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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH grief

119 replies

SouthGate7 · 14/01/2023 08:41

We lost mil a few weeks ago after a longish stay in hospital. Unexpected illness but traumatic in watching her pass away.

We have two primary DC. Understandably and I am not complaining I have for several months been doing everything in the house working, kids bedtimes etc. No support from my family. I am helping sort things with him phone calls etc too. Been a general emotional punchbag too for 3 months. Late nights as he obviously wants to talk etc.

DH has been coping well as can be expected. He has this week started going to gym every day, he was out last night with a friend at a pub, he is out all afternoon today and Monday night out again.

I am pleased he is doing what he feels and encouraging him to see friends but am I unreasonable to feel a little hurt he hasn't suggested we go out for a drink/meal alone. Offered to take kids for hour to park ? Offered a little help with house things etc.

I am purely expecting to be told I am and I am really trying to be supportive but I haven't had a chance to process anything and I feel physically shattered as well as emotionally drained -obviously not on his scale

OP posts:
Ladylalaboo1 · 14/01/2023 08:57

It's a though one isn't it? Not related to a parent grief but last year my partner had a complete breakdown and for about 12 weeks was totally physically and emotionally checked out - his mental health was hanging on by a complete thread and he had all sorts of medication and therapy ( still has) to help him. It was exhausting. I was sympathetic and completely took on all of the roles such as looking after the house the kids everything - but it's completely valid to feel these thoughts. I remember speaking to my mum one night in tears and saying ' I'm here for him, completely whenever he needs someone to talk to, but the person I would usually turn too for support I can't, so what can I do?' I was lucky I had family, but it can be completely overwhelming and lonely to have to cope with this because you know you should and want to step up and help as this will be only temporary but you are human so you are allowed to be angry, frustrated, completely warn out too. My advice would be try and find something for yourself to do so you can escape the day to day of it all. I took up reading a lot more and just allowed myself time to catch those moments to just let myself read and not deal with the real world. I did sometimes voice my concerns to my partner which helped sometimes and then sometimes didn't - it was hard to navigate, but know it won't be personal from him it's just how he's going through the grieving process. What I do know is after all this happened and now my partner is recovering and in a completely different and much better place our relationship is much stronger and I'm able to voice things about it to him about how I felt and how it was difficult for me. So my advice would be just try and take time for you, even if it's not with your partner, just something for you so you gain abit of yourself back and not just feel like this emotional and physical cleaner/cared/childminder. It will get better and know you aren't alone xxx

cadburyegg · 14/01/2023 09:15

I think if he's going out with friends then he can get back to doing kids' bedtimes and housework.

And I say this as someone whose dad died a few months after my marriage broke down. I had to continue looking after my kids, house, etc because I had no other choice.

Life has to continue even though it's tough to carry on.

Zanatdy · 14/01/2023 09:21

The day my dad died I had to pick the kids up from school, cook dinner and carry on as normal. I even went into work for a few hours as I got the call in the carpark. Obviously everyone copes with grief differently and I’m not saying what I did others should, or would benefit from. But I think you’ve coped alone long enough. I’d have a gentle chat with him, ask if he’d like to go out with you. There’s no rule book on grief, I always thought I’d flake 6 / 12 months down the line but I didn’t, I guess I’m someone who would feel worse if I stopped and had someone do everything for me. I don’t have that someone anyway so I had little choice in the matter but I do think that was good for me. Id start to encourage him to start to re-engage in life again

Confusedteacher · 14/01/2023 09:21

Agree with @cadburyegg My dad died quite suddenly a few years ago, I had a partner but we weren’t living together then and I was a single parent. Life had to go on- I had some time off work and the kids had more than their fair share of ready meals/ McDonalds, but we did stuff, I tried to make things normal for them. Also getting back to the usual routine helped. What was he like before her illness?

Can you start by suggesting you take the kids to the park together? Saying things like “I’m going to put the washing away, can you start on dinner?” Just to get him started again. Might be a good idea for you to plan a coffee with a friend next weekend so he has to look after the kids?

