To have cried over DS behaviour?

[BargainBlunt]

DS is 3.5.

Nursery have called in the local authority to provide advice/support on DS. They aren't saying much more, just that there are concerns. I have spoken to GP who is v. dismissive, I completed forms but have since been told by HV I was given out of date forms by GP so now have to wait for them to have rejected and then can 'do other forms but little chance of being seen for 2 years or so", HV tells me not to bother as "it's not autism but anxiety" due to 'trauma' (she thinks covid plus moving house means trauma is causing the behavioural issues). Family and DH tell me there is nothing going on...just need to be firmer, DS takes the piss out of me cos he can etc.

Anyway, just tried to take DS for a haircut. A special kids place with cars. Spent all week talking about it, showing him videos, reading books. He was excited about going this morning. I even booked a double appointment to allow for all the tears and refusal.

DS tried to wreck the place. He licked the walls. He tried to lick the receptionist's face in a kind of mania. He climbed on top of strangers. He ran out into the street and road numerous times. He lay down in the street. Wouldn't let me near him. The hairdresser tried to corner him at one point and he screamed like a wild animal. We gave up after 40 mins. He then tried to run into random houses on the way home. Hid in a bush.

I cried in the car and called DH. DH told me I was making it all a bigger deal than it needed to be

"Stop over thinking everything"

I honestly feel like I'm gaslit. We keep having episodes like that and DH, GP, MiL, HV keep telling me it's just 'some kids'. Nursery staff seem to think something going on for DS too but everyone close to me thinks I'm being dramatic.

DH said me crying was making it all worse.

DS apologised in the car. Said he was scared. Kept saying "hair cup ouchy" and "sorry mummy". Which did make me feel awful. Should I not let him see me upset?

Hairdresser at one point said "poor boy has got his hair all in his eyes. you need to get that sorted mum" while I was trying to pin him down so he wouldn't tear the posters off the wall.

I mean....it's upsetting isn't it? I feel like everyone is saying basically this is normal mum stuff and I'm just not coping.

Am I being OTT? Do I just need to get my shit together? Is parenting a 3 year old boy really just this hard? I am finding it really hard to not tearful and DH is getting frustrated with me.

I cried quite a few times when DD was around that age!

I wanted to add that neuro differences are highly heritable. If that's what it is, it'll all come out at some point - probably turn out your DH and/or siblings did similar and MIL is massively in denial. Filling in forms for diagnosis may be quite an eye-opener. It was here.

It doesn't sound to me as though you are making tooo much out of it. Even if it turns out to be a phase of some sort, it still is awful now. You need a lot more support than you are getting. Parenting is hard.

Huge sympathy to you OP. That sounds like a horribly stressful situation. I have a DS with ASD/ADHD and whilst I've not experienced this kind of thing, I've very definitely had moments in his childhood where I've cried over certain situations and behaviours.

Just echoing what others have said here:
-none of us can diagnose your DS, but there are lots of things in your posts that scream out some kind of neurodiversity / sensory overload
-the fact that nursery have flagged concerns and requested support is a major thing - they are the experts and they clearly think something is worth investigating
-it is really common for extended family members to be 'in denial' and to find excuses for non-typical behaviours - or to blame them on 'parenting'.

The haircut is neither here nor there really. Maybe you made it worse by spending ages beforehand preparing him, maybe you didn't. Maybe he would never have coped anyway. Yes, you can try and trim the worst bits of his hair when he's asleep. The real point is that there is enough going on here with his behaviour and speech, plus nursery having concerns, to warrant exploring with professionals. Definitely keep a diary of behaviours, meltdowns and potential triggers etc. And yes yes yes to just parenting him as if he is on the spectrum even if you don't yet have a diagnosis - as a teacher friend once said to me, so much of what is recommended to support neurodiverse children is often just really common sense stuff. Good luck.

DD1 was in preschool only a few weeks before they called in the inclusion service. 1:1 agreed immediately. Very similar to your DS. She was diagnosed with a brain malformation, global developmental delay, then later moderate learning disabilities. However, many of her difficulties were actually her ASD, which wasn't diagnosed until she was 15 (because they put everything down to her brain malformation).

