To think the sort of friendship I want now I'm in my late forties doesn't exist

[Townie221]

I have one very good / best friend and another couple of old friends who live abroad and are dear to me but since dh and my kids moved to a small town a long way away from my BFF, for want of a better term, I have struggled to make friends. We moved to be near my husband's family and work for their business.

I feel too different to many in the town we have moved to and that I don't fit in and I have largely accepted my lot and don't try to be as friendly anymore as I did when we first got here.

I did make a lot of effort - too much probably, maybe tried too hard! - to begin with with mums at the school gates but besides a couple of minor connections the friendships haven't really grown.

I oscillate between deciding I am happy enough with my own little family and I don't need anyone else and daydreaming about having coffee shop dates with friends once or twice a month.

It seems the kind of deep friendship I am looking for is hard to strike up at my ripe old age.

Does anyone else feel like this?

Oh I also work with dh for his family's business so don't tend to meet many new potential friends sadly. I think this is going to be it unless I do something radically different but I feel quite tired and run ragged most of the time, work long hours etc. That's probably true of many in their late forties I suppose which helps to explain why it is hard.

I'm also disappointed by this. Particularly as the friends I have are very varied in age, including a (very vibrant and active) woman in her 80s!

Volterra that's a good idea re the fb group.

We've been here a while now and I've met a couple of people who I felt could be friends but it just hasn't happened despite me hosting a fair bit setting up a little book club that didn't get off the ground, etc. I used to feel so hopeful but I think my hope is evaporating! Have started to wonder whether I'm supposed to go through this part of my life a bit lonely iyswim?

I suppose I'm feeling reluctant to get my hopes up again. Maybe just need a break from it all.

Yes, absolutely!!

On looking more closely - and I don't mean this in any way to be uncharitable - but a couple of the women there very clearly aren't under the age of 45. Maybe late 50s if I had to hazard a guess?

So it's possible they don't enforce the age limit too strictly - but the group local to me have plastered the age restrictions over all of their recent events and ads. I think I'd be reluctant to join somewhere that I felt I didn't really belong to, and where others may think "she shouldn't be here!"

It's a shame.

It's a numbers game, and you need to get yourself 'out there' more. If you had moved there as a singleton, would you feel the same if you hadn't yet found a partner? You need to try new hobbies and do regular volunteer work to embed into a new community IME. The new friends come as a result of this.
We moved to our village 12 years ago, coming from a different area and knowing no-one. For the first 4 years, we went to work mon-fri and kept to ourselves or visited old friends at the weekend. We knew no one except our direct neighbours for the whole time. Once DD was born and I was home (and lonely), I went to a baby group/activity a day and got to make some friends. I eventually took over running the village playgroup, which helped me get to know even more people. These days I volunteer in school and for the PTA, and I get involved at DCs' sports club plus I've started a new hobby (as well as work OC). This has hugely widened my social circle and I've made new friends. Some are of a level I'd just make small talk with them at the activity, others we all go out for dinner/wine/a chat.

@Townie221 - are you able to give us any kind of hint whereabouts in the country you are? I'm an ex-Londoner who moved to Gloucestershire in her 20s, and it was a real culture shock. I love it here and I'd never move back, but it took a long time for it to feel like home.

My uncle - originally from Gloucestershire so a genuine country boy - moved to Cornwall in the 80s. He had such a miserable time and never felt as if he fitted in, so moved away again.

I honestly think that location can make a difference.

I had two best friends from my childhood up to our 30's we shared everything, meet a couple times a week and spoke most days. we are still friends but now we message every few weeks have a call every couple months and meet every few months. I miss the closeness but we have all changed over the years I don't think I would want them in my life that much now. . I do have local friends too who I meet for coffee/pub but we are not close friends. I'm in my 40's I wonder if as life slows down friendships become more important again. I think it's also dependent on your family situation we are not close to our extended family either. Sometimes I wish I had more but I also recognise with young children and work I don't have time to pursue new friendships/hobbies. I figured if it's an issue I'll join bumble or something in a few years.

It's definitely more difficult as you get older to make those deeper connections- you naturally have less shared experience than you might with, for example, old school mates. It's not impossible though. Personally I found the Internet the best way to find those connections - eg Facebook groups for hobbies or interests naturally brings people together.

I often feel I have a slightly different view about friendships than many on here. When I read comments like ‘all you have in common is children the same age’ it’s a bit puzzling in a way because that’s as legitimate (imo anyway) a thing in common as a shared love of running, or 80s music or whatever.

I don’t think it’s so much a shared love of a hobby or interest that makes a good friendship as shared experiences. That’s why it is harder to make friends as we age - it’s not impossible by any means - but it is harder, because we don’t tend to have as many experiences with our friends, more family, and also because a lot of things that were maybe quite new and fun when we were younger aren’t any more.

And sometimes you do just gel with people, in the same way romantic relationships do. I have had this a handful of times where I’ve just clicked with a person even though we’ve nothing much in ‘common’ in the way that’s spoken about here.

I think the important thing is that close friendships take a long time. It is hard, but I wouldn’t rule out either the school gates or work colleagues - both derided on MN, but I’ve made friends at toddler/baby groups and at work!

I know what you mean OP.

DH has a large group of long term friends which I tag on to..But in my own right, I only have 1 or 2 friends and several acquaintances. I haven't even moved , I've been here for 22 years so it's obviously my fault! No answers I'm afraid.

Sorry don't want to say where we moved to as v small and quite rural!! People might recognise me / the family business of dh's!!

You do feel vulnerable moving to a new place and striking up convos wirh what are, essentially, strangers.

If I didn't work for the family business I would probably meet more people but working somewhere else isn't really an option unfortunately.

