Friendships and cost of living crisis

[Costoflivingunease]

Anyone finding that the cost of living crisis is making some friendships awkward...?

Some people are really struggling and this is - understandably - their main concern at the moment and therefore a main topic of conversation. I am lucky in that it is not affecting me but I'm finding it excruciating to be part of conversations where people are giving me a knowing look as if to judge me for being unaffected! This is in long term, close friendships.

There also seems to be a predominant narrative now - maybe due to the various mistakes of our government - that anyone with any money is an evil 'Tory'. Or worse, has had everything handed to them on a plate. I have had to endure probing questions about how much parental support I had/have (none!!).

I have been skint, its bloody awful and so stressful, I get it. But I hate feeling like the bad guy because I own my own home and have disposable income. I worked extremely hard for it (in an unfulfilling job which I wouldn't necessarily recommend).

I'm also noticing it alot amongst DC friends' parents and don't want my children to start feeling like the odd ones out or somehow in the wrong. Anyone else?

I find it difficult as my friendship groups vary between those who have much more and want to engage in expensive activities which I can’t always manage and those who envy me because I have disposable income that they haven’t
I recently took DP away for a big birthday treat which caused a few comments such as ‘it’s all right for some!’
I try to get on with most people and don’t join in or judge them

@DrinkFeckArseBrick yes, that's it, a misrepresentation.

Other posters have summed it up- its 'alright for some' attitude all the time.

@Sceptre86 I don't think you're allowed to talk about hard work 😏

Money differences do affect friendships. When it came to the end of uni, I had a job lined up and a friend asked me point blank what it paid. It didn't occur to me to fudge, so I told them, simply, no boasting - I didn't realize it was particularly generous because I wasn't genned up about money. They ended the friendship immediately.😪

We r OK financially but our December gas bill was over 500 quid! Regardless of how much one has coming in that's significantly higher than this time last year. If your friends don't understand that then I wonder about said friends. We have had to turn our thermostat down! Our very very well off friends still have theirs at 24 and built a fabulous outdoor kitchen a few months ago. I don't begrudge them and look forward to great barbecues hopefully this summer.

You are so goady, just be quiet

I kind of get it OP, it's not quite the same but I have a friend who ended up in lots of unnecessary debt quite a few years ago. And this has ment our financial circumstances have differed slightly.

I said I was finding having some renovation work really stressful because I'm pregnant/ have a small child there's mud and dust everywhere and it's horrible. And basically got the eye roll "it's alright for some"

I didn't realise it was a competition either but apparently it is sometimes.

Hardly goady to state a fact

ever heard of the saying ‘birds of a feather flock together’

This .
The current cost of living has had no effect on me or my friends so no awkwardness here.

I also think many on here don’t understand the majority aren’t impacted too much, 25% of people are struggling, a minority

Kids do notice. My son has been doing karate and several other activities for years. He has a good friend who used to do karate with him for 3 years. Since September he has stopped going and told my son he still wants to go but his parents just can't afford for him to go anymore as too expensive. He says he misses going.

I get what you mean - I have a lot of friends (with good jobs who could afford a home loan) who had opportunities to buy a house but prioritised other things. Rent used to be cheap and houses easy to get so it wasn’t an issue. Now rents are through the roof and can’t get rentals and they are living in constant fear of rental hikes and lease renewals. House prices have skyrocketed up and now none of them could even afford to buy a house in the area now. Dh and I bought a house together and while we aren’t wealthy, we aren’t struggling week to week because of rent hikes. I think because house prices stayed the same for so long they thought they could just buy anytime and it wouldn’t matter. Owning a home was always a priority for us, but not everyone feels that way. Most of these friends have a much higher income than dh and I too.

*crisscrosscringle · Today 20:18
OP, you will get people here being contrary for the sake of it. I've had two friendships go cold this year because of a difference in disposable income.

They were friends I made 10ish years ago as part of a group of 4 when we all earned a similar amount. 10 years on and I probably earn more than than the other three combined. I don't work harder but I have a different kind of job. They have made their mind up that I'm 'flash' now because I have a new kitchen and a new car. The reality is I'd happily have a night out in the local pub or with a bottle at one of our houses and don't need to spend money to have a good time. Like you, I've been dirt poor too.

Comparison is the thief of joy but I think it's really hard if you don't have something not to feel something like jealousy.*

This

Probably change your friendship group then.

My friends are a mix, though generally 'professionals'.

A lot of my local friends are through DC which makes cutting ties pretty tough.

It is pretty disillusioning if you think friends care more about something like how much money you have more than relating to you because they like your character I totally agree! It sounds as though you want to persevere with them so would it help to find a free activity you could do with one or two to take the focus away from just chatting about finances eg start book group, go for weekly walk/run/cycle/exercise together?

Surely it's the same as anything else in a friendship? They are having financial problems that you don't, one day you might be having relationship problems and they're happily married; or someone is ill and others are well.
You don't have to be in the same situation to respond with empathy and agree the thing is awful. If you do this and they're still resentful of you, you need different friends. Most people who are struggling financially aren't jealous and snide to their friends who aren't. You're unlucky.

Sounds like a “them” problem rather than anything you’ve actually done wrong. Carry on being yourself and ignore any snide comments. I’d chalk it up to them being extremely stressed about finances but if they continue I’d sack them off and find some new friends.

What it boils down to is jealousy, OP.

You shouldn't have to tell people how you afforded your house etc. It's not their business. If they ask questions like that again, I think you should tell them just that!

I do think you need to try to see past your irritation though - they could be really struggling and that can come with incredible stress and worry.

I get you OP. For me it's not so much with friends as they know my financial situation but with colleagues who perhaps don't. I've had a few awkward conversations with colleagues about skyrocketing mortgage rates or rents where I've felt uncomfortable saying that we own our house outright so it's not an issue for us. I've tried to avoid talking about our situation wherever possible but sometimes I've been asked about it outright. I don't want anyone to think I'm gloating.

Sorry OP, but these people are not your friends. The “years long friendships” have run their course.

Why would you want to be friends with people who are envious of you and clearly aren’t capable of being loving enough towards you that they’re happy you’re doing ok, even if they aren’t? Surely the basis of any good friendship is to feel happiness when your friend is happy, rather than seeing it as some kind of fucked up competition, where people want to see you brought down in order to feel more happy/less aware of the difficulties in their own situation?

This really makes no sense to me. My closest friends are like extended family; we’d pay for drinks/dinner for the other if they were in a tough spot, and conversely we’d always be genuinely happy for the wins of the other.

It’s time to find some new friends.

I sort of get it and I wonder whether this is particularly the case when it comes to certain professionals. I am in my 40s - an academic working in a great uni, but same as the medics years of austerity has meant that my purchasing power has been massively decreased in comparison to my friends who work in the city. Now I am not against my friend per se but yes am bitter at the system in which they benefit while others dont and many of those friends are totally oblivious to that. So whilst most public sector professionals are going to go out on strike - my mates in the city just comment how annoying that is. So honestly - yes there is a gap. In a way they have benefit through the political decisions of the Tories - I, medics and teachers havent. But my friends also dont seem to have sufficient critical reading of the situation about what is currently taking place.

This isnt simply a crisis of living - this is yet again a political decision to restructure the UK. It is shocking and an absolute disgrace. I am not personally jealous of my friends - we are fine, however, a chasm exists when they are not as angry and pissed off at the situation as I am.

Sorry posted too soon. In a way - it's not that I want my friends to be poor - no I dont - but I do want them to be angry. We no longer have a functioning medical system, care system, education, transport system because of the last 13 years. Those who are alright - havent worked harder nor are they cleverer than others - no one can tell a junior doctor that they arent bright enough or dont work hard enough........persnally I dont want my friends to pretend they have a mortgage when they dont. But I do want them to be smart enough to empathise and be angry with the rest of us.

I do see where you're coming from, it's not everyone, just some....having been told 'it's all right for you, you've got solar power and you've paid your mortgage off anyway' in reference to electricity prices being double, but obviously double of a small amount is not a large cost. I did try to mention that we don't do holidays (they went abroad twice last year, we last went abroad 18 years ago), and our newest car is over 10 years old (both theirs replaced a year ago), as that's apparently not the same. Our priority has always been reducing our outgoings plus reducing the running costs of the house as retirement looms, so I just had to say 'I understand the electricity price is more of a problem for you, unfortunately your household priorities may be different to ours.'

It happens. The thing is they already know you’re not struggling and resent you for it, thus whatever you say is going to be ‘wrong’. If you sympathise it will be taken as patronising, and if you comment on the rise of prices you’ll be met with ‘why would it matter to you?’. You can’t win in that situation.

You can remove yourself. As much as you may want to keep up the friendships that doesn’t mean you should have to submit to being the whipping post.

Main topic of conversation? Anyone who wants to spend all or most of their time talking about how hard the cost of living is at the moment is boring and depressing. I'm not saying no-one should talk about it, but there must be rays in sunshine most people can find in life, some small nice thing or other topic to talk about. Anyone who goes on about just one topic every time is boring.