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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I have woken him up?

136 replies

StAlphonzospancakebreakfast · 13/01/2023 07:42

My partner and I have 3 children, the youngest is 4 and gets up every night (often several times) and comes into our room to ask for water or various things. She always wakes me up and not her dad. He never gets up with her in the night. Last night I had just managed to fall asleep and I felt her tapping me. I asked her to go and wake her dad up instead and she wouldn’t (she never will) so I woke him and asked him to deal with her. He jumped up and said that was the most selfish and privileged behaviour he had ever seen and that if I am awake anyway I should just continue to get up with her every night.
for context we both work part time and I also get up in the mornings 90% of the time and take the kids to school.
was I unreasonable?

OP posts:
FT123456 · 13/01/2023 07:44

I don't think your being unreasonable, your a partnership. Everything should be 50/50

EVHead · 13/01/2023 07:44

YANBU. Selfish git! Broken sleep is part of having children - why should he always get the unbroken nights’ sleep?!

MuggleMe · 13/01/2023 07:44

No chance he'd say the same if he was the one always being woken. You can be dozy enough to nudge the other parent and still fall back asleep when if you haul yourself out of bed you're properly awake.

bloodywhitecat · 13/01/2023 07:44

He's no more entitled to a full night's sleep than you are.

GrazingSheep · 13/01/2023 07:45

No.
You are just another in a long line of MN posters in a relationship with a man who is not nice.

Tontostitis · 13/01/2023 07:46

I can't vote on this as the obvious solution is to say no, go back to bed to the child not to wake another adult up.

OrlandointheWilderness · 13/01/2023 07:46

Ah you know 100% you weren't unreasonable otherwise you wouldn't start a thread! She's his DD too, why the hell can't he get up?! It does sound like something that needs to change though - I couldn't cope with that! 4 is old enough to understand we go to bed and stay there tbh.
Tell him he is a dick for not wanting to actually parent his child and a selfish one for ensuring you always get a broken night while he sleeps like a baby.

ohidoliketobe · 13/01/2023 07:48

Absolutely not BU.
One of mine wakes in the night, only once or twice and is very easy to settle. I'm a lighter sleeper so our general agreement is I deal with the wake ups, in return DH gets up with them to sort breakfasts (and lunches on school day) and I have an extra half hour in bed. If it's a bad night and there's several wakes and I'm struggling to settle her, DH gets woken to take his turn

SalviaOfficinalis · 13/01/2023 07:49

Keep on waking him up. You might find that DD doesn’t get up as much if she thinks it’s going to be DH dealing with her not you.

But no of course YANBU. Night wakings should either be 50/50, or the alternatively the person up in the night should get some extra sleep in the morning and the other parent gets to with the kids.

Sunbird24 · 13/01/2023 07:50

Agree it’s time for DD to start staying in bed all night. If she desperately needs water couldn’t she have a little drinks bottle on her nightstand, or is it more about the contact with you really?

If you waking him up to deal once with his own DD is the most selfish and entitled thing he’s ever seen then he’s clearly never looked in a mirror…

notforonesecond · 13/01/2023 07:51

Sounds like he’s not a very nice bloke and I imagine this isn’t the first time you’ve noticed. Not a surprise the 4 year old doesn’t want to wake him up if that’s how he acts.

Reluctantadult · 13/01/2023 07:52

I can see what he means, but it's much more unfair that you're doing so much more than him. However I don't think you need him to do more wake ups, I think you need a joint plan to improve your 4yos sleep. My daughter totally lost it with her sleep at 4yo and became a split sleeper, up from 1:30am for several hours. It nearly destroyed my marriage. In the end we employed a sleep consultant. She talked us through a method called bedtime passes which is a token based system with rewards for still having tokens on the morning. We split a pack of playmobil so it was high stakes! You can look it up or I'll explain more if you want.

Original poster
StAlphonzospancakebreakfast · 13/01/2023 07:53

@OrlandointheWilderness I do know yes! But he said my friends would all just automatically agree with me so I want to show him that strangers do too, I should have said that.

