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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH grief

119 replies

SouthGate7 · 14/01/2023 08:41

We lost mil a few weeks ago after a longish stay in hospital. Unexpected illness but traumatic in watching her pass away.

We have two primary DC. Understandably and I am not complaining I have for several months been doing everything in the house working, kids bedtimes etc. No support from my family. I am helping sort things with him phone calls etc too. Been a general emotional punchbag too for 3 months. Late nights as he obviously wants to talk etc.

DH has been coping well as can be expected. He has this week started going to gym every day, he was out last night with a friend at a pub, he is out all afternoon today and Monday night out again.

I am pleased he is doing what he feels and encouraging him to see friends but am I unreasonable to feel a little hurt he hasn't suggested we go out for a drink/meal alone. Offered to take kids for hour to park ? Offered a little help with house things etc.

I am purely expecting to be told I am and I am really trying to be supportive but I haven't had a chance to process anything and I feel physically shattered as well as emotionally drained -obviously not on his scale

OP posts:
ThinWomansBrain · 14/01/2023 21:43

If he has recovered from his grief sufficiently do go down the pub with his mates and spend time at the gym, I'd be more concerned that he started pulling his weight in the house and with the children TBH

Original poster
SouthGate7 · 14/01/2023 21:55

mrsm43s · 14/01/2023 21:35

You're not getting the crap end of the situation. So very, very far from it. If you can't see that, then no-one can help you.

You seem to really resent stepping up to support your husband when he is going through the worst of times. I can't relate to this at all, and I think you sound terribly selfish tbh. Your husband's mother died 2 weeks ago, and all you can think about is how it inconveniences you.

I'm thanking my lucky stars tonight that neither my DH or I took your attitude. It would have been marriage destroying tbh. We needed so much support and love from each other to get through such a horrible time, and we were both happy to willingly support each other for however long was needed, as any loving partner would do in this situation.

Show quote history

It is crap for me too. Absolutely not on the same level and I have been supporting him if yiu read my posts. Throughout the previous months. Our children have also lost their DH and i am supporting them for quite a while they lost their DF, I am under no illusion that this is anywhere near what DH has lost . But after being together after 25 years I am simply asking for DH to maybe spend an hour with his children. IMaybe load the dishwasher ? If nothing strenuous or onerous.
You are choosing to ignore what I have written about the support if I didn't care I wouldn't help with details phone calls funeral help. Listening to him till 1 2 am every night -despite getting up for work -I never complained it's absolutely what marriage is for.

You don't state whether you have DC

I am just asking for the odd bit of assistance

OP posts:
gamerchick · 14/01/2023 21:56

mrsm43s · 14/01/2023 21:35

You're not getting the crap end of the situation. So very, very far from it. If you can't see that, then no-one can help you.

You seem to really resent stepping up to support your husband when he is going through the worst of times. I can't relate to this at all, and I think you sound terribly selfish tbh. Your husband's mother died 2 weeks ago, and all you can think about is how it inconveniences you.

I'm thanking my lucky stars tonight that neither my DH or I took your attitude. It would have been marriage destroying tbh. We needed so much support and love from each other to get through such a horrible time, and we were both happy to willingly support each other for however long was needed, as any loving partner would do in this situation.

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Out of interest, since it's been 3 months since the OP started carrying the whole load. How long should she continue to do that while basically doing the single parent thing well as provide sex as well? Is there a 'you're being selfish for even suggesting' timeline?

gamerchick · 14/01/2023 21:58

ThinWomansBrain · 14/01/2023 21:43

If he has recovered from his grief sufficiently do go down the pub with his mates and spend time at the gym, I'd be more concerned that he started pulling his weight in the house and with the children TBH

Well quite.

It's very easy to settle into a taking for granted mode of existence. Time to nip the fucker in the bud right there.

Original poster
SouthGate7 · 14/01/2023 21:58

BakingQueen14 · 14/01/2023 21:41

I don't think that he should be 'stepping up' with the children to help you as such but to help them. They've lost their nan and must have been aware to some degree (not sure of their ages) of something happening at home/within the family. Maybe it's different when you grieve and you have a partner as you know/expect they'll carry the load for a bit. I was single when my mum died so I had to carry on for DS regardless of what I felt like doing.

@BakingQueen14 they are 11 and 6 they are aware and were close to their DG. 11yr old has been very upset on and off

OP posts:
bobbytorq · 14/01/2023 22:00

Grief can be hard but it doesn't absolve him of being a hsband or parent.

