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Original poster

To think a lot of parenting seems to be this

170 replies

Greengables4 · 14/01/2023 23:33

Wishing time away ' 'only a few years until....'
only a few years until they start school then you'll get your life back a little", "only a few years until the difficult teenage years stop" "only a few years until they're 18 and move out"
Myself and my brother are now adults so my parents are enjoying a sort of childfree life, but this took 33 years to reach.
It's one of the things that puts me off, there seem to be so many difficult stages and a lot of parenting seems to be just waiting until they're 18 and you can get your old life back

OP posts:
Boringcookingquestion · 15/01/2023 01:57

I don’t recognise this at all. I love watching my DS grow but I already miss him being a baby and he’s only two!

I have another newborn now and wish I could slow down the days to take everything in.

Sure, some parts of parenting are harder than others. But looking forward to the next stage doesn’t mean wishing time away (though I’m sure I’ve occasionally said that I can’t wait for tantrums/sleep regressions/ nappies to be over when I’m extra tired).

Ladyincrimson · 15/01/2023 02:08

There’s ups and downs in every era of child rearing. My youngest is 5 years old and I just wish I could keep him this age forever he’s lovely. My eldest is a teenager and she was lovely throughout primary school, she’s extremely difficult now.

Threeboysandadog · 15/01/2023 02:33

With my boys I loved the newborn/baby stage and quite liked them as toddlers. I wanted them to stay little for ever. I absolutely dreaded them becoming teenagers. Dsd was a very challenging teenager (I didn’t get her until she was 12, so a bit of a shock) and I thought I’d never be able to relate to boy teens. However I have loved the teen years. Ds3 is now 16 and has become a sensible human like his brothers. He’s great fun to spend time with and I’m not in any hurry to hit the next stage.

polorider · 15/01/2023 03:07

Difficult, I think there is currently s bit of push back on here from the openess about all the tough bits of parenthood, especially motherhood in the past decade. People get fed up hearing how awful it is.

It really depends on you, your kids, do they sleep, do they have additional needs, do you have money, support etc. For a lot of women I think it is an all consuming thing for many years and you come out of that a different person, you have been institutionalised to motherhood, you've been reshaped by it. Is it a bad thing again it depends, its definitely a massive self sacrifice and many women struggle with what their life becomes. You do love your kids, they can bring flashes of joy but they can limit so much else in your life. That's a choice you have to make. You don't regret them as such but you do wonder if you might have had a better, more fulfilled life doing something else, you give up so much and that's so difficult.

FixItUpChappie · 15/01/2023 03:38

I don't feel at ALL like that OP. I want to grab my children tight and slow the world down to enjoy them longer.

So I guess you can't generalize.

pelargoniums · 15/01/2023 04:30

Around 4pm each day DD turns into a goblin and I do feel “2.5 hours til bath!” but once she’s in bed, I miss her!

I’ve never wished the years away. If anything I’d freeze time: I have a three week old too, who’ll be my last baby, and already the time is going too fast! Where did my sleepy 24-hour-old go?! He’s changing every day, I’ve got preemptive nostalgia for these gorgeous newborn days.

Whydoievenbother · 15/01/2023 04:57

polorider · 15/01/2023 03:07

Difficult, I think there is currently s bit of push back on here from the openess about all the tough bits of parenthood, especially motherhood in the past decade. People get fed up hearing how awful it is.

It really depends on you, your kids, do they sleep, do they have additional needs, do you have money, support etc. For a lot of women I think it is an all consuming thing for many years and you come out of that a different person, you have been institutionalised to motherhood, you've been reshaped by it. Is it a bad thing again it depends, its definitely a massive self sacrifice and many women struggle with what their life becomes. You do love your kids, they can bring flashes of joy but they can limit so much else in your life. That's a choice you have to make. You don't regret them as such but you do wonder if you might have had a better, more fulfilled life doing something else, you give up so much and that's so difficult.

Thank you for this. I wish people would be more honest, it would help alot if people were more open about it

TheaBrandt · 15/01/2023 05:08

Can’t relate to that mindset at all. Definitely don’t have children if that’s how you feel. It can be hard work but so is anything worth doing. I personally can’t think of how my life could have been “better or more fulfilled” without them. But I had gone as far as I wanted to in my career (far exceeding my own expectations for myself) and done lots of travelling before having them so certainly not hankering over paths not taken.

