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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Someone who has an unplanned pregnancy has just as much of a right to express feelings feelings of shock and emotion as someone who deals with infertility that wants to share their struggles/sadness

113 replies

lemesser6 · 14/01/2023 02:31

We both have our feelings to work through. one is not greater than the other. i for tile people can share their sadness and people who have a suppress pregnancy can share their shock. If their unexpected upsets you then i've got news for you.

It seems like women who gave unplanned pregnancies are shamed to oblivion fir even mentioning "it was just so unexpected!" "we're not even trying" "i was just so surprised when i found out" why? why am i not allowed to express these feelings to others, just as infertile people express their struggles to others.

Although i obviously understand both sides can be traumatic, you don't have to hold space for everyone/every situation. If you are going through infertility it's totally ok to scroll past the post, block that person, or if it's said in real life flat out tell them " that sounds really hard and i care about you but i am NOT the person the person to come to about this". Although i don't think it's right to make a nasty comment or scold your real life friend. I think people should obviously talk to SOMEONE ELSE about how that made you feel like your partner, mum, neutral friend or a therapist.

As you can see i that was a bit of a rant but i just needed to get it off my chest because my friend has really upset me but i don't want to go into details.

OP posts:
Superstorefan123 · 14/01/2023 08:17

It’s all about knowing your audience (both ways…)

I wouldn’t moan to a pregnant friend about how terrifying and soul destroying seeing my dead baby on a scan was (as I wouldn’t want to scare them)

I wouldn’t expect them to moan to me about how crap morning sickness is (when I’m desperately wishing to experience any pregnancy symptoms)

All about being considerate.

Whatnextarghhhhhh · 14/01/2023 08:18

There are two sets of women I don't engage with in chit chat, those who are infertile and those with twins.
It's just a minefield to skirt around their feelings.

So you would ditch a friend that had twins? Nice.

Tricolette · 14/01/2023 08:38

Whatnextarghhhhhh · 14/01/2023 08:18

There are two sets of women I don't engage with in chit chat, those who are infertile and those with twins.
It's just a minefield to skirt around their feelings.

So you would ditch a friend that had twins? Nice.

Don't be ridiculous.

PissedOffNeighbour22 · 14/01/2023 08:41

@tenbob You really don't read much on here do you. I've seen several posts pulled due to the OP getting upset at being told they're awful for wanting a termination. It's not at all a supportive place to post.

At least you clarified you're an uncaring person and cheers for doubling down on the insults. As I said, some people can have an opinion and others aren't allowed. I'm clearly in the second group.

Of course it's only me in the wrong. You throwing insults at a stranger behind a keyboard is totally normal behaviour 🙄. Probably normal behaviour in your totally normal friendship group too. You sound delightful to be around.

MrsF111 · 14/01/2023 08:42

Changechangychange · 14/01/2023 02:54

It’s fine to express all of that, but not to somebody who is going through infertility. Just as it is fine for a millionaire to stress about the best investment vehicle for their savings, but if they are complaining about this to somebody using a foodbank, they can’t really expect a positive response. And fine to complain about your mum ringing you too much, but not to somebody whose own mother has just died the week before.

OP, you have clearly being discussing your surprise pregnancy with your infertile friend, and she’s gone off at you. Entirely predictable, take your own advice and choose your audience more wisely next time.

100% this!

gogohmm · 14/01/2023 08:43

Knowing about biology and being a fully fledged adult eg in your 40's doesn't mean you are perfect, you can have a whoops, and yes it can be devastating. Both situations are not ideal and both have the right to complain but it's not sensitive to complain to someone struggling with infertility that you accidentally got pregnant!

Lovethatforyou · 14/01/2023 08:52

You’re right - no one person’s feelings trump another’s. Our feelings are valid and important. But we can all make an effort to be considerate and kind.

Also imo, there is not much worse than wanting a baby that never comes. There are somethings, of course. But not much.

It’s an all consuming grief that doesn’t ease in time - devastating, painful and completely soul-destroying. Everything hurts. When it happened to me I wanted to live in a forest with no contact with people so I could just be alone with my pain rather than having to feel jealousy and bitterness and sadness towards other people who could do what I couldn’t. I didn’t think I’d survive it.
If you know you know.

Having been through it and come out of the other side over ten years later I’d always give someone going through infertility a break, leeway, extra understanding and forgiveness.

tenbob · 14/01/2023 09:01

PissedOffNeighbour22 · 14/01/2023 08:41

@tenbob You really don't read much on here do you. I've seen several posts pulled due to the OP getting upset at being told they're awful for wanting a termination. It's not at all a supportive place to post.

At least you clarified you're an uncaring person and cheers for doubling down on the insults. As I said, some people can have an opinion and others aren't allowed. I'm clearly in the second group.

Of course it's only me in the wrong. You throwing insults at a stranger behind a keyboard is totally normal behaviour 🙄. Probably normal behaviour in your totally normal friendship group too. You sound delightful to be around.

