Someone who has an unplanned pregnancy has just as much of a right to express feelings feelings of shock and emotion as someone who deals with infertility that wants to share their struggles/sadness

[lemesser6]

We both have our feelings to work through. one is not greater than the other. i for tile people can share their sadness and people who have a suppress pregnancy can share their shock. If their unexpected upsets you then i've got news for you.

It seems like women who gave unplanned pregnancies are shamed to oblivion fir even mentioning "it was just so unexpected!" "we're not even trying" "i was just so surprised when i found out" why? why am i not allowed to express these feelings to others, just as infertile people express their struggles to others.

Although i obviously understand both sides can be traumatic, you don't have to hold space for everyone/every situation. If you are going through infertility it's totally ok to scroll past the post, block that person, or if it's said in real life flat out tell them " that sounds really hard and i care about you but i am NOT the person the person to come to about this". Although i don't think it's right to make a nasty comment or scold your real life friend. I think people should obviously talk to SOMEONE ELSE about how that made you feel like your partner, mum, neutral friend or a therapist.

As you can see i that was a bit of a rant but i just needed to get it off my chest because my friend has really upset me but i don't want to go into details.

@tenbob If that's one of the coldest oddest things you've ever read on MN then you must not read many posts.

I'll give you some further info for you to decide if I'm cold and odd.
I posted on here when I first got pregnant. I'd been taking tablets that specified i must not get pregnant due to the high risk of deformity. Fine, I wasn't having unprotected sex - except I then DID get pregnant. I was advised to consider termination. I'd heard of MN so decided it might be a good idea to ask for help from people who might have been through the same thing. BIG MISTAKE.
The hate I received was very upsetting. Apparently I'm a disgusting person for considering aborting a possible severely disabled and deformed child. People didn't hold back and I was told that I absolutely MUST carry that child to term as some women don't get that opportunity and I must take their feelings into account. Their feelings should absolutely trump mine. I had to leave MN after being hounded off - as a first time user I didn't know I could report the nasty twats.
So I then had to deal with the termination plus all the nastiness going round my head.

Personally I find those people cold and odd. Maybe you were one of the twats that posted on my thread.

It took me a couple of years to try MN again when I needed help after a horrific birth which caused PTSD. I frequently wonder why I came back as people are berated for their opinions if they dare to differ from the standard view. Just because I don't feel the need to ask friends for their every thought doesn't mean I'm 'cold', 'odd' and 'deeply deeply weird' but thanks for making me feel like shit. It's people like you that make me not want to have extremely close friendships because deep down, a lot of people are just plain nasty. I won't hold my breath for an apology as you don't seem the type to take other people's views into consideration.

@tenbob oh, and maybe read my post properly before insulting me.
I did state that I'd have been happy to discuss anything with her that she wanted - as a friend would. How is that drawing a red line that no one can share a problem with me. Maybe work on your reading skills.

This is a really difficult one. I think if it's a very close friend who you share everything with AND the unplanned pregnancy is a bad shock and will cause you lots of problems (e.g. maybe there's a bad relationship with the dad, you're living somewhere not fit for a baby) - then you should be able to share. Friendship is two way and you also need support. But you need to be really mindful of how difficult and deep the pain of infertility is too.

Well I assume you're not stupid or insensitive and you're therefore not expressing these feelings to people you know to be struggling with infertility. That being the case, perhaps you need to talk to a different friend. Not everyone is great in every situation.

That doesn’t even make any sense, adoption (in the UK at least) doesn’t have a cost attached to it, apart from needing to take adoption leave which is the same amount of time as maternity leave and employers provide the same financial support for both.

Wishing you had cancer instead is just spectacularly stupid. A pregnancy can be quickly dealt with, often with just a couple of pills. Many cancers, like the one that killed my mum a week after diagnosis, not so much.

This is such bullshit. You are aware that one of these problems can be 'cured' by taking a one-off pill right?

And would you express this feeling to a cancer patient?

@StalkedByASpider that's really sad. Illustrates a point about empathy and kindness so well. I hope I could be that understanding in the same situation. ❤️

Infertility is 100 times worse than an unplanned pregnancy

Ime often and understandably people with infertility don't share this very private issue.
If OP has expressed her concerns about being unexpectedly pregnant and it has upset another person who is infertile then unless OP knew it's a regrettable situation.
Many years ago an ex work colleague returned to see a manager. I didn't like this particular person but as she was chatting in reception I felt I had to say hello. She was discussing a pregnant friend. Stupidly, I accept, I asked if she was thinking of starting a family and she curtly told me I should keep my nose out of other people's business.
I learned my lesson never to ask but I never forgot how nasty she was and whilst I realise it was coming from a place of pain there was no need for the rudeness.

