To think the sort of friendship I want now I'm in my late forties doesn't exist

[Townie221]

I have one very good / best friend and another couple of old friends who live abroad and are dear to me but since dh and my kids moved to a small town a long way away from my BFF, for want of a better term, I have struggled to make friends. We moved to be near my husband's family and work for their business.

I feel too different to many in the town we have moved to and that I don't fit in and I have largely accepted my lot and don't try to be as friendly anymore as I did when we first got here.

I did make a lot of effort - too much probably, maybe tried too hard! - to begin with with mums at the school gates but besides a couple of minor connections the friendships haven't really grown.

I oscillate between deciding I am happy enough with my own little family and I don't need anyone else and daydreaming about having coffee shop dates with friends once or twice a month.

It seems the kind of deep friendship I am looking for is hard to strike up at my ripe old age.

Does anyone else feel like this?

Oh I also work with dh for his family's business so don't tend to meet many new potential friends sadly. I think this is going to be it unless I do something radically different but I feel quite tired and run ragged most of the time, work long hours etc. That's probably true of many in their late forties I suppose which helps to explain why it is hard.

Honestly? There were maybe not weirdos as such but a couple of very needy women. One who would facebook message everytime I logged on and another who was woe is me from the get go and needed an agony aunt. However there are some really nice normal women on there too. I have met a few now. Not all become friends but when you click with someone it's really nice

@Cheeseandlobster yes I can imagine all of the above!

i would worry about not ‘liking’ someone then having to be honest about it. Because honestly I wouldn’t want to spend my time with someone I didn’t click with. Also the over neediness would stress me out!!

Perhaps I am just best on my own. 😁

Sports and hobbies all the way! I’ve made loads of great mates through book club, cycling club, running club and French class.

I doubt that you’re weird OP. You’ve just been unlucky so far. Some towns are just a bit unfriendly.

In my experience, the best friendships are built round a common interest. For example, I love Dickens. So I joined a Dickens reading group and met ‘my people’. If you love animals, seek out animal lovers (maybe involve yourself in re-homing abused dogs). That really is the key.

Look up Ladies Circle and find a group near you - it’s literally women who want to widen their friendship group, meet up for coffee/lunch/dinner/drinks and have a laugh. There are groups all over the country

I completely relate to this. A couple of good friends from home, but since I moved away I’ve struggled to build friendships.

I actually joined Bumble bff briefly but the closest women to me were 15-20 miles away, and there were only two of them!

I’m in a town in the north and there isn’t a huge amount going on like book clubs etc. I’m finding it increasingly hard not having any local friends.

It’s hard isn’t it?! I moved to a small community and loved how everyone knows to say hello but didn’t find any kindred spirits. Existing friendship groups were quite impenetrable. I ending up focussing solely on people who had also moved to the community recently who were also looking for friends. I started a WhatsApp group and added new people every time I met them. It wasn’t full proof but it helped me forge some connections.

i have found the primary school gates hellish. Most of these parents have nothing to talk about other than their child and it’s so dull. I think there are maybe two or three parents I could spend more than a few minutes with, the others we have nothing in common.

i tried taking up sports, I’ve had so much fun and love my sports but I certainly didn’t find any good friends there - people I can have a laugh with but not really people I’d want to spend an evening with. All they talk about is sport!

I’ve ended up putting my energy into the two mums who I have a spark of friendship with. We’re all busy so it would have been easy to give up but we have managed a few meet ups and they’ve been lovely.

i remember when we decided to move here i was so excited to leave London and settle in to a new small community, I had such high hopes but for some reason it just hasn't happened...

What things have you joined, at which you will meet people ?
Generally, "new friends" aren't likely to come knocking at your door, you have to get out and get to know lots of people.
Choir, sport, craft groups, fundraising group, rambling, lunch club, volunteering (MASSES of different things), book club, Church, drama group, bridge club, evening class, hobby.
I'm nearly 60 and have joined several new things over the last 20 years, from which I have made some new friends.

I feel fortunate to have made new close friends all through my life. They are all through clubs or activities I enjoy. I recently took up open water swimming and through that have formed a little group of 8 or so like minded women.

Also a circuits class I joined when lockdown eased (the classes are outside when it's fine) has been great for meeting new people.

I am a lone parent to a 13 yo and in the past couple of years, since I've been able to leave him home alone, the loose friendships I had in my running club have strengthened.