Plus we have been fortunate to have relatively easy kids and only two of them. Now they are teens they enjoy doing what we enjoy so frankly everything is a million times better for having them.

Blufelt · 15/01/2023 05:20

I didn’t cope very well with the first few years. I had PND, I breastfed for nearly 3 years, my body was a mess, I got barely any sleep, and part way through that period the pandemic hit so I was isolated at home doing childcare. I was thrilled when life moved on and my child turned 4 and finally got a nursery place. It was so exciting to have 2-3 hours a day to myself. And now I do the school run and have 6 hours to myself. I’m a better mother because I’ve had time to meet my own needs. I admit I did wish away those first 4 years because it was such a struggle and so isolating, but since then it’s been a joy.

PourOnTheHeat · 15/01/2023 05:21

I think there’s a lot of people who like the idea of having children but don’t really enjoy it in practice. Lots of, can’t wait til the kids are in bed, til they’re at school, til school holidays have finished, til we have a holiday without them, til they go to uni. I’ve never felt that way and think it must be miserable to be wishing time away. I think it impacts their relationship with their children too.

I was able to choose be a SAHM though which I wanted and have a really great partner so I always had someone to share any stresses with. I could just be in the moment. I think that made all the difference.

If I was constantly pushed for time, not ever getting enough sleep, feeling alone, I think it would be hard. I don’t think I’d have personally enjoyed it so much and may also have been wishing time away.

I think some people are under so much time and financial pressure that they just can’t relax and enjoy as much as they’d live to. Others would just never enjoy parenting.

goodmorningsunny · 15/01/2023 05:27

My daughter is 1 and it's been really hard, wrecked my mental health and probably hasn't been that easy on her, either.I've wished most of her first year away and I don't regret it, I'm much happier now. You don't have to enjoy things you don't enjoy. It doesn't change how you feel about your children, either. I'm never having another child either,because I just don't enjoy it.

SpentDandelion · 15/01/2023 05:30

You don't just draw the line at 18 though, plus most young people have no choice but to stay at home until older now. I have a 21 yr old, working full time, girlfriend of four years, plus an almost 18 yr old at home. My husband died young so l am grateful l got to see them grow up. I l Iive an interesting life but some parents go to pieces when kids move out, because nothing else to occupy them. I think if you try and make abit of time for yourself, to have hobbies etc, makes parenting more manageable. I know this is diffcult for lone parents, and whilst children are still very young.l also understand parenting can be a lot more challebring for some than others, due to circumstances etc.

Swissmountains · 15/01/2023 06:08

I really enjoyed almost every single stage of my children’s development. The patch when they caught illnesses over and over again wasn’t fun, but they are deeply bonding.

I have marvelled at the sheer miracle of it all more often than wished it would end.

Don’t have children unless you really want them though, the time, energy and investments is significant and long term spanning three decades at least.

itsabigtree · 15/01/2023 06:20

I don't feel that way at all. I do get excited for the next stages sometimes but more in the sense of anticipating what they will be like rather than thinking about my freedom. It's the most lovely fulfilling and lovely season of my life. But it's ok to not feel that way too. I do get excited for bedtime though.

Faultymain5 · 15/01/2023 06:28

I’ve never wanted children. I have 2😂. When things are hard you might think ‘it will be easier when’, but in reality you can’t get to the next stage without the one before. You wouldn’t miss any stage. I have had great support from my family, so it wasn’t too hard for the ‘having a life’ stuff. We’re together as a couple and support each other’s interests, some shared (fitness) some not (music tastes).

My children will say ‘she only had us to make her laugh’, cause they do. The jokes that have matured over the years, the really stupid stuff they do… (my favourite, heating something in the microwave to have it at break 3 hours later) but also having the opportunity to teach them things. Just yesterday I taught my DS how to find holiday insurance. First time away with friends, none of them knew about holiday insurance and he thought it would be the same as the cost of the flight.

the dance shows, gaming conventions, holidays, family dinners, the arguments, the stomping upstairs, the tearful (my tears) toilet training, the cluster feeding. I am so grateful to know and love them. Writing it out makes me realise even with their issues (and they have a few), man do I love my brats.