I think I will keep putting positive vibes, with little expectations, out there and see what happens.

Maybe I will meet my tribe a bit later in life!

I agree with Gettinginajollymood.
Im still friends with lots of ex work colleagues and women I met at the school gates. I think it’s more of a case of gelling with people rather than sharing a hobby.
I also believe it depends on your the stage you are in life. I’m not close to work colleagues who have babies for example. It’s not that I don’t like them, it’s just I’m at a different life stage to them. They would find it hard to meet after work in a bar for example whereas I don’t. That kind of thing.

Where do people find sports groups? I've always struggled to find them in the uk

I joined the WI

theres always something going on outside of the monthly meetings - I could be out twice a week if I wanted to. Very friendly, very welcoming and has been great.

Yanbu OP.
I belong to several clubs and have several jobs. I don’t have any old school friends (I was badly bullied at school), or any long term friends (my family was weird).
I always seem to be on the outskirts of groups, and forgotten about. I almost made a group of friends and then got long covid at the beginning of lock down. They are all firm friends now and I am not in the circle. They all go for walks, camping, play dates, coffee etc. I’ve given up trying to be included, it just got embarrassing.
One of my jobs is really friendly and we are all close. I thought so until a Facebook post this week showed them all out for dinner together, and I wasn’t invited.
My sports group has a WhatsApp which I am on, and they often have nights out, funny chats etc together away from that, which is mentioned on the group chat.
I’ve tried to organise get togethers but no one showed up. They’d all been out together the night before.
It’s so so hard. DH has had the same close friends since school. We go out together and I get ignored, because I am an outsider.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m just not very likeable. So I shall stick with my cat. And books:

I think you need a really thick skin when trying to suggest meet ups etc.

one School Mum took offence that when she suggested coffee no one was free but when a different Mum suggested it she got 10 people. It wasn’t personal- she chose a bad day in terms of people working/doctor’s appointments/toddler groups. It was nothing about her but she took it that way, even though people replied stating why they couldn’t do it.

It’s tough but you have to persevere.

I naively thought when we moved here that simply being friendly would be enough and it would happen naturally but it really hasn't

Yes I think that was a bit naive TBH. Sports, hobbies and volunteering are good ways to meet people through a shared interest. And some of those may lead to friendships. But it takes time, often a LONG time, to develop the close deep connection that you seem to be seeking

Perhaps worth considering why that's important to you? I find that most people as they get older are quite happy with a couple of close / longstanding friends and plenty of acquaintances

Search for sports / club / your town and you should come up with loads of options

Or pick a sport that takes your fancy, look for their head office / organisation and search for events / clubs near you

Or go to your local leisure centre

Or many community centres offer table tennis, yoga etc

Your problem is what you have already said, is that you have such limited exposure to new people. If you are working for a family business, and such long hours that you are too tired for hobbies and socialising then it is going to be harder for you in a new area, at your stage in life.

You perhaps need to cut back your hours a little, so you can get out and start actually living and connecting otherwise your life will stay as small as it is now.

Moving at this time of life was brave, and leaving an established life and friendship as you get older is going to be more challenging but not impossible. I share the same age as you and I have made a few new friends on a course I attend. I do have lots of old friends too. I make time for friends, and ensure I have enough energy to present for them.

You do need to put yourself out there, start with something you really love and meet other people with the same interests. Continue to invest in your older friendships and in no time at all you will have both.

Thank you. Is this more of a southern thing? Can't seem to find much except miner's welfare clubs 😂

@Tekkentime I don't think it's a southern thing. I'm in the North. Perhaps easier in cities

So, if I search for squash + Newcastle, I get these options
www.google.com/search?q=squash+newcastle&rlz=1C1CHBF_en-GBGB1032GB1032&oq=squash+newcastle&aqs=chrome..69i57.3584j0j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

And, if I search for table tennis + Carlisle, I get these options
www.google.com/search?q=table+tennis+carlisle&rlz=1C1CHBF_en-GBGB1032GB1032&oq=table+tennis+carlisle&aqs=chrome..69i57.4271j0j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

And, if I search for netball + Derby, I get these options
www.google.com/search?q=netball+derby&rlz=1C1CHBF_en-GBGB1032GB1032&oq=netball+derby&aqs=chrome..69i57.3183j0j9&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

Pick your sport, then Google for local clubs or check the governing body's website. If still no luck, post to your local Facebook page asking if anyone knows of any local running/walking/swimming/tiddlywinks groups.

Thanks! Will give it a go 😁

in recent years I’ve made good friends through work, but I see that’s not an option for you. I left my last place of work 2 years ago and I still see at least 4 friends and am in touch with a couple more regularly on messenger. My job now is less social but we’ve had some informal meetings at each others’ houses which has been nice.
if that’s not an option for you then what about a sport:hobby/WI/book club? It’s hard to make the effort but could be worth it.
I did make friends at the school gates but have lost touch with most of the mums now my DCs have finished with school! Shame as had some nice friendships but covid etc didn’t help!!
I am now looking towards 60+ in 10 or so years - well def be checking out the u3A and other retiree groups for more connections.

Hmm. Why some friendships develop and others don't is an odd conundrum. You have ti meet someone, at the right time, who wants the same level of friendship as you. Tricky. I have 5 close friends and have had them for many years.

But 3 of my friends have made recent deep friendships so I think your attitude is what's wrong. 2 of them their closest friend had died of cancer, so a huge void, but becarse if that they thus had a need of a new friend? They met a peer mum, so a child in their child's secondary year, so have children their own age, and just hit it off.

I think you need to try again. Hold a party. Then when you eventually get invited back / go to someone else's bbq or party you've got a good chance of hitting it off with one of their nice friends.

What have you tried?