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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH grief

119 replies

SouthGate7 · 14/01/2023 08:41

We lost mil a few weeks ago after a longish stay in hospital. Unexpected illness but traumatic in watching her pass away.

We have two primary DC. Understandably and I am not complaining I have for several months been doing everything in the house working, kids bedtimes etc. No support from my family. I am helping sort things with him phone calls etc too. Been a general emotional punchbag too for 3 months. Late nights as he obviously wants to talk etc.

DH has been coping well as can be expected. He has this week started going to gym every day, he was out last night with a friend at a pub, he is out all afternoon today and Monday night out again.

I am pleased he is doing what he feels and encouraging him to see friends but am I unreasonable to feel a little hurt he hasn't suggested we go out for a drink/meal alone. Offered to take kids for hour to park ? Offered a little help with house things etc.

I am purely expecting to be told I am and I am really trying to be supportive but I haven't had a chance to process anything and I feel physically shattered as well as emotionally drained -obviously not on his scale

OP posts:

Original poster

SouthGate7 · 14/01/2023 23:22

Happin · 14/01/2023 23:12

Honestly I've read the whole thread, and I've just been through the same as your DH. I stand by my comments.

Show quote history

Did you go the pub with your friends ? Watch a match all afternoon and evening, go the gym every day ? This has been the past week and a half.

I am encouraging him to do this but also equally asking for some parenting occasionally as well.

OP posts:

Onnabugeisha · 14/01/2023 23:23

mrsm43s · 14/01/2023 18:56

But exercise, socialising and sex are all things that are good for mental health.

Cooking dinner/popping to supermarket/putting a load of washing on - not so much.

Sadly both DH and I were in the position of losing a parent in 2022. Neither of us were even close to being ready to snap back to normal TWO WEEKS after the death of our parent. Three months would probably be closer, although it was obviously a gradual process, and it will vary person to person. We absolutely were prioritising things that made us feel better, such as exercise, sex and socialising, because these were valid ways of comforting ourselves or giving moments of mental relief at an utterly shitty time when we felt miserable as sin. We encouraged each other to do so, because we deeply care about each other's mental and emotional well being and don't remotely resent stepping up to help each other in times of need.

I just can't imagine telling my DH just two weeks after his mum died that instead of going for a helpful, mind clearing run, he had to crack on with the housework because I no longer was prepared to carry the load for him. or that his grief was inconvenient to me. I did everything I possibly could to make his life easier, as he did later in the year when I sadly lost my dad.

Losing a parent is a horrible, horrible thing and no one else gets to tell you how long you are allow to grieve for or how you should do it. And a loving partner would be prepared to support you throughout in whichever way you need. And yes, of course it means the supporting partner carries a bigger load for a while, but that's all part of "for better or worse".

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👏👏👏👏
This^

Onnabugeisha · 14/01/2023 23:26

SouthGate7 · 14/01/2023 23:22

Did you go the pub with your friends ? Watch a match all afternoon and evening, go the gym every day ? This has been the past week and a half.

I am encouraging him to do this but also equally asking for some parenting occasionally as well.

Show quote history

They’re distractions because otherwise the grief swallows you whole. Grieving isn’t sobbing in bed all day, it’s desperately trying not to think about it but being constantly reminded. So, yes, everyone chooses some distraction that takes them away from life for a bit and is good for their mental well being.

Happin · 14/01/2023 23:28

SouthGate7 · 14/01/2023 23:22

Did you go the pub with your friends ? Watch a match all afternoon and evening, go the gym every day ? This has been the past week and a half.

I am encouraging him to do this but also equally asking for some parenting occasionally as well.

Show quote history

No I didn't, but if I did my DH would have understood. Because I was numb and vacant 2 weeks in, and totally riding the grief wave.

Onnabugeisha · 14/01/2023 23:29

gamerchick · 14/01/2023 21:56

Out of interest, since it's been 3 months since the OP started carrying the whole load. How long should she continue to do that while basically doing the single parent thing well as provide sex as well? Is there a 'you're being selfish for even suggesting' timeline?

