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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think the sort of friendship I want now I'm in my late forties doesn't exist

118 replies

Townie221 · 13/01/2023 22:21

I have one very good / best friend and another couple of old friends who live abroad and are dear to me but since dh and my kids moved to a small town a long way away from my BFF, for want of a better term, I have struggled to make friends. We moved to be near my husband's family and work for their business.

I feel too different to many in the town we have moved to and that I don't fit in and I have largely accepted my lot and don't try to be as friendly anymore as I did when we first got here.

I did make a lot of effort - too much probably, maybe tried too hard! - to begin with with mums at the school gates but besides a couple of minor connections the friendships haven't really grown.

I oscillate between deciding I am happy enough with my own little family and I don't need anyone else and daydreaming about having coffee shop dates with friends once or twice a month.

It seems the kind of deep friendship I am looking for is hard to strike up at my ripe old age.

Does anyone else feel like this?

Oh I also work with dh for his family's business so don't tend to meet many new potential friends sadly. I think this is going to be it unless I do something radically different but I feel quite tired and run ragged most of the time, work long hours etc. That's probably true of many in their late forties I suppose which helps to explain why it is hard.

OP posts:
JustDanceAddict · 14/01/2023 09:43

Townie221 · 14/01/2023 04:53

Thanks for your comments.

I naively thought when we moved here that simply being friendly would be enough and it would happen naturally but it really hasn't.

I'm starting to think that it could be the area but also that the sort of friendship i want doesn't actually exist tbh, hence writing the thread.
I don't mean to sound negative but I think it could be a fact!

I think it could be the age group - busy / tired / battered by life as someone said upthread and also trying to make friends in established community groups combined with being someone who grew up London who feels different/ like an outsider that maybe people don't warm to ??

Also I think people maybe aren't open anymore to meeting people and having a real open, caring, deep friendship so.much at this age. That's the kind of friendship I want but can only find acquaintances.

Sorry I really don't mean to sound negative and I'm not a negative person but these are the conclusions I'm coming to.

I could join some groups.

I don’t think this is true, but that sort of friendship takes a while to develop. I also like ‘deep’ friendships but sometimes it’s fine to go for brunch/coffee with someone you just get along with and let the friendship develop naturally. Im always open to new friends but neediness has always put me off - it’s a fine line! I felt a bit needy when my youngest was a baby and I may have put some people off then!!

beccaskylar · 14/01/2023 09:43

I will be friends with you!

TenoringBehind · 14/01/2023 09:44

I didn’t have friendships like this until I was in my 40s (I’m now 51). For me the key was moving somewhere new and then joining lots of things to meet people - book groups, exercise classes, walking groups, volunteering etc. Some I enjoyed and persevered with, others fell by the wayside. I made some transient friends along the way. My good close friends - and I now feel very lucky to have some - were all friends of other friends originally. The friendships evolved and deepened over time as we got to know each other and found that we had things in common.

TenoringBehind · 14/01/2023 09:46

And if you only do one activity, walking is the best way to meet and make friends, imho. Because you’re stuck with one or more people for an hour or so you really talk about anything and everything and get to know them well.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 14/01/2023 09:46

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 14/01/2023 08:07

I joined the WI

theres always something going on outside of the monthly meetings - I could be out twice a week if I wanted to. Very friendly, very welcoming and has been great.

The WI near me has monthly meetings at 1 pm on a Wednesday, so only good if you don't work on Wednesdays...

Patchworksack · 14/01/2023 09:53

I hear you. I have three good friends that have lasted years and they all now live a good distance away, one friend I run with once a week and we have a good chinwag for an hour and a load of people I am friendly with and chat to (colleagues, school mums) but it’s very situational - I know if I moved job they would forget me instantly. Lockdown brought it home how few people actually care and are embedded in my life regardless of circumstances.
On the other hand I am busy with work and kids and most of my need to be sociable is met through these contacts - there’s just a difference between people I’m friendly with and a real lifelong friend.

