To think a lot of parenting seems to be this

[Greengables4]

Wishing time away ' 'only a few years until....'
only a few years until they start school then you'll get your life back a little", "only a few years until the difficult teenage years stop" "only a few years until they're 18 and move out"
Myself and my brother are now adults so my parents are enjoying a sort of childfree life, but this took 33 years to reach.
It's one of the things that puts me off, there seem to be so many difficult stages and a lot of parenting seems to be just waiting until they're 18 and you can get your old life back

Sadly I do feel a bit like that. I had ten years of (kind of) happily joint parenting but also unexpected situations of parenting having split from two different partners and that obviously complicated things. I have shouldered much of the responsibility and organisation of DC's lives. I have done 22 years of it now. If I'm honest, when I see other people with toddlers and babies I shudder inside at the memory of relative boredom, the impact on sleep and so on and would not want to go there again. Personally I think it's pretty punishing and hard work. I love my DC and have done the absolute best I can for them. But I feel it's been a responsibility and a job I have done well inducing quite a lot of personal worry, ongoing, rather than a pleasure. I wish I had found the joy in it, like others have seen to have done.

I'm OK with this bit. Both early high school and pretty independent. The earlier years were tough.
1 in bed with us every night for years.
The pre and post work drop off/pick up.
The after work meetings calling for more arrangements.
The school/ childminder closures.
The after school activities.
Weekend kid parties.
All the doing stuff for them.
The bedtime routine.

It was just such a busy busy time.

My friend had her second set of twins at 47. Her first set were 17. Now that made me shudder. She's 51 now and they've just turned four.

Mine and dp's are early 20's and I'm still waiting to be completely free! Whilst mostly they are independent, 3 have sn of varying degrees, one very significant though she lives independently with full care, the other 2 need tlc, with one needing more support and picking up from a&e psych fairly often 🤷‍♀️ that's my life

A lot of people just become parents because it’s the socially expected thing to do, as well as just following the biological drive to replicate our DNA. Which isn’t to say that parenting can’t sometimes be fun and fulfilling. But looked at objectively, no it doesn’t make much sense, especially during these times when many struggle to keep themselves above board financially, never mind 2/3 extra mouths.

There are other ways to have fun and be fulfilled which aren’t so massively costly in terms of time, energy and financial resources.

In past times, having large families was also dictated by money. The elite could have large families because they’d be raised by servants and helpers. The poor (virtually everyone else) because they needed extra hands around the house as well as care in old age. In the last century in the West the choice to have kids or not has become more and more of a “lifestyle choice”. But I think we’re probably well on the way back to money playing a larger role in the decision, as birth rates are plummeting in many developed countries where the cost of a woman taking time out of her career in her 20s or 30s is simply too great, and the general cost of living, particularly stable housing, is increasingly unaffordable.

Not at all. With my first I struggled with sleep deprivation. By the time I had my second I knew it didn’t last long, and was grateful for every second of the baby years. Mine are primary school age and I am definitely not waiting for the next step.

I've felt like this, less so with my first, who aside from sleep issues has been great. My second has been a nightmare and I felt like this alot, but now he's almost 4 it is very clear he is ND and is likely to always have challenges. I expect my eldest will be a smart arse teenager too. I think with my youngest unless anything changes he is always going to be in my life so there is no rejoicing when he's 18, and unless social mobility and opportunities improve for younger people there is no celebrating when they are 18, (NT or not) as they won't be able to leave home and be an adult anyway.

I think people just like different stages of parenting. Some love the baby stage if they are easy babies, some like the challenge of the teen years. Some 9 year old are like teens already and can be challenging too!

I know this isn't a popular opinion, but those of us who have worked FT during the baby and preschool years are likely to look forward to them growing up a bit because it is so bloody stressful and it is sad we wish those years away.

It’s very different for people with money though. Lots of people on here seem to have a couple in the 20s/early 30s and then they have to essentially put their lives “on hold” for 10+ years as the financial/time demands are so great: only one foreign holiday a year compared to the previous three, no more takeaways, no new car, no more expensive birthday presents. Of course those people have one eye on the future when they can get back to before.