Listen to the nursery not your DH they will know where children need to be and when they need a bit of extra support. Have they referred to the send department of your LA? Some LAs have a preschool forum where they support nurseries with training, salt and funding. Children are on the radar for school when an assessment may be needed. Try not to worry. My DS (5) had meltdowns when going to the hairdressers and he was referred to salt with speech delay. After starting reception he came on so much it's amazing. He now also goes to the hairdressers too! I cut his hair myself until he was at school and now he's fine.

My kids are a handful but that's not normal. Sounds like ASD to me

As someone who has brought up a very challenging boy that often brought me to tears, this doesn't sound normal and I would suspect some kind of sensory disability. And for the second time today, I'd recommend a self referral to your local Homestart who can offer you some weekly support which you're clearly not getting at home.

My 3 year old hasn't had a proper hair cut yet, as he has a complete meltdown. He doesn't run but gets extremely distressed and it's not something I'm prepared to out either of us through. His hair is gorgeous and curly, so we let it grow and I cut it while he's asleep when the weather gets hotter.
His speech was delayed and he has some sensory issues, so we have involvement from the paediatrician, speech and language and our HV - nothing is definitive enough for a diagnosis as yet.

I would suggest your DH takes him to the hairdresser - but ASD kids learn to mask and then hold back the melt-down for their trusted carer.

A hair cut is not worth it if he needs to be pinned down for it tbh.
can you do it yourself? Or DH?

Sounds like he’s got some additional needs. You must’ve realised it more deeply hence, the tears. It’s completely normal.
You’ve to make arrangements for the assessments, etc.
It’s very, very likely it’ll take your husband much longer to come round to the idea. You don’t need to delay getting help for your DS because of that though…

She isn't

So sorry to read about your awful experience. It really doesn't sound like normal behaviour for an almost 4 year old, It sounds like the hairdresser experience triggered some sort of sensory overload. My DD is autistic and could not tolerate the hairdresser even touching her head far less cutting her hair when she was little. Even hair brushing and washing was a major challenge until she reached her teens. I'm not saying that your DS is autistic but with the types of behaviours and speech delay you are describing, I think a professional assessment is needed. Speak to nursery to see what they can arrange, but if necessary be prepared to go down the private route if you can.

As other people have said, extended family members can be the worst at accepting that a child may have difficulties that are more than just "naughtiness". You are his mum, you know him best, and you are the one to decide if you need professional help.

FWIW, I do not agree at all with PPs who suggest that your DH takes him to the hairdresser the next time. There are likely only to be two outcomes - meltdown or extreme masking resulting in other problems, perhaps even a meltdown, later on - and neither is a good option for your DS. However, I do think that you should try to ensure that your DH is having enough 1-1 time with your DS to see the problems for himself.

PS your HV sounds like a right numpty. And she is not professionally trained to diagnose developmental problems. So ignore, ignore, ignore.

I should say the reason I say DH should take him is- if he thinks it’s easy and you are the issue then taking him there might ‘prove’ it’s not you- and if he manages to get his haircut then that is a win- and he can do that job from now on. It might prove nothing to him, but if nursery have concerns, you’re in tears and you need help, then get the forms sorted if possible. You can apply for EHCP without a diagnosis AND you can ask for the assessment yourself.

Oh OP I really feel for you. Another autism mum here 👋

Your HV sounds utterly useless, both by dismissing any possibility of autism and by not picking up on the support it sounds like he needs with his speech.

I’m saying this gently, but what you’ve said sounds incredibly similar to my son at the same age. Haircuts genuinely did and still do hurt him. I don’t understand why or how because I feel things differently to how he does, and I confess that to start with I didn’t believe him because how could a haircut possibly hurt? To him though it does. We actually once got thrown out of a barber’s shop, mid haircut. The extremely smug and patronising two young women working in there informed us that “well behaved children get given a sticker in this shop” and we left meekly with half a haircut and no sticker. I’m pretty sure I cried on that occasion. He’s 17 now and for the past 14 years he’s had the same haircut - number 3 all over with clippers - because it isn’t safe either for him or the person cutting his hair (I do it myself since lockdown) to go anywhere near him with scissors.

