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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a lot of parenting seems to be this

170 replies

Greengables4 · 14/01/2023 23:33

Wishing time away ' 'only a few years until....'
only a few years until they start school then you'll get your life back a little", "only a few years until the difficult teenage years stop" "only a few years until they're 18 and move out"
Myself and my brother are now adults so my parents are enjoying a sort of childfree life, but this took 33 years to reach.
It's one of the things that puts me off, there seem to be so many difficult stages and a lot of parenting seems to be just waiting until they're 18 and you can get your old life back

OP posts:
Lucylock · 15/01/2023 07:14

Parenting has ups and downs like anything else. But one thing is for sure is that anything you are finding difficult will be a phase, as children change so quickly (unless it's a long term issue such as SEN of course). I think that's why people use those terms about 'only another X years' to get through it.

I found 0-5 years hard with two close together. I didn't realise it at the time though. 6-10 years was lovely, but logistically difficult due to needing childcare. My two are now late teens and are great, it's been my favourite stage. No childcare, and life pretty much back to pre child life. DH and I are even going away this year for the weekend without organising childcare for the first time.

The good times far outway any tricky moments and I have no regrets.

Penguinsaregreat · 15/01/2023 07:15

Typed out a long reply and lost it. Basically yes I found some stages hard but loved most of it. It’s hard work so don’t do it unless you are prepared to put the effort in. I’m incredibly close to my dcs, all young adults now. I can pat myself on the back because even though young, all of them have had the confidence to fly the nest. All of them are doing well and enjoying life. You have to have boundaries. Go for the easy life and you will suffer the consequences when your dcs take the WRONG path is my view.
My dcs bring nothing but joy to me. So proud of the young adults they have become.

Sparklingbrook · 15/01/2023 07:16

and a lot of parenting seems to be just waiting until they're 18 and you can get your old life back

I have DC in their early twenties. You absolutely do not get your old life back when they’re 18. That’s when they go off to University and everything changes again. But not back to pre children times!

Skethylita · 15/01/2023 07:17

No. Occasionally I need a bit of peace and quiet, but I love spending time with my kids. They are like chalk and cheese, but both are funny, loving and intelligent and I can't believe that my eldest only has a two years left before they are an adult in every sense of the word. It didn't always feel like it, but time really has flown by.

Endlesssummer2022 · 15/01/2023 07:25

Saying what I said about, I admit, I have good days and bad days, I love my kids and would never do without them. When we are all on form it’s the best but it’s often not like that and I do look forward to a time when I have less responsibility.

Yesterday I spent the day ferrying children to swimming, play dates, had two loads of washing, drying, folding, cleaning, another kid sleeping over, constantly picking up crap off the floor (and yes DH was doing his bit, cleaning out old stuff and giving them to charity shop, ferrying to football, cooking) .

I went gym then managed to stay awake for about half of that new Colin Farrell movie before I had to go to bed. This was a Saturday, the day I used to live for being a big raver, so yes I look forward to the day when I can wake up late, go out for a nice breakfast with DH, mooch about or go gym in the afternoon then go out with my friends in the evening. I suspect both kids would need to be at least 12/13 before we can do this. I love my kids but I’m not ashamed to admit this.

Getinajollymood · 15/01/2023 07:30

Yes (and no.)

I think that there are some things you wish away. I was up at 630 watching CBeebies with my two year old. I’m not feeling well and I would consider a deal with the devil if just today I could have a day off. Stay in bed, read my book, catch up on some sleep. But obviously parenting doesn’t work like that.

I don’t want my old life back. But it’s like a country I’d like to visit occasionally.

SallyWD · 15/01/2023 07:41

I wished away the baby years because they were exhausting and relentless but since they were toddlers I've enjoyed it. Yes I looked forward to them starting school but I wasn't wishing away the years. Now they're older (10 and 12) I miss when they were younger.

louise5754 · 15/01/2023 07:45

Both my dds will be in secondary this year. I could cry.

Dreading them leaving home too.

Hotcuppatea · 15/01/2023 07:49

My teens are brilliant. They're funny, clever, and great company. The baby/toddler stages were so tough, but it's just got better and better with every year. I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

IScreamAtMichaelangelos · 15/01/2023 07:49

I spent most of the early days wishing it all away! I remember telling myself when DS1 was 1 that in 17 years he'd go to uni and then I'd miss him 😂

They are 10 and 11 now, so occasional nostalgia has crept in. I am loving the increased freedom though, I have to say (we had neither family or money for childcare to cover dates, so no time as a couple for 10 years really).

I'm surprised at all these replies tbh, I thought my feelings were normal (based on all the mums I've ever spoken to IRL)!

DorotheaHomeAlone · 15/01/2023 07:51

Like others, I’ve wished away that last hour before bedtime, a week where everyone has vomiting bugs or even a sleepless couple of months with two under two. But overall I feel the reverse much more frequency. I love seeing my three grow up but I miss the littler versions of them and would pause them all now (3, 6 and 8) if I could. I’m in no hurry for them to grow up and move out.

