Friendships and cost of living crisis

[Costoflivingunease]

Anyone finding that the cost of living crisis is making some friendships awkward...?

Some people are really struggling and this is - understandably - their main concern at the moment and therefore a main topic of conversation. I am lucky in that it is not affecting me but I'm finding it excruciating to be part of conversations where people are giving me a knowing look as if to judge me for being unaffected! This is in long term, close friendships.

There also seems to be a predominant narrative now - maybe due to the various mistakes of our government - that anyone with any money is an evil 'Tory'. Or worse, has had everything handed to them on a plate. I have had to endure probing questions about how much parental support I had/have (none!!).

I have been skint, its bloody awful and so stressful, I get it. But I hate feeling like the bad guy because I own my own home and have disposable income. I worked extremely hard for it (in an unfulfilling job which I wouldn't necessarily recommend).

I'm also noticing it alot amongst DC friends' parents and don't want my children to start feeling like the odd ones out or somehow in the wrong. Anyone else?

I think some of the early responses in this thread tell you all you need to know, OP. They reek of jealousy, which is a pointless and harmful emotion.

Money, politics and religion always seem to be the things that people (even those who say they're friends) most readily fall out over - I feel like most are smart enough not to dwell on these topics if it gets awkward, and instead talk about other things where there's more common ground. If your friends bring up the topic of money because they're struggling, but ask you how you're doing and want to treat you like a pariah because you're not, that's totally on them. Boasting is one thing, being honest is another. Believe me when I say that there are in fact nice people in the world who wouldn't ever try and make you feel bad for being where you are.

Personally, even though times are bad in general we're doing absolutely fine at the moment - but the reason is because we made sacrifices and didn't overstretch ourselves when times were good. That's often too quickly forgotten.

So you are not happy unless your friends are not as angry as you?
I would run a mile from someone like you! I dont want to spend my limited life angry and miserable. Shaking my fist at the news thanks.

I am more interested in talking about positive solutions, things that are going well and when we do cover issues,, we keep it short and sweet. Life is too short to be miserable all of the time. Some of the issues in the country are not political but structural. I fear you are going to be very disappointed if you think any one party will come along and fix everything.

It's such a trope on this site, that insist on friends should never ever discuss finances, but irl that sometimes isn't possible.
Examples on this very site being; wildly expensive hen weekends organised by pushy people who are millionaires, while you're a single parent on minimum wage. Sometimes you have to spell it out to them why "only £1000" is preposterous..

Thanks for all the really insightful responses after I had gone to bed!

I totally agree that is boring and depressing to discuss such negative things all the time. I do feel a bit drained after seeing my friends. Lots of thinking and reassessment needed....

Also agree with the posters who mentioned financial history, priorities and planning. There's so much that goes into an individual financial circumstance, people should stop jumping to conclusions.

If you feeling drained I would stop seeing them, they don’t sound like ‘your’ people and it would be better to invest time in friends that share your values and enhance your life.

If the dc are friends switch to meeting up in busy places, parks or for very short bursts. Keep the conversation light and spend your own time and socialise with more positive people. Life is what you make it, even in a downturn.

It's a myth that everyone working for large corporate financial institutions is on great money. Yes some are but not all.

Friendships built around children are often quite shallow. When your children change school, if they end up in different places the friendships die out, for example.

The way we organise our society, the ever widening gap between those with money and without, it's no surprise there is bad feeling. It's also sad because it's not your personal fault that wage disparity is so harsh.

The poster who said it doesn't affect them because of the types of friends they have was reflective of a lot of people... maybe you need a richer/private school if you make friends through the children. I think this may be the way things go ... more segregation.

I wouldn't tolerate any bitchyness or outright jealousy... which is what this is .... comments about your biscuits are a bit pathetic. Anyone who says that is not a real friend.

One thing I’ve learnt over the years OP is to never say “I work hard”.

I usually say things like:

”It is so difficult right now for so many”
”It sounds very challenging for you”

I’d suggest that you try not to talk at all about your own situation in these conversations and instead take on the listening role only.

I wouldn’t say home, car or other lifestyle indicators are always an indicator for wealth.

In my experience, some of the wealthiest people I know drive an old banger, one car family, kids in hand-me-downs from siblings or cousins, holiday in the U.K., tired furnishings in their home, heating on in only one room etc. And they don’t care what others think.

Whereas those who are keeping up with the Joneses have two brand new cars but they’re on finance, holiday to Turkey or Greece but it’s on a credit card, kids kitted out in new designer gear etc.

Honestly - I think it says more about your friends than anything.

