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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the sort of friendship I want now I'm in my late forties doesn't exist

118 replies

Townie221 · 13/01/2023 22:21

I have one very good / best friend and another couple of old friends who live abroad and are dear to me but since dh and my kids moved to a small town a long way away from my BFF, for want of a better term, I have struggled to make friends. We moved to be near my husband's family and work for their business.

I feel too different to many in the town we have moved to and that I don't fit in and I have largely accepted my lot and don't try to be as friendly anymore as I did when we first got here.

I did make a lot of effort - too much probably, maybe tried too hard! - to begin with with mums at the school gates but besides a couple of minor connections the friendships haven't really grown.

I oscillate between deciding I am happy enough with my own little family and I don't need anyone else and daydreaming about having coffee shop dates with friends once or twice a month.

It seems the kind of deep friendship I am looking for is hard to strike up at my ripe old age.

Does anyone else feel like this?

Oh I also work with dh for his family's business so don't tend to meet many new potential friends sadly. I think this is going to be it unless I do something radically different but I feel quite tired and run ragged most of the time, work long hours etc. That's probably true of many in their late forties I suppose which helps to explain why it is hard.

OP posts:
Original poster
Townie221 · 13/01/2023 22:22

All of this means I do spend a lot of time on MN!

OP posts:
lifeinthehills · 13/01/2023 22:25

I do get what you're saying. A lot of people are busy and friendships are 'light' rather than deep. I've found, at this age, I bond more over common life experience and those friendships can run deeper.

lifeinthehills · 13/01/2023 22:27

BTW, don't give up, there will be people who will also want that kind of friendship. If I met you I'd definitely be up for regular coffee and chat and sharing the more personal life details. There will be others out there the same.

Daydre4mer · 13/01/2023 22:28

@Townie221 ive been thinking about this a lot too. I did have a lovely group of friends and we used to meet up fairly regularly but it sort of petered out during the lockdowns.

i met up with 2 of those friends last week, they are still close. Really close it seems and I felt pretty envious of their friendship. Made me feel quite sad. I also flit between actually feeling happy with my family and I like my alone time and hobbies. But also sort of yearn for what you’re talking about too. I’m probably 5/6 yrs younger than you. X

Cosmos123 · 13/01/2023 22:30

I disagree.

I have a best friend and we are close.

She is my rock and me hers.
Life would be empty without her.

HowDoYouOwnDisorder · 13/01/2023 22:30

I think there is bothering with you or your decision, whichever way you decide, but I find that I really need some local friends in my life, so always make an effort and am open to meeting new people.

We've had to move about 6 times in our lives so I feel like a bit of a pro at starting over Grin

It's always been easiest to meet people at sport or hobbies or activities where you can bond over the shared experience

I've even made friends just from walking the dog and ending up chatting with people, and sometimes walking together

Sometimes you can just be with the wrong people or the wrong place, hard to say why, so maybe you are just unlucky

Personally I think it's worth just trying to be open to trying new things and meeting new people, and let it flow from there with no expectations.

But if you are happy as you are then stay as you are and enjoy what you have. There's no right or wrong in this

EmmaEmerald · 13/01/2023 22:30

Me. Hi. I’m the problem, it’s me.

except maybe I’m not. Yes OP I absolutely want this. I always comment on these threads. I said recently I feel like yelling at my best mate “where ARE you”. I have heard from her now but it feels like friends fell off everyone’s priority list after lockdown.

if a genie came out of a bottle and granted me one wish, I would ask for friends, ideally local ones. For me to put that above a lottery win is pretty shocking 😂

Velvian · 13/01/2023 22:30

I've found more friendships from a running group I joined a while ago. I was an absolute beginner and I'm now addicted, although still slow and ungainly. :D. It helps if you are meeting up with people to do something specific. 3 of us have formed a smaller group to run outside of the main group and have lots of chats along the way.

I always really struggled at school pick up, still do, luckily my youngest only has 1.5 years of primary left!

Motelschmotel · 13/01/2023 22:30

I’ve wondered about this for myself just recently. I think if I were to start from scratch I’d use the opportunity to cut out a lot of social niceties, things I don’t really mean but do out of habit. Laugh at terrible jokes, by sympathetic when inwardly I’m rolling my eyes, chit chat to fill awkward silences etc. Just the conventions of social interaction with acquaintances and day-to-day friends that we all follow. I think I’d seek out like-minded people through shared interests and try to cultivate more meaningful and authentic relationships. The opportunity for s specific type of shared history is gone at this age, but the opportunity for something new, when I have the experience and maturity of age to see it through properly, would be rather exciting.

Cheeseandlobster · 13/01/2023 22:30

Have you considered Bumble bff. I am mid 40's and have made a great friend on there. We are even going on holiday together soon 😊

Cheeseandabsolutelycrackers · 13/01/2023 22:35

Do you have any hobbies? When kids are young it's really hard, but mine are late primary/early secondary now and I joined a choir and have made some lovely new friends of all ages and a bunch of us that started chatting now have a WhatsApp group and meet up for coffee when we are free, it's relaxed and just 'if anyone's around on Saturday afternoon for a quick coffee' kind of thing. I'm late 40s but as well as music I enjoy running and work full time and like drinking/ dancing.

