Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH totally over-reacted

145 replies

niceduvet · 14/01/2023 20:05

Late morning today I went shopping in town and I realised on the drive down that I'd forgotten my phone (my fault I know). I told my daughter who came with me to let DH know that I would hope to be back home about 4ish (very approximately) as she had planned to go back home from town before me. I got rather delayed in one shop trying on multiple pairs of much needed new jeans (as I mine had bust in embarrassing places).

I finally got home at 5.45pm and found DH on the phone to the police in the process of reporting me missing, having already rung round most of of my work colleagues to ask if they'd seen me (I sometimes pop into work on a Saturday to pick up things to enable me to work from home sometimes). He'd got himself rather panicy because obvs he couldn't contact me as I'd left my phone at home. He was rather angry when I came through the door.

AIBU to feel his reaction was a bit OTT? He knows when I give him timescales they are approximate especially when I'm shopping. I know I was much later than I said and it's lovely that he cares but the police and all my colleagues - really?? He is prone to being a bit of a drama queen sometimes. I now feel rather embarrassed that I will have to explain to my colleagues when I next see them what happened. He feels he is entirely justified in his actions and would do the same again, despite me questioning whether he felt he was a bit rash!

OP posts:
findmybalance · 14/01/2023 21:02

niceduvet · 14/01/2023 20:55

Yes, hypervigilant is as a great word to describe how he is generally. He is now upset that I am annoyed that he contacted the police and my colleagues because: "You should be pleased that I care about your safety".

Hypervigilan is not. It's a pathetic excuse for an abuser.

Ah yes, textbook.

Similar to when he locks you in the house and doesnt let you out with your friends for your own good.

findmybalance · 14/01/2023 21:03

niceduvet · 14/01/2023 21:01

I can (sort of) get the being narked about the time I came in but not calling the police or my colleagues.

Stop questioning your own behaviour and doubting yourself and tell us about other times he has behaved like this.

Original poster
niceduvet · 14/01/2023 21:13

There are lots. I feel I don't have a voice in this relationship. He is always right and I feel he is more of a frenemy than a loving spouse. He has issues with empathy. This morning I pointed out that his sense of humour - which is often at someone else's expense - isn't particularly kind. He seemed disgruntled that I pointed this out. Maybe his actions tonight were in someway a passive aggressive retaliation for that. I don't know. I'm confused.

OP posts:
dapsnotplimsolls · 14/01/2023 21:15

I feel a boiling frog analogy coming on ...

findmybalance · 14/01/2023 21:17

niceduvet · 14/01/2023 21:13

There are lots. I feel I don't have a voice in this relationship. He is always right and I feel he is more of a frenemy than a loving spouse. He has issues with empathy. This morning I pointed out that his sense of humour - which is often at someone else's expense - isn't particularly kind. He seemed disgruntled that I pointed this out. Maybe his actions tonight were in someway a passive aggressive retaliation for that. I don't know. I'm confused.

He was punishing you.

He will eventually hit you and then gaslight you.

Take your child and go.

XanaduKira · 14/01/2023 21:20

Agree @dapsnotplimsolls definitely the boiling frog analogy is apt. Hope you're wrong @findmybalance but sadly I also think you're right.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 21:20

OP how old is your DD?

I ask because I’m a bit concerned that she told your DH about your (non problem) behaviour. I’m wondering if he’s asking/proving her what you’re like when he’s not around and using her a weapon against you

Original poster
niceduvet · 14/01/2023 21:20

Yup I can see one too as I'm reading through this thread. I just tried to speak to him (he's gone to bed) and he was asleep so couldn't answer. DS just went in after me to speak to him and he's suddenly now awake and speaking. Funny that.

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 14/01/2023 21:22

I've already said I did a quick AS. This is a man who will shout for you to lift a toilet roll off the lid as he stands and watches so he can go to the toilet. He refuses to give your fish a pinch of flakes because it's not his job. He will not cook or eat if it's not his turn to cook. He demands that you immediately respond to his messages and has now harassed your colleagues and wasted police time implying you had a mental health incident because you didn't arrive back in prison and were not immediately contactable for a change.

This is not healthy. It's abusive because it punishes you with humiliation and threats if you do not obey his rules. It's designed to embarrass and coerce you into being constantly under monitoring, not going out, not doing anything that hasn't been cleared with him in advance.

Can you imagine what it would be like without your jailer? The peace of being able to leave your phone switched off and only look at it an hour, a week or a month later if you felt like it? Where if you felt like it, you could make a booking and disappear off on holiday without notice? Or decide to go out with people after work and get home exactly when you felt like it, maybe an hour, maybe a day later?

Can you imagine that level of freedom?

Bluetrews25 · 14/01/2023 21:23

Ohhhhh
The more you post, the more red flags for abuse are springing up all around.
Please take note of them OP
This is no way to live.

GerronBuzanDoThaWomwok · 14/01/2023 21:23

It sounds like he has also done a number on your daughter, if she felt the need to explain your "behaviour" to him. How old is she, and does she generally feel the need/duty to report you to him?
He's a cunt.

