To want to keep separate finances from my husband for this reason?

[Account1]

AIBU to want to keep separate finances from my husband due to DSC.

Basically I don't want to join finances completely with my husband because I don't want to be responsible for paying for DSC.

At the moment we have a joint account for bills, a joint savings account and then separate accounts for everything else. My wages get paid into my separate account and I transfer an amount to cover half bills into the joint account along with some savings into the other but I keep the rest of the money in my separate. My husband does the same but I expect him to cover whatever DSC need (or he wants to get them) via his own disposable income. So any clothes they need, school trips, uniform, treats, extras or whatever, he'd buy via his own bank. I don't want some family "pot" where we just pay for everything jointly.

My reasoning for this is basically for a couple of reasons, firstly DSC are getting older and thus increasingly expensive, wanting designer clothes and shoes, spends, phones, money into savings for them etc etc. And also the fact I think my husband spends too much on them sometimes. They seem to get whatever they ask for and I wouldn't be happy funding that partly myself. When I've mentioned to DH in the past that I think he can go a bit OTT with spending on them he's told me it's not my business what he spends on his children which is fair enough but then I don't want my money getting involved then if I don't have a say.

At the moment basically it's a case of as long as he pays his half of the bills and the costs for our joint child then if he wants to spend all his disposable buying DSC stuff then that's fine but I won't be bailing him out to do so. It worries me that if it was in one pot it would just seem like more money he'd have to spend on them.

He thinks we should have one family pot which all the kids phones, savings, clothes, uniform, trips etc.. come out of, I think we should stay separate and then spend our disposable however we choose.

Regardless of the DSC, everyone should have their own separate bank/savings account along with all the joint ones, imo. Don’t think YABU at all for this.

Well I assume the mum of DSC spends on them too? Your joint DC has two parents funding them - so do your DSC. Seems fair!

Yanbu: your arrangement is similar to ours, I won't join finances either

What has changed that he's suggesting this now OP? Is it just that he's noticing he doesn't have as much disposable income as you?

Blimey. If DH said he didn't want to contribute financially to my DD I wouldn't have married him.

That's fair enough. But my husband did marry me knowing that I'd never contributed to his kids uniforms before so why would I now? He pays half and his ex pays half. Don't see the need for me to get involved.

I think so yes.

YANBU. We don't have joint finances either.

I honestly don't understand this mentality. I have never relied on a man other than my daughter's father to support her financially.

If he doesn’t have as much disposable income currently , he should cut down on expensive things he buys for his dc, and he’d have more. That’s only what you’d say to do anyway if you went joint so why shouldn’t he start working that out on his own then it’s his decision. And if he can’t start doing that off his own bat then why would you believe he can when it’s joint incomes?? It’s a no thank you from me!

Why should OP pay for someone else's children's school uniform ? Or anything else.

He doesn't really want joint finances, he just wants access to your money to spend as he pleases.

Keep it as it is.It will cause endless rows when his children want things you consider too much.

We do the same as you OP; it makes things easier in a way as I don’t always agree on what DH spends on DSD but i leave it up to him as it’s his money whereas if it was joint money and effected me then there would be more disagreements. Also and I don’t mean this to sound cold but he decided to have a DC and then more with me all of which he knew he’d be financially responsible for whereas I chose to have our DC based on being financially responsible for them. I already pay towards DSD through having a house with enough room for her and other little ways which I accepted as part of being with someone who has a child and we pay together for family trips etc rather than expecting DH to pay her part so it’s not as if I don’t pay anything towards her and I often buy stuff for her when me and her are out

My DH is the father of my DC and we keep separate accounts and a joint one for bills. I don’t see an issue with this. We also have a joint credit card for family spends like days out and if one of us buys things for the DC then the bill is split each month. I earn more than DH so the bills amount is proportionate to our net pay but the spending on family and DC is just split.

Keep your current arrangement!

Does his ex wife have a partner who stumps up money for his step children @Account1

I think your current set up is good, dh and I had the same (I had dc from previous relationship).