Oblomov22 · 14/01/2023 09:55

friendship levels

SleeplessInEngland · 14/01/2023 09:57

I haven’t made any close friendships since my twenties. Luckily I made enough to sustain me, but it’s a shame it seems so difficult after a certain age. Almost like the older get the less of yourself you’re willing to give up, which is the foundation of any strong bond.

Pillowjoy · 14/01/2023 10:00

Nimbostratus100 · 14/01/2023 05:01

You just haven't met the right people yet. Most people you meet in life are reasonably nice, very few will you have that deep connection with. You cant make a close friend out of people who are not compatible with you on that deeper level, just superficial friendships. But there will be a certain proportion of people in you locality that are more deeply compatible with you, just keep an open mind, and when you do meet them, you will give yourself a chance to get to know them

Come back here in 5 years time, and tell us about the long term friends you have made

I agree in principle, but my own experience over the past decade suggests that, especially in a fairly small place, compatible people simply may not be in geographical reach. I’m a friendly, confident person and did all the right things in terms of getting involved and putting myself out there during my almost eight years in a large village — attended and later ended up running a baby/toddler group, had a child in the village school, volunteered in various village initiatives like litterpicking, went to the pub, used the local businesses, joined things, hosted play dates, invited people around (all around a FT job), but nothing. Looking back (from a place where I’ve had no problem making friends), it was a mismatch. I was just the wrong kind of person to appeal to the kind of people who lived nearby (too foreign in a place where everyone else had been local for generations, working mother where that was very rare, left wing in a very High Tory area etc). And they didn’t really appeal to me either, now that I look back. No one’s fault.

GrumpyInsomniac · 14/01/2023 10:02

BatshitCrazyWoman · 14/01/2023 09:46

The WI near me has monthly meetings at 1 pm on a Wednesday, so only good if you don't work on Wednesdays...

Show quote history

Yes, where we moved to a lot of the interest based groups meet during working hours. And when you ask them at an event where they are clearly trying to recruit, whether they might consider an occasional meet-up on an evening or weekend, they’re adamant their members are happy as they are, even as I, and likely others, are telling them they can’t join because of the timing.

My local WI actually meets on an evening, but I was the youngest there by 25 years so not ideal for finding friends closer to my age. We’re about to buy a house somewhere else. Still north, and with a different WI and hopefully other things to offer where I can meet people. I love my DH but I really would like a close female friend or two nearby.

OfCourseChangs · 14/01/2023 10:18

I have relocated twice in my life and as we grew up in a rural idyll with not much going on everyone ended up scattered to the four winds. We stay in touch but I wished they lived down the road. There is just three of us now as two have died. I also had a very dear friend who I met at work about a decade ago die. They left a gap. I have known one of them for 50 years as we met on the first day of primary school.

It’s a numbers game, I retired early and have remained in touch and meet up with three old colleagues but two have moved away and the other has a disabled partner and an ageing Mother so is short of time. They are really decent friends.

So I have put myself out there, have tried voluntary jobs and am in three walking groups, hiking is a serious hobby for me so it’s not like I just tried it. Also tried two choirs. I have from that trawl 6 decent friends. I have a very deep friendship with one of them of the sort you are describing and want. I do have nice friendships with the others.

I tried a yoga class but they were immediately over friendly so I didn’t return.

Its a numbers game like dating. One of my voluntary jobs is fine and the people are actually very nice but I can tell there is no one there I want to hang out with. The other is a newer voluntary job of only a couple of months but I could see myself becoming quite good friends with a couple of them.

Coffeepot72 · 14/01/2023 12:59

So I have put myself out there, have tried voluntary jobs and am in three walking groups, hiking is a serious hobby for me so it’s not like I just tried it. Also tried two choirs. I have from that trawl 6 decent friends. I have a very deep friendship with one of them of the sort you are describing and want. I do have nice friendships with the others.

My situation is similar, I now have a group of nice friends but it didn’t happen by accident. You need an element of luck too.

