Should I have woken him up?

[StAlphonzospancakebreakfast]

My partner and I have 3 children, the youngest is 4 and gets up every night (often several times) and comes into our room to ask for water or various things. She always wakes me up and not her dad. He never gets up with her in the night. Last night I had just managed to fall asleep and I felt her tapping me. I asked her to go and wake her dad up instead and she wouldn’t (she never will) so I woke him and asked him to deal with her. He jumped up and said that was the most selfish and privileged behaviour he had ever seen and that if I am awake anyway I should just continue to get up with her every night.
for context we both work part time and I also get up in the mornings 90% of the time and take the kids to school.
was I unreasonable?

I agree with this.

Doesn’t he consider himself to be a proper parent then? He doesn’t see it at his role to get up with his own child? Why is he then? A part time daddy?

You need to give very careful thought about why your daughter was too scared to wake him up.
It seems she clocked his abusive behaviour before you.

What a nasty man.

The only selfish and privileged one is him so he needs to stop the gaslighting bullshit.
Yet another man who thinks childcare is a woman's job.

Tell him he should also be doing 50% of the mornings/school runs as you both work part time, why should you be doing most of it?

To be honest, the main problem herre is allowing this to go on with the 4 year old waking you up multiple times in the night. It’s obviously a habit formed by the child, that seems unnecessary. Start being firm. Put some water next to their bed at night time to avoid this. Tell them that unless it’s an emergency, like feeling ill, that they should remain in bed. They’re 4 years old so old enough to learn when not to wake other people during the night.

Yet another lazy, spoiled, gaslighting, entitled man-child. What a turn off, those poor children.

I always hate being woken up by someone unexpectedly. That juddering awake because someone has tapped you makes me feel really jumpy and unsettled. When I'm already half expecting one of my kids to wake me up, it doesn't feel as bad. So, trying to be generous to your DP here, perhaps he experiences the same, and his immeadiate response was actually a reaction to that.

In which case I could understand him feeling a bit snippy and annoyed.

HOWEVER, if that really is the case, then he should still have gotten up, looked after his child, and then apologised for taking it out on you. Then in the morning you can both have a calm discussion about the disparity in sleep you're each getting, and work out how to try to fix it. I suggest, if he can't or won't take the night waking off you, then he needs to get up and let you have a lie in whenever possible.

Of course, if the above isn't really the case, then he's just being a selfish arse who thinks his sleep, health, and wellbeing, is more important than yours.

I’m not surprised she wakes you up instead of him. Yanbu.

@MangoBiscuit she gets woken up every night “by someone unexpectedly” …

Maybe he’s a selfish arse or maybe he thinks you overindulge the 4YO with these multiple night wakings and the situation is all of your own making. I can’t really tell from what you’ve posted but if she usually wakes thirsty then I don’t know why you wouldn’t give her a drink on her bedside table and it’s also odd that you’d tell her to wake another adult and not go back to bed.

Well he sounds like a dick.

yanbu
Play Matt Bianco Get out of your lazy bed on loop. Loudly!

YANBU but she's four, tell her to go back to bed.

So pleased I’m not the only one thinking this. Some of these comments make me so sad. Baffles me why people think their parenting responsibilities stop when the sun goes down. She’s only 4! Still so small. Nothing wrong with needing a cuddle in the night. I would hate it if my kids woke in the night and thought they couldn’t come to me.

Ok, thanks all and thanks for the advice on night waking too, I take that on board. I think I’m going to leave the thread now, I thought people agreeing with me would make me feel better in a self righteous way, but of course it hasn’t, it’s just made me feel sadder, I should have known that really.

I read the OP. Did you read all of my post?

If the child isn’t in distress then I would feign sleep until she gets loud enough or impatient enough for it to wake DH. He sounds like a tw*t.

Well he doesn’t deserve his kids and you certainly deserve a damn sight better than that pathetic excuse for a man. If he grudges being woken to deal with his child he clearly doesn’t view the children as his responsibility.

Just read she’s only 4, aw bless, maybe just have the mature chat with DH about sharing the parenting equally then.

Are you sure though it isn't just you being a soft touch?? What would she do if you were away and just her Dad was there (I'm 100% thinking she would not wake him and go back to bed).

I wouldn't be getting up with a 4 year old, unless they were sick or something. I'm with your partner slightly here (although I wouldn't be telling you to get up with her I'd be telling her to go back to bed.)

My Mum had the same problem with one of my DC's who insisted he only ate certain foods, with her only! It only came out when they went for school lunches at 4 and clearly ate everything...(Mum had asked me to "send a note" about the food issues, to which I replied "what food issues?" etc and it all came out)...Little devil was completely unabashed and came out with "Grandma like feeding me chicken nuggets, I tell her I don't want <whatever>, I want nuggets and she gets them!"

What a cunt.

I’d have been livid!

as a man? 🙄

Exactly, 4 is still very young.
I do sympathise with tired parents, especially because in most families, like mine, both parents have to work. I just find it hard to understand how people can suddenly turn off the comforting side of parenting at night though.