Original poster
SouthGate7 · 14/01/2023 09:22

Ladylalaboo1 · 14/01/2023 08:57

It's a though one isn't it? Not related to a parent grief but last year my partner had a complete breakdown and for about 12 weeks was totally physically and emotionally checked out - his mental health was hanging on by a complete thread and he had all sorts of medication and therapy ( still has) to help him. It was exhausting. I was sympathetic and completely took on all of the roles such as looking after the house the kids everything - but it's completely valid to feel these thoughts. I remember speaking to my mum one night in tears and saying ' I'm here for him, completely whenever he needs someone to talk to, but the person I would usually turn too for support I can't, so what can I do?' I was lucky I had family, but it can be completely overwhelming and lonely to have to cope with this because you know you should and want to step up and help as this will be only temporary but you are human so you are allowed to be angry, frustrated, completely warn out too. My advice would be try and find something for yourself to do so you can escape the day to day of it all. I took up reading a lot more and just allowed myself time to catch those moments to just let myself read and not deal with the real world. I did sometimes voice my concerns to my partner which helped sometimes and then sometimes didn't - it was hard to navigate, but know it won't be personal from him it's just how he's going through the grieving process. What I do know is after all this happened and now my partner is recovering and in a completely different and much better place our relationship is much stronger and I'm able to voice things about it to him about how I felt and how it was difficult for me. So my advice would be just try and take time for you, even if it's not with your partner, just something for you so you gain abit of yourself back and not just feel like this emotional and physical cleaner/cared/childminder. It will get better and know you aren't alone xxx

Thank you. Very tough there has been some anticipatory grief but obviously still very raw. I guess it is more about me. I just feel the cleaner housekeeper childcare etc there has been sex too.

I am not expecting anything really i guess 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
SouthGate7 · 14/01/2023 09:24

Zanatdy · 14/01/2023 09:21

The day my dad died I had to pick the kids up from school, cook dinner and carry on as normal. I even went into work for a few hours as I got the call in the carpark. Obviously everyone copes with grief differently and I’m not saying what I did others should, or would benefit from. But I think you’ve coped alone long enough. I’d have a gentle chat with him, ask if he’d like to go out with you. There’s no rule book on grief, I always thought I’d flake 6 / 12 months down the line but I didn’t, I guess I’m someone who would feel worse if I stopped and had someone do everything for me. I don’t have that someone anyway so I had little choice in the matter but I do think that was good for me. Id start to encourage him to start to re-engage in life again

He has been helping with school runs with me. Hes not completely shutting himself away I guess it's more me being selfish 😬.

I am pleased he is doing what he feels able to and obviously this may change also too at any time xx

OP posts:
Pinkyandtwerky · 14/01/2023 09:25

YANBU and I would be saying to DH that perhaps he hasn’t noticed that you have missed him both at home and emotionally and as he is starting to feel he can engage a bit more again then you would love him to do that at home too. His response will say a lot.

partly Im wondering if this is his ‘pattern’ ie he likes a pass to be selfish or if this is totally out of character and he’s usually fully sharing of the load in the house and kids etc.

Zanatdy · 14/01/2023 09:28

SouthGate7 · 14/01/2023 09:24

He has been helping with school runs with me. Hes not completely shutting himself away I guess it's more me being selfish 😬.

I am pleased he is doing what he feels able to and obviously this may change also too at any time xx

Show quote history

No , you’re not being selfish at all. Do you think if the tables were turned he would provide this level of support without complaint? We can make allowances for our partners when they lose their parents, of course we should, but there a fine line between them appreciating the support and them taking advantage. You’re not selfish one bit for feeling a bit worn out. You’ve had a loss too, no not as significant but you’re also supporting your children through a bereavement too. Don’t be hard on yourself, it’s time he started to help again around the house before this becomes a permanent arrangement which isn’t fair at all

Alexandernevermind · 14/01/2023 09:30

I am sorry for your loss.
I learned quite quickly in marriage, certainly once children came along, that you don't wait for your husband to offer to help, or offer to take you out. If you want something you need to tell him. We all deal with grief differently, but your dh is a family man with responsibilities that still needs to be taken care of.
I'm a bit concerned by the emotion punchbag phrase you used?

user6278908823 · 14/01/2023 09:34

I don’t think you need a conversation to hoghlight the problem. I think you need to make the suggestions to him. Ask him would he like to go out for a meal. Ask him to do some washing up for you. Would he say no?

He is possibly just going along with whatever is brought to him and his attention because it’s easier. I think just put it to him to do some things and increase over time. If he doesn’t then have a conversation about it as then you’ll have more of a leg to stand on.

HippeePrincess · 14/01/2023 09:39

I don’t see why your dh’s grief absolves him of all normal family life for 3 months so far. Completely and utterly ridiculous and entitled behaviour.
I’m not saying there shouldn’t be some allowances for a while, and emotional support provided but what you’re describing is not ok.

Happin · 14/01/2023 09:43

I dont think he's done anything wrong as such, you only lost MIL a few weeks ago. The gym helps with mental health 100%. And then out twice? It's not a lot. I applaud him for feeling he can do that so soon.

But if he can do that, he can definitely help around the house. Just ask him does he want to go for a meal, he's only been out a couple of times he prob just hasn't realised or got around to asking you to go out yet. Grief is horrendous, he will have ups and downs.

Happin · 14/01/2023 09:46

HippeePrincess · 14/01/2023 09:39

I don’t see why your dh’s grief absolves him of all normal family life for 3 months so far. Completely and utterly ridiculous and entitled behaviour.
I’m not saying there shouldn’t be some allowances for a while, and emotional support provided but what you’re describing is not ok.

When I was losing my Dad I was spending all my time at the hospital it was so traumatic. And then when I lost him I was just vacant. My DH kept everything going as I wasn't physically home until 11pm each night whilst spending every last minute that I knew I'd never get back with my Dad. OPs MIL only passed a couple of weeks ago, your comments are a bit harsh.

LlynTegid · 14/01/2023 09:47

Sorry to read of your loss.

If he often took your children out to the park or elsewhere, perhaps suggest he does that? Your DC may have memories of their grandmother too and it may be of some small help to all three of them.

Funkyblues101 · 14/01/2023 09:54

Grieving is one thing but wallowing in it and, frankly, being an arse to your family using it as an excuse is unacceptable. You need to tell him that he needs to pull his socks up, life goes on.

HippeePrincess · 14/01/2023 09:55

Happin · 14/01/2023 09:46

When I was losing my Dad I was spending all my time at the hospital it was so traumatic. And then when I lost him I was just vacant. My DH kept everything going as I wasn't physically home until 11pm each night whilst spending every last minute that I knew I'd never get back with my Dad. OPs MIL only passed a couple of weeks ago, your comments are a bit harsh.

Show quote history

It’s been 3 months and he’s managing to go to the gym every night and go out socialising 3 times within the space of a week this week/weekend …

Most of us don’t have the luxury of going to pieces like this and yes fine for a short time when there’s visiting still to do and practical things to sort out that’s why you get bereavement leave from work but if you’re a parent (or most likely a mother) you simply don’t get to completely check out of your marriage and role as a father for 3 months.

AltheaVestr1t · 14/01/2023 09:58

Is the issue here that you have given him a free pass, and he has taken advantage of it? That he's got out of the habit of helping? I think it would be thoughtless and potentially conflict-causing to have a go at him, but entirely appropriate to ask him to pick up more of his fair share.

Original poster
SouthGate7 · 14/01/2023 09:58

Apologies mil passed 2 weeks ago but lengthy hospital stay so traumatic for him and yes for us at home and unsettling for childreb

I fully appreciate the mental health side and yes I am encouraging him to see friends etc.

And no he's never been great at helping with house work or cooking etc so it's my enabling

OP posts:
Happin · 14/01/2023 09:58

HippeePrincess · 14/01/2023 09:55

It’s been 3 months and he’s managing to go to the gym every night and go out socialising 3 times within the space of a week this week/weekend …

Most of us don’t have the luxury of going to pieces like this and yes fine for a short time when there’s visiting still to do and practical things to sort out that’s why you get bereavement leave from work but if you’re a parent (or most likely a mother) you simply don’t get to completely check out of your marriage and role as a father for 3 months.

Show quote history

It hasn't been 3 months since he lost his Mum. It's been a couple of weeks. So before that he was at the hospital while she was alive watching her die. In the last couple of weeks since losing her, he THIS WEEK has just started going the gym and been out twice. If he's ready to do that he's ready to help around the house and go out with OP. But to say that watching his Mum die and be at the hospital with her and spend a couple of weeks off the planet as "ridiculous and entitled".......ok.

Original poster
SouthGate7 · 14/01/2023 10:00

AltheaVestr1t · 14/01/2023 09:58

Is the issue here that you have given him a free pass, and he has taken advantage of it? That he's got out of the habit of helping? I think it would be thoughtless and potentially conflict-causing to have a go at him, but entirely appropriate to ask him to pick up more of his fair share.

I guess grief is a piece of string so I am not asking for a length of time but more when should I approach for a bit of help if he is doing other things ?

OP posts:
Awk · 14/01/2023 10:25

Happin · 14/01/2023 09:58

It hasn't been 3 months since he lost his Mum. It's been a couple of weeks. So before that he was at the hospital while she was alive watching her die. In the last couple of weeks since losing her, he THIS WEEK has just started going the gym and been out twice. If he's ready to do that he's ready to help around the house and go out with OP. But to say that watching his Mum die and be at the hospital with her and spend a couple of weeks off the planet as "ridiculous and entitled".......ok.

Show quote history

This!

zingally · 14/01/2023 11:04

I think if you're still in the stage of saying "died X weeks ago", rather than "X MONTHS ago", you still need to play it gently.
When my dad died completely unexpectedly, I'd say it was about a month before "dads dead" wasn't my first thought upon waking up every morning. And I'd say it was about 7-8 months before I completely felt like I had my feet fully under myself again.

The fact that he's up for going and seeing friends again is reassuring, and I don't see any harm in saying something like "could you just run the hoover round the lounge while I start dinner?"
While everyone reacts differently to death, most people simply don't have the option to completely check out.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 14/01/2023 11:37

I think he is taking the piss. I know in the first few weeks you might not want to do stuff with kids as you're not sleeping, you dont want to see them cry etc. and there is so much practical stuff to sort out but if none of this is the case any more then what's his actual reason for his complete lack of contribution. 'I'm upset' doesnt stop you practically pulling your weight. Doing a load of laundry wont make him any more or less sad. Is he back working? After 3 months I cant see him being in such shock or emotional state that he cant actually manage putting a kid to bed or cooking a meal or cleaning the loo. I bet most women arent checking out of family life to this extent after a bereavement

Original poster
SouthGate7 · 14/01/2023 12:42

zingally · 14/01/2023 11:04

I think if you're still in the stage of saying "died X weeks ago", rather than "X MONTHS ago", you still need to play it gently.
When my dad died completely unexpectedly, I'd say it was about a month before "dads dead" wasn't my first thought upon waking up every morning. And I'd say it was about 7-8 months before I completely felt like I had my feet fully under myself again.

The fact that he's up for going and seeing friends again is reassuring, and I don't see any harm in saying something like "could you just run the hoover round the lounge while I start dinner?"
While everyone reacts differently to death, most people simply don't have the option to completely check out.

I fully understand the emotional side will take a long time. But I guess I have just shouldered the load _rightly so for about 3 months. I am helping with practical things too.

But i just feel a bit hurt that other hobbies etc are back in play with no acknowledgement to me and I need to still continue the load.

I fully understand the need for him to get5out of the house etc too

OP posts:
Chrimbob · 14/01/2023 12:49

This sounds like a problem that has intensified recently, but was a problem beforehand too. I appreciate right now is a tricky time, but it's unfair that you have to shoulder the burden all the time. It is awfully convenient that his grief allows him to go to the gym and see friends, but not be with his family/help in the house.