I think you’re definitely not being unreasonable. You have separate obligations and responsibilities such as his DC. Therefore separate finances makes sense.

MrsSkylerWhite · 15/01/2023 12:43

I think your current arrangement is sensible.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/01/2023 12:43

Also, he wants it both ways doesn’t he? It’s not your place to make or contribute to any decisions but you have to pay?

Original poster
Account1 · 15/01/2023 12:45

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/01/2023 12:43

I think you’re definitely not being unreasonable. You have separate obligations and responsibilities such as his DC. Therefore separate finances makes sense.

This is what I say, financially DSC are his responsibility. Of course for things like our bills or the occasional treat or even sometimes things like holidays, I contribute equally. But I also don't want to be paying the costs of things like clothes and uniform and phones, savings and spends etc for DSC. If he didn't want to pay all that then he shouldn't have had as many children as he chose to have!

OP posts:
Original poster
Account1 · 15/01/2023 12:45

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/01/2023 12:43

Also, he wants it both ways doesn’t he? It’s not your place to make or contribute to any decisions but you have to pay?

Exactly. There's no way I'd be giving up my money but apparently not being allowed a say in how it's spent!! Why on earth would I agree to that.

OP posts:
MeinKraft · 15/01/2023 12:46

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/01/2023 12:43

Also, he wants it both ways doesn’t he? It’s not your place to make or contribute to any decisions but you have to pay?

Yeah this is the kicker. If he wants to join your finances then spending decisions have to be joint too.

Mumsanetta · 15/01/2023 12:47

I also agree that your current arrangement is sensible. Not necessarily because he has children but more because you disagree about how money should be spent on them and he has said it’s not your business.

My DH and I have a similar arrangement and we have a DC. We both spend very differently - I will happily spend £££ on skincare for example - and save very differently so it works for us. I’m the higher earner so I pick up childcare costs separately to the joint pot to make things fairer.

BeckettandCastle · 15/01/2023 12:47

I agree with you, they're his children so he can pay for them. The whole time he can solely choose what to spend on them he can pay, otherwise you are subsiding his spending and I'd not be happy with that.

I've got DC with my DH and we both decide what to spend on our children so we both pay for it. If he decided to get then something I didn't agree with, then I wouldn't pay for it - he could pay for it himself.

HandbagsnGladrags · 15/01/2023 12:47

Of course it's not unreasonable. It's exactly what we do for the same reason. Is your husband expecting you to subsidise his kids?

Ilikewinter · 15/01/2023 12:47

100% agree on keeping separate finances. Me and DH have this set up and we dont have any kids!

Original poster
Account1 · 15/01/2023 12:47

MeinKraft · 15/01/2023 12:46

Yeah this is the kicker. If he wants to join your finances then spending decisions have to be joint too.

Show quote history

He says he only said it's none of my business because we don't currently have joint finances but I'm not sure I believe that personally. And even if so, I don't really want to be involved with the necessary costs either of things like uniform, school dinners, school trips, phones blah blah blah.

OP posts:
Mumsanetta · 15/01/2023 12:49

Account1 · 15/01/2023 12:47

He says he only said it's none of my business because we don't currently have joint finances but I'm not sure I believe that personally. And even if so, I don't really want to be involved with the necessary costs either of things like uniform, school dinners, school trips, phones blah blah blah.

Show quote history

I would be telling him he said what he said, he can’t go changing his mind now! 😂

AnotherForumUser · 15/01/2023 12:50

Ah so what's his is his to spend as he wishes. And what's yours is also his to spend as he wishes. I'd be telling him to get to fuck with that attitude.

dontpickupthemob · 15/01/2023 12:51

Stick to your guns and don't change the arrangement.

SomethingLessIdentifiable · 15/01/2023 12:51

I think your current set up is ideal.

What has he said is his reason for wanting to merge finances?

I can see how fully merging your finances benefits him, but can he explain how it benefits you at all?

Ohjustboreoff · 15/01/2023 12:51

DH and I have always had separate bank accounts for our money then joint for bills. We don't have any DC's from previous relationships and we both work. He earns more than me so put a little more into the joint each month.
Just makes sense to us and it works really well.

LuckyPaisley · 15/01/2023 12:52

Tell him that if he wants split the costs, you get to veto any purchases he wants to make for them. Within reason - obviously if they need school uniform they need it. But you'd say no to too many expensive clothes and top end phones.

Of course that's not the solution because it makes you the evil stepmother, so the fairest way is you share household costs and costs for your shared children, then you both have your own money for everything else, like you suggest. He's being really unfair to insist you pay half of expensive things for his children, when you don't get a say in it.

Original poster
Account1 · 15/01/2023 12:52

I think he currently doesn't have much disposable for himself in comparison to me. But then I think well... I don't have as many children to pay for so?

OP posts:
Ohjustboreoff · 15/01/2023 12:52

I wouldn't want him looking at ever £ I spend.

RandomPerson42 · 15/01/2023 12:53

Normally I think fully joint finances for committed couples is best, for example what happens if he is out of work for a couple of years…

but with step-children the dynamic changes totally.

You don’t want to be having lots of “discussions” on things where he will think it’s none of your business and he should be able to do what he wishes for his child.

A step-mother is not a financial addition to a biological mother that is still alive… e.g. if your husband loses his job for example then it is the biological mother who would need to pick up that slack, not you.

Original poster
Account1 · 15/01/2023 12:53

LuckyPaisley · 15/01/2023 12:52

Tell him that if he wants split the costs, you get to veto any purchases he wants to make for them. Within reason - obviously if they need school uniform they need it. But you'd say no to too many expensive clothes and top end phones.

Of course that's not the solution because it makes you the evil stepmother, so the fairest way is you share household costs and costs for your shared children, then you both have your own money for everything else, like you suggest. He's being really unfair to insist you pay half of expensive things for his children, when you don't get a say in it.

Yes, but also I don't really want to be contributing to the stuff they need either like uniforms and things. To me, that's a cost he should share with his ex, not me.

OP posts:
Whatsshecalled · 15/01/2023 12:53

YANBU, if you throw it all in one point you'll end up arguing about it or resenting his spending. Me and DH have exactly the same financial set up (no DSC) so joint acct for all bills and family stuff, joint savings + our own individual accounts for personal spending. We never argue about money. Your set up is very sensible

Knickerthief1 · 15/01/2023 12:54

I would say why change things when its clearly going to cause unrest and arguments in your relationship. Why would you choose to make a change that will make you both unhappy!

SonnySideDown · 15/01/2023 12:55

Blimey. If DH said he didn't want to contribute financially to my DD I wouldn't have married him.

However we share all money. It goes in one big pot and that's how its always been. I spend the majority of it as I'm the one making sure the kids are clothed, clubs paid for etc. However my DH has no issue on what I spend despite being the much bigger earner.

Swipe left for the next trending thread