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Original poster

To ask what you think when a divorcee gets engaged

145 replies

Redstopgreengo · 13/01/2023 10:36

Just that really. What goes through your mind when someone you know, who has been through a divorce, gets engaged to a serious partner? My DP and I have been discussing getting married and it's making me nervous telling people incase they judge. I want nothing more than to marry him and I'd happily run off and just do it without anyone knowing but he would love family and friends there and to be honest I would prefer that too but I'm scared there will be judgement and eye rolling since I've done it before.

OP posts:
fufulina · 13/01/2023 13:01

I always think of that quote - and I can’t remember who said it - that second marriages are a triumph of hope over experience…

GCAcademic · 13/01/2023 13:05

Generally, that I'm happy for them, but hope that I'm not going to have to fork out hundreds of pounds again on attending their wedding and buying them a gift.

CousinKrispy · 13/01/2023 13:07

I wouldn't think anything of it, OP, so many people have been through the breakdown of long-term relationships and there's nothing wrong with marrying again. A few weirdos out there will judge anything they get a chance to but try to ignore them. Congratulations and I hope you have a lovely wedding.

NewFoxOldTricks · 13/01/2023 13:07

Redstopgreengo · 13/01/2023 10:46

Unfortunately I work with some people who can be like that.

I only ask because I don't know anyone who's been divorced and then remarried so I wasn't sure how well it's usually taken but I'm so glad to see most people aren't judgemental about it! (And it's been over 5 years together and longer since the divorce so definitely not a rushed one haha)

Show quote history

fuck their opinion

I would only judge if you're on your 5th wedding or so, and just think that maybe you hould think a little before getting hitched, but wouldnt say it to you as not my place

TenoringBehind · 13/01/2023 13:09

in so far as I’d think about it (which isn’t very much), I’d think it was lovely. A second chance of happiness etc.
second marriages usually seem to be much happier ones in my social circle.

CousinKrispy · 13/01/2023 13:11

ClubhouseGift · 13/01/2023 11:55

Well, you’re divorced, so barring addiction/abuse in your previous marriage I’d think it was a bit pointless as you’ve already shown a lack of ability to commit once.

Aww, nice of you to stick the boot in. There are a surprising number of people who have experienced abuse, addiction, or other very serious issues from a spouse that meant the healthiest choice was to end the marriage and move on. Funnily enough you're probably not privy to that level of private detail about everyone else's relationship history, so I guess you'll never know which divorces out there meet your criteria and which don't. Shrug.

Thepeopleversuswork · 13/01/2023 13:15

Firstly a divorcee isn't a special kind of human with a genetic defect or moral failings. They are just a person who happens to have been married and who is no longer married. So I don't think someone who is divorced is intrinsically less likely to make a success of being married than someone who has never been married.

I wouldn't judge because everyone is entitled to a second (or even third) chance at being married if that's what floats their boat.

But I would scratch my head as to why anyone would put themselves through it again. A failing marriage and a divorce is one of the most stressful things you can experience and it costs many people a shit ton of money. I can understand going into it for the first time, wide-eyed and full of ideals about love and "the one" and all that jazz.

Having gone through marriage, having realised how underwhelming the reality is and how painful it is to extract yourself, I think anyone who wilfully puts themself through that again has a screw loose. But it's a free country and people can do what they want.

SleepingStandingUp · 13/01/2023 13:18

GCAcademic · 13/01/2023 13:05

Generally, that I'm happy for them, but hope that I'm not going to have to fork out hundreds of pounds again on attending their wedding and buying them a gift.

Well thankfully its an invitation not a summons. Just make it clear you have no interest in celebrating with them as you see their repeated weddings as a financial burden

Puppyseahorse · 13/01/2023 13:19

We did this. My DH was divorced. I felt the same as you, especially as id had friends previously make ‘lol’ or ‘how cringe’ type comments about others who were marrying after divorce. But to be honest, I got over it in the end and didn’t really care. I think it depends on age- if you’re in your 30s, I think it’ll be easier than 20s.

PerpetualFailure · 13/01/2023 13:20

I wouldn't care. Impressed they had found someone again. Worry about myself, but not judge them!

Squirespot · 13/01/2023 13:22

ClubhouseGift · 13/01/2023 11:55

Well, you’re divorced, so barring addiction/abuse in your previous marriage I’d think it was a bit pointless as you’ve already shown a lack of ability to commit once.

What the fuck!

SleepingStandingUp · 13/01/2023 13:22

InTheFutilityRoomEatingBiscuits · 13/01/2023 11:26

Any marriage announcement makes me raise an eyebrow to be honest, I do wonder why people would want to do it and generally hope they are OK. In my friend circle it is an unusual choice and I’d wonder at the motivation and hope both parties are informed on what they are getting into. In the case of a second marriage, I might worry about that less as I assume if they’ve already faced the breaking of vows and complexities of divorce and are happy to do it again. It does come from a place of wishing people well, it’s just I’m at the life stage where everyone seems to be either splitting up or divorcing, and I’ve seen too many relationships use more commitment as a sticking plaster, ie marriage, emigration or baby, and have it fall apart very soon after. Again, on your second go around I’d worry about this less.

So maybe, less worried for you on the second try than the first, all in!

You'd worry for someone's welfare if they announced they were getting married? Tad extreme eh?

