To think DH totally over-reacted

[niceduvet]

Late morning today I went shopping in town and I realised on the drive down that I'd forgotten my phone (my fault I know). I told my daughter who came with me to let DH know that I would hope to be back home about 4ish (very approximately) as she had planned to go back home from town before me. I got rather delayed in one shop trying on multiple pairs of much needed new jeans (as I mine had bust in embarrassing places).

I finally got home at 5.45pm and found DH on the phone to the police in the process of reporting me missing, having already rung round most of of my work colleagues to ask if they'd seen me (I sometimes pop into work on a Saturday to pick up things to enable me to work from home sometimes). He'd got himself rather panicy because obvs he couldn't contact me as I'd left my phone at home. He was rather angry when I came through the door.

AIBU to feel his reaction was a bit OTT? He knows when I give him timescales they are approximate especially when I'm shopping. I know I was much later than I said and it's lovely that he cares but the police and all my colleagues - really?? He is prone to being a bit of a drama queen sometimes. I now feel rather embarrassed that I will have to explain to my colleagues when I next see them what happened. He feels he is entirely justified in his actions and would do the same again, despite me questioning whether he felt he was a bit rash!

This is totally untrue in the U.K. every missing person report is dealt with on its on merit. They absolutely would respond but depending on the circumstances, it would have a bearing on the speed and size of the response. Please do t ever think you have to wait 24hrs to report a loved one missing.

To op, possibly an overreaction but totally depends on what happens normally. Is it completely unusual for you to be nearly two hours late? If my DP didn't turn up I wouldn't be surprised because he's a nightmare for lateness.

OP do you have proof he was really on the phone to the police when you came home, I do doubt it. If he knows your colleagues, they have probably made their mind up about him already. In the meantime I’d tell him he was over reacting and he’s the one needing some therapy as he was “having an episode”. I say this tongue in cheek to call him at his own game and am in no way detracting from other posters who have genuine anxiety over this type of scenario

He’s done this to ‘teach you a lesson so that you won’t be late again. This is no way to live.

Well then that sounds like a tantrumy over reaction. Having to get his own meal!! What is the world coming to?
I get anxious if one of the DDs is late for a visit but DP was killed in an RTA and my imagination tends to go back to that day and the awful aftermath. But I’ve never called the police, most I’d do is call DD to ask how far away there are, maybe 2 or 3 times in 11 years.

I agree. It's 100% manipulation & control.

I'd be willing to be that if you sat quietly and thought about it, there are a lot more 'silent rules' that you obey without even knowing it. Really, think about it. And think about the amount of time you spend walking on eggshells or directing your DC to do or don't do certain things to avoid him pitching a hissy.

The mandatory 6.30 dinner is one of them. There's nothing wrong with having a 'dinnertime is X o'clock' to keep a family somewhat organized, but for most families it's also flexible. The 'cook' may say 'dinner will be late tonight' or 'We're having dinner half hour earlier tonight' for various reasons and family members adapt. They have a snack or say 'put my plate in the fridge, please'. They don't freak out or start acting like assholes using the excuse of 'hangry'!

This isn't any way to live. You're a grown woman, you don't need 'rules'.

I'm not sure what's actually happened here. Did your daughter tell him about yourvphone and that you were in town? Sounds like she probably didn't else why would he try ringing you. I'd guess also ghat your daughter wasn't answering her phone either and obs your friends who did answer had no idea.

On the face of it it seems an over reaction hut he probably thought the 2 of you were together somewhere and was concerned that he couldn't get hold of you both and no one knew where you both were. It does seem a bit OTT to ring the Police (interested to know they reaction) but he may have been thinking about drive by shootings, car crash etc. Ringing around- reasonable, finding the Police so soon,- OTT

Can you link to this because I remember that thread and I'm sure there were a lot of replies saying she was being ridiculous

Massive overreaction and your dh is an absolute twat but this is just one of the red flags for abuse that you seem to be subjected to.

A COMPLETELY different situation.🙄

In THAT thread, the OP's office called her husband as she was late for a meeting and weather and driving conditions were very poor.

Her office called her husband out of concern that she hadn't arrived.

She didn't realise that her husband HAD been contacted by her colleagues until much later in the day, and THEN realised he hadn't bother to check if she was safe or even mention it to her.

Two totally different situations to what this OP has written🙄

That was a completely different and indeed opposite scenario.

This woman is being subject to abuse and is already doubting herself. Up until now we had a consistent thread supporting each other to make her see she is being abused. Please do not disrupt that.

Why are you filling in your knowledge gaps with guesses that rationalise the panicking DH?

OP confirmed in a later post that her daughter spoke to him when she returned from shopping, so he knew where both daughter and OP were that afternoon.

He didn't call her friends, he called her work colleagues. And the police. And made out she was having an "episode" i.e. needed to be tracked down for mental health reasons.

OP said she'd be back "around 4pm". She got in less than two hours after 4. He had already made a number of calls by then, so he must have started calling even earlier than 5.45pm.

When OP stated she was unhappy with him calling the police and colleagues about a grown woman staying out too long shopping, he said he will do it again in future.

It sounds absolutely stifling imo. He's not caring, he's controlling.

OP please have an long hard think about the kind of life you have, and how that compares to the kind of life you want.

She wasnt unresponsive.

I'm not projecting anything.

Thankfully the rest of the thread is in unison and you will be seen for what you are.

Calling her work and the police because she was a little later than she said she’d probably be and declaring he’d do so again, despite her objection, is abusive.

its clear attempts at controlling her.

He was trying to make you feel bad by involving other people.
He wants you to feel bad, sorry embarrassed and that you will never do that again.

I think that in this situation, if I didn't want to just end it( but I would), I would tell him that I was no longer giving ETAs, or agreeing to cook, and that my phone would be switched off, when I was out. I would also tell him that I had warned my colleagues that my husband was abusive and controlling. And I would tell them that.

I agree.

Start talking to family and friends openly.

Him telling colleagues and the police that you might be having "an episode" is positively chilling.

I don't think you can over estimate just how un hinged and controlling that sounds.

It sounds like a potential set up, ground laying.

The daughter did tell him, hence the story about her "kicking off" in the shop.

He wasn't thinking anything other than the fact she wasnt home for her curfew and how best to make sure she doesnt do it again. Simple.

I think this might actually be a very interesting experiment, assuming that the 'object' didn't pose a physical danger to the 'experimenter'. It would be quite interesting to see exactly what his reaction would be.

But I wouldn't do it unless I had a packed bag sitting by the door. Chances are he'd react very badly at the loss of control over OP's 'Declaration of Independence'.

I met a friend yesterday to look at some upholstery material she was thinking of and told DH I'd be gone maybe an hour-ish. We got involved in 'decór ideas' (as you do) and ended up 'window shopping' different stores, and I was gone closer to 3 hours. He didn't call to see what we were up to, let alone phone the police or my friends (I'm retired so no coworkers). He just assumed we'd gotten 'sidetracked' and were having a good time and that I'd have let him know if there was a 'problem'. Or the police would, lol. I asked him him at what point he'd 'panic' and he'd never really thought about it, but certainly not if I was only a few hours 'late'.

OP is an adult. She is capable of making her own decisions and handling any emergencies that arise. Her H is taking her autonomy away from her.

Something's just struck me about him calling your work colleagues - would it be normal for you to go into work/be in contact with them on a Saturday? Because if not, why on earth did he call them - other than to humiliate/control/set up a scenario where you're having 'episodes' up and down the town.