Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to keep separate finances from my husband for this reason?

116 replies

Account1 · 15/01/2023 12:41

AIBU to want to keep separate finances from my husband due to DSC.

Basically I don't want to join finances completely with my husband because I don't want to be responsible for paying for DSC.

At the moment we have a joint account for bills, a joint savings account and then separate accounts for everything else. My wages get paid into my separate account and I transfer an amount to cover half bills into the joint account along with some savings into the other but I keep the rest of the money in my separate. My husband does the same but I expect him to cover whatever DSC need (or he wants to get them) via his own disposable income. So any clothes they need, school trips, uniform, treats, extras or whatever, he'd buy via his own bank. I don't want some family "pot" where we just pay for everything jointly.

My reasoning for this is basically for a couple of reasons, firstly DSC are getting older and thus increasingly expensive, wanting designer clothes and shoes, spends, phones, money into savings for them etc etc. And also the fact I think my husband spends too much on them sometimes. They seem to get whatever they ask for and I wouldn't be happy funding that partly myself. When I've mentioned to DH in the past that I think he can go a bit OTT with spending on them he's told me it's not my business what he spends on his children which is fair enough but then I don't want my money getting involved then if I don't have a say.

At the moment basically it's a case of as long as he pays his half of the bills and the costs for our joint child then if he wants to spend all his disposable buying DSC stuff then that's fine but I won't be bailing him out to do so. It worries me that if it was in one pot it would just seem like more money he'd have to spend on them.

He thinks we should have one family pot which all the kids phones, savings, clothes, uniform, trips etc.. come out of, I think we should stay separate and then spend our disposable however we choose.

OP posts:
HandbagsnGladrags · 15/01/2023 14:19

@Dacadactyl I take it you're not a step parent. There's a whole world of difference between a man putting his kids first, and a woman taking on someone else's kids 'as her own' because she happened to marry their father. Would you want some other woman taking on your kids as her own? I certainly wouldn't.

funinthesun19 · 15/01/2023 14:21

Account1 · 15/01/2023 12:52

I think he currently doesn't have much disposable for himself in comparison to me. But then I think well... I don't have as many children to pay for so?

Exactly. He has more children than you, so he has more to pay for. It’s kind of how it works!

You’re doing the right thing by keeping your money separate.

Lcb123 · 15/01/2023 14:22

your current arrangement seems best. You didn’t mention but assume the DSC have another parent who also supports them financially? In which case, no reason you should

Dacadactyl · 15/01/2023 14:23

HandbagsnGladrags · 15/01/2023 14:19

@Dacadactyl I take it you're not a step parent. There's a whole world of difference between a man putting his kids first, and a woman taking on someone else's kids 'as her own' because she happened to marry their father. Would you want some other woman taking on your kids as her own? I certainly wouldn't.

No I'm not a step parent. Wouldn't be remotely interested in a man with children already (unless he was a young widower)

If (God forbid) my children were ever in a 2 house situation, I would certainly want their step mum to treat them as her own. Why wouldn't you? What if I died while my kids were young? I wouldn't want their step mum to be all stand-offish with them. I'd want her to love them too. And if she couldn't do that, I would say she has no business being with a man who has kids.

Original poster
Account1 · 15/01/2023 14:25

Yes but you don't get to say treat and pay for my kids as if their your own but it's none of your business what I spend on them. Okay it's none of my business, so pay for it yourself.

And yes my DSC have another parent who pays half for all of these things so I don't see why I need to. To me, outside of the occasional treat and household bills, my DSC are the financial responsibility of their parents, so if they need uniform or spends or whatever else, it should come from their mum and dad, not me, DH and their mum.

OP posts:
PeekAtYou · 15/01/2023 14:27

yanbu

He can't suggest joint money but not agree to budgets on spending like luxuries for dsc. We all know that joint money will mean that he will spend your money on dsc too.

HandbagsnGladrags · 15/01/2023 14:27

@Dacadactyl yeah...I suspect you'd be the one on here complaining about the SM overstepped boundaries.

Why do people comment on stuff they know nothing about? 🙄

Dacadactyl · 15/01/2023 14:29

Account1 · 15/01/2023 14:25

Yes but you don't get to say treat and pay for my kids as if their your own but it's none of your business what I spend on them. Okay it's none of my business, so pay for it yourself.

And yes my DSC have another parent who pays half for all of these things so I don't see why I need to. To me, outside of the occasional treat and household bills, my DSC are the financial responsibility of their parents, so if they need uniform or spends or whatever else, it should come from their mum and dad, not me, DH and their mum.

In your first paragraph you make a fair point.

I see what you're saying in your 2nd paragraph but what if the kids mum died, would you step into the breach then if needs be? Just curious.

funinthesun19 · 15/01/2023 14:29

Everyone saying “what if it was a man”…

I can’t explain why, but there is a very big difference between being in a relationship with the RP (mostly the mums), and a relationship with the NRP (mostly the dads). Women should keep their money safe when in an NRP dynamic.

Mars27 · 15/01/2023 14:30

His children, his money, simple as. Yanbu, definitely.

Dacadactyl · 15/01/2023 14:31

HandbagsnGladrags · 15/01/2023 14:27

@Dacadactyl yeah...I suspect you'd be the one on here complaining about the SM overstepped boundaries.

Why do people comment on stuff they know nothing about? 🙄

I've never been cheated on or abused but I can give sensible advice on here to those who have.

