Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Someone who has an unplanned pregnancy has just as much of a right to express feelings feelings of shock and emotion as someone who deals with infertility that wants to share their struggles/sadness

113 replies

lemesser6 · 14/01/2023 02:31

We both have our feelings to work through. one is not greater than the other. i for tile people can share their sadness and people who have a suppress pregnancy can share their shock. If their unexpected upsets you then i've got news for you.

It seems like women who gave unplanned pregnancies are shamed to oblivion fir even mentioning "it was just so unexpected!" "we're not even trying" "i was just so surprised when i found out" why? why am i not allowed to express these feelings to others, just as infertile people express their struggles to others.

Although i obviously understand both sides can be traumatic, you don't have to hold space for everyone/every situation. If you are going through infertility it's totally ok to scroll past the post, block that person, or if it's said in real life flat out tell them " that sounds really hard and i care about you but i am NOT the person the person to come to about this". Although i don't think it's right to make a nasty comment or scold your real life friend. I think people should obviously talk to SOMEONE ELSE about how that made you feel like your partner, mum, neutral friend or a therapist.

As you can see i that was a bit of a rant but i just needed to get it off my chest because my friend has really upset me but i don't want to go into details.

OP posts:
michellet86 · 14/01/2023 02:33

Apologies for some of the typos

DrMarciaFieldstone · 14/01/2023 02:39

Well yes, but of course you would not be ranting about this to a person going through infertility struggles?

Theos · 14/01/2023 02:44

TLDR

Astaphorial · 14/01/2023 02:47

From my it would be like 'ffuuuuuuuukkkk! Why couldn't it just be cancer?!'

Which would probably offend a great many people. But fuck them, it's my body not theirs and I'm allowed to feel however I want.

Dowhahdiddy · 14/01/2023 02:48

I don’t understand any of this?

Astaphorial · 14/01/2023 02:50

Dowhahdiddy · 14/01/2023 02:48

I don’t understand any of this?

I'm assuming op means she can't even indicate that she 'might' not even want the child because people get all offended because 'some people can't have kids'.

Changechangychange · 14/01/2023 02:54

It’s fine to express all of that, but not to somebody who is going through infertility. Just as it is fine for a millionaire to stress about the best investment vehicle for their savings, but if they are complaining about this to somebody using a foodbank, they can’t really expect a positive response. And fine to complain about your mum ringing you too much, but not to somebody whose own mother has just died the week before.

OP, you have clearly being discussing your surprise pregnancy with your infertile friend, and she’s gone off at you. Entirely predictable, take your own advice and choose your audience more wisely next time.

HelterSkelter224 · 14/01/2023 03:13

You're absolutely being unreasonable. The difference is, infertile people expressing their sadness doesn't inflict pain on you. You can listen and empathise but otherwise move on with your life.

You ranting about an unplanned pregnancy to someone who would give anything to be in your shoes inflicts pain on that person. It reminds them that their body has continually failed them and they might never have what you have. It's likely that if you announced a pregnancy and we're happy about it they'd be sad for themselves but happy for you. You've no idea how many times that person has had to deal with those emotions.

It's painful to know that the thing that has consumed their entire being and every aspect of their lives for potentially years can happen so easily for others, and then for you to wish it hadn't happened can feel like a kick in the stomach. They might understand the difficulty you're facing and be able to sympathise but they'll have a hard time separating their own feelings because infertility is all-consuming and lonely and painful, for years.

As others have said, by all means be upset about this life-changing news. But choose your audience. And be kinder to your friend.

Angliski · 14/01/2023 03:15

HelterSkelter224 · 14/01/2023 03:13

You're absolutely being unreasonable. The difference is, infertile people expressing their sadness doesn't inflict pain on you. You can listen and empathise but otherwise move on with your life.

You ranting about an unplanned pregnancy to someone who would give anything to be in your shoes inflicts pain on that person. It reminds them that their body has continually failed them and they might never have what you have. It's likely that if you announced a pregnancy and we're happy about it they'd be sad for themselves but happy for you. You've no idea how many times that person has had to deal with those emotions.