There are two sets of women I don't engage with in chit chat, those who are infertile and those with twins.
It's just a minefield to skirt around their feelings.

Exactly this, assuming you were aware of your friend's struggles.

@PissedOffNeighbour22 i also found your post cold and odd. You expressed a callous lack of empathy towards people struggling with fertility, which is one of the most painful/ soul destroying/ isolating / life changes challenges a person could have. You say you were once told that you might be infertile, but you also said you didn’t want children, so clearly you don’t have personal experience of the type of struggle I’m describing.
I’m sorry to hear of your termination and traumatic birth, and of your experience on mumsnet, but that has very little relevance to OP’s post. I’m also surprised that people would tell you you had to keep the pregnancy as (as pp said) mumsnet is very pro choice, but maybe things were different in the past? Maybe you posted your question as oddly and obtusely as your comments on this thread and that’s what people were reacting to?

It isn't a minefield not to ask people about their family plans. It's common sense and you admit you were foolish in asking the question. You were rude and hurtful too, albeit unintentionally.

So now you never talk to infertile people? How do you even know who they are? Do you really not know what you shouldn't say to someone whom you know to be struggling to conceive?

I totally get you and I'm so glad you posted this. YANBU. You can only understand if you've been through it.

@ReneBumsWombats
So now you never talk to infertile people? How do you even know who they are? Do you really not know what you shouldn't say to someone whom you know to be struggling to conceive?

No, not about dc and family life I don't. In most workplaces that is often the topic of conversation. As this whole thread has demonstrated some infertile people don't want to mention it at all others may want to, how would I know without potentially upsetting that person?

If you were telling an infertile person, then maybe a tad insensitive.

However, if it were two different situations, then that’s fine. No one has top trumps over emotions.

Has someone said to you that someone unexpectedly finding themselves pregnant shouldn’t feel shocked and emotional, and that an infertile person has ‘more rights’ to feel emotional? The two situations are perfectly valid.

Amazing how infertile people need spaces to discuss but anyone with an unplanned pregnancy is seen to be "ranting" and "has choices"

choices?

Keep an unplanned baby and alter the course of your life bring them into a potential not the greatest situation or kill it.....can you live with the abortion? Can you live with yourself? Everyone talks about it not being a baby just a bunch of cells it's a few pills and a heavy period but that's just the physical part whereas the emotional part? it doesn't matter that logically its a bunch of cells no bigger than a grain of rice part of you still might wonder what it would look like boy or girl did you make the right choice it goes on and on

Why can't women all women support each other why does one need for a safe speaking place top the other?

I wouldn't ever talk about children to someone I knew was struggling with infertility and I'd never ask anyone about their plans to have children. It's not a minefield, it's pretty obvious!

YABU

But you don't always know that someone is infertile and you can't ask. As you've rightly pointed out.
So saying oh little baby t did this yesterday would be so easy to say and accidentally upset another person.
If someone is suffering with infertility then I'm afraid they will get upset on a daily basis because dc are the most important thing to parents. And discussing family life is the norm.
Very harsh but true.

You’re absolutely right. Those of us who don’t want kids/any more kids should just resign ourselves to a sexless marriage, just to be on the safe side.

@lemesser6
This is all about context
Did you know she had infertility issues?
Were you saying 'It just happened! We weren't even trying!'...........

If so - YABU

Infertility is so much harder than an unexpected pregnancy.

You do understand that with an unexpected pregnancy at least you get to decide whether you want to become a mother or not.

Well no, of course you can't ask if they're infertile! But it's not hard not to ask people if they're planning to have children. It's an extremely personal question.

If someone asks what you did over the weekend and you say you took your kids to the swimming pool, I suppose that could cause some private upset but they asked and you didn't labour the point. You're unlikely to be able to get away with never mentioning your family at all but I don't think that's what upsets most people who are struggling. Stuff like outright asking a difficult and personal question is something else entirely.

It's not a minefield. I think you're just overly affected by the sharp response you got to a question you now know you shouldn't have asked.