Original poster
niceduvet · 14/01/2023 21:24

DD is a mid teen.

OP posts:
Piffle11 · 14/01/2023 21:24

Blimey, red flags galore here, OP.

He doesn't sound overly anxious to me, he sounds controlling.

I think calling the police and your colleagues was an attempt to embarrass you into behaving the way he expects: ' I'd better not be late again: DH will call the police and my friends ... I'll be so embarrassed.'

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 21:25

Piffle11 · 14/01/2023 21:24

Blimey, red flags galore here, OP.

He doesn't sound overly anxious to me, he sounds controlling.

I think calling the police and your colleagues was an attempt to embarrass you into behaving the way he expects: ' I'd better not be late again: DH will call the police and my friends ... I'll be so embarrassed.'

This!!

And you seem to have a family dynamic whereby your DD reports on you to your jailor DH.

NerrSnerr · 14/01/2023 21:26

niceduvet · 14/01/2023 21:01

I can (sort of) get the being narked about the time I came in but not calling the police or my colleagues.

Why should he be narked that shopping took a bit longer than you expected?

JoggersOn · 14/01/2023 21:26

This isn’t actually the case - police will record a missing report at any point. Someone is missing if their whereabouts cannot be established.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 21:27

JoggersOn · 14/01/2023 21:26

This isn’t actually the case - police will record a missing report at any point. Someone is missing if their whereabouts cannot be established.

Except OP’s whereabouts WERE established. She was out shopping on a Saturday afternoon.

Furrydogmum · 14/01/2023 21:30

Your "DH" sounds awful. I have two colleagues who let their husbands know within seconds when they get to work, and their husbands let them know when they do, cue drama if they forget.. I find it bizarre and controlling.. Without wanting to sound cold, if one of us had an accident on our way to work, or wherever, the police would track us down!

TimeSlipMushroom · 14/01/2023 21:31

StaceySolomonSwash · 14/01/2023 20:22

The police wouldn't entertain a missing adult person report before 24 hours usually (barring mental illness, vulnerable person etc etc) but he was definitely over reacting. You weren't even 2 hours late! 😳

This is a common misconception. Info below is from uk police website mussing persons section:

"It is a common belief that you have to wait 24 hours before reporting but this is not true, you can make a report to the police as soon as you think a person is missing.

If you are extremely concerned for the welfare of the person then dial 999 and ask for the police".

Obviously I agree that OPs DH overreacted in this case but this information may be useful to others in the future

GerronBuzanDoThaWomwok · 14/01/2023 21:33

OP, no, normal husbands don't get narked because you don't arrive at the regime time, they don't call the police to punish and humiliate you in front of your children and work colleagues and they don't go to bed to sulk/rage etc.
Can you use this as a golden opportunity to disclose to work that you are being abused? Then there will be a record (as well as his insane call to the police) of his coercive behaviour? You could also contact your children's school (s) to ask them to keep an eye on the children, and explain that things are difficult due to your husband's behaviour and gaslighting of you. But only do the latter if you are prepared and ready to accept help and start to make disclosures with a view to escaping. Thinking of you.Flowers

Tamarindtree · 14/01/2023 21:34

Does he not understand how clothes shopping works?

Completely over the top reaction to worry during shop opening hours.

Fuckstix · 14/01/2023 21:35

He sounds a very controlling man OP. He pretended to be asleep to avoid conversation about today's behaviour, he avoided discussion about his behaviour re sense of humour. He involved your colleagues trying to humiliate you. The 'hangry' point is risible. He could have easily started tea or made a sandwich. I am fairly confident there will be more examples of this.

ImBlueDab · 14/01/2023 21:36

Massive over reaction

Aphrathestorm · 14/01/2023 21:37

I feel sick with fear for you in this relationship.

This is like the things you find out about a man after he's murdered his DW.

findmybalance · 14/01/2023 21:37

NeverDropYourMooncup · 14/01/2023 21:22

I've already said I did a quick AS. This is a man who will shout for you to lift a toilet roll off the lid as he stands and watches so he can go to the toilet. He refuses to give your fish a pinch of flakes because it's not his job. He will not cook or eat if it's not his turn to cook. He demands that you immediately respond to his messages and has now harassed your colleagues and wasted police time implying you had a mental health incident because you didn't arrive back in prison and were not immediately contactable for a change.

This is not healthy. It's abusive because it punishes you with humiliation and threats if you do not obey his rules. It's designed to embarrass and coerce you into being constantly under monitoring, not going out, not doing anything that hasn't been cleared with him in advance.

Can you imagine what it would be like without your jailer? The peace of being able to leave your phone switched off and only look at it an hour, a week or a month later if you felt like it? Where if you felt like it, you could make a booking and disappear off on holiday without notice? Or decide to go out with people after work and get home exactly when you felt like it, maybe an hour, maybe a day later?

Can you imagine that level of freedom?

It would be helpful if this was in the OP rather than focus on one incident.