Lkydfju · 15/01/2023 07:52

I think that’s just what you tell yourself in the bad moments but within a day there are bits you wish you could freeze, bits you wish you could fast forward and then just normal life. If you’re waiting to get your life back then you’ve missed the point; your old life has gone and you need to find a way to have what makes you the person you are part of life now

watchfulwishes · 15/01/2023 07:55

I don't feel this way at all. I sometimes find a behaviour annoying for a short period, but have never wished the whole time/stage would pass. It has gone very quickly, although I have been mindful to pay attention and enjoy it.

MRex · 15/01/2023 07:56

I've never once felt like that. I try to cherish every moment, because the years pass and won't come again. I have no interest in my "old life" the one I have now is fine. I can go out some nights, and that's enough for me, while I actually enjoy being with DS and doing family activities. Perhaps people who had their children too young, when they still wanted a party lifestyle, might struggle more.

gemloving · 15/01/2023 07:58

I have a 1 & 3 year old and don't feel like this. I love them so much and despite it being challenging at times, those little people have taught me more whilst with me about myself, about being grateful, about judgement, about being more understanding than anyone could have ever taught me. Similar to how you feel.

Being a parent isn't meant to be easy but we've got to enjoy the ride and learn. I have my third on the way knowing it won't be easy but I'm not making the choice for it to be easy for to wish time away x

GrinAndVomit · 15/01/2023 07:59

Isn’t that just life though?
Looking forward to things?

Finishing work for the day. The weekend. Getting the tidying up done. Having a relaxing bath. A glass of wine with dinner. A nice meal out. A holiday.

Hiddenvoice · 15/01/2023 08:01

Not every parent feels this way. I adore my child and can’t believe how quickly she’s growing up. Instead of wanting time to hurry up, I’d love for it to pause to let me enjoy it more. Saying that, there are days in which I can’t wait for my dh to come home from work and help me. Days that are tough and stressful thag all parents face. These are the days you say you can’t wait for a full nights sleep again or more of your own time again. It’s not us wishing our life or children’s life away. It’s us having a really rough time and needing a break.

BabyFour2023 · 15/01/2023 08:04

YABU. I’ve never felt this way. I had 2 under 2 for 6 months and a 4yo and still wished I could stop time to soak them up. Pregnant with my 4th at the moment. Being a parent is amazing to me. Wish they wouldn’t grow up so fast.

Pottedpalm · 15/01/2023 08:06

I don’t feel I got my ‘old’ life back. I have a pleasant life where I can pretty much do what I want but my darling DTs are constantly in my thoughts. The best part of the day is a message, photo or phone call and knowing they are happy fills me with joy. I worry about them ( usually unnecessarily I’m glad to say). They are mid 30s now 🙂

Hopingforno2in2023 · 15/01/2023 08:07

I wished the first year away but after that I would give so much to have time go more slowly. Childhood goes way too fast and I am dreading empty nest, have no desire for a child free life.

Squamata · 15/01/2023 08:08

It's normal to wish you didn't have to deal with sleep deprivation, tantrums, teenage rage. But I don't really wish the time away.

I remind myself there's no guarantee any of us will be alive forever tbh, I try not to take it all for granted. If one of us was diagnosed with a terminal illness tomorrow, the current tantrummy messy chaos is what I'd long for.

I do daydream about lie ins, holidays, spontaneous sex though!

Part of the problem is that we raise kids in nuclear families so it's very intense, if we lived in extended families/communities then there would always be kids at different stages, it wouldn't be a case of the years with kids versus the years without. There would always be cousins/nieces and nephews/grandchildren etc around. And you'd also get a break from your own kids a bit.

Highonpower · 15/01/2023 08:10

The other extreme is the parents who seem to actively resist allowing their kids to grow up. Dreading every stage to come - mourning the loss of childhood as their kids (hopefully) become more independent. Even at Uni a lot of parents don't seem to be able to back off and employ stealth methods of control from afar - or refuse to allow their kids to study away from home.

SmileWithADimple · 15/01/2023 08:10

I agree that the first few years can feel a bit like this! Can't wait for them to sleep through, get them out of nappies, stop wanting to be carried all the time.

However since my youngest turned 3yo it's been great. I'm even enjoying the teenage years!

BellePeppa · 15/01/2023 08:10

I admit I felt like this but I was a single mother and found it really hard at times as I was doing it all. Once they got to their teens it was a whole lot easier and I stopped wishing the time away. I never had to deal with bad behaviour in their teens, maybe having boys they were sympathetic to me being the lone parent (not sure, but I didn’t have the slamming doors or tantrums etc).

Mummadeze · 15/01/2023 08:11

My DD was a total dream until 13 when her hormones kicked in. I can’t wait until those have settled, more for her sake than mine as she is so unhappy and really suffering. Hoping that will just be two years or so that I am wishing away. Having a child is by far the best thing I have done in my life though, and I have done a lot.