To think DH totally over-reacted

[niceduvet]

Late morning today I went shopping in town and I realised on the drive down that I'd forgotten my phone (my fault I know). I told my daughter who came with me to let DH know that I would hope to be back home about 4ish (very approximately) as she had planned to go back home from town before me. I got rather delayed in one shop trying on multiple pairs of much needed new jeans (as I mine had bust in embarrassing places).

I finally got home at 5.45pm and found DH on the phone to the police in the process of reporting me missing, having already rung round most of of my work colleagues to ask if they'd seen me (I sometimes pop into work on a Saturday to pick up things to enable me to work from home sometimes). He'd got himself rather panicy because obvs he couldn't contact me as I'd left my phone at home. He was rather angry when I came through the door.

AIBU to feel his reaction was a bit OTT? He knows when I give him timescales they are approximate especially when I'm shopping. I know I was much later than I said and it's lovely that he cares but the police and all my colleagues - really?? He is prone to being a bit of a drama queen sometimes. I now feel rather embarrassed that I will have to explain to my colleagues when I next see them what happened. He feels he is entirely justified in his actions and would do the same again, despite me questioning whether he felt he was a bit rash!

Daughter went home earlier than OP

Correct

If you’re right, he’s showing that you can’t be unaccounted for for two hours because he’ll involve the police and lots of people you know. Good way to be controlling under the guise of ‘caring’. He’s being absolutely ridiculous. What an absolute waste of police resources. You aren’t a six year old.

He seems to have conditioned you to accept really bizarre and controlling behaviour, but every now and again he crosses the line, but actually he’s been way over the line for years.If you go shopping, you get home when you find what you want, or give up. What would have happened if you met a friend and went for a drink? because that would also have been totally normal. This is no way to live.

When you do eventually leave Cos one day you will

please let the police know you are not a missing person because he’ll phone them saying you’ve taken teen and have mental health issues.

I’ve been there and thankfully he didn’t get far with the made up bollocks he was spouting.

How to Control a Woman #1
If your woman leaves the house without you and she doesn’t return home within a timescale that you deem appropriate :
publicly humiliate her by contacting random work colleagues thus alluding to some sort of “problem” with her.
report her to the police as a missing person this will remind her that you are powerful and can mobilise the authorities at will.

So presumably you had only been an hour or less “late” when he started making all those phone calls? How does he even have numbers for all your colleagues? I’ve worked for over twenty years in my current job and doubt DH could even give the first name of more than a couple of my colleagues if pushed, let alone work out how to contact them.

Your DH is a controlling bully and a walking red flag. I would want to remove myself and my children from his presence, ideally as far away from him as possible.

This is a man who will shout for you to lift a toilet roll off the lid as he stands and watches so he can go to the toilet. He refuses to give your fish a pinch of flakes because it's not his job. He will not cook or eat if it's not his turn to cook. He demands that you immediately respond to his messages and has now harassed your colleagues and wasted police time implying you had a mental health incident because you didn't arrive back in prison and were not immediately contactable for a change.

He sounds insufferable. A man-child who has been enabled to turn into some tantrummy abusive little emperor. Your poor kids. What a vile parental role model he is. Why are you still with him?

I think he's laying the ground work to have you seen as unstable.

This...

Christ alive what does he think people did before mobile phones!? I absolutely love, leaving my phone at home so liberating and makes me feel like I'm in my 20s again😆
He needs to give his head a wobble, you did nothing wrong

He sounds like a very controlling nasty individual who was trying to embarass and humiliate you.

You really need to step back and take a hard look.

Then call Womens aid for a chat.

He's not a good man.

He's an absolute freak.

So your 'punishment' for him having to start his own dinner was that he embarrassed you by calling your work colleagues, but its your 'fault' for being late. Worse, it's also your daughters fault for how she described your behaviour.

Next time you do something 'wrong' what will the punishment be?

Why are you with him?

You been polishing that crystal ball ?

Your daughter created drama, over inflated the situation and told on you to your DH. Why did she do this?
Your DH has control issues and he is weird af. He is gaslighting you.
You have a curfew and you are making excuses for him. Do you not see whats been going on? I feel bad for your children

Hmm Im wondering that as well.....

What an awful, strange and controlling man. Fucking hell.

There is no ‘late’, because the husband does not get to issue the OP with a curfew. She was not late. She just arrived home after the time she thought she might. And by less than two hours.

I am not at all surprised to learn that he demands food for a certain time, has a cruel sense of humour and has no interest in his wife.

I’m also not surprised that he tried to paint you as psychologically unwell to the police to prop up his rage (utterly faux concern) as to your whereabouts.

He’d lost ‘control’ and he did not like it.

🚩

My dad would do this, he has major anxiety issues due to his brother going missing and not being found many years ago.

I just asked my DH what he would do if I was nearly 2 hours later than I said I would be (approximately) during the daytime, shopping, and left my mobile at home... He said he would be annoyed that I was later than I said I'd be, but wouldn't call the police or anyone else....
I do think my DH is a bit controlling if I'm honest (which is why I wanted to get his feedback on this scenario) and so I tend to always state I'll be home much later than I expect to be (especially on nights out). He doesn't get annoyed about what time I get in, just if I say I'll be home at X time and it ends up being later. He says I'm the same if he's late but I don't get quite as 'concerned' (usually enjoying my time at home tbh!). I doubt that helps but thought I'd share. He says it's because he cares/worries but I do think it's controlling.

So now he is gaslighting you as well as being controlling about times. He’s making out you ‘could’ become unstable. I’m seeing many red flags here OP. I rarely say it but in this case, Run!!

He can't take any feedback or constructive criticism at all without becoming confrontational.

The feedback I tend to give is "when you do/say X it makes me feel Y. Please stop doing/saying X". He will always come back with why me even suggesting this is unreasonable, it's just his character, the sense of humour he grew up with, the way his brain is wired etc.

He will never say "I'm sorry that when I do/say X it makes you feel Y. I will try my best to stop doing X". That would be music to my ears and is how I imagine a healthy relationship would operate at least most of the time.

What are you getting out of this relationship now OP?

I was going to say it could be a trauma response. I can’t stand my family to not show up when they say they are supposed to and not be contactable. I will always go into complete panic mode and assume the worst but have managed to never call the police. Calling the police for an adult being 2 hours late, with the update from the dd (plus all the other shite behaviour) is completely mad.

The man is a fuckwit