Friendships and cost of living crisis

[Costoflivingunease]

Anyone finding that the cost of living crisis is making some friendships awkward...?

Some people are really struggling and this is - understandably - their main concern at the moment and therefore a main topic of conversation. I am lucky in that it is not affecting me but I'm finding it excruciating to be part of conversations where people are giving me a knowing look as if to judge me for being unaffected! This is in long term, close friendships.

There also seems to be a predominant narrative now - maybe due to the various mistakes of our government - that anyone with any money is an evil 'Tory'. Or worse, has had everything handed to them on a plate. I have had to endure probing questions about how much parental support I had/have (none!!).

I have been skint, its bloody awful and so stressful, I get it. But I hate feeling like the bad guy because I own my own home and have disposable income. I worked extremely hard for it (in an unfulfilling job which I wouldn't necessarily recommend).

I'm also noticing it alot amongst DC friends' parents and don't want my children to start feeling like the odd ones out or somehow in the wrong. Anyone else?

It sounds like a really tedious conversation topic tbh. When you go out with friends it’s supposed to be fun and a bit of escapism from the every day mundane so to sit around discussing rising bills and food costs sounds so very dull. It’s something I’d imagine old people sitting together enjoying, they certainly love a good whinge about it on public transport anyway.

I know op has said already, but come on! What difference does a doubling electric bill make when you are on a reasonably high salary? It's barely noticeable. The price of biscuits may have doubled but again, that's of no significance. Sure it's 'noticeable' (if you actually look, some people don't) but also totally unimportant. You definitely don't have to be on a billionaire salary to be unaffected by a few extra hundred quid a month. It's nothing - to many people.

You're not imagining it, op. I've experienced similar with the mothers of one of my dc's friends. We'd been friends for years and then the group seemed to bond over their resentment of my financial situation. It was hurtful, especially as it affected my dc as well.

I'm not really seeing how this has become an issue. How do they know it's easier for you? I'm in a more comfortable position than most friends but I don't talk about it. We've paid off our mortgage but we've never volunteered that info (a couple of people know because they asked directly and I didn't want to lie). I drive an old/basic car etc. The crisis has affected us in much more modest ways. We are more judicious about when the heating goes on but if we're really cold we can put it on without worrying. But if friends complain about hearing costs and being cold we nod empathetically.

it isn't obvious to anyone that it's so much easier for us than many others and we don't draw attention to it. It's quite possible for a high earning family to also have high outgoings especially if they still have a big mortgage so there is no need to make it obvious. Maybe that's the issue. Why do your friends know so much about your disposable income?

Tell them you're angry on their behalf about the erosion of living standards and you're going to make sure that you vote out the corrupt and incompetent Tories. If you're not prepared to do that, then you're not really a friend, are you? Because your benefiting from the status quo.

You could also point out that yes, you're fortunate at the moment, but that anyone who's lifestyle depends on their earned income is vulnerable in these unpredictable times. Throughout my life my friends and I have gone from skint to comfortable, struggling and back again, dependent on the economic climate at the time, plus personal circumstances such as health, relationship breakdown etc. There's so many factors beyond 'hard work' that dictate your financial position, and in the coming years the boot could well be on the other foot.

yeah that will do it op - because your friends will definitely believe in fairytales and magic money trees 😂 All we need is Starmer and the war will end in Ukraine magically and Putin will disappear in a puff of smoke and everything will be perfect with the country awash with money and buttercups! 🤔

we are struggling a bit - couple of hundred quid a month is the difference between holiday and no holiday. It’s clear to me which friends mention col and are affected and which can absorb the increases.

your friends should pick up on this and not discuss it with you. It’s only going to make them feel worse so why would they? Just acknowledge you’re lucky and change the topic.

As a few other posters have said, it's not really about money.

If friends are openly envious for any reason, it's not going to work. You shouldn't have to apologise or feel bad.

Glad you find foodbanks and the destruction of the NHS so amusing 🤔

I have friends from a variety of economic backgrounds - my best friend of 20 years has really struggled financially for most of her life. Luckily these are friends who have been there through all stages of life and they therefore don't compare or think of our respective lives in terms of material wealth.