Happin · 14/01/2023 22:06

Enfys1982 · 14/01/2023 16:39

Sorry OP but your whole post sounds totally selfish and you have managed to make it all about yourself and not your DH who has just lost his mother and is grieving. It’s very me, me, me. Two weeks is nothing in bereavement terms. I’m assuming that he is still sorting out his mothers affairs etc and organising a funeral which is why he is out a lot.

Feel awful saying but I have to agree with this. It's so raw at this stage! 2 weeks! The rest was watching her die.

Original poster
SouthGate7 · 14/01/2023 22:13

Happin · 14/01/2023 22:06

Feel awful saying but I have to agree with this. It's so raw at this stage! 2 weeks! The rest was watching her die.

Show quote history

He's not out a lot organising things as we have been doing a lot of this together on my one day off bar the odd appointment. He is out socialising or gym the rest of the time

OP posts:
Happin · 14/01/2023 22:24

It's not about organising things, it's about this being so raw

Original poster
SouthGate7 · 14/01/2023 22:26

Happin · 14/01/2023 22:24

It's not about organising things, it's about this being so raw

I do understand but that allows some parts of life and not the one at home. Please read the whole thread

OP posts:
Hont1986 · 14/01/2023 22:28

Jesus, imagine if a man posted on here that his wife's mum had died two weeks ago and he feels "a little hurt [s]he hasn't suggested we go out for a drink/meal alone".

If my DH started pushing for date nights two weeks after my mum died, I'd be looking up solicitors, genuinely. YABVU.

Original poster
SouthGate7 · 14/01/2023 22:42

Hont1986 · 14/01/2023 22:28

Jesus, imagine if a man posted on here that his wife's mum had died two weeks ago and he feels "a little hurt [s]he hasn't suggested we go out for a drink/meal alone".

If my DH started pushing for date nights two weeks after my mum died, I'd be looking up solicitors, genuinely. YABVU.

Bit more to it than a date night. Please read the posts before picking out the most ridiculous part only

OP posts:
mrsm43s · 14/01/2023 22:48

SouthGate7 · 14/01/2023 21:55

It is crap for me too. Absolutely not on the same level and I have been supporting him if yiu read my posts. Throughout the previous months. Our children have also lost their DH and i am supporting them for quite a while they lost their DF, I am under no illusion that this is anywhere near what DH has lost . But after being together after 25 years I am simply asking for DH to maybe spend an hour with his children. IMaybe load the dishwasher ? If nothing strenuous or onerous.
You are choosing to ignore what I have written about the support if I didn't care I wouldn't help with details phone calls funeral help. Listening to him till 1 2 am every night -despite getting up for work -I never complained it's absolutely what marriage is for.

You don't state whether you have DC

I am just asking for the odd bit of assistance

Show quote history

Yes, we have 2 children (school age), who lost 2 of their grandparents within 6 months.

It's been a horrific time for our whole family.

We've still managed to support each other.

I'm actually going to leave this thread now, because it's genuinely upsetting me. I'm still not OK tbh, 6 months + after my bereavement. Sometimes I think I am, but then threads like this make me cry, and so I realise that I'm really not.

I'm guessing that you haven't lost a parent, or you would have a bit more empathy for your DH right now. He spent 3 month watching his mother die, and two weeks after her death you want him to step up and relieve YOUR burden? Really?

JackieDaws · 14/01/2023 22:52

I'd be looking for a divorce if I was your husband.

GalwayShawl · 14/01/2023 22:59

Two weeks is absolutely nothing. OP the basic shock will not have worn off.

My mum died at the start of December and yet it’s only hitting me now even though we knew it was going to happen.

for context apparently I spent December in a state of bewilderment, drinking and unable to sleep. Was completely traumatised. Can’t remember much if it at all - I could barely function. Yes I would have loaded the dishwasher/washing machine and absolutely comforted my children etc but really it was minimal. All I cared about was making sure my kids were ok.

I am naturally quite proactive and not much of a wallower and it totally floored me. Will also add that grieving is very very TIRING. I am so exhausted. For weeks I couldn’t face supermarkets or people at all. I couldn’t think clearly or organise myself.

My husband arranged the funeral all the executor stuff did all housework childcare washing rugby kit - and a full time senior job - he did brilliantly and I am so grateful.

He is exhausted now and I’m stepping up.

We are six weeks in now and I’d say I’ve been 100% present as a parent:partner for the last couple of weeks. But yes it took a month.

However: I do think if he can face the gym, he can load a dishwasher. Give it another week or so.

somethingslastforever · 14/01/2023 23:01

bobbytorq · 14/01/2023 22:00

Grief can be hard but it doesn't absolve him of being a hsband or parent.