Daydre4mer · 13/01/2023 22:35

@Cheeseandlobster were there lots of weirdos on it, like online dating??

did it feel awkward meeting up?

polorider · 13/01/2023 22:35

I do understand, I have friends but most have you kids and only one lives in the same city as me. I'm not interested in friends for the sake of it, there would have to be a real connection. I'm kind of a loner so like a lot of time alone, I work alone for myself, my hobbies are mostly solitary, I don't drink and prefer to shop, go to art galleries etc alone so I can focus on what I'm doing. I think it's very difficult to make friends without some kind of shared history. I'm not really lonely but realise I might be when I'm old, especially if DH goes before me. I studied in different cities and countries to where I live now and my friends are all over the globe so I only see many of them once every few years. I do think it's very difficult to make new deep friendships at thus stage. My SIL who is single, early 40s but still into going out has befriended some younger women in her work and that seems to work for her.

ThatOneChinHair · 13/01/2023 22:36

I understand I've moved twice with dc and when they were just starting school it was easier to make friends, the second move was towards the end of primary and it was almost impossible friend groups where already well established.

I did meet friends walking the dog though at a big local country park. Other friendship developed through were I keep my horse, plus through work. It really didn't happen over night though and had many times with that 'I miss having friends feeling'

I suppose I can only recommend finding a hobby that gets you out or if you feel brave enough start a thread asking if anyone they are local to you and want to meet. I have seen threads like that on here before. the thread is normally open for other posters to ask for posters in there area too.

Original poster
Townie221 · 13/01/2023 22:38

Lots of suggestions, thanks guys.

There probably is something weird about me that is putting people off!! Lols. i remember when we decided to move here i was so excited to leave London and settle in to a new small community, I had such high hopes but for some reason it just hasn't happened... so then I've gone into my okay it's not meant to be just stick to my small family and enjoy them, and I do obviously but sometimes I need female friendship not necessarily nights out but just friends locally I can call and catch up with sometimes.

Maybe i need to join a tennis club!

OP posts:
Cosmos123 · 13/01/2023 22:39

That or volunteer.

ThatOneChinHair · 13/01/2023 22:43

Townie221 where did you move too?

Pillowjoy · 13/01/2023 22:46

It might be the location, rather than anything you’re doing wrong. I’ve moved around a lot internationally, and never struggled with friendships, apart from seven miserably lonely years in a village in the midlands, where the people who lived there and I simply didn’t gel at all. I moved countries (aged 48) and despite hitting Covid lockdowns almost immediately made some really interesting friends.

OxPeg · 13/01/2023 22:46

I’m with you OP! My only close friends were made in my childhood/teens - others I’m friendly with through work, school run etc are no more than acquaintances. IME many people put up a lot more barriers as they get older and/or are too knackered by work/kids/life to have much spare energy for new friendships.

I’m also curious to hear what the friendship apps are like!

Happybefree · 13/01/2023 22:49

Daydre4mer · 13/01/2023 22:35

@Cheeseandlobster were there lots of weirdos on it, like online dating??

did it feel awkward meeting up?

I do bumble bff as well, I’ve made some friends! It is a bit like dating, some drift away and some stay, but overall I’ve met people with similar interests I never would have come across otherwise.

Suzi888 · 13/01/2023 22:49

“to begin with with mums at the school gates” The problem here is apart from your children you probably have nothing in common . You wouldn’t normally have come across these people, you are forced together. Some hit it off, some don’t, just like work colleagues.

When DD started school I thought ooh I better get in there because if I don’t DD could be left out of things like eg going to the park after school. I made huge efforts, etc but in the end it became apparent children either went to after school classes or just went home as parents had to log back into work and now I have gone past caring.

One mum has started to engage and instigate play dates etc and I’m trying to make an effort but if I’m honest I can’t really be bothered…. She’s lovely though, so I’ll have to at least try.

Summerfun54321 · 13/01/2023 22:52

This is why team sports are so important. Whenever I've moved somewhere new I've joined various sports clubs and had an instant friendship group. They may not turn into best friends but at least it's a starting point so you don't feel miserable while you find your people. Sports, hobbies and volunteering are perfect for making immediate friends.

Ponderingtosk · 13/01/2023 22:55

I sew. Met a mad fellow sewer ten years ago at a sewing club. We live fairly close too. We go on sewing holidays and sew at least once a week or more together and with others. It’s fun having a lovely best friend with the same hobby.

def look for a hobby.

EmmaEmerald · 13/01/2023 22:56

When did you move OP? I tried joining groups post lockdown but even the people running them said that no one seems to want to go out much anymore. A local art fair had barely any stuff to sell and the coordinator told me the usual artists had lost the will to do much anymore.

I do think things will get better in that way, famous last words!

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 13/01/2023 22:58

I agree with sports groups. I play a sport and have lots of acquaintances through it. There's always drinking/socialising afterwards and I find it's enough for a regular social fix.