But other parents were either richer to begin with or waited until, say, their late 30s when they were reasonably well-off. The “sacrifices” then are significantly less.

So you enjoyed ‘every second’. Did your baby never wake during the night, scream the house/supermarket down, refuse to eat, throw food on the floor three seconds after you’d cleaned up the last lot, did an exploding poo in a public place and you couldn’t find somewhere to clean them up, suddenly got ill and you weren’t sure if you should take them to hospital, gave you sleep deprivation to the point you and DH were snapping at each other, refused to get in the pram, kicked off during a pre-school baby group?

Lucky woman.

Just the one foreign holiday a year? 🤣 I love the MN scale of deprivation.

Oh behave. You are fully aware not all children do these things. Im sorry it’s been hard for you but it’s not the same for everyone.

I didn’t mind the food throwing it made me laugh, the toddler years are great! Clamping their little mouths closed and buggy refusal should all be taken in humour. Eating cat biscuits and toddling everywhere. It’s gorgeous! School age children are generally effortless and babies - well anyone that doesn’t enjoy every second of babyhood is missing the point as it’s so fleeting.

It’s about your frame of mind, if you are as a parent positive, loving and open to the odd accident and issue it should mostly be a reality lovely period of your life. For me, it was a golden period of time I miss very much.

well anyone that doesn’t enjoy every second of babyhood is missing the point as it’s so fleeting

Say no parent of a child who had colic.

Mine are 7 and 4
It's total chaos juggling childcare, work, activities etc

They argue constantly
We have no family support

It's relentless

So although not wishing their time away it's very difficult for us

Sorry posted before I finish

It's hard to find joy when your so stressed, worrying about money and they're trying to kill each other - not much fun at all

I love them both dearly and we do our best but it's a hard slog

Isn't there a space between wishing they'd turn 18 and you can get your life back (however naive that wish is) and loving every minute though? I certainly don't love every minute, it hasn't been easy at all. But the just

Aargh hit post too soon. I was going to say the sentiment in the OP sounds far too extreme. Aren't most of us somewhere in the middle?

I do not believe for one minute that you have never had a difficult time with your children. This is why I questioned that post. It does nobody any benefit to pretend that some people have a perfect time of parenting every day. It’s simply not true unless your child is ND and literally doesn’t move or challenge anything.

People pretend they have a perfect time in order to make others feel their parenting is inadequate. I love my children to death but I would never say to another parent that every day is a breeze. It would be a lie and a transparent one at that. Just like yours.

I still remember Peaches Geldof preaching to others about perfect parenting and attachment theory. She left out the heroin abuse bit though.

I can say hand on heart that I never felt like this. I only have one though so it's never been overwhelming for me. Even through colic and teething I always felt a keen sense of this would be gone and past in a fleeting second and indeed it has, my teething baby is now 7.

Even through colic and teething I always felt a keen sense of this would be gone and past in a fleeting second and indeed it has, my teething baby is now 7.

So as the second hour of crying rolled into the third, as it did every day for six weeks in a row, despite your best efforts to soothe this distressed baby you adored, you just relished the moment, did you? Bullshit.

Mine are little and it’s hard to find childcare and spend time with DH so we are looking forward to that but at the same time I love seeing them grow and develop and spending time them. I’ll miss their constant cuddles and cute little voices when they get older. Swings and roundabouts really.

having said that, if you don’t want kids, don’t have them! There is no reason to

I don't wish for a child free life. But there are definitely stages of parenting that are less fun that others, depending on the child. Aged 1.5 to 3.5 were very difficult for us. DS was late to talk and had sensory issues we were not fully aware of at that stage and, honestly, all I remember is months and months of screaming.

I felt a bit like this sometimes when DS was a baby/toddler but regret it so much now (DS is an adult) as I know I’ll never have grandchildren so Ill never have that baby/toddler time again.

agree absolute BS. I'm in the throes of a very unsettled newborn and I'm counting minutes till she's at least 3 months because that's when everyone says it gets better.

I'll dreading my child starting school - toddler years are ace so far and I want be them to last as long as possible