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Original poster

To ask what you think when a divorcee gets engaged

145 replies

Redstopgreengo · 13/01/2023 10:36

Just that really. What goes through your mind when someone you know, who has been through a divorce, gets engaged to a serious partner? My DP and I have been discussing getting married and it's making me nervous telling people incase they judge. I want nothing more than to marry him and I'd happily run off and just do it without anyone knowing but he would love family and friends there and to be honest I would prefer that too but I'm scared there will be judgement and eye rolling since I've done it before.

OP posts:
PenanceAdair · 13/01/2023 11:11

I don't see someone as a "divorcee" as if it's a personality that they can't or shouldn't be free from.

If someone (who just happens to have been married before and now divorced) gets engaged, it's a normal thing to do.

Anyone who sees it as odd, is the odd one.

BadNomad · 13/01/2023 11:13

What is there to judge? What is it you think is bad or wrong in this scenario?

phoenixrosehere · 13/01/2023 11:13

I would think nothing other than “that’s nice”.

Can2022getanyworse · 13/01/2023 11:14

I would (and have) judged a 3rd marriage, simply because the first two were both huge weddings at eye-watering expense and the third whilst more low-key was still far beyond modest.

Second marriages much less so, as long as its not a short time since the divorce and not to AP.

Testina · 13/01/2023 11:15

You don’t know anyone who has remarried after divorce? Wow!

bloodyeverlastinghell · 13/01/2023 11:16

I wish them well. I have a cousin though who had a fancy destination wedding paid for by parents. Whole family went. Divorced and five years later was having another fancy destination wedding. Much eye rolling and grumbling about cost. Only immediate family went; she was pissed off as everything had to bigger/ better/ more expensive than the first go round.

Dinodigger · 13/01/2023 11:17

Unless there is some back story with the couple then I would be happy for them!

Mountainpika · 13/01/2023 11:17

My husband was separated from his first wife when we met. Had to wait a couple of years for the divorce. (no quick divorces then) We were married, very low key register office with a few family and friends, four days after he received the final divorce papers.
Second marriages don't last? We were married in 1974 and are still happy together.

Pootles34 · 13/01/2023 11:18

I would think 'that's nice' then start wondering if we'd be invited, and then vague thoughts of hen do's and wedding outfits. I don't think most people would give this that much thought, would they? Divorce is so common nowadays, this really isn't a 'thing' anymore.

tirednewmumm · 13/01/2023 11:18

Not at all, as the others said only if there's an additional factor, it's really quick, new husband is old husbands brother or something Grin

SleepingStandingUp · 13/01/2023 11:18

Anyone who eye rolls etc isn't worth your effort or worry. People who care about you will be happy for you. So what if you've done it four times already, they should be happy for you in the now

Spellegrin · 13/01/2023 11:20

I'd wonder why they can be bothered getting engaged. Just get married if you want to. Wasn't getting engaged to do with saving up for a wedding etc? PS Disclaimer, I'm married (just the once!) and didn't get engaged.

AlwaysCountYourPennies · 13/01/2023 11:21

Who cares what anyone else thinks???

My 17 year marriage (no kids)ended when exdh told me about OW. The marriage wasn't great he was controlling, drank too much and I was constantly walking on eggshells............
8 weeks after we split I met my now DH..........I definitely wasn't looking for another relationship but we had so much in common and it was so right. We married 8 months after meeting and have now been together for over 18 years and have dc 17 and 15.
Most people were supportive as they could see how happy we were, I'm sure people had plenty to say behind my back ..........but who cares???

Do what makes you happy.

MrsSiriusBlack1 · 13/01/2023 11:22

I wouldn’t give a shite about other people thought tbh, just live your life.

Spikeyball · 13/01/2023 11:22

Someone I know recently announced their engagement 6 months after leaving their wife ( not divorced yet) and kids. This will be their 3rd marriage.I judged that one.
Other than those sort of circumstances I am happy for the couple.

Loachworks · 13/01/2023 11:24

I wouldn't think twice and would think it lovely. I do raise my eyebrows a bit when someone who has been divorced wants a huge wedding second, third and forth time around (I've been to one and the vows lose their power) but I aren't into big weddings.

butterfliedtwo · 13/01/2023 11:25

Good luck.

InTheFutilityRoomEatingBiscuits · 13/01/2023 11:26

Any marriage announcement makes me raise an eyebrow to be honest, I do wonder why people would want to do it and generally hope they are OK. In my friend circle it is an unusual choice and I’d wonder at the motivation and hope both parties are informed on what they are getting into. In the case of a second marriage, I might worry about that less as I assume if they’ve already faced the breaking of vows and complexities of divorce and are happy to do it again. It does come from a place of wishing people well, it’s just I’m at the life stage where everyone seems to be either splitting up or divorcing, and I’ve seen too many relationships use more commitment as a sticking plaster, ie marriage, emigration or baby, and have it fall apart very soon after. Again, on your second go around I’d worry about this less.

So maybe, less worried for you on the second try than the first, all in!

theycallmejane · 13/01/2023 11:27

I'd judge if you were still married, but if you'd got your decree absolute, I wouldn't.

Everyone is entitled to move on. I only judge when the lines between ending one relationship and starting a new one are blurred and have overlap.

Gronkle · 13/01/2023 11:28

I'm DH's second wife, when we hit engaged no one said a thing, everyone was super happy for us. As long as you've made a better choice for yourself, they'll be happy and if they aren't "fuck em"

Can2022getanyworse · 13/01/2023 11:34

Every single second marriage I know of has lasted longer than the first, on both sides.

That should tell you something.

MintJulia · 13/01/2023 11:37

I might rise an eyebrow if he's your 7th husband but otherwise, it wouldn't occur to me.

Enjoy your wedding 😀

SnackSizeRaisin · 13/01/2023 11:48

I wouldn't care whether someone is a divorcée. I might be a bit judgy if they had had an affair or very recent break up or children involved unhappy with situation but the fact that they'd been married before would not make any difference

User359472111111 · 13/01/2023 11:51

Honestly, if I was your friend, it would entirely depend on the person you were marrying. If they made you happy, treated you with respect, then I would be so happy for you.

If there are kids in the equation, I wouldn’t judge but I would be more wary.

ClubhouseGift · 13/01/2023 11:55

Well, you’re divorced, so barring addiction/abuse in your previous marriage I’d think it was a bit pointless as you’ve already shown a lack of ability to commit once.