It might sound like I am easy going or extrovert, but in fact the opposite is true, I often felt an outsider at the school gates or in other situations. That was never a problem because I've always had friendships elsewhere, but for me it's about 'finding my tribe' (sorry, that sounds naff).

I volunteered at the food bank/resource centre for a while and made some lovely friends there, one of whom I am close contact with still.

I worked really hard at 'making friends' but, intimately, the relationships that have developed and lasted have been through either working or volunteering. I've taken on stuff that I would never have considered in my 'city' life and met lifelong friends, of all ages but predominantly older than me.

ultimately not 'intimately'🥴

Where are you OP?

I feel like this too, and am also late 40s but interestingly have noticed my mum in her 70s has the kind of ' sex in the city ' close friend groups, going out fir lunch and coffee several times a week, that I crave.

They are all retired, single ladies. So I'm hoping maybe things will turn round in my later years!

I was a member of a local triathlon club a few years ago. I ran with some nice people, mainly women. We chatted and had a laugh but sadly I injured myself, couldn't go anymore and it quickly petered out because essentially we were really just acquaintances who met up for running. I'd like to join a hiking/ramblers group because I think you'd have more of an opportunity to chat properly and to different people but there doesn't seem to much call for them here...

I honestly wouldn't worry. Maybe poor advice, I know, as you just want friends now. But what I mean is if you just live your life and participate in group 'things' like work, sport, hobbies etc, you will meet new friends.

I have had periods of my life where I've had no friends and periods where I've had lots. I would also say it's about quality over quantity. You want good, nice friends rather than lots of bad ones.

I’m lonely & would love a good friend. One friend who I thought I was close to has now ghosted me & turned a little bananas during the pandemic.

I would now say that one of my closet friends is an amazing 95 year old lady that I’ve been visiting once a week for 5 years now. I volunteer with a local action. group, befriending people that are lonely(the irony!) it’s been the best thing I’ve done in years:

You need more opportunities to make friends. I've always found hobby groups to be good for this. Martial arts are good in my experience for making friendships.

I thought this sounded brilliant so I just looked it up. There's one fairly near the house I'm about to move to (in a new town). The only problem is that it states that it's for "women aged 18-45"......I'm 48. So that's a no-go then.

The age restriction feels a bit shit if I'm honest. Really quite disappointed.

Thanks for your comments.

I naively thought when we moved here that simply being friendly would be enough and it would happen naturally but it really hasn't.

I'm starting to think that it could be the area but also that the sort of friendship i want doesn't actually exist tbh, hence writing the thread.
I don't mean to sound negative but I think it could be a fact!

I think it could be the age group - busy / tired / battered by life as someone said upthread and also trying to make friends in established community groups combined with being someone who grew up London who feels different/ like an outsider that maybe people don't warm to ??

Also I think people maybe aren't open anymore to meeting people and having a real open, caring, deep friendship so.much at this age. That's the kind of friendship I want but can only find acquaintances.

Sorry I really don't mean to sound negative and I'm not a negative person but these are the conclusions I'm coming to.

I could join some groups.

My kids are established here now and with our work here it isn't like we can move house because I feel a bit lonely!

You just haven't met the right people yet. Most people you meet in life are reasonably nice, very few will you have that deep connection with. You cant make a close friend out of people who are not compatible with you on that deeper level, just superficial friendships. But there will be a certain proportion of people in you locality that are more deeply compatible with you, just keep an open mind, and when you do meet them, you will give yourself a chance to get to know them

Come back here in 5 years time, and tell us about the long term friends you have made

Thanks Nimbo I think you are probably right! Just feeling down about it at the moment. It's hard to stay optimistic sometimes. I have tried so hard I think maybe I need to take a break from thinking about it!

This is why I don't like wfh. I have made so many long term friends at work and am always making new ones. I think young people now won't have those same opportunities now that this has changed

How long have you been there? Took me 5 years in previous place then this summer we moved home after 20 years in total and it was a huge wrench to leave my friends.

luckily I am now living close to a very good friend and have family around so am fine bur am always happy to make new friends. Have been luckily wity a neighbour and am hopeful about a voluntary group I am joining.

Someone on our local FB page put up a post recently saying she had moved a few years ago and not made any local friends and did anyone want to go for coffee or a dog walk and loads of people came out of the woodwork. There’s now a variety of general meet-ups going on and things like a menopause one and crafting one. She’s helped a lot of people by doing it by the look of it.