Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what you think when a divorcee gets engaged

145 replies

Redstopgreengo · 13/01/2023 10:36

Just that really. What goes through your mind when someone you know, who has been through a divorce, gets engaged to a serious partner? My DP and I have been discussing getting married and it's making me nervous telling people incase they judge. I want nothing more than to marry him and I'd happily run off and just do it without anyone knowing but he would love family and friends there and to be honest I would prefer that too but I'm scared there will be judgement and eye rolling since I've done it before.

OP posts:
Greensleevevssnotnose · 13/01/2023 14:33

Good call married 4 divorced three! The third one is tricky to be happy for

oversized · 13/01/2023 14:37

sorry if i've missed it but depends on how long the partner had been divorced for but if there was an engagement announced say a year or more after the divorce finalised, then fine.

i wouldn't say it in case it came out wrong or they got offended but i'd be wishing them better luck for this marriage.

Really not a scandal and great they'd found someone.

Original poster
Redstopgreengo · 13/01/2023 14:39

I'm definitely planning this one being my last Grin so no worries about the 3rd one being the one people judge! And we won't be doing a massive do but if we're not doing it just the 2 of us then I want to throw a good party!

OP posts:
AliceS1994 · 13/01/2023 15:06

I say this as someone who feels fairly bitterly towards second/third/more marriages after having parents go through multiple traumatic marriages and divorces....

I either don't care- honestly I do feel less excited about the engagement when younger friends get engaged for the time. I know I shouldn't but I do!

Worst case scenario I feel actively nauseous, especially when they're giddy and giggling and planning a huge white wedding.

I'm only being so honest as you asked and completely accept my views are not normal, or fair towards the innocent happy couple! I know many feel differently and you have every single right to be happy and celebrate your lovely relationship so I am sorry!

User359472111111 · 13/01/2023 15:06

Redstopgreengo · 13/01/2023 14:39

I'm definitely planning this one being my last Grin so no worries about the 3rd one being the one people judge! And we won't be doing a massive do but if we're not doing it just the 2 of us then I want to throw a good party!

Throw a good party sounds great.

I think some people raise an eyebrow when it’s obviously trying to outdo the previous one with overly complicated hen do, engagement parties, destination wedding, expensive gift list etc.

AlwaysCountYourPennies · 13/01/2023 15:33

ClubhouseGift · 13/01/2023 11:55

Well, you’re divorced, so barring addiction/abuse in your previous marriage I’d think it was a bit pointless as you’ve already shown a lack of ability to commit once.

What a horrible thing to say!
I commited to my marriage and kept my vows for 16 long years..... I divorced my ex on the grounds of his adultery.

I am totally committed to DH and have been for 18 years.

Ursuala · 13/01/2023 15:46

ClubhouseGift · 13/01/2023 11:55

Well, you’re divorced, so barring addiction/abuse in your previous marriage I’d think it was a bit pointless as you’ve already shown a lack of ability to commit once.

I always wonder about posters such as @ClubhouseGift and pity their children if they have any. I reckon they go NC when adults to escape the scorn and judgement.

AlwaysGoingBackwards · 13/01/2023 15:49

Being brutally honest I can’t get excited about it. All the fuss is fine once around but it’s sad when women play the blushing bride on anything but their first attempt.

mathanxiety · 13/01/2023 16:00

Depends on the people.

In the case of one couple I know who split up, I knew the woman would have a lovely, stable relationship with her new man, and that the man she was divorcing would eventually cheat on and hit his new wife just as he had done to his first.

Pirrin · 13/01/2023 16:02

I think most people will be happy for you, and it's certainly true that anyone who isn't is not worth your tears. But I think it's good to be prepared just in case you get an off comment.

I was taken totally by surprise when the spouse of a close family member said in the most scathing voice "Oh Pirrin, not again" when i called to invite them to the wedding (they declined to come). They had form for being a bit unpleasant to other people but never had to me so it still stung. There was also no lack of commitment on my part regarding the first marriage; he'd had an affair during what was alresdy a very traumatic time for me. I was so happy to have got my life back together and found someone else to start again with and didnt realise people might be funny about that. Some people are very judgemental though, so as I said it can't hurt to just be prepared.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 13/01/2023 16:04

I was just trying to think if I know anyone who’s on their 2nd or more marriage before I remembered I’m DH’s second wife Grin

I wouldn’t judge OP, and I don’t think most would. If you were doing it a la celebrity - like ten minutes after you’ve declared your love for one another - I might roll an eye. But for most normal people? Nah. Congratulations is about as far as I’d go.

