To think the sort of friendship I want now I'm in my late forties doesn't exist

[Townie221]

I have one very good / best friend and another couple of old friends who live abroad and are dear to me but since dh and my kids moved to a small town a long way away from my BFF, for want of a better term, I have struggled to make friends. We moved to be near my husband's family and work for their business.

I feel too different to many in the town we have moved to and that I don't fit in and I have largely accepted my lot and don't try to be as friendly anymore as I did when we first got here.

I did make a lot of effort - too much probably, maybe tried too hard! - to begin with with mums at the school gates but besides a couple of minor connections the friendships haven't really grown.

I oscillate between deciding I am happy enough with my own little family and I don't need anyone else and daydreaming about having coffee shop dates with friends once or twice a month.

It seems the kind of deep friendship I am looking for is hard to strike up at my ripe old age.

Does anyone else feel like this?

Oh I also work with dh for his family's business so don't tend to meet many new potential friends sadly. I think this is going to be it unless I do something radically different but I feel quite tired and run ragged most of the time, work long hours etc. That's probably true of many in their late forties I suppose which helps to explain why it is hard.

I don’t take offence at you thinking it feels desperate. In a way it is, but that’s because there are so few other ways of meeting new people. I’m certainly at the stage where I won’t be making new friends unless I put myself out there and in the way of actually encountering other humans.

I’m kind of resigned to risking disappointment. So maybe the only way is up :)

I know exactly what you mean. Had a major life change at 41 and have never really found the easy-going kind of relationship that I was used to in London. I think I made a number of my closest friends through work and so we have professional experience and memories of doing a lot of stuff in the big city to look back on. We had a lot on common. I don't have children and most women do and that seems to create quite a barrier between us because so many of them seem to focus their lives around children and grandchildren and talk about little else.

I'm never going to be able to recreate the intense, sometimes emotional friendships of my 20s and 30s, when people and the world were new and exciting and we hung out just for the pleasure of it. Now I'm older I can spot the narcissists and the controllers and the people who only ever talk about themselves. Instead I do courses or develop hobbies and through those I've met a few people with whom I have something in common and can get along with. It's about finding your tribe. Look out for the kind of people you want to be friends with, then work out how to get to know them.

Oh, and don't be put off by the forays that don't work out. You only have to read MN to know where are huge numbers of people around who don't make small talk, don't trust people, don't want to talk to neighbours and experience any attempt to make verbal contact as an attack. I'm quite a confident person with decent social skills. I'm curious about life, I read, I like to discuss all kinds of things and find out what others think. I've lost account of the number of times someone's asked me for a coffee after a group and has just sat there, saying nothing.

First of all, you're not at a 'ripe old age'. You're only in your 40s. Second, the kind of deep friendship you want IS possible, but it's best when based around a common interest. In my experience, the nicest people tend to be book lovers and animal lovers. If you want to meet good, deep people – people with soul – join a book group or an animal rescue group. Failing that, join an art appreciation group. The fakes/pretentious people don't last. They like the idea of reading Dickens and Jane Austen and Virginia Woolf, etc, and they like the idea of studying the Pre-Raphalites or Monet. But pretty soon they get bored and leave.

I grew up in a military family, so can do the “blend in ASAP before there’s a new girl target on your back” but have no idea how to make friends. Because there was no point creating something to grieve over in 18 months time when you move again.

My work is very talk/listening orientated so I also didn’t want one of those clingy, make lots of appointments and commitments shaped friendships I’d seen on TV. Nor a friendship like the only 2 I’ve had as an adult where I realised (belatedly, before beating a hasty retreat) I was selected to be “compassionately” befriended, by going over all my flaws all too often, so they felt better about themselves in comparison.

I now have a kind of healthy friendship-lite set of people which I think is more or less what you are thinking about. I like dogs. Started walking the dogs at the weekly group walk to help out. There were some Very Strange People who have strong opinions on All Things Dog, but a handful of women I chatted to as we got dragged across the countryside. Some of them, like me, adopted a dog and dropped out of the weekly walks. But we were in the group whatsapp so could arrange via that to walk new doggies to a meet up coffee point. And now we’ll even go for a coffee with the four legged types coming with us.

It’s Ok if dogs are not your thing. You just need to work out what is “your thing” that offers prospects without set in stone expectations, then suck it and see. I think it was at least 3 months before I realised people were trying to make friends with me. And that’s in part cos people wheel in and out of interest based groups. So even one that looks like it offers no kindred spirits may have five of them by the time the season changes.

But online female friendly connection (Like on MN for example) does has the advantage of an on/off button. You dip in and out as your personal sociable battery power allows. Some people just seem to have a different grade of sociable battery power that I haven’t got. If it’s without an on/off button I need it to stay light and easy breezy or it feels like a blimming second job. And not everybody you strike up a friendship with wants it to stay in that ballpark. They want a deeper level of platonic relationship and that can tricky to extract yourself from without any feelings getting hurt.