FlowersFlowersEverywhere · 14/01/2023 13:05

If you’re over 45 search for Tangent instead

ChungusBoi · 14/01/2023 13:12

Look at the demographic of where you now live - check out the census pages. City people tend to get used to having lots of people who are younger around. I moved to a small village for a while and I made friends I would have a glass of wine and a laugh with through joining a book group…..nearly all of them were in their 50s and older.

The younger people my age were fewer in number seemed very busy with work and kids, so it was harder to strike up friendships. But it was ok, and I stay in touch with a couple of them.

Coffeepot72 · 14/01/2023 13:18

I should also say there have been several recent threads like this - so many people are struggling to make new friends and it’s shame there’s not an easier way of matching everyone up!

BatshitCrazyWoman · 14/01/2023 13:59

GrumpyInsomniac · 14/01/2023 10:02

Yes, where we moved to a lot of the interest based groups meet during working hours. And when you ask them at an event where they are clearly trying to recruit, whether they might consider an occasional meet-up on an evening or weekend, they’re adamant their members are happy as they are, even as I, and likely others, are telling them they can’t join because of the timing.

My local WI actually meets on an evening, but I was the youngest there by 25 years so not ideal for finding friends closer to my age. We’re about to buy a house somewhere else. Still north, and with a different WI and hopefully other things to offer where I can meet people. I love my DH but I really would like a close female friend or two nearby.

Show quote history

I've got a whole list of things to join once I'm retired! Even the much-lauded (on Mumsnet) Meet Up groups all start early, before I'm actually home from work ...

Mary46 · 14/01/2023 14:27

I agree a hobby is good. Op def hard as we get older. I realised I had to change my mindset a bit too and get myself out. Worked in a tennis place awful clicks so depends on the sport. My friend in a choir she enjoys it

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 14/01/2023 17:15

@GrumpyInsomniac My WI is in the north east, meets in the evening and I’m in my mid 40’s. I’m probably at the younger end but by no means the only one of my age group! When you move feel free to send me a message, you’d be more than welcome!

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 14/01/2023 17:15

*send me a message to see if it’s close, that was meant to say

Original poster
Townie221 · 14/01/2023 18:42

Thanks guys - becca I will be your friend too!

I've been out and about today so haven't been able to reply.

I might look into some groups and clubs I don't know - and please don't take offence anyone! - it feels a little bit desperate to me to have to do that... does that make sense? We always sort of assume it happens naturally and thr right people pop up when they are supposed to but they haven't so I think I do need to do more. I sort of feel if I do join a few groups it will be for the sake of it so that puts me off.

I don't know, it's hard to explain.

OP posts:
Original poster
Townie221 · 14/01/2023 18:59

Maybe I don't want any more disappointments!! Sounds defeatist I know...

OP posts:
Daydre4mer · 14/01/2023 22:13

@Townie221 I get that. It’s a bit sad isn’t it really. I have lots of ‘acquaintances’ that I can talk to here and there but not that close friendship where you meet up

GrumpyInsomniac · 15/01/2023 16:14

Yes! So frustrating. And I’m a long way from retirement so need an interim strategy. I like the idea of queuing up some groups ahead of time, though.

GrumpyInsomniac · 15/01/2023 16:18

Thanks, that’s so kind. We’re moving to Cumbria so not sure North East would work, although tbh I’d be happy to travel a reasonable distance for the right mix of people.

The two people I get on best with in our current village are in their eighties, so nothing against an older demographic per se. But I’d like friends I can grow old with, so need to find some younger ones in with the older.

Our vendor is involved in the nearest WI to the new house and has promised to introduce me when the time comes. I’m hoping that being closer to towns, there might be a broader age spectrum.

Nanny0gg · 15/01/2023 16:28

Sports clubs, Book groups. Walking groups. Volunteering. WI

There are loads of WIs out there, some with a very much younger than expected demographic. You can visit as many as you like to get a 'feel' for around a fiver.
They all do different activities, have different sub-groups and you don't have to be a crafter or a baker. Some are traditional, most now are probably not.
But I've made loads of friends through mine. Women I'd never clapped eyes on before and I've lived here 30 years!