OP posts:
barmycatmum · 13/01/2023 07:55

Not at all unreasonable. He needs to help. Good God, these utterly useless men make me want to scream.

DonnyBurrito · 13/01/2023 07:56

He's being a turd because he's so used to not doing any night time parenting.

Why is she reluctant to wake her dad up do you think? You should talk to him and set up a system where you take it in turns each night. You should also be alternating mornings, or all getting up together as a family!

DisforDarkChocolate · 13/01/2023 07:57

He's gaslighting you, and a crap parent. More than happy for you to show him this.

Sirzy · 13/01/2023 07:58

He should be helping but the bigger issue is making it so the 4 year old is only waking anyone if their is a proper problem.

put a water bottle by her bed! Only get up to help if it’s something she really needs help with.

UnicornsHaveDadsToo · 13/01/2023 08:06

StAlphonzospancakebreakfast · 13/01/2023 07:53

@OrlandointheWilderness I do know yes! But he said my friends would all just automatically agree with me so I want to show him that strangers do too, I should have said that.

You can show him my reply as I'm a man and I think he's being selfish, and you not being unreasonable at all. Both parents need to their fair share of night time getting up. There's a big difference being awake for a few seconds to tell your child to go and wake the other parent, and getting up to deal with the child. You can go back to sleep within seconds of the former but it's not so easy after the latter.

Parenting is tiring and hard work. That's why it needs to be a shared load without one of the parents being selfish and leaving everything to be done by the other, especially if both are working.

jannier · 13/01/2023 08:08

Why is he lazing in bed in the morning he doesn't even do a full days work I hope he does his fair share of housework or are you his maid too?

LookItsMeAgain · 13/01/2023 08:10

If your 4 yr old gets up and needs water, why isn't there a bottle of water or sippy cup with water in it beside their bed? Why are they coming in to either of you to get water?

Your DH should definitely be splitting the night time wakes but I think you need to get to the bottom of why your 4 yr old is waking at night. Does your DH wake them up if he goes to bed later than you? Is there too much light coming into their room from outside street lamps?

Could you get something like this: www.kidtransit.co.uk/best-travel-stair-gate/ and put it across their doorway so that they can still see out and shout if they really need to get out but everything they need is in their room? Your 4yr old needs to teach themselves how to sooth themselves back to sleep if they wake in the night, without disturbing either mummy or daddy.

Oohthatwind · 13/01/2023 08:11

I used to do this as a kid, always woke my dad though. He happily obliged every single time. I lost him 3 months ago and it’s one of my memories of how caring he was

SalviaOfficinalis · 13/01/2023 08:11

StAlphonzospancakebreakfast · 13/01/2023 07:53

@OrlandointheWilderness I do know yes! But he said my friends would all just automatically agree with me so I want to show him that strangers do too, I should have said that.

I’ve read this a few times before. If he doesn’t respect you and your opinion, why would he care about random women on the internet?

Come back to us when he says we’re all bitter man-haters 😁

rainyskylight · 13/01/2023 08:11

So depressing to read this. Another woman with a turd of a “partner”. My DH and I take it in turns, and if one of us has a big work day following or is feeling under the weather then the other will take the lead without question.

Coffeeandchocs · 13/01/2023 08:12

How was he when she was a baby? Did he do any night feeds? Change nappies?

I never understand how people don’t have conversations about the split of childcare when they’re pregnant/ have a new baby. How have you let this unfair situation continue until your daughter is four?

Zanatdy · 13/01/2023 08:15

Well if he’s going to be reading these responses (or you’re just telling him not sure) my message to him is this - why do you think you’re entitled to a full nights sleep over your partner / wife who gets woken up most nights? She’s only awake as toddler woke her up, what is entitled is your attitude that you think she should be doing all the night wakings.

I personally wouldn’t stay with someone with an attitude like that as he clearly doesn’t respect you one bit