This was my thoughts. If the shoe was on the other foot I would doubt the OP could stop all mothering duties. With regards to time alone, what about a glass of wine and a takeaway at home, OP? I think it may be too soon for a 'date night'.

Original poster
SouthGate7 · 14/01/2023 23:03

mrsm43s · 14/01/2023 22:48

Yes, we have 2 children (school age), who lost 2 of their grandparents within 6 months.

It's been a horrific time for our whole family.

We've still managed to support each other.

I'm actually going to leave this thread now, because it's genuinely upsetting me. I'm still not OK tbh, 6 months + after my bereavement. Sometimes I think I am, but then threads like this make me cry, and so I realise that I'm really not.

I'm guessing that you haven't lost a parent, or you would have a bit more empathy for your DH right now. He spent 3 month watching his mother die, and two weeks after her death you want him to step up and relieve YOUR burden? Really?

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I have lost both my parents one aged 12 and one 2 years ago.

I think your situation is slightly different in that you were both grieving at the same time. I am sorry for your losses. But you do seem fixated on the negative points on my post

OP posts:
Original poster
SouthGate7 · 14/01/2023 23:05

GalwayShawl · 14/01/2023 22:59

Two weeks is absolutely nothing. OP the basic shock will not have worn off.

My mum died at the start of December and yet it’s only hitting me now even though we knew it was going to happen.

for context apparently I spent December in a state of bewilderment, drinking and unable to sleep. Was completely traumatised. Can’t remember much if it at all - I could barely function. Yes I would have loaded the dishwasher/washing machine and absolutely comforted my children etc but really it was minimal. All I cared about was making sure my kids were ok.

I am naturally quite proactive and not much of a wallower and it totally floored me. Will also add that grieving is very very TIRING. I am so exhausted. For weeks I couldn’t face supermarkets or people at all. I couldn’t think clearly or organise myself.

My husband arranged the funeral all the executor stuff did all housework childcare washing rugby kit - and a full time senior job - he did brilliantly and I am so grateful.

He is exhausted now and I’m stepping up.

We are six weeks in now and I’d say I’ve been 100% present as a parent:partner for the last couple of weeks. But yes it took a month.

However: I do think if he can face the gym, he can load a dishwasher. Give it another week or so.

I am sorry for your loss. I have been doing all your DH has been doing for 3 months too. Its very difficult. I am just asking for the occasional bedtime as DC haven't had this for months. I don't expect him to be fully present

OP posts:
Original poster
SouthGate7 · 14/01/2023 23:06

somethingslastforever · 14/01/2023 23:01

This was my thoughts. If the shoe was on the other foot I would doubt the OP could stop all mothering duties. With regards to time alone, what about a glass of wine and a takeaway at home, OP? I think it may be too soon for a 'date night'.

Show quote history

I obviously worded this incorrectly but I just meant to be alone together other than 1,2 am.

OP posts:
Original poster
SouthGate7 · 14/01/2023 23:07

JackieDaws · 14/01/2023 22:52

I'd be looking for a divorce if I was your husband.

Based on 2 weeks ignoring the past 20 years and 3 months.

Another poster not reading the whole thread

OP posts:
Tinkeytonkoldfruit · 14/01/2023 23:11

My DH lost his father this year, he was away a lot for the 3 months before his DF died and I did a lot to support and also keep everything afloat. I was very clear after his DF died that I was absolutely there to support him but also that I needed some time to reconnect with him and to feel less alone and that we needed as much as possible to get back to sharing parenting, as much for my DD as for me.

Happin · 14/01/2023 23:12

SouthGate7 · 14/01/2023 22:26

I do understand but that allows some parts of life and not the one at home. Please read the whole thread

Show quote history

Honestly I've read the whole thread, and I've just been through the same as your DH. I stand by my comments.

PennyRa · 14/01/2023 23:17

2 weeks is not nearly long enough to get back to "normal" after a traumatic loss. 2 months maybe

Original poster
SouthGate7 · 14/01/2023 23:20

Tinkeytonkoldfruit · 14/01/2023 23:11

My DH lost his father this year, he was away a lot for the 3 months before his DF died and I did a lot to support and also keep everything afloat. I was very clear after his DF died that I was absolutely there to support him but also that I needed some time to reconnect with him and to feel less alone and that we needed as much as possible to get back to sharing parenting, as much for my DD as for me.

Thank you. At last a post that I was trying to write. Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
SouthGate7 · 14/01/2023 23:20

PennyRa · 14/01/2023 23:17

2 weeks is not nearly long enough to get back to "normal" after a traumatic loss. 2 months maybe

I am not asking for normal

OP posts: