Friendships and cost of living crisis

[Costoflivingunease]

Anyone finding that the cost of living crisis is making some friendships awkward...?

Some people are really struggling and this is - understandably - their main concern at the moment and therefore a main topic of conversation. I am lucky in that it is not affecting me but I'm finding it excruciating to be part of conversations where people are giving me a knowing look as if to judge me for being unaffected! This is in long term, close friendships.

There also seems to be a predominant narrative now - maybe due to the various mistakes of our government - that anyone with any money is an evil 'Tory'. Or worse, has had everything handed to them on a plate. I have had to endure probing questions about how much parental support I had/have (none!!).

I have been skint, its bloody awful and so stressful, I get it. But I hate feeling like the bad guy because I own my own home and have disposable income. I worked extremely hard for it (in an unfulfilling job which I wouldn't necessarily recommend).

I'm also noticing it alot amongst DC friends' parents and don't want my children to start feeling like the odd ones out or somehow in the wrong. Anyone else?

I don't think anyone has said that have they?

OP, you will get people here being contrary for the sake of it. I've had two friendships go cold this year because of a difference in disposable income.

They were friends I made 10ish years ago as part of a group of 4 when we all earned a similar amount. 10 years on and I probably earn more than than the other three combined. I don't work harder but I have a different kind of job. They have made their mind up that I'm 'flash' now because I have a new kitchen and a new car. The reality is I'd happily have a night out in the local pub or with a bottle at one of our houses and don't need to spend money to have a good time. Like you, I've been dirt poor too.

Comparison is the thief of joy but I think it's really hard if you don't have something not to feel something like jealousy.

I don't know husband is a school teacher and we are quite comfortable. I think it depends on age, if also paying for childcare, how you live day to day. It's not just about salary.

@crisscrosscringle thank you, yes people do seem contrary.

I am hurt because my friends are pulling away from me because I have more money than them and this has never been an issue before. This may not be as 'dire' a problem as being skint but it's still hurtful to me.

Mid 30s. They do (though some still rent) but I meant that your house and your car can sometimes indicate how much money you have...

Op says she has a house and car, suggesting that her friends do not.

I mean the size/type of house and type/age of car etc. The things people can make judgements on, even if you don't mention money.

I have an extremely boring job which many people would have no idea of the salary off the top of their heads.

No I haven’t had this with any of my friends, but I also don’t have any friends in a low income so everyone has some disposable money though obviously varying amounts. I don’t know anyone who is actually struggling at the moment so the cost of living crisis isn’t something we talk about much apart from the odd comment about prices of holidays or restaurants going up.

I know you're getting a hard time OP, but I kind of get where you're coming from.

Through good luck and well paying careers we are very obviously well off. We're not flashy I don't think, and never talk about money, but e.g. have a much bigger house than anyone we know, a nanny, private school etc. I feel very awkward as obviously I really feel for everyone that finds themselves struggling but worry anything I say in those conversations will annoy people and maybe be unintentionally patronising.

I have some friends much better off than me, and some much worse off than me. I have never once run into this problem that seems common on mumsnet - is it really so hard to listen to a friend and be empathetic?

I admit I'm someone who does tend to shy away from talking about money, so I do actually prefer not to discuss these things. But when my friends who are worse off than me want a moan, I am somehow capable of finding something appropriate to say because surprisingly I actually care about my friends and want to help them.

When my friends who are very well-off hear one of the worse-off of us complain, they are equally capable of being a normal human so I know it's not just me.

Yes, this.

I am empathetic to their situations. They just seem quite actively annoyed that I'm not in the same situation. Not sure where I'm supposed to go with that?

I don’t believe for a second that people are being rude to you. I think you’re projecting. Any chance that in conversation you are totally short sighted and talk as if everyone else is financially comfortable, and your friends are finding that your insensitivity is wearing a bit thin?

No, I never talk about anything money related and never have. I have had no money myself. I think that's partly why this is coming to light now, it's never been an issue until some people have started to struggle much more.

Op if I were you I’d either…
A) be direct and ask why they are eye rolling or making unkind comments.
or
B) avoid conservations linked to money. Change the subject, don’t mention anything related to money (eg holidays) and actively talk about other subjects.

ultimately if they are being unkind that’s really not on. If you are being sensitive and not making judgments or comments then It is really unfair for them to be acting like that with you.

Are you friends generally passive aggressive or bitchy? Is this usual
behaviour?

Thanks.

The context is more - we meet for a catch up and their news is mainly how difficult things are at the moment. This is the main topic of conversation. I say 'how difficult, so tough etc...'. Even 'neutral' ground like DC becomes cost of childcare/uniform related. I absolutely sympathise but it's tough to make conversation when everything now seems money related. Even tried TV shows but they moved on to cancelling their streaming services etc. Got a comment on the price of the biscuits I served once....

If anything I’m the opposite side of the coin and worry I’m going to start getting excluded because I can’t afford to do stuff. My friends earn a LOT more than me because I had to step down due to husband’s career / hours.