If any of your posts here are supposed to be dispelling the myth that you’re cold and have a very weird take on normal human behaviour, I’m afraid they aren’t succeeding.

Best of luck with everything 💐

PissedOffNeighbour22 · 14/01/2023 09:11

@tenbob No they're no. It's not my thread, I'm just showing my support for the OP who is getting a hard time (not that she's come back).

I hope you can show more empathy for others in future instead of just insulting them.

Best of luck with everything Flowers

GreyGoose1980 · 14/01/2023 09:13

PinkSyCo · 14/01/2023 04:25

It’s fine to express shock at an accidental pregnancy but if you’re moaning on and on to an infertile friend then that’s downright cruel! And I say that as someone who has had two ‘surprise’ babies.

This.

HelterSkelter224 · 14/01/2023 09:17

Lovethatforyou · 14/01/2023 08:52

You’re right - no one person’s feelings trump another’s. Our feelings are valid and important. But we can all make an effort to be considerate and kind.

Also imo, there is not much worse than wanting a baby that never comes. There are somethings, of course. But not much.

It’s an all consuming grief that doesn’t ease in time - devastating, painful and completely soul-destroying. Everything hurts. When it happened to me I wanted to live in a forest with no contact with people so I could just be alone with my pain rather than having to feel jealousy and bitterness and sadness towards other people who could do what I couldn’t. I didn’t think I’d survive it.
If you know you know.

Having been through it and come out of the other side over ten years later I’d always give someone going through infertility a break, leeway, extra understanding and forgiveness.

❤️

EggsActly · 14/01/2023 09:32

Of course you should be able to express your feelings, OP. Just NOT to someone you know is struggling with infertility.

I can’t stand the judgement I see on some threads when women find themselves unexpectedly pregnant. And it does exist, you’re right.

I’ve had two ‘accidental’ pregnancies in the 30 years I’ve been sexually active, 16 years apart. They were both really difficult to deal with emotionally, and in both cases they were genuine contraceptive failures - not me being careless and irresponsible, which some snotty posters on MN seem to level at any woman who finds herself in this situation.

In both cases, I terminated. That was my choice and my right, and I was allowed to feel a lot of mixed emotions about it.

However, I wouldn’t have talked about my situation with someone I knew was struggling to conceive. In fact, I didn’t. I had a good friend going through her third round of IVF when I had the second unexpected pregnancy and subsequent abortion, and I didn’t tell her about it until a very, very long time afterwards. It would have been totally inappropriate to share my ‘whoops, aren’t I so fertile?!’ experience with someone who didn’t know if she would ever be able to have a child. I got pregnant the first time I tried when I did want children - every time - and I also wouldn’t have shared that with friends who had fertility issues.

Come on, it’s just common sense and not being an arsehole!

Muddays · 14/01/2023 09:46

@lemesser6 well, if you've been weirdly strong enough to read the responses and get this far well done.
I'm actually going to defend you here and hopefully help both sides get a little perspective back.
Firstly let's state the obvious.
It's not acceptable, e.g, as a first time metal detectorist to flaunt discovering the treasure of the sierra madre when next to a more experienced, exhausted one who has found their thousandth ring pull or bottle top. It's mean, because life really can be a cruel lottery, luck, chance etc.
However, those who want to have children are prepared for and embrace the vast responsibility, awesome challenges and changes, life and health changing future that a child will bring.
It's absolutely terrifying for someone who isn't prepared for this and I respect anyone who recognises how much their life will change because it means they're taking it seriously and will hopefully be good parents as a result.
It's not something anyone has any right to assume should be greeted with unabashed joy.
Pregnancy, birth and what follows is glamorised. It's flaming tough, and can destroy the best of people's idealism. Not everyone has a successful birth and an unexpected pregnancy involves many unknown outcomes.
So back off ladies. The OP is allowed to be afraid of the future just as her friend is.

Tandora · 14/01/2023 11:31

Lovethatforyou · 14/01/2023 08:52

You’re right - no one person’s feelings trump another’s. Our feelings are valid and important. But we can all make an effort to be considerate and kind.

Also imo, there is not much worse than wanting a baby that never comes. There are somethings, of course. But not much.

It’s an all consuming grief that doesn’t ease in time - devastating, painful and completely soul-destroying. Everything hurts. When it happened to me I wanted to live in a forest with no contact with people so I could just be alone with my pain rather than having to feel jealousy and bitterness and sadness towards other people who could do what I couldn’t. I didn’t think I’d survive it.
If you know you know.

Having been through it and come out of the other side over ten years later I’d always give someone going through infertility a break, leeway, extra understanding and forgiveness.

❤️

AramintaLee · 14/01/2023 11:44

It's a matter of empathy and sensitivity.

I don't want children and am using contraception to avoid it as much as possible, but if I fell pregnant I wouldn't be broadcasting my feelings of disappointment and my termination plans to someone who was having fertility struggles.

