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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH grief

119 replies

SouthGate7 · 14/01/2023 08:41

We lost mil a few weeks ago after a longish stay in hospital. Unexpected illness but traumatic in watching her pass away.

We have two primary DC. Understandably and I am not complaining I have for several months been doing everything in the house working, kids bedtimes etc. No support from my family. I am helping sort things with him phone calls etc too. Been a general emotional punchbag too for 3 months. Late nights as he obviously wants to talk etc.

DH has been coping well as can be expected. He has this week started going to gym every day, he was out last night with a friend at a pub, he is out all afternoon today and Monday night out again.

I am pleased he is doing what he feels and encouraging him to see friends but am I unreasonable to feel a little hurt he hasn't suggested we go out for a drink/meal alone. Offered to take kids for hour to park ? Offered a little help with house things etc.

I am purely expecting to be told I am and I am really trying to be supportive but I haven't had a chance to process anything and I feel physically shattered as well as emotionally drained -obviously not on his scale

OP posts:
Original poster
SouthGate7 · 14/01/2023 16:20

Chrimbob · 14/01/2023 12:49

This sounds like a problem that has intensified recently, but was a problem beforehand too. I appreciate right now is a tricky time, but it's unfair that you have to shoulder the burden all the time. It is awfully convenient that his grief allows him to go to the gym and see friends, but not be with his family/help in the house.

Some of it was but I guess it might have been different in these circumstances. I just don't know what the balance is?

I feel like I am ok to be doing everything esle but not to to be given any assistance or appreciations. Although I knoe this is all very soon

OP posts:
Enfys1982 · 14/01/2023 16:39

Sorry OP but your whole post sounds totally selfish and you have managed to make it all about yourself and not your DH who has just lost his mother and is grieving. It’s very me, me, me. Two weeks is nothing in bereavement terms. I’m assuming that he is still sorting out his mothers affairs etc and organising a funeral which is why he is out a lot.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 14/01/2023 16:44

cadburyegg · 14/01/2023 09:15

I think if he's going out with friends then he can get back to doing kids' bedtimes and housework.

And I say this as someone whose dad died a few months after my marriage broke down. I had to continue looking after my kids, house, etc because I had no other choice.

Life has to continue even though it's tough to carry on.

I agree with this.

My parents deaths were close together, I'm an only child,.so everything fell to me. I don't have young children, but I had to continue working, doing the usual life and house admin, food shopping etc, I didn't opt out of parts of my life!

mrsm43s · 14/01/2023 16:52

Two weeks after his mum's death, after months of him having to watch her die? Yes, he should absolutely be prioritising grieving and his mental health, and a supportive partner wouldn't have an issue stepping up at home to facilitate that. FFS, I doubt the funeral has even happened yet!

The correct time for him to go back to normal is when HE feels ready.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 14/01/2023 16:55

Oh I read the OP as she died 3 months ago! If a couple of weeks then yea I'd expect to be doing most of the everyday chore type stuff

Original poster
SouthGate7 · 14/01/2023 16:57

Enfys1982 · 14/01/2023 16:39

Sorry OP but your whole post sounds totally selfish and you have managed to make it all about yourself and not your DH who has just lost his mother and is grieving. It’s very me, me, me. Two weeks is nothing in bereavement terms. I’m assuming that he is still sorting out his mothers affairs etc and organising a funeral which is why he is out a lot.

No he's not. We have been sorting out all these things together. My post is about his social activities which are increasing nothing to do with anything esle. These appointments are not in the evenings or weekends and I have been helping with phone calls etc too.

As stated I am not asking him to stay in etc all the time and have been encouraging him to see friends but I am still doing everything esle too

OP posts:
Original poster
SouthGate7 · 14/01/2023 16:59

mrsm43s · 14/01/2023 16:52

Two weeks after his mum's death, after months of him having to watch her die? Yes, he should absolutely be prioritising grieving and his mental health, and a supportive partner wouldn't have an issue stepping up at home to facilitate that. FFS, I doubt the funeral has even happened yet!

The correct time for him to go back to normal is when HE feels ready.

I didnt say he was back to normal but going to sports events and pubs in the evening might be helping I agree does that mean I continually have to cover everything esle too?

OP posts:
Original poster
SouthGate7 · 14/01/2023 17:00

BatshitCrazyWoman · 14/01/2023 16:44

I agree with this.

My parents deaths were close together, I'm an only child,.so everything fell to me. I don't have young children, but I had to continue working, doing the usual life and house admin, food shopping etc, I didn't opt out of parts of my life!