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Because the daily grind is the “whole load”….losing your mum is nothing, not even the weight of a feather. Do you not realise how tone deaf and cold hearted you sound?

gamerchick · 14/01/2023 23:34

Onnabugeisha · 14/01/2023 23:29

Because the daily grind is the “whole load”….losing your mum is nothing, not even the weight of a feather. Do you not realise how tone deaf and cold hearted you sound?

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If you can do daily gym and socialising, you can be present in your kids lives. You don't get to opt out for months with no ending in sight. It's unfair on the rest of the household.

Onnabugeisha · 14/01/2023 23:36

gamerchick · 14/01/2023 23:34

If you can do daily gym and socialising, you can be present in your kids lives. You don't get to opt out for months with no ending in sight. It's unfair on the rest of the household.

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Obviously you haven’t RTFT.
He hasnt “opted out for months” of “daily gym and socialising” 🙄

Original poster

SouthGate7 · 14/01/2023 23:37

Happin · 14/01/2023 23:28

No I didn't, but if I did my DH would have understood. Because I was numb and vacant 2 weeks in, and totally riding the grief wave.

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I do understand but I can't understand how it can't be possible to spend a little time with his children - who for months havent hardly seen their DF and also lost their DG. DH has admitted some anticipatory grief has happened.

I am not expecting full engagement or stopping him doing his out of home things

OP posts:

Original poster

SouthGate7 · 14/01/2023 23:39

Onnabugeisha · 14/01/2023 23:26

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As I said I have encouraged this and am happy but is it really unfair to ask for one bedtime with his children or park trip ? Or unload a dishwasher ? Some minor things.

OP posts:

Original poster

SouthGate7 · 14/01/2023 23:40

Onnabugeisha · 14/01/2023 23:36

Obviously you haven’t RTFT.
He hasnt “opted out for months” of “daily gym and socialising” 🙄

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This has been for the past week and a half obviously previously was hospital visiting for months

OP posts:

Onnabugeisha · 14/01/2023 23:47

SouthGate7 · 14/01/2023 23:39

As I said I have encouraged this and am happy but is it really unfair to ask for one bedtime with his children or park trip ? Or unload a dishwasher ? Some minor things.

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I believe it would be because by doing so you are dictating a schedule for his grief. I see you’ve already lost your parents (as I have), so you know your grief would not have been identical or followed the same schedule afterwards in terms of when you were ready to pick up the threads of normal life for both of them.

No loss is the same for anyone, because every death is a unique event so how you were is not going to be how he is. As you’ve said you’ve had a strong relationship for 20yrs, you should by now be able trust him not to take the piss or take advantage of the situation.

If he has a history of taking advantage of you, then now is not the time to fight that battle. By all means address it, but two weeks after his mother has died a a long, slow death is not only not going to correct any pre-existing cracks in the relationship this is making more apparent, it’s going to drive a massive wedge into those cracks.

Onnabugeisha · 14/01/2023 23:48

SouthGate7 · 14/01/2023 23:40

This has been for the past week and a half obviously previously was hospital visiting for months

Show quote history

Exactly, gamerchick had it wrong.

Whiterose23 · 14/01/2023 23:49

People process in different ways and it sounds as if communication between you has lapsed.
I lost my mum 12 days ago and it feels as if I’ve been hit by a sledgehammer. I thought I’d prepared myself after a long illness but gosh I’ve been floored.
Due to circumstances I’ve not been at home much since and my husband has had to take on all responsibility for our day to day life.
I came home today and after a cuddle he sent me off for a bath and to not think about anything as he had it covered.
I have interacted with my children but I couldn’t tell you about any of our conversations apart from telling them I love them.
I’m in a complete fog, going through the motions and his support has honestly gotten my through the past couple of weeks.
He knows I’ll come out of the other side but at the moment he realises that if I don’t grieve now I’ll fall apart further down the line.
Please talk to your husband and try and work through how you’re both feeling

Happin · 14/01/2023 23:55

You are coming across as cold to be honest

RavenclawsPrincess · 15/01/2023 00:21

YABU after 2 weeks and 3 months watching someone slowly die.

