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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH totally over-reacted

145 replies

niceduvet · 14/01/2023 20:05

Late morning today I went shopping in town and I realised on the drive down that I'd forgotten my phone (my fault I know). I told my daughter who came with me to let DH know that I would hope to be back home about 4ish (very approximately) as she had planned to go back home from town before me. I got rather delayed in one shop trying on multiple pairs of much needed new jeans (as I mine had bust in embarrassing places).

I finally got home at 5.45pm and found DH on the phone to the police in the process of reporting me missing, having already rung round most of of my work colleagues to ask if they'd seen me (I sometimes pop into work on a Saturday to pick up things to enable me to work from home sometimes). He'd got himself rather panicy because obvs he couldn't contact me as I'd left my phone at home. He was rather angry when I came through the door.

AIBU to feel his reaction was a bit OTT? He knows when I give him timescales they are approximate especially when I'm shopping. I know I was much later than I said and it's lovely that he cares but the police and all my colleagues - really?? He is prone to being a bit of a drama queen sometimes. I now feel rather embarrassed that I will have to explain to my colleagues when I next see them what happened. He feels he is entirely justified in his actions and would do the same again, despite me questioning whether he felt he was a bit rash!

OP posts:
Suzi89 · 14/01/2023 22:31

He really shouldn’t be wasting police time like that and should get help for his anxiety

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 14/01/2023 22:37

i haven't read the full thread but it's a saturday, you've gone shopping, you are an adult, and it's only 5.45. i would be embarrassed to be with another adult who called the police and my friends if i was not home 'on time'. you are not a child, you are not his property to look after, you don't need looking after. What on earth is going on? For you, and for him, that he feels it's ok to do that? It sounds worrying. YOu mention he gets 'hangry' and needs his tea on table at 6.30pm. Do you have some kind of 1950's life with him, or are you both independent grown adults?

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 14/01/2023 22:38

And yes to being worried that he thinks police can be called for seomthing like this. I'd be furious, as well as embarrassed.

Shoxfordian · 14/01/2023 22:38

It sounds like a very controlling abusive relationship: are you sure you want to stay in it?

AnyFucker · 14/01/2023 22:41

Tell him, your colleagues will now be wondering and gossiping that you're in an abusive relationship

and they would be correct

Saxiee · 14/01/2023 22:49

I don't think having dinner at a certain time is weird, I think that's quite normal to have a set dinner time, at least it was when I was growing up, but he can't get angry just because you're not there to cook it. That being said, if dinner is at 6.30 and it's my DHs turn to cook, I would be a bit annoyed that they weren't there to cook it. I suppose it depends if it's a one-off or if dinner is regularly late when is your turn, which it doesn't sound like it is.

It can be annoying when someone doesn't have their phone and are not home when you expect, because you can't just send a text saying "how much longer do you think you will be? Shoukld I cook dinner instead?" Or "you ok?".

I don't think your daughter telling him about your behaviour was weird either. Like you said, it was out of character for you. "How was shopping?" "Yeah it was good, mum got quite pissed off with this store assistant though blah blah" sounds normal to me, other people's behaviour surely gets discussed naturally in convos.

If this were a normal relationship in all other aspects, I'd say this was just an overreaction. However, with everything else, sounds like he's being a controlling abuser.

Original poster
niceduvet · 14/01/2023 22:54

Shit, I know this relationship is no good for me. I'm only worth something to him when I'm useful to him in some way. I can't believe he called the police and my colleagues- - how humiliating - like I'd gone AWOL or something. He knew I didn't have my phone.

OP posts:
amonsteronthehill · 14/01/2023 22:55

Can only imagine what your children are learning from his behaviour.

I'd be quietly making plans to get out of there.

Crikeyisthatthetime · 14/01/2023 23:01

But Saxiee, she WAS there to cook it. She
got in at 5.45.
OP, you know most people don't have to justify getting in at 5.45 after an afternoon shopping don't you? You needed jeans as it goes, but it shouldn't matter if you didn't. You were out shopping. You are constantly looking for excuses for his behaviour, and trying to explain yourself. There is nothing to explain, but he has really done a number on you. And it sounds like he's starting to twist your DC round to thinking of you in the same way. Don't let this happen. Leave the bastard.

Greyarea12 · 14/01/2023 23:10

I do wonder if this is him controlling, coercing & manipulating. You speak of humiliation. You are 2 hours 'late'.. he's unhappy with that. So he decides to take control and through coercion, manipulation & humiliation (contacting the police & your colleagues) you will be sure to fall into line and never make that 'mistake' again. Only you will know if this rings true. If so, my advice would be to start making a plan to leave & don't live your life like that.

Saxiee · 14/01/2023 23:13

But Saxiee, she WAS there to cook it. She
got in at 5.45.
OP, you know most

Yes, but he had no idea of knowing if she would be there to make it or not. That would annoy me a bit but as a one-off it's fine.

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 14/01/2023 23:15

And remember, you aren't humiliated! He's shown himself up, not you!
If a colleague says anything, laugh and say "I know! Lord knows what he was thinking! Poor baby couldn't work the cooker all by himself so turned into an arsehole (or acceptable workplace word). I swear he thinks I have nothing better to do than run round after him!" Then roll your eyes and go about your day.
He's the idiot in the scenario !

dapsnotplimsolls · 14/01/2023 23:19

I hope he didn't tell your colleagues you might have had an 'episode'.

Dullardmullard · 14/01/2023 23:22

Saxiee · 14/01/2023 23:13

But Saxiee, she WAS there to cook it. She
got in at 5.45.
OP, you know most

Yes, but he had no idea of knowing if she would be there to make it or not. That would annoy me a bit but as a one-off it's fine.

He isn’t handless and can make his own food ffs not wait on his wife to do it for him it isn’t the 40s

aloris · 14/01/2023 23:23

"Museya15 · Today 22:04
My dad would do this, he has major anxiety issues due to his brother going missing and not being found many years ago."

That's a significant trauma that might explain a behavior like this, but it's surely quite rare. The vast majority of people who do this kind of controlling behavior probably do not have an experience like you describe in their background. It also doesn't explain him trying to present her as "having an episode," when she has no history of erratic behavior.

GracieLouFreeebush · 14/01/2023 23:24

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Original poster
niceduvet · 14/01/2023 23:24

I think the fact that he can't see that contacting the police and my colleagues was in any way over-reacting is what concerns me. In fact he says he'd do the same thing again and can't seem to understand my issue with this. Saying he'd do the same thing again after I have an issue with/am upset by his behaviour is not new.

OP posts:
Kissedbyfire1 · 14/01/2023 23:29

niceduvet · 14/01/2023 22:54

Shit, I know this relationship is no good for me. I'm only worth something to him when I'm useful to him in some way. I can't believe he called the police and my colleagues- - how humiliating - like I'd gone AWOL or something. He knew I didn't have my phone.

That’s the point though- as far as he was concerned you were AWOL. AWOL means absent without leave and to him that is exactly the situation. What he wanted was for you to be picked up by the police and brought home.
On the point of him contacting your colleagues, as pp have said how does he have their contact information? If he has it because he has asked you to give it to him, that is extremely concerning.

OoooohMatron · 14/01/2023 23:35

He was hangry! Bloody hell man have a slice of toast, don't call the police.

Original poster
niceduvet · 14/01/2023 23:36

He has their numbers because he's known them a long time too and also deals with them in a work capacity (he works for a different org).

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 14/01/2023 23:41

niceduvet · 14/01/2023 23:24

I think the fact that he can't see that contacting the police and my colleagues was in any way over-reacting is what concerns me. In fact he says he'd do the same thing again and can't seem to understand my issue with this. Saying he'd do the same thing again after I have an issue with/am upset by his behaviour is not new.

Which is specifically designed to make you watch your time all the time.

He can't say "You need to be back here at X time because I say so" because his controlling behaviour will be too obvious.

Instead he's going to attempt to make you so nervous about being embarrassed in front of your colleagues that he gets his way...

Abuse isn't just loud voices and physical violence. Bullying, isolating, controlling and coercive behaviours are all part of it.

BabyOnBoard90 · 14/01/2023 23:43

Just a couple of days ago a lady made an AIBU because her DH didn't panic or emergency services when she was late to work and posters supported her.

Forum is consistent if anything

NeverDropYourMooncup · 14/01/2023 23:43

niceduvet · 14/01/2023 23:24

I think the fact that he can't see that contacting the police and my colleagues was in any way over-reacting is what concerns me. In fact he says he'd do the same thing again and can't seem to understand my issue with this. Saying he'd do the same thing again after I have an issue with/am upset by his behaviour is not new.

So he's warning you of the consequences if you dare to disobey him again? And is prepared to breach rules regarding use of professional contacts in order to engage them/make them complicit in his domestic abuse? (it's deeply unprofessional for him to have done this - and also threatening to you that you have no place away from his monitoring).

I think you need a serious chat with your manager at work on Monday about this. They have a duty of care to you and he's just tried to use them to exact further coercive control, just as he has your DD.

UWhatNow · 14/01/2023 23:47

He can't take any feedback or constructive criticism at all without becoming confrontational.

Of course he won’t. He’s a complete wanker. Why even bother?

The feedback I tend to give is "when you do/say X it makes me feel Y. Please stop doing/saying X". He will always come back with why me even suggesting this is unreasonable, it's just his character, the sense of humour he grew up with, the way his brain is wired etc.

Yeah… he’ll do this all day because you’ll fall for it. He’s the toddler and you’re the sad mummy trying to negotiate with a two year old.

You need to call bullshit and just divorce him. He’s just a worthless prick who enjoys treating you like shit.

TaRaDeBumDeAy · 14/01/2023 23:47

findmybalance · 14/01/2023 20:42

OP- please listen to this.

You have a curfew. If you do something against the grain he claims you have mental health issues. He has embarrassed you to your colleagues and the police.

You ans your child are in an abusive relationship. How many other examples has there been like this?

Show quote history

He'll be putting her in an institution for having hysteria next.