It's painful to know that the thing that has consumed their entire being and every aspect of their lives for potentially years can happen so easily for others, and then for you to wish it hadn't happened can feel like a kick in the stomach. They might understand the difficulty you're facing and be able to sympathise but they'll have a hard time separating their own feelings because infertility is all-consuming and lonely and painful, for years.

As others have said, by all means be upset about this life-changing news. But choose your audience. And be kinder to your friend.

This.

plus us infertiles also wonder, with astonishment, how grown adults, have forgotten how children are made and have, mostly, failed to take precautions and then been astonished at the result.

Berrystraw · 14/01/2023 03:20

YABU

You clearly told an infertile friend how hard your unplanned pregnancy is/was and they, understandably, have got upset.

Take it on the chin, you were in the wrong, and learn from the experience. Part of being human is getting things wrong, reflecting on it and doing it differently next time. Maybe apologise to your friend?

StinkyWizzleteets · 14/01/2023 03:36

You are expecting to get burnt in this threat OP, arent you?

There’s a world of difference between ranting to someone who reveals their struggles with infertility beforehand so you’re aware of them and do it anyway, and ranting to someone you have no idea about their fertility status When it’s the former it’s insensitive but when it’s the latter you can’t be expected to have known but stop when you do.

Women who struggle to conceive, in a society who only consider fertile women worthy (wait until menopause to see how attitudes change when your fertile worth is gone) is really hard. From birth motherhood is shoved down girls throats and many many women can’t achieve that and it causes huge problems for them and immense
pain. You have no imperative to respect that but it says a lot about you if you don’t.

Accidental pregnancies can be dealt with if unwanted in a number of ways. The shock of an accidental pregnancy is huge (I’ve been there) but only to you really. To the rest of the world you’re just another fertile female doing what society expects of you. In reality no one cares about your new pregnancy. It’s only special to you (be that for good or bad reasons) and while some friends may be happy to discuss the shock - believe
me I know it’s a shock - many expect you to know how babies are made and if you don’t take all necessary precautions (pill or condoms alone are not 100%) then it’s a risk you take having sex.

It’s a cruel world for women. You can’t win either way. Find someone who doesn’t mind listening who can pop out as many kids as they fancy and rant to them and you’ll get more of a sympathetic ear.

DoneWithHer · 14/01/2023 03:39

us infertiles also wonder, with astonishment, how grown adults, have forgotten how children are made and have, mostly, failed to take precautions and then been astonished at the result.

Sorry but no precaution or combination of precautions is 100% effective! Not everyone who has an unplanned pregnancy had completely unprotected sex, in fact I would argue that the use of your "mostly" is extremely untrue and a lot of people had taken some sort of precaution! I think this is probably the attitude that the OP is alluding to in her post!

TulaDoesTheHula · 14/01/2023 03:41

Aren't you the poster who started a thread last week saying people should not do IVF but use that money to adopt instead?

Scurryfunge12 · 14/01/2023 03:45

Angliski · 14/01/2023 03:15

This.

plus us infertiles also wonder, with astonishment, how grown adults, have forgotten how children are made and have, mostly, failed to take precautions and then been astonished at the result.

Show quote history

Yep - I totally agree. Get some empathy and self awareness, OP. You come across self absorbed. Why would you say this to an infertile friend and then get annoyed when she gets upset?

EvenleyWitch · 14/01/2023 04:15

Astaphorial · 14/01/2023 02:47

From my it would be like 'ffuuuuuuuukkkk! Why couldn't it just be cancer?!'

Which would probably offend a great many people. But fuck them, it's my body not theirs and I'm allowed to feel however I want.

I don't think sAying you'd rather have cancer, and if people who do have cancer confront you on how you don't know the reality of it, then fvck them, is really the way you want to come across. Don't say things like that because you have no idea what you'd prfer to have if you've never experienced what it's like to have if.

StalkedByASpider · 14/01/2023 04:18

Angliski · 14/01/2023 03:15

This.

plus us infertiles also wonder, with astonishment, how grown adults, have forgotten how children are made and have, mostly, failed to take precautions and then been astonished at the result.

Show quote history

Mmmm, bit judgey eh?

