To want to keep separate finances from my husband for this reason?

[Account1]

AIBU to want to keep separate finances from my husband due to DSC.

Basically I don't want to join finances completely with my husband because I don't want to be responsible for paying for DSC.

At the moment we have a joint account for bills, a joint savings account and then separate accounts for everything else. My wages get paid into my separate account and I transfer an amount to cover half bills into the joint account along with some savings into the other but I keep the rest of the money in my separate. My husband does the same but I expect him to cover whatever DSC need (or he wants to get them) via his own disposable income. So any clothes they need, school trips, uniform, treats, extras or whatever, he'd buy via his own bank. I don't want some family "pot" where we just pay for everything jointly.

My reasoning for this is basically for a couple of reasons, firstly DSC are getting older and thus increasingly expensive, wanting designer clothes and shoes, spends, phones, money into savings for them etc etc. And also the fact I think my husband spends too much on them sometimes. They seem to get whatever they ask for and I wouldn't be happy funding that partly myself. When I've mentioned to DH in the past that I think he can go a bit OTT with spending on them he's told me it's not my business what he spends on his children which is fair enough but then I don't want my money getting involved then if I don't have a say.

At the moment basically it's a case of as long as he pays his half of the bills and the costs for our joint child then if he wants to spend all his disposable buying DSC stuff then that's fine but I won't be bailing him out to do so. It worries me that if it was in one pot it would just seem like more money he'd have to spend on them.

He thinks we should have one family pot which all the kids phones, savings, clothes, uniform, trips etc.. come out of, I think we should stay separate and then spend our disposable however we choose.

I think that's a hard question for me to answer. No personally I wouldn't expect to just take over from their mum in every way if she sadly died. I'd probably have to support DH a bit more but I wouldn't still expect him to be doing the vast majority of the care and financial providing for his children even if there mum wasn't around.

Join your finances and it will your fault if the dsc don't get as much as they are accustomed to receive

Thank you for answering. I hope you resolve the situation in such a way that no-one ends up compromising too much.

FWIW, I do think it is unfair for him to expect you to pool your resources but to say you can have no input into how the money gets spent etc.

These types of threads always highlight the difficulty of step-parenting.

Best of luck with it.

I think you're very sensible and I would do the same
I have never had a joint account with anyone

I think the way you've got it currently is perfect.

Exactly. We did our finances quite separately too: shared expenses for shared child; DP paid for his own kids.

A lot of the time the mother would have been financially disadvantaged by her partner moving in with the loss of tax credits or the likes, so if he had agreed in advance to take on the contribution the he’d have his arse handed to him on a plate.

If until he had more money she was of the opinion it was none of his business then I think opinions would be the same.

the OP’s DH doesn’t want her to contribute because the children are family children or because he thinks things should be shared. He thinks it’s none of her business, but he wants her to contribute so he has more money.

Who do you think would be taking care of the children if not your dh if their mum died?

She didn’t say she didn’t expect her DH to take over. She said she wouldn’t be the one stepping in so he’d be doing the bulk of the care and be the one providing financially.

I can see your logic, but I really don’t get it in practise. Whatever he spends on them is still less money for yourselves, current outgoings, treats, holidays, your future. I don’t see how you can not be contributing for these things even if indirectly.

I don’t have stepchildren but if DH decided to take up an expensive hobby, it would impact our finances even if he did spend that money from his own bank account.

In a scenario where a woman’s earning potential has been massively limited by childbirth, child-rearing and time out of work that approach is fair.

Too often these days though, particularly as women are earning more and increasing becoming breadwinners it’s being abused by men who see it as a meal ticket.

Men don’t have a massive financial disadvantage due to taking time out of work to raise kids or childcare issues or structural sexism in the workplace. Why should it be a woman’s obligation to help an able bodied, financially independent man support children that aren’t hers?

I would expect my husband to be taking care of his children obviously. I said I wouldn't expect to just suddenly take over from their mum in every way.

How come every step parent thread turns into 'what if the mum does?' Does my head in.

It’s annoying isn’t it?
OP shouldn’t have to pay for school shoes on the basis that the mum might die one day and “what would she do then”? 🙄
Err, her husband would buy them?

OP, stick to the arrangement you have.

Any change will not benefit you or your children.

Teens can be expensive and if he is very generous with them he clearly wants you sharing the load.

Absolutely not.

You will very quickly become very resentful.

Start saving for your children in a joint account with them for college, quietly and use your money wisely.

His children have two parents to provide for them, only a complete mug would be sucked into this.

Be very careful that he doesn't reduce his contribution to his children with you, so that you are paying for his children by stealth.

You've demonstrated perfectly why the finances need to be separate. He's been very clear that you do not get equal say when it comes to spending on the step children.
Do be careful though that you don't end up in a situation where he's buying his older children iPhone and designer trainers yet expects you to fund all of your shared child's treats. Ensure he's paying half. Alternatively help yourself to an equivalent treat from the family pot.