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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to keep separate finances from my husband for this reason?

116 replies

Account1 · 15/01/2023 12:41

AIBU to want to keep separate finances from my husband due to DSC.

Basically I don't want to join finances completely with my husband because I don't want to be responsible for paying for DSC.

At the moment we have a joint account for bills, a joint savings account and then separate accounts for everything else. My wages get paid into my separate account and I transfer an amount to cover half bills into the joint account along with some savings into the other but I keep the rest of the money in my separate. My husband does the same but I expect him to cover whatever DSC need (or he wants to get them) via his own disposable income. So any clothes they need, school trips, uniform, treats, extras or whatever, he'd buy via his own bank. I don't want some family "pot" where we just pay for everything jointly.

My reasoning for this is basically for a couple of reasons, firstly DSC are getting older and thus increasingly expensive, wanting designer clothes and shoes, spends, phones, money into savings for them etc etc. And also the fact I think my husband spends too much on them sometimes. They seem to get whatever they ask for and I wouldn't be happy funding that partly myself. When I've mentioned to DH in the past that I think he can go a bit OTT with spending on them he's told me it's not my business what he spends on his children which is fair enough but then I don't want my money getting involved then if I don't have a say.

At the moment basically it's a case of as long as he pays his half of the bills and the costs for our joint child then if he wants to spend all his disposable buying DSC stuff then that's fine but I won't be bailing him out to do so. It worries me that if it was in one pot it would just seem like more money he'd have to spend on them.

He thinks we should have one family pot which all the kids phones, savings, clothes, uniform, trips etc.. come out of, I think we should stay separate and then spend our disposable however we choose.

OP posts:
dexterslockedintheshedagain · 15/01/2023 13:28

When I've mentioned to DH in the past that I think he can go a bit OTT with spending on them he's told me it's not my business what he spends on his children

I was a bit 🤨 until I read this bit. I'm with you. If he considers it none of your business, then he uses none of your money. Simple.

Pinkyandtwerky · 15/01/2023 13:29

You are definitely not being unreasonable and I hope you can stand your ground without him getting too arsey about it.
if you contribute too then the DSD have 3 (4 of ex is remarried and persuades her DH the same) parents paying for them cf your DD who has 2.

I would actually be really cross he was suggesting it actually esp when it’s for fancy phones and designer shoes.

Do you contribute to food or trips when they stay at your house? Just wondering how that works.

I’d be thinking about my will too.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 15/01/2023 13:31

So in theory of dsc need an item costing 90 quid and op, dh and ex pay 30 each isn't the ex in the bloody win here? Why should the ex be better off and the op be worse off? Make the dc =their way imo. My dh wouldn't come home with 1 cake and not 4 but he doesn't pay for uniforms or necessary items for my dc. Treats at his choosing or if he has them out he will treat them but it certainly isn't a given. Op's dsd don't need 3 adults paying for them..
If op is paying utility bills 50 /50 then she is contributing enough anyway..

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/01/2023 13:33

If I was a step mum (which I’m not) I mightn’t mind contributing a fixed amount to his pot for the DSC if I felt that way inclined, and it seemed like my partner had far less/ hardly any disposable income.

However I can’t imagine myself ever marrying or co habiting if with anyone again so I don’t really know what I’d do. I’m sure I wouldn’t want completely merged finances though as I said above.

I’m divorced and my dc have a step mum (not married but they call her this as they live together and have a child - relevant due to next bit). Ive no idea what their financial set up is but I’m pretty sure they don’t have merged finances, as they live in exh’s house that he now solely owns (used to be our house when married).

HandbagsnGladrags · 15/01/2023 13:33

bellswithwhistles · 15/01/2023 13:21

I always wonder if this was a man posting he didn't want to be buying clothes for his wife's first child what the responses would be.

Marry me - marry my children would be my motto. But clearly most women don't think this applies the other way round!

I don't think it apples either way round. See my previous comment about the woman who expected her husband to pay for her kids or she wouldn't have married him.

Maray1967 · 15/01/2023 13:37

Ragruggers · 15/01/2023 13:04

Keep it as it is.It will cause endless rows when his children want things you consider too much.

This is right. He won’t actually let you have an equal say in what is spent, no matter what he claims, as he hasn’t listened to you before on this.
He has just realised he’s short of money and is trying to shift some of the cost on to you.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/01/2023 13:37

HandbagsnGladrags · 15/01/2023 13:33

I don't think it apples either way round. See my previous comment about the woman who expected her husband to pay for her kids or she wouldn't have married him.

Show quote history

It also depends what’s going on with the kids’ other parent I think. If the Op’s partner was a lone parent with their mum having fucked off, never seeing them or contributing, it might be another thing. If they live with their mum some or all of the time, she’s their other parent not the OP.