It's quite common for single teachers in their 30s not to own a house. I could only afford to buy when I met dh

OP you're not allowed to say you worked hard. We are all supposed to think that all jobs are equal and that it's distasteful to recognise they are not.

I am really quite confused by your entire story OP. I can't fathom why you and your friends have nothing better to talk about than money. I am more than comfortable financially too, but equally I couldn't say that I am "unaffected" - I do certainly notice that my energy bills are double and that prices have gone up considerably, so I imagaine it would take the sort of Rishi Sunak income to "not notice" that you are affected! And, in total honestly, if this is how your friends act, you don't have any friends!

But great attempt at a stealth boast.

We have a large difference in income between our friend circle. I have some who live wage packet month to month dipping into credit cards. Who feel dh and I are wealthy and we have friends who frankly are millionaires.

I dont recognise the conversations you are having. Our friends better off than us doesn't flaunt it. It would never occur to me to enquire home much parental help they have had. We know in the case of a few close friends as we were told some its a lot some its nothing.

My friends who feel I am the extremely comfortable one does. Not ask me questions like that.

Children are aware some houses have more than others its aboit teaching your children about their privilege and how to use that for good.

I am aware when I make plans with friends to keep it to sensible payment places. And my millionaire friends have never suggested we di a trip to the Seychelles for lunch. They know thats out of my budget.

It's about respect and a level of honesty imo.

I dont begrudge my friends w more money than me their money. But then they have never suggested I fucked up my.life. I wish my friend who is struggling as a single mum would have a windfall but I don't pity her.. she has lots of love in her house with her girls.

In my rather long life, I've found that friendships can founder on the rocks of an unbalanced bank balance. I guess we all like to be friends with people who are similar to us, and going through the same experiences.

Is it possible that you make it obvious to others that you are better off then them ?I can't imagine any other reason why they would be rude/ harsh to you .

I'm in the middle. I own an average 4 bed and drive an oldish car. We're OK and not struggling but have to be careful. We both work full time. I have one friend who earns double what I do and has a 4 bed but in a desirable area in a nearby city. She's just bought a brand new car. I have another friend who's long term unemployed. They own a house outright but it's not a great house. She hasn't worked for years and has no qualifications, so won't get anything over minimum wage when she does work. I think we all have in common that we're fairly careful and don't do much other than occasional treats. That's because we're all parents too, so the kids come first. My rich friend does do more weekends away with her DH but she doesn't talk about them much.

I get your point op.

Op means they "worked hard" eg what money they have has come from their job rather than a trust fund, inheritance or other family hand out.

I'm in the same boat. I deliberately chose a job that had high earning potential as its highly skilled and technical and there's a shortage of people doing it. I don't think it makes me a bad person that i earn a lot. i try to donate, give money to the school a lot. I have a sibling who's a teacher and I'd happily pay a whack more tax if teachers & nurses were paid more.

I agree with this.
They are projecting their anger onto you which is a toxic behaviour.
Eye rolling, huffing, PA remarks are not the behaviours Iwould expect from friends.
Possibly time to challenge directly but politely and end the friendships if it continues.

It's your friends who are being ridiculous. It's not your fault you have money and are comfortable. I have a ton of friends who have more money than me, and I don't resent them at all.

It's sad that they are letting it effect your friendships. More fool them.

And I have no idea why you are getting grief from other posters. You've said nothing wrong.

Not sure why you are confused or where the stealth boast is.

An extra few hundred on my bills each month has no real effect on my financial position. That's a statement of fact and I'm not hiding it? This will be the case for many people who earn a decent salary in the UK, not just billionaires!!

The easiest way I deal with it OP is not to discuss money. I'll talk about the cost of living increases etc in general terms but won't be drawn into discussing my own circumstances which like you, haven't really been affected.

Unfortunately what you're seeing on here is a bit of resentment for your situation which while your OP could have been worded better, wasn't offensive or belittling, but when the narrative is that everyone must struggle or be poor then it breeds this kind of behaviour.

It sounds like all your friends don't have cars or houses, but you do. If that's the case, then they are all going share something in common about feeling the pinch, I dont think that means they are frowning upon you. If I was getting asked questions in this situation I'd think it was because they want to know how to find a way to earn more money etc.

We earn well and are financially comfortable and I've never felt this way.

I totally get what you mean and I have experienced similar. I have distanced myself from huffy friends and people who go " Well it's all right for you".

It hasn't affected me with friends, though I've noticed how divisive and in bad faith forums have become.

I DID get rude comments from two friends when over the course of five years I went from a minimum wage job to £53K. We don't speak now.

I've distanced myself from friends who always moan they are skint and hint for help with money.

That said everyone works bloody hard!