We live in a large home in a beautiful village. We aren't rolling in disposable income by any means but we have been lucky with the housing market. My younger (very socialist) DS16 is embarrassed to bring his friends home to ours as the reaction they've given in the past has ranged from 'wow your house is enormous' to 'posh twat'. He has friends from (pretty rough tbh) inner city council estates that have excluded him from outings together on the basis that he'd be 'cosplaying at being poor'.

He's an active Marxist and believes implicitly in the redistribution of wealth. Works as a pot washer to earn his own money. Yes I think it's a shame that it's apparently ok to resent and exclude him on the basis that his parents been in the fortunate position to offer him a nicer home.

If they know her and her husband’s jobs, that they own a house, go on holidays, and drive halfway decent cars then it doesn’t take much to figure it out.

Also, if their kids go round to OPs then they may well be going home saying stuff like ‘but X has this so why can’t we?’.

OP doesn’t need to be boasting or throwing it in their faces for them to be aware. Unfortunately some people become very angry and hateful towards people they perceive as having done better than them, without the ones targeted having done anything wrong.

It’s interesting your friends value materialism so much - are you comfortable with that? Most of my friends value good health (not a given for half of us) family and friendship and some free time more than actual money. But that’s just us. I did have friends before and their only measure of ‘success’ was a new car and kitchen etc and the friendship didn’t last.

You need new friends

Yes it is really quite tricky so I can empathise OP.

I've always earned a fair bit more than most of my friendship group which does sometimes cause a little tension when we are making plans and so on. This has probably been further exacerbated by the cost of living crisis.

Obviously I'm sensitive to their situation and would never push to get them to spend beyond their means but honestly sometimes I'd just like to stay in the nice hotel / Airbnb / restaurant without having to worry about money. Of course I'd never say this and I value their friendship far more than money.

The poster is right though, the amount of times I've heard when the Tories go everything will magically be great.

Would love to see it but can't see where the money is coming from.

In comparison to all other European countries the UK is q basket case. Ask any Europeans about how they see it now - they are against at the horror show. So yes things would be better without the Tories - they have restructured the status quo to only benefit certain groups. Anyone not against to it is lacking empathy and humanity, the country has a barely functioning infrastructure sorry if that puts a little bit of a dumper on things

This. They know that they have financial security, and it gives them confidence many others are lacking.

In comparison to all other European countries the UK is q basket case. Ask any Europeans about how they see it now - they are against at the horror show

You’re mistaken. A recent study showed that only about 40% of Austrians now think that their EU membership is good thing.

People across Europe are struggling with the cost of living ATM.

news.gtp.gr/2023/01/16/eurobarometer-eu-citizens-worried-about-rising-living-costs/

Most of my friendship group are public/3rd sector workers, as we're mainly in education, NHS, charities, government, etc., so income is fairly similar. I know a couple of my friends, in financial services, earn a lot more than the rest of us, so they do have less pressure on them. We're trying t go cheap and cheerful places when we eat out, so more of us can afford it. We've done more of going to each other's houses recently too.

However, I don't think anyone feels animosity for those who earn more. I certainly don't, and I'm in education, so not super well paid. We do all manage to run cars/have mortgages, so we're not at the 'can't feed the kids' stage; but we're all feeling the pain of the heating bills! I wonder if it's time to adjust conversation/activities, and just ignore it for a bit?

All of my European friends are moaning just the same as us. Some have it much worse, and although it is not reported widely here - everywhere on the continent is struggling now with the cost of living. My friends have explained how difficult it is in the schools and hospitals in Poland as they have taken in such a huge influx of Ukrainians, and are pleased to do so, but the infrastructure is falling over. Germany's health service is under massive strain. France are just about to have a massive outbreak of protests again due to the pension age being raised because it is unaffordable. Even in Sweden there is discontent. Same everywhere.

War is war and it causes massive ripples.
We still haven't even found homes for the millions of Afghans that arrived due to the states pulling out with no notice whatsoever. We now have the same again for Ukraine. All need to be cared for, looked after etc.

We have to accept the facts are what they are, and the solutions are not obvious and we will need to carry on doing our best.

It sounds like your friends are crashing bores. Who turns every conversation into a whine on the cost of living?

In my main group I would be on the lower end of the income scale than most of them, but it rarely comes up. It's crass to talk about money, and worse, its extremely dull.

I am just careful what I say, I am retired with no mortgage and have enough, I am careful (stingy )with heating, but I don't hesitate to put it on if I am really cold.
It is possible to be sensitive to other people's struggles without being condescending.