So with step dads they may end up footing the bill for the fact the first husband/ partner had fucked off - assuming they were happy with this when they got married - whereas it happens less with step mums as the actual mum tends to be in the picture, with the dad earning quite well himself on top of this. Obviously not in all cases.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/01/2023 13:39

For instance I pay for most things for my kids from my full time wages. Ex (who earns more than twice what I do) pays maintenance and then just the costs of physically having them their during his time, plus clothes, costs of having a big enough house etc

Theres no need for step mum to pay in and it’s better than she doesn’t because as above she doesn’t own their house and presumably has savings to offset this.

GabriellaMontez · 15/01/2023 13:40

Now is the time to confirm he was right "it's none of your business" and you want to keep it this way.

Perhaps even point out that you value certain other things over designer clothes (or whatever he buys) and want those to remain your priorities.

StuntNun · 15/01/2023 13:41

I think you're right to keep your finances separate, however if he is much worse off than you financially then it becomes an unequal partnership. I assume you don't want to end up in the position where he can't afford to go out for an evening out with you or buy clothes for himself or go on holiday... but you can afford to. It might be worth looking at how you split the bills or pay for things rather than splitting everything 50:50. Or split the bills evenly but you e.g. take responsibility of paying for holidays while he takes on all the financial responsibility for his children. Yes, at the end of the day, they are his children but at the same time you are a partnership and it needs to work for both partners.

DonnaBanana · 15/01/2023 13:42

I think it depends. If you came into their lives early on, I would find it very weird if you didn’t essentially become another parent to them. But if they were already at secondary and they don’t see you as their second mum then I wouldn’t spend a penny on them

CaptainMyCaptain · 15/01/2023 13:42

My DH and I have had separate finances from the beginning apart from a joint account for food, bills etc which we both pay in to equally. I wouldn't want it any other way.

LolaSmiles · 15/01/2023 13:44

It makes sens to have a joint pot for joint expenses and separate funds for personal spending in your situation.

His outlook seems to be that what's his is his and what's yours should also be his.

BunchHarman · 15/01/2023 13:57

If he didn't want to pay all that then he shouldn't have had as many children as he chose to have!

How many children does he have? And do you have any together?

Daleksatemyshed · 15/01/2023 13:58

Not an issue that effects me, but it's noticable that the parents seem to assume as a SP you don't get to say how much they spend on their DC, but they do expect you to contribute as if they were your own. I'm with you Op, he knows how much money he has going spare, he doesn't get to overspend then expect you to pay more.

Beamur · 15/01/2023 14:02

he's told me it's not my business what he spends on his children which is fair enough but then I don't want my money getting involved then if I don't have a say
I think this sums it up.
If you did pool your resources I bet you still wouldn't get a say and it would be a source of more disagreement for you both.

Beamur · 15/01/2023 14:03

his outlook seems to be that what's his is his and what's yours should also be his
Doesn't it just!

musingsinmidlife · 15/01/2023 14:05

There are many threads on here where posters argue that disposable income should be balanced and relatively equal. That spouses having different standards of living isn't fair and that a caring, loving spouse will pay more to equalize that balance.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/01/2023 14:05

You’re completely right and he’s being ridiculous. What’s his is his and what’s yours is also his

Dacadactyl · 15/01/2023 14:06

Not read any posts other than the OP but I think that when you marry a man with kids, you have to be prepared to take his kids on as your own. If you're not prepared for everything that entails then don't go near men with kids from previous relationships.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/01/2023 14:06

if he gets his way.

If he pays maintenance does he pay that from his own spending money? Is the 50/50 bills fair because you earn the same amount?

HandbagsnGladrags · 15/01/2023 14:11

Dacadactyl · 15/01/2023 14:06

Not read any posts other than the OP but I think that when you marry a man with kids, you have to be prepared to take his kids on as your own. If you're not prepared for everything that entails then don't go near men with kids from previous relationships.

Bullshit.

Dacadactyl · 15/01/2023 14:16

HandbagsnGladrags · 15/01/2023 14:11

Bullshit.

Show quote history

You don't have to like it, but it's what I think.

I mean, any decent bloke worth having is gonna put his kids above you.

SonnySideDown · 15/01/2023 14:16

It's not that I expected DH to pay for DD. Its that our finances are joined, so things that she needs comes out of that one pot. As does stuff for the DC we have together.

We live in a house together, as a family. That's how it is in our house, others do things differently and that's also fine.

But if my DH said I could only spend my own money on my DD and his money could only go on his, nah its not for me. I've been a stepchild, I know how it feels to not be included.

SonnySideDown · 15/01/2023 14:16

And this is the way my DH wants it. He treats my DD as his own. Which is more than her biological father has ever done.