Normally anything I do comes from family pot but with literally everything going up we are ok paying our bills / food etc but have very little disposable income. I appreciate that alone makes us in a better position than a lot of people. However my friends keep suggesting we meet all meet up but it’s things like brunch in London or spa day.

i have zero disposable cash for things like that at moment, so had to say a few times, really sorry, I just can’t afford it. So I worry I just won’t get invited because I certainly don’t expect people to not do things because I can’t afford it. I know I can’t win either way and I’m just grateful that we can pay our bills and buy food. I can still be sad though. I certainly don’t resent people though

I experienced this in 2008 during the global crash. Wealthy people lost everything over might. Such was the shock and bitterness - there was literally nothing I could do as a friend to comfort them. Everything about us reminded them of their old security.

If they are old and trusted friends stick with it, be compassionate and caring, without lying about your own life. Pick up the bill if you want to, let them know you are there.

If they are casual friends I would distance. The resentment won’t evaporate and you will be walking on egg shells, apologising in effect for your life. Or reduced to lying. Don’t do it, they won’t thank you for it, and you will feel like a fraud. Branch out and meet new people.

its no one’s fault. This patch will pass. Inflation will come down, things will improve by the spring.

Thanks. It really isn't this for me, though. I don't do fancy spa days or even holidays really. We meet for walks, a coffee, very rarely even an evenings activity. All of our lifestyles are pretty low-key, often revolving around DC.

I understand where you are coming from.
Friends are obviously jealous that you’re not feeling the pinch.
This can be hard to be on the receiving end of - for me it can bring up feelings of guilt but then also feelings of “hey wait a second”.

my first question would be are you actively accommodating their reduced circumstances in a way that doesn’t make them feel awkward- e.g. not always suggesting to go out for lunch/coffee/expensive trip but instead to come over for a pot of tea, or suggesting you take a picnic and go to somewhere free etc. If you did decide to do this, try to be thinking about how nice the thing you will do together will be rather than any guilt or awkwardness you may have felt when you make the suggestion - I think people can read emotional subtext and people can get prickly on these circumstances.

but other than this, actually it’s really not your problem how your friends feel. You didn’t cause the cost of living crisis- beyond empathy when making arrangements there shouldn’t be an expectation on you to do more in my opinion.

Have a look at Non Violent Communication. I might provide some “scripts” for how to handle these discussions when they come up and you don’t want to engage but also don’t want your emotional experience of this discussion to be ignored.

Equally though, sometimes people just need to talk about things and have their friends listen, even if their friends don’t share their problems. Sometimes people need to hear a genuine “that’s really rough, and I’m sorry that this is the case” without a solution offered. It can be hard to “hold space” like this, and it’s a different experience of the friendship.

good luck to you and also to your friends - and here is to a swift resolution of the crisis 🤞🏻

I can understand how a main topic of conversation to the exclusion of almost all others can be draining.

I do think that your friends if they are shunning you or being unpleasant are being unkind to you. If it means these friendships reduce or end, I get it will be upsetting.

Yes, maybe I need to pull back a little and see how things are when (hopefully) things feel less bleak.

It does happen op. We live in an area most would describe as up and coming The new houses built here price locals out. There is a real mix of patents at the school gates and I've noticed it with some of my kid's friends parents. I just nod and usually change the subject.

I come from a low income family as did my dh. Both our dads worked hard but in low skilled jobs so despite working all the hours they were never going to be loaded. I've been poor and now am not. We aren't rich but can afford to pay our bills with a bit left over. It doesn't mean we haven't had to tighten our belts and I will always spend my money wisely because I remember my parents struggles. I've heard a lot of 'well it's OK for you..'. That is annoying but I've not had it from actual friends just people I don't know very well. I have and do correct them. We've earned everything we have, no handouts from family no family support with the kids. We make it work. Sometimes the people who have had all of the above judge the most.

I dont have this problem with my close friends as they are all more or less the same financial security as me. But i do have this problem with other parents in DS school. I use to like to invite my mums friend from ds school to have lunch or tea in my house. But they comment a lot about how big my house is and how nice is, how expensive my car, how nice to have a cleaner etc. Even one of them tell each other that she thinks i’m trying too hard when we celebrate ds birthday party. It was a big party. But i’m not trying to impress or anything. Its common in my circle of friends but apparently its too much in my the eye of other parents.

it makes me uncomfortable, especially when they call me ‘posh’. I’m not even british and i dont like they treated me that way. I really hoping we can get along well but i’m not too sure about that, because the way they treated me so differently

I've seen this a lot on mumsnet recently. People never seem to take the OP at face value. What's the point in responding where you think the OP is completely misrepresenting the situation

Anyway. I think it was clear what you meant in the OP. You said something along the lines of 'they seem to think I've been handed my money on a plate but I've worked hard for it' rather than 'I'm richer than my friends, but i worked hard for it.

I don't know what the answer is. Inverse snobbery does definitely exist, I can be guilty if it myself though I try and check myself. I think you can only put up with it and effectively ignore it or call it out if any comments are made directly at you (for example someone says 'it's all right for some' or 'what would you know')