Faultymain5 · 15/01/2023 06:30

PS all that said, I’m looking forward to the day I can walk around naked in my house again😂

MrsDoyle351 · 15/01/2023 06:35

I like my kids.

They're family, whatever age they are - and always welcome in this house.

FourTeaFallOut · 15/01/2023 06:45

Oh God, it's only parents who are chastised like this. Parents say this to themselves when the going gets tough. It's the same as, 'This too shall pass'.

People take on adventures and challenges all the time knowing that it is exactly what they want to do and that they will cherish the experience but I expect many mountaineers will mutter the odd - can't wait till I get to the top of this section, or a keen eco builder throws their hands up in frustration and tells, 'Why the hell didn't I use bricks to build this house instead of tyres and mud?'

But the moment a parent expresses any moment of disagreement then people will use it as evidence that child rearing is a failed project. You know, you aren't forced to have kids - you can do anything you want in this life but the only way you will get through it without any moments of difficulty is to do absolutely nothing.

Simonjt · 15/01/2023 06:46

Lots of parents don’t feel this way, I don’t, despite being up since 4am with a baby who can’t sleep because she has a cold. As a parent who hasn’t been able to share every stage of development with their children, please don’t take it for granted, there are parents out there who would have done anything they could to be part of those missed stages.

MissMogwai · 15/01/2023 06:52

When I've heard or said "not long until they...", it's generally when a friend's having a bad time with a non-sleeper or a stroppy teenager for example.

It's similar to the phrase "this too shall pass" - it won't last forever.

There are lots of parts of parenting that can be difficult and draining, it's not all sunshine and rainbows but it's life and the good parts hopefully outweigh the bad!

My children are both young adults and one has already left home. But they still need you in lots of ways and you don't stop worrying about them. It never really ends!

MintJulia · 15/01/2023 06:55

Did they mention the fabulous bits?

The unconditional love
The fun
The wit, the humour
The sense of achievement when they finally cycle up the lane or realise they don't need to keep their foot on the bottom of the pool
The things you would never have learnt without them
The activities you would never have done without them
The sense of pride & achievement when you finally turn out a kind decent self sufficient human being

There are challenges of course, but everything has challenges unless you want to spend your life hiding under the duvet.

EsmeT · 15/01/2023 07:00

Yes there is a lot of hard moments but you cherish the good ones. My girl will still be my responsibility even when she's 18, until the day I die.

AnxiousPixie · 15/01/2023 07:05

I felt that way for 0-4, donkey work and flag it's behind me. I now have 5 and 8 and I am loving most days. There are always times I think about the future and think 'imagine when they are both getting the bus to school and I don't have to do school run' or imagining what holidays with DH will be like when it's back being the two of us. So I am really enjoying it at the moment but also really looking forward the changes of the future. Having my cake both ways I guess!!

Soapnotshowergel · 15/01/2023 07:12

I've been up since 5am after having been tag teamed by my two. My eldest wakes about 6am every morning, this is an improvement on her 4.30am start period. I think you would be a strange person who would think "I'm so blessed" about getting up at 5am every day for fucking years with no end in sight so yeah sometimes I think "god I can't wait till she's a teen and sleeps in till midday"

Parenting has bad moments as well as absolutely brilliant parts, parts that are so funny and gorgeous you can't believe you get to hang this amazing person, times when you think you might burst from how much you love them. One exhausted parent saying "I can't wait till..." is not representative of the experience.

Endlesssummer2022 · 15/01/2023 07:13

I genuinely think it depends on how much support you have. I’m betting those who say they have 2+kids and have loved every minute of every stage, don’t work full time with no family support.

If you help in the form of sleepovers at close friends and families homes or work part time and spend your Fridays having coffee with your BFF whilst your kids play together in another room, have some ‘me time’, space to think, a chance to have regular date night with the DH from time to time so your relationship is more than just working out who’s doing picking-up and drop-off next week, then of course you’re more likely to love every minute of your kids childhood.