DS was a champion licker from aged around 2 to about 9. He mainly licked windows and mirrors, but also people.

Honestly OP so much of what you’ve said resonates. It’s great to hear that the nursery is being so proactive - hopefully he’ll get the help he needs fairly soon. If you can afford to, it would be well worth going private to see if it is autism.

Sending love and understanding. x

I'm in bloody tears again reading all your advice and support. I need to get my shit together!

DH has seen DS extreme behaviour. And is very worried and down about it. He blames us/me though mainly.

DS is very sensitive to emotions. He says "mummy don't be sad" even if I just go quiet for a second. His imagination is also off the scale. There is a lion who lives in our kitchen. He hates flowers because he calls them snakes. He also talks to an imaginary friend called "Charlie" lot and actually he calls all kids at nursery "Charlie". He tells me all his toys belong to Charlie. There is no Charlie in our family or anything.

He is obsessed with me. Follows me round the house all day.

He can be very "naughty". Turning off all the lights. Turning up the volume on the TV as loud as it goes constantly. DH gets v annoyed with him. He tried to pin him down today and I went mad.

When DS has meltdowns like today he whispers "mummy help me" in between the tears and running from wall to wall. Breaks my heart.

I love him so bloody much. I just want to help him. He's so happy with me at home but we struggle so much doing stuff. Parties, playdates, toddler groups etc are all nightmares.

Anyway sorry for ramble. I am pushing with GP and HV a lot but I'm getting so much push back and just nothing happening. I tried to go private but they told me they had a long waiting list themselves

DH doesn't get upset. He gets angry. Sometimes I wish he'd just piss off!

He is not naughty
Behaviour is communication
Try make notes ABC
Antecedent what triggers it? Can you alter the environment
Behaviour consequence ( what reaction does he get from dh or you? Does thst stop it? Can you chNge your response ?

Distract detract remove

OP do you have anyway to fund a private assessment? If you do, I would. Your child is not neurotypical and you know it and both of you need the support you deserve - wishing you support in the future xxxx

How has the health visitor concluded that this is caused by trauma? How has she ruled out ASD etc. Is she speaking above her competence? Your DH is also not facing the issues. Perhaps nursery are able to make referrals for further assessment, either from spearhead and language or the child development team? It’s probably a good thing that the nursery want to meet with you. Will your husband attend the meeting?

Spearhead = speech and language, sorry!

What a lovely mummy your DS has, you know what, whatever the issue (if any) he will be fine. You're totally got him held right.

Ok , so book another hair appt and let dh take him. Perhaps he can then explain the behaviour.

DH doesn't get upset. He gets angry. Sometimes I wish he'd just piss off!

This sounds really unhelpful of your DH to put it mildly and your comment about DH pinning him down is concerning. Do you think he could be more reasonable if DS had a diagnosis?

Also I’m not convinced about sending DH to the hairdresser if you think DS might have another meltdown.

DH and I just spoke on the phone. (Im seeing my mum quickly as shes been unwell). I started talking to DH about how difficult today was, and explaining my tears was because i am so worried for him, and that i felt we needed to push more with GP.

DH just said "you had a couple of glasses of wine have you?" (which I 100% have not) and then said "anyway I must get on".

I feel so alone in it. I don't get DH at all sometimes.

On the hair - definitely will do a trim while he sleeps and leave it for now.

OP, I have a child with SEN issues and a DH who previously never got it.

In my experience sometimes dads are a little less willing to see what is front of them because it is somehow more confrotning for them to think there might be something amiss with their child. IME DH took a couple of years longer to get to grips with this than I did as DS1s mother (he is now aged 12).

I would honestly suggest that you hand over quite a bit of the day to day grind to DH. You are clearly taking on a huge amount of it and this is effectively shielding him. He thinks you are making too much of it- fine. Hand it over to him.

He is a parent too. he is presumably a functioning adult. Let him manage it for a bit and do what you are doing for a bit. hand it over, say nothing and let him get on with it.