Show quote history

Sorry for your loss that sounds really tough 😔

OP posts:
chronictonic · 14/01/2023 17:00

My DH has just been through similar in the last 3/4 months, but with both in laws. It's been a really tough time. I relate to a lot of what you say & in particular the 'emotional punch bag' side, and I actually started a thread about it.
They lived 6 hours away so he was away a LOT and I kept everything ticking over at home with DC.
BUT, I have to say, whenever he was back, and now it's all over, icluding funerals, he has done his best to jump back into home life and working as a team together. And wanted to spend time together. I think that has helped him in his grief, he's found comfort in that.
So I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.. as it is incredibly tough and exhausting to be the one staying strong, keeping things ticking over, without the chance of space to process it yourself. But, grief is different for everyone, so it's tough.
I would start by asking if he'd like to do something nice together... and go from
There.
All the best OP.

Charley50 · 14/01/2023 17:04

As a PP said, he can grieve while looking after the DC, washing up, doing everyday stuff etc. He is in danger of taking the piss. Yes it's terribly sad, but it's also the natural order, and life goes on.

chronictonic · 14/01/2023 17:04

You do have to tread very carefully and be patient with him, it has all only just happened. I would give him a few more weeks.. and get the funeral out the way. Going out a lot now sounds like a reaction to having been so focused on her ill health for the last few months & a coping mechanism. He probably needs to get that out of his system...

HikingforScenery · 14/01/2023 17:06

OP of course yanbu. Just because your DH is grieving doesn’t mean you suddenly get supernatural physical strength or emotional strength or extra time!

He should be able to take the children to the park and do chores around the house! You should of course support him as much as you can.

Original poster
SouthGate7 · 14/01/2023 17:09

chronictonic · 14/01/2023 17:00

My DH has just been through similar in the last 3/4 months, but with both in laws. It's been a really tough time. I relate to a lot of what you say & in particular the 'emotional punch bag' side, and I actually started a thread about it.
They lived 6 hours away so he was away a LOT and I kept everything ticking over at home with DC.
BUT, I have to say, whenever he was back, and now it's all over, icluding funerals, he has done his best to jump back into home life and working as a team together. And wanted to spend time together. I think that has helped him in his grief, he's found comfort in that.
So I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.. as it is incredibly tough and exhausting to be the one staying strong, keeping things ticking over, without the chance of space to process it yourself. But, grief is different for everyone, so it's tough.
I would start by asking if he'd like to do something nice together... and go from
There.
All the best OP.

@chronictonic
I think you have summarised it much better than I have thank you. Perhaps I will have a chat this evening

OP posts:
TwilightSkies · 14/01/2023 17:15

Too sad to do any of the ‘wife work’ but gym, sex and pubs are ok.
I think this situation is just highlighting the imbalance of your relationship generally.

Original poster
SouthGate7 · 14/01/2023 18:12

TwilightSkies · 14/01/2023 17:15

Too sad to do any of the ‘wife work’ but gym, sex and pubs are ok.
I think this situation is just highlighting the imbalance of your relationship generally.

Crude but possibly true yes

OP posts:
mrsm43s · 14/01/2023 18:56

TwilightSkies · 14/01/2023 17:15

Too sad to do any of the ‘wife work’ but gym, sex and pubs are ok.
I think this situation is just highlighting the imbalance of your relationship generally.

But exercise, socialising and sex are all things that are good for mental health.

Cooking dinner/popping to supermarket/putting a load of washing on - not so much.

Sadly both DH and I were in the position of losing a parent in 2022. Neither of us were even close to being ready to snap back to normal TWO WEEKS after the death of our parent. Three months would probably be closer, although it was obviously a gradual process, and it will vary person to person. We absolutely were prioritising things that made us feel better, such as exercise, sex and socialising, because these were valid ways of comforting ourselves or giving moments of mental relief at an utterly shitty time when we felt miserable as sin. We encouraged each other to do so, because we deeply care about each other's mental and emotional well being and don't remotely resent stepping up to help each other in times of need.

I just can't imagine telling my DH just two weeks after his mum died that instead of going for a helpful, mind clearing run, he had to crack on with the housework because I no longer was prepared to carry the load for him. or that his grief was inconvenient to me. I did everything I possibly could to make his life easier, as he did later in the year when I sadly lost my dad.

Losing a parent is a horrible, horrible thing and no one else gets to tell you how long you are allow to grieve for or how you should do it. And a loving partner would be prepared to support you throughout in whichever way you need. And yes, of course it means the supporting partner carries a bigger load for a while, but that's all part of "for better or worse".

Original poster
SouthGate7 · 14/01/2023 20:44

mrsm43s · 14/01/2023 18:56

But exercise, socialising and sex are all things that are good for mental health.

Cooking dinner/popping to supermarket/putting a load of washing on - not so much.

Sadly both DH and I were in the position of losing a parent in 2022. Neither of us were even close to being ready to snap back to normal TWO WEEKS after the death of our parent. Three months would probably be closer, although it was obviously a gradual process, and it will vary person to person. We absolutely were prioritising things that made us feel better, such as exercise, sex and socialising, because these were valid ways of comforting ourselves or giving moments of mental relief at an utterly shitty time when we felt miserable as sin. We encouraged each other to do so, because we deeply care about each other's mental and emotional well being and don't remotely resent stepping up to help each other in times of need.