I might look into some groups and clubs I don't know - and please don't take offence anyone! - it feels a little bit desperate to me to have to do that... does that make sense? We always sort of assume it happens naturally and thr right people pop up when they are supposed to

I'm not offended at all. This is a discussion forum after all , but I do think this is an odd way to think.

You've said you've moved in to a new area, and you work in your dh's family business where there isn't the potential to make friends. So, unless you do go out and start belonging to different things, I am not sure how else you think you are going to meet people. It is normal social interaction for me, not desperate at all.

I don't think there is a formula for making good friends, or close friends. Friendships evolve, IMO. You sort of look around at some point and realise X or Y has become a really good friend, but you didn't know that was going to happen during the first conversation you had with them. Friendship is something that just grows. Of course it doesn't happen with everyone you "are friendly" with, which is why, for it to be likely to happen, it makes sense to "be friendly" with lots of people - hence the suggestions to get out of the house and do some things you already enjoy, or some things you haven't tried before at which you will meet anything from a few to lots of new people.

I might look into some groups and clubs I don't know - and please don't take offence anyone! - it feels a little bit desperate to me to have to do that... does that make sense? We always sort of assume it happens naturally and thr right people pop up when they are supposed to

I get what you’re saying - it somehow (although I’m not sure why) seems wrong to be working at something which others appear to have naturally? Rather like online dating used to be a bit taboo? But the amount of recent similar threads makes me realise lots of people are in the same boat.

No, you're got to work at it. if you;re living a sheltered life and only meeting a limited range of people of course you've got to work at it. After my Big Move when I was feeling lonesome I was sitting in a cafe and heard a group of women having some really good conversations and laughing. So as I got up to go I said to them that it had been really nice hearing their laughter and did they belong to group because if they did it sounded as if it might be fun. They said they did, they knew each other from belonging to a women's choir, and they gave me the details and I joined — and that was my new social life and some new good acquaintances if not close friends. It was through activities they introduced me to that I met my partner. You've got to put yourself out there.

I struggled with relocation combined with a shift based job that is antisocial as hell. I still struggle but I'm making progress. I have an amazing friend from work who is truly truly wonderful but not super geographically close and has a busy life. I tried meetup and met some people but not my tribe, joined two craft groups and am having some luck with one of them. It's slow progress and I'm not sure they will turn into life long besties but they might. The other craft group isn't working out so well socially, nice people but it's quite task focused.

I understand the comment about it being slightly desperate and have felt the same myself, still do sometimes, but then I tell myself that it's a hell of a lot better than being stuck at home not meeting anyone at all. Plus, even if I don't meet forever friends at these hobbies, it gives me something to talk about when I meet other people.

Yes I am sure you are right, I will need to work at this. I sort of feel I already have worked at it, I've been really friendly, hosted etc and it's just led to a few acquaintances. Maybe a regular group activity is the answer, even if it feels more strategic than organic!

Thanks guys, guess I will have a think about the kinds of groups I can find around here / that look interesting.

I can’t think of a single friend I have casually made friends with in the way you describe. All my friends are either through work, studying, hobbies or helping at school events. You don’t need to actively search out friends, but you do need to actively be in situations where you are forced to engage with people. “Putting yourself out there” as you describe is called having a life, there’s nothing cringey about it.

Sorry summer I probably didn't explain myself properly.

I suppose I feel a bit odd joining a group to meet people as opposed to wanting to join the group anyway in its own right. It feels.... sneaky somehow even though that probably isn't the right word! Sort of strategic and yep a bit desperate. I'm being honest because this is an anonymous forum but that's really how I feel yet I think I can accept that i will have to go that way or accept I won't meet any new people really in my normal routine.

@Townie221 for all you know, half the members of the group/club may have joined because they also wish to make friends …

You're more likely to make friends if you join a group because of the shared interest rather than just going to meet people, so your sneaky feeling might do you a favour.

Yes that's true. It will have to be a group I'm really interested in. Which means I may have to travel to get to it but that's okay.

If the travel is possible then definitely give it a try.
Can you tell us what your interest is?

It's more I live in a big village and there aren't many groups here so will need to investigate what is going on in the nearest town! I might try joining an established book group if I can find one.

Are you sure? I also live in a large village and there are LOADS of groups - sports, reading groups, crafts, walking, a community choir, bell ringing, music.

I think it would be tricky to join an already established book group - they will already have their dynamic. It does remind me though, that my book group was formed by someone new to our village. She was the Mum of the new girl in our kids' class and (we know now) got in touch with the 5 women who had chatted with her, suggesting a reading group. We've been going 8 years now.