Does your dh contribute equally to your joint savings?

Once he has contributed to your shared bills, your shared savings, essential costs for your SDC, what he has left is for him to spend/save as he sees fit. On his previous DC, on himself, put into savings.

The same for you.

The only caveat I would have is that the arrangement worked well for me and dh because we had similar-ish incomes and similar parsimonious approaches to spending on our own personal stuff, and we both had 'enough'. It would have been much more difficult if I had earned a lot less and was struggling to pay essential costs for my previous dc, or if I had nothing left to spend on myself, and if meanwhile dh was spending ££££ on new bikes, skiing holidays, designer gear...

However, I get the impression that your dh has 'enough' but if there were 'more' as a consequence of completely shared finances then he would spend 'more on his previous DC - that could be a bottomless pit!

Now we are retired and we DO have one shared account for all our income (disparity in our pension arrangements) and for all our shared outgoings. We have equal amounts in savings, and from our shared income we get equal 'spending money'. I still spend some of that on my previous dcs even though they are adults and contributions to their uni fees came from my own savings. However, overall it made no difference because what dh didn't spend from his personal account over the years eventually became part of our shared savings.

I agree with you. He can't say you should put your wages into a family pot that benefits the SC but also maintain its none of your business what is spent on the SC.

Fully joint finances are only suitable when the partners are fully in agreement with the arrangements. My husband and I only have joint children but we have partly joint and partly separate finances because we have different ideas and spending habits re disposable income. Saves so many arguments and is also fair because we both work FT and there is no big discrepancy in income.

I have 3 dc. We have 1 joint dc. We have very separate finances. Why would he be expected to pay for my dc? I get no Cms from their df. I just work harder.

I’d definitely stick with your arrangement in your shoes.

We do all in, but our situation is different in that we both have children (him 1 me 2) that don’t have another contributing parent.

However, we also have equal say and discussion over spending and very similar views on expenditure. It doesn’t work if you don’t from what I’ve seen of other couples.

I think he currently doesn't have much disposable for himself in comparison to me.

But does he have 'enough' (whatever that means)? Of course he could buy more 'stuff' for SDC, if he had more money, but are they adequately provided for?

but why would you contribute to his kids who I assume have a mother contributing as well
So in his eyes three adults contribute to 2 kids and one of the adults has no biological or legal responsibility to do so

so ask him why he thinks this should be the case .

And be careful if you have kids together
he seems like the type who would expect you to pay everything for your joint child ( if you have one ) while he just pays for his with his ex wife .

joining finances is great for him
he gets to spend his money and yours on his kids
while you get - what exactly
just being the idiot who is subsidizing him and his ex wife’s finances

just say nope you are perfectly happy how things are .
If he pushes it ask him why he thinks you should work and give him money for his children and indirectly his ex wife

I always wonder if this was a man posting he didn't want to be buying clothes for his wife's first child what the responses would be.

Marry me - marry my children would be my motto. But clearly most women don't think this applies the other way round!

Oh boy!
DP (earning marginally less than me) and I have separate accounts and pay money into joint savings and mortgage / bills accounts.

I like spending on our DC, and buy stuff that DP definitely wouldn't stretch to. He doesn't disagree with them having the things I buy them, just doesn't want to spend his money on it as it wouldn't give him the same pleasure as it does me. Not essentials or 'planned' spends, but extras; perhaps a charity shop bargain vintage belt or a trip to the cinema with a friend.

It's my money and as such, I don't need to consult with DP about it or feel guilty.

As far as our DC are concerned, whatever is bought for them comes from both me and DP.

to be fair, you probably are contributing a fair amount towards the DSC anyway, because Im assuming the house is bigger, to accommodate them, and you are paying 50% on that. If it were just the two of you and DC you could probably save money on a smaller house.

But yes, I think you are correct in how its split. The DSC have 2 parents to contribute - their mum and dad.

I always wonder if this was a man posting he didn't want to be buying clothes for his wife's first child what the responses would be

If she was telling him it was none of his business what she spent from the joint funds I would expect similar responses, yes.