Friendships and cost of living crisis

[Costoflivingunease]

Anyone finding that the cost of living crisis is making some friendships awkward...?

Some people are really struggling and this is - understandably - their main concern at the moment and therefore a main topic of conversation. I am lucky in that it is not affecting me but I'm finding it excruciating to be part of conversations where people are giving me a knowing look as if to judge me for being unaffected! This is in long term, close friendships.

There also seems to be a predominant narrative now - maybe due to the various mistakes of our government - that anyone with any money is an evil 'Tory'. Or worse, has had everything handed to them on a plate. I have had to endure probing questions about how much parental support I had/have (none!!).

I have been skint, its bloody awful and so stressful, I get it. But I hate feeling like the bad guy because I own my own home and have disposable income. I worked extremely hard for it (in an unfulfilling job which I wouldn't necessarily recommend).

I'm also noticing it alot amongst DC friends' parents and don't want my children to start feeling like the odd ones out or somehow in the wrong. Anyone else?

You lost me at “work extremely hard”

Why? They work hard too, I didn't say they didn't.

No, but then again none of my friends are poor and or struggling so it hasn’t become awkward.

Most people tend to befriend those similar to themselves so it’s rare to occur.

The only way your children would notice is if you make a point of telling them 'look how much more money we have than your friends'.

I'm sure you have worked hard, but the horrible implication is that people who don't have your lifestyle are lazy. That's not the case.

How inconvenient.

Hmmmm, we're not talking extremes here though. These are generally all people in professional jobs. But there's a huge difference between, say, a teacher's salary and someone working for a large corporate/in financial services.

Of course the kids would notice

how many times around Christmas do people post on here asking for people to not tell their kids the main gifts are from Santa, because poor families can’t afford as much and they don’t want it to look like Santa is punishing them.

Most children will see disparity in terms of what they have compared to their friends, and days out etc. most children with an ounce of empathy would then feel a bit awkward when their friend asks what they did at the weekend if it’s going to be something their friend can no longer do.

Not an issue in my friendship group and we all earn different amounts. Some are better off than others. Stop going on about having money because you worked hard though. The implication being those who are worse off dont work hard

To be clear - everyone had worked hard and nobody is lazy.

I'm talking about active animosity which would not be tolerated in the other direction (and, to be clear, I do not feel!).

I’d view those as pretty extreme differences in salary.

Most of my friends are on benefits, and have been feeling the pinch long before the CoL crisis. We just don't talk about it. No point.

The only thing I've noticed is an unwillingness to alter social plans to take into account differing circumstances. We're on a tight budget at the moment. Some CoL but mostly have a mortgage and also paying rent and therefore double sets of bills whilst we renovate the house we've bought. A friend wanted to go out for some drinks one night. I explained that I couldn't afford it (haven't drunk any alcohol or been 'out' since Oct to save money). He suggested going for a coffee instead but nothing has materialised despite me asking and that was several months ago. He's suggested drinks at least twice since then.

I can’t relate. I don’t talk about financial issues really with my friends. I mean we talk about ‘cost of living’ generally eg how much food is, how terrible it is for people struggling and I don’t suggest expensive meet ups to friends I think might be struggling. However we certainly don’t probe each other about where our money comes from.

I agree that the comment “I’ve worked hard for my money” also rubs me the wrong way. I know you probably didn’t mean it in a judgemental tone but I always hear it that way.

I wouldn’t let your friends probe you about finances. I’d be sympathetic, be sensitive but not allow them to ask intrusive questions.

All in all I think not being affected by the cost of living crisis is a good position to be in, even if it makes some conversations seem awkward.

I don't talk about money at all. I have a house and a car though, so there are obvious signifiers. It is other people talking about money, I just can't join in with the topic of conversation without out right lying.

I feel like some of the responses rather prove my point.

I said 'work hard' to make it clear I'm not talking about inherited wealth.

It’s that’s phrase that implies if you work hard you’ll be financially ok- and it’s not true.

Obviously you can’t lie and say you’re struggling if you aren’t. However surely you can join in with comments like “yes I’ve noticed our shopping bill is much higher now. Isn’t it shocking how much more everything is”.

or are they asking you specific questions about your money?

I don't hear people talking about it in real life tbh.

Ok, well that wasn't my implication. I was making it clear that I didn't get handed any money on a plate.

Yes, but I get an eye roll if I join in with comments like that.

I appreciate I am lucky but would rather not have that ruin years long friendships!

Seems like an issue with your friends rather than an issue with cost of living and friendships. Have you said “why are you rolling your eyes when I speak”. If they aren’t happy for you to join in it is very unfair to start that conversation with/near you. I think rolling your eyes at a friend is unkind no matter the topic.

That's nice dear. FYI: alot is not a word.

Surely you still live where you always lived, and they still live where they've always lived? Otherwise, couldn't you just make sympathetic noises ? It isn't a topic that comes up for us often.

Ok, thanks. So we're agreed that some people do think it's acceptable to be rude/harsh to people purely because they're not financially struggling? Great.

Are you saying your teacher friends don’t have houses or cars? What stage of their careers are they at?