Just cos you don't like what I'm saying doesn't mean I can't comment because of a lack of personal experience.

Simonjt · 15/01/2023 14:41

We have one joint child and one that legally is just mine.

All of our earnings go into a joint account, everything is paid for from this account including anything related to both children. We both take out the same amount of money per month and put it in our personal accounts for spending on anything we like, grown up pocket money.

No matter how you as a couple decide to provide for the children, you both need the same disposable income/fun money, so in a split finances situation you will need to contribute more to even things up if he has less disposable income.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 15/01/2023 14:47

I’d definitely keep my finances separate

Gymnopedie · 15/01/2023 14:52

It sounds like he has more disposable income than he's making out but he chooses to spend it on whatever his DC decide they want, therefore he has less to spend on himself. That's his choice but it's still disposable income.

Agree OP, keep things the way they are.

caringcarer · 15/01/2023 15:04

I think the set up have now saves lots of potential friction. If it was one shared joint pot you would get annoyed if he bought his DC lots of designer clothes or high end phones and. As long as he wants to treat his children so extravagantly he pays himself. You are being fair as you say you don't mind the odd treat or holiday from joint account. Surely their mother should be paying for school lunches on days they are sleeping at her house and go halves with your DH on large ticket items like new high end phones. He needs to be speaking to his ex about having a joint account they both pay into to provide for their DC.

FredWinnie · 15/01/2023 15:05

funinthesun19 · 15/01/2023 14:29

Everyone saying “what if it was a man”…

I can’t explain why, but there is a very big difference between being in a relationship with the RP (mostly the mums), and a relationship with the NRP (mostly the dads). Women should keep their money safe when in an NRP dynamic.

The way I see it is that women have been exploited by men for centuries. Women have been exploited for physical labour, financial gain, and for sex

Men were permitted to be acquisitive through various laws, some of which were only finally repealed in my lifetime

So even now, some women who are partners with a (male) parent may find themselves in a position where their personal security and agency feels under threat, by the old systems and laws that still resonate now

"Women should want to pay for his kids"
"Women are naturally nurturing. Anything else is just selfish"
"they're kids, FFS"
Ad infinitum

OP please stick to your guns.
You'll be doing his DC a great service by presenting yourself as a strong role model - demonstrating that women's wants and needs do not have to be subsumed into their husbands'

Paq · 15/01/2023 15:07

YANBU. Seems entirely sensible.

caringcarer · 15/01/2023 15:08

Think about will too. If you don't have a will the joint house will automatically go to your DH if you die first. Would he then leave it between as LL his DC equally? You could leave your half of house to your DC giving your DH lifetime interest. That way your DC would get minimum of half of house. Your Dh's half of house would he leave to just his 2 older children or between as LL 3 DC? This is the bigger issue in my mind.

LovelyDaaling · 15/01/2023 15:15

The current arrangement niggles your husband. But he lives with it.

Pool your money and it will become a massive issue to you.

Stay as you are.

caringcarer · 15/01/2023 15:22

My second husband has no biological children of his own. From point of our marriage my two DS's have lived with us. DD at uni but home for holidays. DH and I both pay equal amounts into joint account that pays for all food and bills including takeaways. Rest of our salary goes into our own bank accounts. I paid for almost 18 year olds clothes until he was old enough to work full time himself. I got maintenance from his own Dad which I used to give to him for clothes, college lunches and spending money. Second DH insisted on going halves on everything for 8 year old. We went halves on birthday and Xmas gifts for both DS's. Over time ex has very little contact with either son. Their Stepdad has great relationship with both. He will go to cinema with eldest son and is now helping youngest son do up his house he is just buying before he moves in. He will go out for a dri k with both boys. He also very generously paid half for both their house deposits and I know he leaves them a generous amount in his will. He is a great grandad to DD's 2 children too. He goes halves with me for all gifts as I do for his family and we agree on what gifts to select or how much money to gift.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/01/2023 15:25

So assuming DSCs Mom is single, she should pay 50%, DDad should pay 25% and you should pay 25%? How is that reasonable?

The only thing I'd be mindful of is you having to fully fund your shared kids because he's allocated all his funds into the older kids so that he's paying 50 % for some and only basic house costs for the rest

rwalker · 15/01/2023 15:28

Thing is if he’s got bigger commitments then he should put Jess in joint pot
so but if a no win

FictionalCharacter · 15/01/2023 15:35

“he's told me it's not my business what he spends on his children”
There you go. He admits it’s his spending on his children and says that it’s none of your business, so you have no say in it. So he can’t have it both ways and say that you should be contributing your money.
yanbu.

whumpthereitis · 15/01/2023 15:57

Dacadactyl · 15/01/2023 14:06

Not read any posts other than the OP but I think that when you marry a man with kids, you have to be prepared to take his kids on as your own. If you're not prepared for everything that entails then don't go near men with kids from previous relationships.

they absolutely don’t have to be prepared to do that though.

It’s up to the parent to decide what level of interaction they’re willing to accept from a stepparent, and if it’s not to level they’d like then they’re free to not get into a relationship/marry them.

Dacadactyl · 15/01/2023 16:01

whumpthereitis · 15/01/2023 15:57

they absolutely don’t have to be prepared to do that though.

It’s up to the parent to decide what level of interaction they’re willing to accept from a stepparent, and if it’s not to level they’d like then they’re free to not get into a relationship/marry them.

Show quote history

Yes, I suppose it depends on your values and expectations.

Swipe left for the next trending thread