DH grief

[SouthGate7]

We lost mil a few weeks ago after a longish stay in hospital. Unexpected illness but traumatic in watching her pass away.

We have two primary DC. Understandably and I am not complaining I have for several months been doing everything in the house working, kids bedtimes etc. No support from my family. I am helping sort things with him phone calls etc too. Been a general emotional punchbag too for 3 months. Late nights as he obviously wants to talk etc.

DH has been coping well as can be expected. He has this week started going to gym every day, he was out last night with a friend at a pub, he is out all afternoon today and Monday night out again.

I am pleased he is doing what he feels and encouraging him to see friends but am I unreasonable to feel a little hurt he hasn't suggested we go out for a drink/meal alone. Offered to take kids for hour to park ? Offered a little help with house things etc.

I am purely expecting to be told I am and I am really trying to be supportive but I haven't had a chance to process anything and I feel physically shattered as well as emotionally drained -obviously not on his scale

Thank you

Thank you sorry for loss

Yanbu.
He still has a children who’s needs must be met. How on earth would he cope if he was a single parent?

I wouldn't have a conversation with him about stepping up OP as that won't end well. Instead I'd just start gradually asking him to do more and more things. Put the ball in his court. Book some things which require you to be out and him to step up. Yes 2 weeks isn't long but if he's well enough to do all the stuff he likes the he's well enough to do some stuff he doesn't. He should want to spend time with his children especially now. They are also grieving - as are you.

I very much doubt he'd be doing everything if it was your parent who had died.

I am pleased he is doing what he feels able to and obviously this may change also too at any time

Sorry to sound mean, but he is very conveniently doing "what he is able to do" . going to the gym, the pub with mates etc. Meantime you are doing all the chores and hoping that he might change. In my world, I'd assume that a man who can pop off to the gym and the pub is ready for normal life and will start doing his share of the chores. Being bereaved doesn't give you a free pass to opt out of normal life.

I did. Your husband is grieving!

How were things for you OP when you lost your second parent 2 years ago? Would I be right in thinking that you more or less got on with it, and did your grieving in the quiet moments between the school run and the washing up?

My mum died in November and I was back in my home town for 2 weeks organising the funeral and dealing with her affairs. Then when I came home it was back to as normal as possible because I have two kids and it's been a shock to them as well.

Nothing is going to change the fact of my mother's death or the difficult circumstances around it but I have an influence on how it affects my kids. It's the longest I've ever been away from them.

OP, are your dcs likely to ask their df where grannie is? Are they likely to look for reassurance from him? Is he worried about breaking down and crying on them?

Is he trying to do the stiff upper lip thing in front of them and not yet sure he can manage?

Many dcs see daddy as the big strong tough one who will protect them against anything (because that is what our society portrays). They might be scared and frightened if he broke down on them. Maybe that is what he is avoiding.

Try to move to activities where you are all involved, so if he has a wobble, he can walk away and compose himself. But grief takes time and a lot of men are not good expressing emotions.

I’d love to know how many of the 14% YABU voters have actually lost a parent. Two weeks is nothing. I’m so glad I’m not married to any of you. Seriously.

OP is getting leapt on and all she wants is for him to do something minor around the house, she’s not asking for normal and full commitment. And to be honest going down the gym is a far healthier route to healing than sitting around drinking like I’ve been doing. Apparently physical activity is key to orocesssing grief. I couldn’t even drive in the immediate aftermath.

I think I agree mostly with this comment - how would he have dealt of he was a single parent? Because it seems to me that the situation was almost exactly reversed two years ago and he didn't step up at all, he left you to manage your grief while you were still functioning around the household tasks and children. Much as I've also suffered loss, and I'm aware people deal with grief in their own way and in their own time, I can understand you being pissed off with him, especially now that he's in the stage where he's trying to deal with his grief by doing things that were part of his routine before - looking after the children was presumably part of that, wasn't it? Tidying around, doing the shopping? All pretty normal things to take the load off his mind?

I would say the issue is a bigger one that you've detailed, he sounds like a pretty selfish person anyway, especially with regards to how he treated you when you were going suffering a loss.

