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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what you think when a divorcee gets engaged

145 replies

Redstopgreengo · 13/01/2023 10:36

Just that really. What goes through your mind when someone you know, who has been through a divorce, gets engaged to a serious partner? My DP and I have been discussing getting married and it's making me nervous telling people incase they judge. I want nothing more than to marry him and I'd happily run off and just do it without anyone knowing but he would love family and friends there and to be honest I would prefer that too but I'm scared there will be judgement and eye rolling since I've done it before.

OP posts:
shieldmaiden7 · 13/01/2023 11:55

I'm divorced and remarried and only got congratulations for people.

Reugny · 13/01/2023 11:56

Mountainpika · 13/01/2023 11:17

My husband was separated from his first wife when we met. Had to wait a couple of years for the divorce. (no quick divorces then) We were married, very low key register office with a few family and friends, four days after he received the final divorce papers.
Second marriages don't last? We were married in 1974 and are still happy together.

I've got a few friends who are their husband's second spouse.

Their husbands got married first in their early to mid-twenties. By the time they married them they were in their late 30s on wards.

I also have a friend who is her husband's third spouse and he is her second spouse. First time both got married they were clearly too immature. The second time he got cheated on. This time they went out for about 12 years, so longer than they had both been married, before they decided to tie the knot.

Reugny · 13/01/2023 11:58

ClubhouseGift · 13/01/2023 11:55

Well, you’re divorced, so barring addiction/abuse in your previous marriage I’d think it was a bit pointless as you’ve already shown a lack of ability to commit once.

Weird.

I know plenty of couples who have been with their present partner either married or in a long term relationship, for decades longer than they were married.

Sceptre86 · 13/01/2023 12:01

If I liked you I be happy for you. If I didn't know you very well I wouldn't be that bothered. Do what you want.

HangoverSquare · 13/01/2023 12:02

If it was 1923 I'd probably think: what a brazen harlot she is moving from man to another.

In 2023 I think: that's nice.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/01/2023 12:04

I have to say OP that I never thought of myself as a divorcee. Being divorced wasn’t a defining character trait or status that I had, likewise being a wife before or after it isn’t a massive part of my identity. I’ve also never thought of anyone I know as a husband, wife or divorcee in particular above other things about them.

Zonder · 13/01/2023 12:07

I only ask because I don't know anyone who's been divorced and then remarried so I wasn't sure how well it's usually taken

Really? I bet you do. I have a few friends who I didn't realise were on second marriages until I had known them some time. I'd be surprised if anyone even thinks twice about it.

MintJulia · 13/01/2023 12:12

ClubhouseGift · 13/01/2023 11:55

Well, you’re divorced, so barring addiction/abuse in your previous marriage I’d think it was a bit pointless as you’ve already shown a lack of ability to commit once.

Wow. That's pretty judgemental.

Plenty of couples get married far too young, to the wrong person and it all falls apart.

Second time round they are older, wiser and make a much better choice. It isn't about an inability to commit, more likely just immaturity and lack of experience.

Original poster
Redstopgreengo · 13/01/2023 12:12

ClubhouseGift · 13/01/2023 11:55

Well, you’re divorced, so barring addiction/abuse in your previous marriage I’d think it was a bit pointless as you’ve already shown a lack of ability to commit once.

There was a lack of commitment from one person in the relationship but that wasn't me...

Reading these replies has definitely made me feel silly about worrying in the first place so thank you all (well most)! I always feel a little embarrassed knowing I've done it before but if I hadn't I wouldn't be the person I am today or with the man I'm with so I guess it really shouldn't be an embarrassing thing.

OP posts:
Ursuala · 13/01/2023 12:13

Fingers crossed!

Roseelane · 13/01/2023 12:13

I'd think 'ahh that's nice, they've found true love!' whether they'd been married before or not.

Roseelane · 13/01/2023 12:15

ClubhouseGift · 13/01/2023 11:55

Well, you’re divorced, so barring addiction/abuse in your previous marriage I’d think it was a bit pointless as you’ve already shown a lack of ability to commit once.

Wow, what an unusual view! I'd think being divorced shows strength of character, as it can be really difficult to leave a marriage, and an ability to 'do the right thing'. A commitment to the right thing, if you will.

minipie · 13/01/2023 12:17

KindergartenKop · 13/01/2023 10:37

I'd think 'congrats'.

Unless it's about 3 minutes since they split up with previous DH.

I think third time around I would be more skeptical though.

This exactly.

Tonty · 13/01/2023 12:18

If anyone wanted to judge you they'd have judged you when you first started dating again not wait until you got engaged. What's there to judge after you've got engaged?

SeaweedGarters · 13/01/2023 12:22

The only thing I think is odd about your post, OP, is that you think of yourself as a 'divorcée' -- to me that's as weirdly arbitrary as thinking of yourself as a 'former accountancy student' or 'someone who used to water-ski'. You used to be married to someone. So have lots of other people. Go ahead and marry the guy if that's what you want.

CheesyCrumpet · 13/01/2023 12:22

I'd be as happy for them as I would be for anyone getting married for the first time.
Go for it, congratulations.

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 13/01/2023 12:23

I’d think “congratulations, wish you every happiness” on hearing you were getting married.

If there was an announcement or celebration or something about Being Engaged I’d probably think it’s a bit weird. You’re older and more mature now, if you want to get married, just do it.

I think usually the time between deciding to get married and doing it is usually saving up to afford a wedding.

restisall · 13/01/2023 12:23

I just like going to weddings tbh so my thoughts would be along the lines of ‘I hope I get an invite’

Whyisitsososohard · 13/01/2023 12:28

Nothing really. I'd just be happy for you. I reckon if it's 5th time around or something I'd wonder but keep my mouth shut! As each to their own!

QuantumWeatherButterfly · 13/01/2023 12:43

No one was anything but happy for us when I got engaged to a divorcee.

MyLittleSausageDog · 13/01/2023 12:44

I wouldn’t think anything apart from being happy for them.

Raveon2000 · 13/01/2023 12:47

I'm divorced last year (separated 5 years) and plan on getting engaged this year, I don't bother with what others may think. I know I'm happy and it's the right choice for me

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 13/01/2023 12:48

I would think someone's got engaged, and be happy for them. Whether they've been married or in a committed relationship before is a consideration that wouldn't enter my head. These days I would think few people care.

I also don't understand the constant repetition that 2nd-time brides can't wear whatever colour they choose on their wedding day. White and cream are not a symbol of purity; that used to be blue, until Queen Victoria set the fashion for white on her wedding day. And that's all it is, a fashion!

Wishing you every happiness, OP.

ThreeblackCats · 13/01/2023 12:56

I can say, hand on heart that I’ve never given a moments thought to divorcees getting engaged.
Have you previously judged all the newly engaged divorcees you’ve known op?

Toooldtoworry · 13/01/2023 12:59

I'm on my third marriage. Tbh should have married this one the first time (we were childhood sweethearts) but you live and learn.

We married 2 years after the ink dried on my divorce. Don't give a stuff what anyone thinks.