I fall into the category of having an unplanned pregnancy. I was on the Mini-Pill and took it religiously. Having relied on this form of contraception for pretty much my entire adult life, I was shocked to discover that I was pregnant 13 years ago at the age of 34.

We're not all shagging recklessly without a care to the potential consequences.

As for the OP, yes, it's horribly tone-deaf to be complaining about an unwanted pregnancy within earshot of someone struggling with their fertility. It's bloody awful actually. And then to come on MN ranting about your equal right to let off steam really does reek of someone who can't see past their own navel.

PinkSyCo · 14/01/2023 04:25

It’s fine to express shock at an accidental pregnancy but if you’re moaning on and on to an infertile friend then that’s downright cruel! And I say that as someone who has had two ‘surprise’ babies.

PinkSyCo · 14/01/2023 04:26

Astaphorial · 14/01/2023 02:47

From my it would be like 'ffuuuuuuuukkkk! Why couldn't it just be cancer?!'

Which would probably offend a great many people. But fuck them, it's my body not theirs and I'm allowed to feel however I want.

You sound nice.

Remaker · 14/01/2023 04:30

It really comes down to one question: did you know, or suspect, your friend is having fertility issues? If you did YABU and quite cruel to vent about your surprise pregnancy. If you truly had no idea then I’d apologise most sincerely.

There is also a big difference between a surprise ‘we weren’t even trying’ pregnancy which is still good news and a surprise ‘contraception failed’ pregnancy which you are very unhappy about. The first is just a light hearted bit of conversation you might have with close friends or relatives who have kids of their own. The second you would be looking for a confidante and obviously you’ve not chosen well.

Nicecow · 14/01/2023 04:31

YANBU, assuming of course you are not ranting to an infertile friend ... because that would be VVU

Cnidarian · 14/01/2023 04:32

Did you know your friend was struggling with infertility when you said these things?

CircleofWillis · 14/01/2023 04:32

Astaphorial · 14/01/2023 02:47

From my it would be like 'ffuuuuuuuukkkk! Why couldn't it just be cancer?!'

Which would probably offend a great many people. But fuck them, it's my body not theirs and I'm allowed to feel however I want.

Don't talk shite!

BigChesterDraws · 14/01/2023 04:37

Unplanned pregnancy? Do you need a diagram to help understand how it happened? If you’re having sex, a baby is always a possible outcome. No contraception is perfect.

Nimbostratus100 · 14/01/2023 04:49

YAB extremely unreasonable

Someone shocked and upset at being pregnant, who is going through with that pregnancy, is sending words and responses out into the world that they can never take back. How is that going to affect the child? You are publicly negative about the existence of your child, you are just not. No good can possibly come of it for the child.

You are speaking out against a defenceless baby, your infertile friend is doing the exact opposite, speaking out of wanting a nd love for a baby that may never come into existence, but if it does, has only been spoken about lovingly.

So YABU becasue neither of you are speaking about just yourself, and the effect on you, but on someone else too, who you should be the main carer and advocate for

StarsSand · 14/01/2023 04:52

HelterSkelter224 · 14/01/2023 03:13

You're absolutely being unreasonable. The difference is, infertile people expressing their sadness doesn't inflict pain on you. You can listen and empathise but otherwise move on with your life.

You ranting about an unplanned pregnancy to someone who would give anything to be in your shoes inflicts pain on that person. It reminds them that their body has continually failed them and they might never have what you have. It's likely that if you announced a pregnancy and we're happy about it they'd be sad for themselves but happy for you. You've no idea how many times that person has had to deal with those emotions.

It's painful to know that the thing that has consumed their entire being and every aspect of their lives for potentially years can happen so easily for others, and then for you to wish it hadn't happened can feel like a kick in the stomach. They might understand the difficulty you're facing and be able to sympathise but they'll have a hard time separating their own feelings because infertility is all-consuming and lonely and painful, for years.

As others have said, by all means be upset about this life-changing news. But choose your audience. And be kinder to your friend.

This.

You sound quite self centred TBH OP.

Is this maybe a toxic friendship that's run it's course?