Calphurnia88 · 14/01/2023 11:55

I'm not quite clear on what has triggered this post, but of course you have a right to express your shock at an unplanned pregnancy. How you express it matters though, or at least it does if you want to be considerate of other people's feelings.

There's a big difference announcing your surprise pregnancy on Facebook (you mention social media) and seeking out someone you know has fertility issues to talk about your surprise pregnancy.

Which one is it?

SBHon · 14/01/2023 11:55

It’s a bit like a millionaire complaining they don’t know what to do about tax or investments to someone on the breadline.

Both people have problems and they’re both valid. But obviously it would be nice to be considerate about who you vent your problems to.

fitzwilliamdarcy · 14/01/2023 11:57

For me it depends on whether it’s a case of “oh God I need to have an abortion and I’m scared shitless” - in which case I’ll absolutely listen and help - or “oh my God I managed to get pregnant without even trying, that’s so surprising, did you know women can get pregnant so easily, or am I some kind of fertile superhero, it’s all so SURPRISING in me land right now!” - in which case I won’t.

Appreciate everyone’s mileage is different though. And I’m in a weird category of childfree and infertile though the latter came with significant medical trauma so I’m sensitive to unusual things compared to most maybe.

Inastatus · 14/01/2023 12:01

@lemesser6 I think you should follow your own advice -
“I think people should obviously talk to SOMEONE ELSE about how that made you feel like your partner, mum, neutral friend or a therapist”.

Totally unreasonable and insensitive to offload on to your friend who is struggling with infertility. I remember the pain that every pregnancy announcement caused me when I was dealing with miscarriages. Only a couple of close friends knew about my fertility issues and when one of them got pregnant she cried for me when she very gently told me that she was expecting. Of course I was happy for her but it still felt like I’d been punched in the stomach. I don’t think you are a true friend to this woman.

Thesonglastslonger · 14/01/2023 12:02

Yabvu.

Sparklybanana · 14/01/2023 12:07

Yabu. I've been on both sides but infertility is much worse.
Infertility means your entire future and dreams the way you've always assumed it'd happen may not happen. It goes against the 'norm' so if you never end up having children, your pain will be dragged up in future conversations until you die. Holidays and more money do not replace the ghostly sounds of children that never were, laughing when you sit and think what your life could have been.
Having an unexpected pregnancy will not bring you long term emotional pain as everything will normalise. No one bats an eye lid if you say you have 2 children when you were only planning 1.
Even if you have an abortion - it is still a choice you made. Infertility is not a choice.
I absolutely understand how painful it is to see pregnant women, prams and newborns when it's not happened for you. Add on complaining about being pregnant and the worst jealousy you've ever felt x 100 is hard to keep in check.
For all those who are in this right now - I hope it works out for you. X

DuplicateUserName · 14/01/2023 12:10

Spyral · 14/01/2023 06:19

I noticed this. I think it's a name change fail on the part of the OP...

@lemesser6 @michellet86 ??

Show quote history

And quite the controversial poster in both of those NNs...

Calphurnia88 · 14/01/2023 12:15

fitzwilliamdarcy · 14/01/2023 11:57

For me it depends on whether it’s a case of “oh God I need to have an abortion and I’m scared shitless” - in which case I’ll absolutely listen and help - or “oh my God I managed to get pregnant without even trying, that’s so surprising, did you know women can get pregnant so easily, or am I some kind of fertile superhero, it’s all so SURPRISING in me land right now!” - in which case I won’t.

Appreciate everyone’s mileage is different though. And I’m in a weird category of childfree and infertile though the latter came with significant medical trauma so I’m sensitive to unusual things compared to most maybe.

I agree with you.

It's unclear if OP is talking about a pregnancy that is unplanned but she is going ahead with happily, or a pregnancy that is unplanned and she is now considering her options about (in which case a handhold from a friend is needed, although whether that should be a friend experiencing fertility issues is questionable).

burnoutbabe · 14/01/2023 12:20

LemonBounce · 14/01/2023 07:02

This is a really difficult one. I think if it's a very close friend who you share everything with AND the unplanned pregnancy is a bad shock and will cause you lots of problems (e.g. maybe there's a bad relationship with the dad, you're living somewhere not fit for a baby) - then you should be able to share. Friendship is two way and you also need support. But you need to be really mindful of how difficult and deep the pain of infertility is too.

Yes I was assuming it was that sort of situation-unexpected pregnancy in difficult situation (just been dumped) and no one to discuss with bar best mate -who is married and trying for a baby.

Not married couple with a happy accident.

Who else does the single pregnant person discuss it with if not best mate? (With caveats if she has just suffered from a miscarriage)

Dowhahdiddy · 14/01/2023 12:21

Why are you ranting to someone who is ttc that you’re up the duff and don’t want it? Keep quiet and go have an abortion? And improve your contraception methods.