NotSorry · 13/01/2023 16:09

NewFoxOldTricks · 13/01/2023 14:04

You did get engaged, when you decided to get married. thats engaged

Show quote history

I suppose so, but I didn’t have an engagement ring and we just said to people “we’re getting married”

Backstreetsbackalrightdadada · 13/01/2023 16:12

I’d be really happy for them!

Know someone who married young (div at 21), married again (abuser) and has married a third time (they’re very happy). Don’t judge anyone unless they’re abusive or mean, or if they just like the wedding cake and it’s getting expensive buying them wedding presents :)

Wishing you all the best and many more happy years ahead :)

ArcticSkewer · 13/01/2023 16:14

Honestly? Unless you get access to his pension or something I really wouldn't see the point, but none of my business. I wouldn't call it smart, but people do mad things all the time

SleepingStandingUp · 13/01/2023 16:30

AlwaysGoingBackwards · 13/01/2023 15:49

Being brutally honest I can’t get excited about it. All the fuss is fine once around but it’s sad when women play the blushing bride on anything but their first attempt.

What if she just plays the bride? I was living with and having sex with DH before we'd married, I'd also had sex with numerous men before him. I certainly wasn't a "blushing" bride

SleepingStandingUp · 13/01/2023 16:34

CanIusethisnameplease · 13/01/2023 14:23

My husbands dad has been married 4 times and his current wife three .

I laugh at that sometimes.

especially when they talk about how sad they were when the church wouldn’t marry them . Maybe they will get lucky with the next wedding 🫣

it wasn’t funny when I had to fill out my daughters first passport though - I remember that!

but in answer to your question, no I don’t think I would flicker an eye at a second marriage

Why does her grandads marriages impact her passport??

maddy68 · 13/01/2023 16:34

I think the same as any non divorcée

FLOWER1982 · 13/01/2023 16:35

I’d be really happy for them. It takes a lot of courage to end a relationship that isn’t working. To do that, and then go on to find happiness with someone else is amazing. Go for it!

SleepingStandingUp · 13/01/2023 16:36

Greensleevevssnotnose · 13/01/2023 14:33

Good call married 4 divorced three! The third one is tricky to be happy for

Why tho?

If your friend had a job, left it and got a new one you'd be happy they found a job they liked. If they lost that job and were unemployed for a but and then found a new job would you find it hard to be happy for them as surely they'll just lose this one too?

KohlaParasaurus · 13/01/2023 16:39

I might raise my eyebrows a little if someone who had been married before made a song and dance about "getting engaged" with a big announcement, a party, and the expectation of presents, but I'm very much in favour of people getting a second (or third or fourth) chance to have a happy marriage if that's what they want. With as big a wedding as they choose.

My DH and I have both been married before and if anyone had issues with us marrying one another they kept their mouths shut within our hearing and we had nothing but good wishes.

Raspberry290 · 13/01/2023 16:40

Second time fine, third time, weird

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 13/01/2023 16:42

I’ve always been very happy for people who have had an unhappy marriage, and have found a new ( and hopefully more auspicious ) partner.

What I personally find a bit odd is the whole white dress and veil (? virgin bride?) , ‘given away’ by male person fandango second time round. Have a nice wedding, but don’t pretend the first one didn’t exist…..

Cileymyrus · 13/01/2023 16:58

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 13/01/2023 16:42

I’ve always been very happy for people who have had an unhappy marriage, and have found a new ( and hopefully more auspicious ) partner.

What I personally find a bit odd is the whole white dress and veil (? virgin bride?) , ‘given away’ by male person fandango second time round. Have a nice wedding, but don’t pretend the first one didn’t exist…..

What if only one partner has been married before?

are they allowed the whole song and dance? Or do they have to forgo the dress and other traditions because their partner has already done all that?

AccidentallyRunToWindsor · 13/01/2023 17:01

Ahh that's lucky @ClubhouseGift, I was abused for years in my first marriage so I'm glad I get your pass to have a second one Wink

AccidentallyRunToWindsor · 13/01/2023 17:03

@Allthegoodnamesarechosen my DP and I have this chat often. Seems daft for my dad to 'give me away' and to have bridesmaids etc second time around. We might just fuck off to vegas and get it done and come back and have a massive party

Swipe left for the next trending thread