Namechanger355 · 13/01/2023 13:26

Gosh I’ve only been to second weddings recently. These couples have found happiness second time around - not a big deal.

Third time around and i May have other thoughts

SleepingStandingUp · 13/01/2023 13:27

ClubhouseGift · 13/01/2023 11:55

Well, you’re divorced, so barring addiction/abuse in your previous marriage I’d think it was a bit pointless as you’ve already shown a lack of ability to commit once.

So if someone marries at 25, and realises by 30 there's just no connection there anymore, both grown and changed, no kids as it never felt right, little to no sex except maybe if you're both drunk and horny, basically living separate lives do you
A. Think one should cheat to justify a divorce and moving on with someone new.
B. Think they should divorce but both remain single as they clearly made one bad choice already
C. Both stay in a loveless marriage, no infidelity just basically housemates locked together for the next potentially 60 years?

NotSorry · 13/01/2023 13:27

I'm married to a divorcee - we didn't get engaged (we thought it a bit weird as he'd been married before) we got married after 3 years together - 30th wedding anniversary this year. I don't have an engagement ring but he's bought me lots of other rings over the years, so I'm not hard done by

Namechanger355 · 13/01/2023 13:28

Some real crazies on this thread today..

diddl · 13/01/2023 13:30

My first husband left me for someone else & I don't think that anyone was anything other than happy for me.

It was my husband's first wedding & he wanted family & friends there.

I couldn't tell him no because I had done that!

I also invited the same friends & relatives as the first time as they were still the people I wanted there.

Obviously if anyone had objected they could have declined.

Cileymyrus · 13/01/2023 13:30

SleepingStandingUp · 13/01/2023 13:18

Well thankfully its an invitation not a summons. Just make it clear you have no interest in celebrating with them as you see their repeated weddings as a financial burden

Show quote history

In laws did this. We had a very small, quick wedding in Europe. Out of school, so not hugely expensive.

in laws had already been to that destination so gave it a miss 😂. They were retired on decent pensions each and went on holiday a couple of times a year.

my first marriage, dh’s second. We didn’t feel right doing a big wedding as it was his second.

I think they went to his exes second marriage (with the OM) to “help with the kids”. That was a proper church and reception job.

most will be fine with it, but some will have odd ideas.

diddl · 13/01/2023 13:34

My first husband left me for someone else & I don't think that anyone was anything other than happy for me.

When I got engaged for the second time that should say!

Although we didn't have a party, just bought a ring & set a date.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 13/01/2023 13:39

It depends how recent and what the reason for the first marriage failing was, and to be fair I'd unlikely have the facts there, so unless it was a very public car crash mess of a divorce I'd assume they knew what they were doing and feel pleased for them.

I do know one abusive guy who is currently very serious with post divorce girlfriend (who has no idea, he's very good at masking), so if they announced a wedding I'd be worried for her (but as friend of the ex wife she wouldn't listen to me if I tried to tell her, she's in love and he's a catch).

Alici · 13/01/2023 13:40

My DM was married to my DF for 10 years from being teenagers, had children together and they both cheated on one another. She remarried the OM very soon after divorcing DF and was married for 15+ years. I was too young to have an opinion on their marriage at the time but as I grew up I thought they were well suited. She wasn't suited to my DF so I felt she had made a mistake in her first marriage and this was where she should be. They were pushed into a young marriage due to his career and religious grandparents I think. I never held the infidelity over her or DSF because she was now happy and it all ended as it should have. (DF was also very happy with his life now). After 20+ years being married DM & DSF both had affairs again, with other people. She moved on, within a year, with a mutual friend of theirs (I don't believe he was OM). Very nice man, already very well known to our family and we were already close to his children so all bonded easily and enjoy getting together. Our children have now grown up together and all is well. They were together 20 years and announced a surprise wedding. Not meaning to sound like Prince Harry here, but I did not see the point. He was already a huge part of the family and they were always treated as a unit and invited together. His family also embraced DM (his wife died many years ago).

So its a million factors. Reason for divorce, how many engagements you've had etc. Second wedding I wouldn't think was odd at all, I would just assume the first one didn't go as planned. By the third I would wonder why you were bothering.

NewFoxOldTricks · 13/01/2023 14:04

NotSorry · 13/01/2023 13:27

I'm married to a divorcee - we didn't get engaged (we thought it a bit weird as he'd been married before) we got married after 3 years together - 30th wedding anniversary this year. I don't have an engagement ring but he's bought me lots of other rings over the years, so I'm not hard done by

You did get engaged, when you decided to get married. thats engaged

CanIusethisnameplease · 13/01/2023 14:23

My husbands dad has been married 4 times and his current wife three .

I laugh at that sometimes.

especially when they talk about how sad they were when the church wouldn’t marry them . Maybe they will get lucky with the next wedding 🫣

it wasn’t funny when I had to fill out my daughters first passport though - I remember that!

but in answer to your question, no I don’t think I would flicker an eye at a second marriage

Want2beme · 13/01/2023 14:27

I'd think it was very good news & congratulate you both.

TheCraicDealer · 13/01/2023 14:31

I would only judge if you were looking to do the big engagement party/destination hen/flashy wedding thing after I’d shelled out for it the first time round on the basis that “you only do it once”. Luckily there are few second timers who get on like that, most people realise that’s not the stuff that matters at the end of the day. There’s definitely a level between all that carry on and eloping.