Lots of reasons he might be suddenly going out more/going gym etc. You don’t see your friends much when you have a dying loved one to look after, you also don’t really take care of yourself much, so this is possibly him trying to redress that balance. Or he might be trying to distract himself. Many people don’t think very rationally in the immediate aftermath of a bereavement. And grief can be a very selfish thing. It’s very personal.

Does that mean he gets to check out of family life indefinitely? Absolutely not. If we were talking 3 months down the line I’d say he needs to be picking up a little more slack. But you haven’t even had the funeral yet.

Your feelings do matter too. Yes it’s hard juggling family life, a family bereavement and a grieving partner and kids. Yes, it can suck and feel like everything is on you. You have a right to feel how you feel, your role is hard in a different way too. Can anyone in your support network help out while you’re going through this, help support the kids, help you out with anything? Give you both a break? You are impacted in different ways.

Of course, if this situation is bringing up resentments about unfair division of labour that existed before the bereavement then that’s something that will have to be addressed in due course. I would not expect to be thanked immediately by a grieving partner for all I’d done to keep things going, but I would expect them to acknowledge it later when things were more settled. Perhaps that’s the time to bring up the inequalities and start on a new path.

Happin · 15/01/2023 00:28

A lot of people on this thread have said you're unreasonable. Hopefully you take that on board.

Aria999 · 15/01/2023 02:03

I think a more emotionally aware person than your DH would realize the demands they are placing on the other person and tries not to overdo it.

Yes he needs support and you are giving that. It would be helpful if he could acknowledge how hard that is.

DH was a rock when my mum died. Pre kids. His dad will die soon. I am determined to be there for him like he was for me. I know it will be hard. I know he won't make it harder than it needs to be.

Hang in there, I think it will get better, your needs are important too but it's probably too early to start saying so. Xx

BatshitCrazyWoman · 15/01/2023 06:54

Aria999 · 15/01/2023 02:03

I think a more emotionally aware person than your DH would realize the demands they are placing on the other person and tries not to overdo it.

Yes he needs support and you are giving that. It would be helpful if he could acknowledge how hard that is.

DH was a rock when my mum died. Pre kids. His dad will die soon. I am determined to be there for him like he was for me. I know it will be hard. I know he won't make it harder than it needs to be.

Hang in there, I think it will get better, your needs are important too but it's probably too early to start saying so. Xx

I agree with this. I'm on your side, OP. He can interact with his children for an hour at the park or whatever. He is still a father!

ladywithnomanors · 15/01/2023 06:58

2 weeks ? I still couldn't get out of bed 2 weeks after my Mum died.

Polkadotties · 15/01/2023 07:08

I don’t think I’ve ever read such a selfish self centred post.

MintJulia · 15/01/2023 07:12

I think he's choosing activities where he won't be expected to talk about his feelings. Working out at the gym or drinking pints with his mates is emotionally superficial. It's a start but it sounds like he still has a way to go yet.

Yanbu to feel a bit left out but don't take it to heart. Let him come to you in his own time.

Original poster

SouthGate7 · 15/01/2023 07:19

Happin · 15/01/2023 00:28

A lot of people on this thread have said you're unreasonable. Hopefully you take that on board.

I have taken on board all comments particularly the more reasoned ones. There are also a fair few people who agree. I like to read thought out reasoned advice taking in all information

OP posts:

strawbfield · 15/01/2023 07:19

What would have happened had the situation been reversed and you lost a parent?

Life doesn't fo on hold. He needs to get back to reality and find a way to function

Original poster

SouthGate7 · 15/01/2023 07:19

Polkadotties · 15/01/2023 07:08

I don’t think I’ve ever read such a selfish self centred post.

Perhaps you should read the whole thread then

OP posts:

Original poster

SouthGate7 · 15/01/2023 07:20

strawbfield · 15/01/2023 07:19

What would have happened had the situation been reversed and you lost a parent?

Life doesn't fo on hold. He needs to get back to reality and find a way to function

It did happen 2 years ago and I had to function and deal with the DC

OP posts:

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