I just can't imagine telling my DH just two weeks after his mum died that instead of going for a helpful, mind clearing run, he had to crack on with the housework because I no longer was prepared to carry the load for him. or that his grief was inconvenient to me. I did everything I possibly could to make his life easier, as he did later in the year when I sadly lost my dad.

Losing a parent is a horrible, horrible thing and no one else gets to tell you how long you are allow to grieve for or how you should do it. And a loving partner would be prepared to support you throughout in whichever way you need. And yes, of course it means the supporting partner carries a bigger load for a while, but that's all part of "for better or worse".

Show quote history

I agree and this has been happening. I am not asking for him to take everything over but we have 2 DC surely as this has also been very disruptive to them. An hour down the park wouldn't hurt ? I don't expect him to completly take over housework but some help with basics ? Or occasional kids bedtime ?

I have no issues with the socialising I have encouraged it but last Thurs Fri sat eve Thurs Fri then from 1pm this afternoon ?

Doesn't the better for worse work both ways ? Being a team as well.

OP posts:
Original poster
SouthGate7 · 14/01/2023 20:46

When you are generally getting the crap end of the situation 90% of the time the sex doesn't make me feel any better in fact emotionally sometimes worse and probably not DH either to be honest

OP posts:
Eleganz · 14/01/2023 21:01

SouthGate7 · 14/01/2023 20:46

When you are generally getting the crap end of the situation 90% of the time the sex doesn't make me feel any better in fact emotionally sometimes worse and probably not DH either to be honest

So watching your mother deteriorate over the last few months and then die a couple of weeks ago is not 'the crap end of the situation' and having to do the housework and childcare is?

Sometimes you just have to step up and be there for your partner and family and I think this is one of those times.

I really suggest treading very carefully here as your husband could easily and with some justification think you are not supporting him if you just list out what you think he should be doing around the house and with the kids. Other people have suggested a softer approach of suggesting time with the kids, etc.

Of course if you don't want to have sex with him, don't have sex with him. I expect he is seeking intimacy with you for emotional reassurance and support which probably not how you are used to experiencing your intimate relationship with him.

Original poster
SouthGate7 · 14/01/2023 21:21

Eleganz · 14/01/2023 21:01

So watching your mother deteriorate over the last few months and then die a couple of weeks ago is not 'the crap end of the situation' and having to do the housework and childcare is?

Sometimes you just have to step up and be there for your partner and family and I think this is one of those times.

I really suggest treading very carefully here as your husband could easily and with some justification think you are not supporting him if you just list out what you think he should be doing around the house and with the kids. Other people have suggested a softer approach of suggesting time with the kids, etc.

Of course if you don't want to have sex with him, don't have sex with him. I expect he is seeking intimacy with you for emotional reassurance and support which probably not how you are used to experiencing your intimate relationship with him.

Show quote history

I am not comparing the scenarios and of course he has the tragedy but I genuinely didn't think asking him to spend and hour with his children rather than sports or pub would be so awful. Yes I am supportive and am doing lots to help with funeral and other stuff too

OP posts:
Eatentoomanyroses · 14/01/2023 21:28

My dh’s mum died suddenly a few weeks ago too. He was very close to her. He is still parenting our children as you would be doing at this stage (I suspect) even if you’d lost your mum.

SallyCinnamon12 · 14/01/2023 21:34

Life is dogshite really isn’t it.

even something as bad as losing a parent doesn’t earn you any respite from the absolute fucking drudgery of it all.

mrsm43s · 14/01/2023 21:35

SouthGate7 · 14/01/2023 20:46

When you are generally getting the crap end of the situation 90% of the time the sex doesn't make me feel any better in fact emotionally sometimes worse and probably not DH either to be honest

You're not getting the crap end of the situation. So very, very far from it. If you can't see that, then no-one can help you.

You seem to really resent stepping up to support your husband when he is going through the worst of times. I can't relate to this at all, and I think you sound terribly selfish tbh. Your husband's mother died 2 weeks ago, and all you can think about is how it inconveniences you.

I'm thanking my lucky stars tonight that neither my DH or I took your attitude. It would have been marriage destroying tbh. We needed so much support and love from each other to get through such a horrible time, and we were both happy to willingly support each other for however long was needed, as any loving partner would do in this situation.

LuluBlakey1 · 14/01/2023 21:39

I think he sounds selfish. He should want to spend time with you and the DC- you are his family. He needs a reminder.

BakingQueen14 · 14/01/2023 21:41

I don't think that he should be 'stepping up' with the children to help you as such but to help them. They've lost their nan and must have been aware to some degree (not sure of their ages) of something happening at home/within the family. Maybe it's different when you grieve and you have a partner as you know/expect they'll carry the load for a bit. I was single when my mum died so I had to carry on for DS regardless of what I felt like doing.