I would say for the moment (if we isolate it to the issue at hand rather than the bigger picture) - just ask him to do things. Maybe start off small, just ask him to watch the kids while you pop out to the shop, or to go make the lunch while you make the beds, little tasks that will ease him back into the routine but that will also give you some of the help you need.

Because YOU also need help - it's hard to be that person who cares for everyone, you've got a household to run, and three grieving individuals to look after, as well as yourself when you're probably also grieving too. Ignore people calling you selfish, it's not selfish to have normal human needs like that, and it's not selfish in a two adult household to need/expect that other adult to put in, when they're capable of it. And it's he's capable of going to the pub, he's capable of playing with his children for a bit.

Hes grieving and stumbling through any way he can right now. 2 weeks is raw as fuck! Be a bit more understanding. For a week he has been the gym and pub, just 1 week. If he doesnt seem to check in now then I'd ask him if he wants to go out with you, or ask him to do something with the kids. But he has just been through trauma watching his Mum die and everyone deals with grief differently. You might have just cracked on, other people sink into the bottom of depression. Have a heart.

It's a no win situation. I'm with you OP, yes he is grieving but he has children who need him. His mum would not have wanted him to neglect them.

We lost fil in September and I came on this thread to try to find my own answers about grief but realized the post is not the same problem.

My dh has what you could describe as depression. He is sleeping far more than usual and always complaining of being tired. Takes multiple naps a day. Doesn’t seem to find joy in much at all. Very grumpy about the smallest of issues, seeing them much more negatively than they actually are. I’m starting to feel drained by it all and was wondering how long this phase will last. Not that he’s being unreasonable for feeling this way - but more of a mental timeline for me to get used to so I can brace myself.

Despite his grief, my dh jumped straight back into his obligations at home and work. My ds still takes naps, so he’s just napping when he naps. He’s picking the kids up as usual, helping get them dressed and ready in the morning, taking them to the playground, etc. it’s actually me who has encouraged him to go running or see friends more in the hope it will improve his mood. He came back from a concert saying he just couldn’t enjoy the music and even drinking a few beers he couldn’t feel drunk.

Not sure what situation i would prefer. Obviously I need dh to help around the home and I think if I didn’t push him he’d just lay in bed depressed. But if I could swap this long grief for a quick burst of going to the gym regularly and a few boozers down the pub I think I would have. Although you don’t know if my dhs phase is also waiting for you after this one I guess.

Also, I know one day in the future it’s going to be my turn and I hope my dh gives me the space to grieve in whatever way I need it. I dont think it’s as easy as snapping out of it - yet the family obligations don’t just disappear either.

I've just lost my Dad and DH picked up a lot of the slack because I had to be away to care for my parents. I haven't reacted like that coming home but if I had and DH wanted to change it, I would prefer he just asked for what he wanted rather than what he doesn't want. So maybe ask if he wants to do something together or suggest he puts the kids to bed to have some quality time with them (and get back to the routine!). We all deal with grief differently but a fact of life is that we eventually have to get back to the real world. Of course, talking therapy could also help once he has had chance to process all that has happened.

I don’t think you are unreasonable at all. It seems like there has been inequity with your relationship regarding domestic life which has been further compounded by this situation. Can I ask how was he in terms of support when your remaining parents died? Did he support you emotionally, take over household duties and look after the kids? Did you get the opportunity to invest in your mental health by going to the gym, meeting friends and going out? If the answer is no, I think this is where your feelings might be stemming from.

Thank you . I will try and talk

He is open with his feeling and we have sat together with the children and talked. They have had to process their DF being away for long periods and then their DG passing.

I am not asking him to return to full capacity at all. Just the odd hour here or there. I have encouraged him talking to his friends etc and can see the benefits of gym st and

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I have clearly read your posts. You have been supportive in the 3 months of your MIL illness and since she has died. You are not expecting your dh to be back to normal but to be a bit more present in yours and your kids lives. Or an acknowledgement that he is not.

I have lost my son and both my parents. I had to grieve and parent throughout. I still had responsibilities.

Thank you for your clear post. I am sorry for your losses