Should I have woken him up?

[StAlphonzospancakebreakfast]

My partner and I have 3 children, the youngest is 4 and gets up every night (often several times) and comes into our room to ask for water or various things. She always wakes me up and not her dad. He never gets up with her in the night. Last night I had just managed to fall asleep and I felt her tapping me. I asked her to go and wake her dad up instead and she wouldn’t (she never will) so I woke him and asked him to deal with her. He jumped up and said that was the most selfish and privileged behaviour he had ever seen and that if I am awake anyway I should just continue to get up with her every night.
for context we both work part time and I also get up in the mornings 90% of the time and take the kids to school.
was I unreasonable?

He's a selfish Arsehole

How was he when she was a baby? Did he do any night feeds? Change nappies?

I'm going to take a wild guess...

Ask him if you’re responsible fir all night time wakings, what is his contribution to 50:50 parenting that has a significant personal impact in the way chronic sleep deprivation does?

I'd be concerned at why your daughter wouldn't wake your husband even after you told her to. The way he responded to you gives me an indication as to why and that isn't okay.

Your husband is selfish.

He is an arse but also you need to stop this nighttime walking about. Give the kid a water bottle and make it clear she must only come and get you if she is unwell/has a serious problem.

He should share night duties. Though I can't see the point of waking him up if you are awake already.

But, by 4, your daughter is old enough to understand that she should only be coming in to you if there is a serious problem e.g. she's ill. So personally I would focus on that. If she needs to go to the toilet she gets up, goes, and gets back in bed. If she's often thirsty at night, then put a water bottle by her bed.

I suspect part of your partner refusing to get up is he can't see why it's necessary at this age (I'd feel the same way). If she was coming in once a blue moon for something more urgent, it would be different.

So even your 4 year old knows daddy is useless?

Of course you’re not BU.

Perhaps because she knows dad will say "What's wrong? is it urgent? No? It's 3 in the morning - go back to bed and it can wait until tomorrow".

Which, to be honest, is how OP should be handling it too.

It’s him who is the privileged and entitled one not you! How come he gets to have a good night’s sleep every night and you don’t? Is it because he has one of those superior things called a penis? Or is it because he’s an actual dick? He needs to do his share.

On a separate note, your DD should be staying in her own bed. Sticker chart OP!

Ah ok, so it’s OP’s fault.

How do you explain the OPs husband not getting up in the morning with the kids then? She says she has to do this and the school run 90% of the time.

Yes, my thoughts exactly.

YANBU - I've done this before and not had that reaction.

I think biologically the mum naturally wakes and males aren't as in tune with children but they should still get up with a prod and not be a prick about it.

For a ray of hope, my DSD woke up every night and called for her dad until she was around 4.5. (She just needed a teeny cuddle and then went back to sleep). She stopped doing it by herself - no input from us required. I have to say that five odd years on she’s still an expert at stealthily sneaking into our bed in the dark of night from time to time!
And yes - I fully agree your partner should do his share. My partner was always happy to get up and reassure his child. Yours should be too.

Have my first LTB of the day !

I'm not sure I'd have woken him but in principle I can see why you did. You need to talk to your daughter though about not waking you up. Our DD did this whole tapping me on the shoulder thing for ages, I sat her down and explained I want to help her, but waking me up in the night makes it really hard for me to do all my jobs. She's stopped doing it and instead wants me to cuddle her to sleep and she then sleeps through.

A four year old should not be getting up in the night unless they've had a wild nightmare or are sick.

Get her a gro clock and put a cup of water on her bedside table. If she's awake before the rest of the household in the morning she stays in her room to read books and quietly play with toys.

Your husband is an arse of the highest order however.

I think it's very telling about what kind of person he is that his daughter doesn't want to wake him.

It's very selfish and privileged behaviour to think that he shouldn't be woken up but you should, every single time. And I don't believe he never wakes up when she comes in. He just ignores her because he knows you'll wake up and sort it.

In general, I think it makes no sense for the person already awake to wake the other person too. That said, this is a different situation as it's happening every night, so there needs to be some sharing of the load.

At 4, your DD should not be coming into your room nightly, let alone several times a night. This really needs to be dealt with by both of you. Water bottle by the bed. Firm talking to (during the day) that she's not to wake you during the night unless it's an emergency, and you BOTH stick to it. If she comes in during the night, send her straight back to bed with no "reward" or fuss and cuddles. I suspect OP panders to her during the night, where as her OH doesn't hence why she only wakes OP every night.

He is the one being selfish if he knows you’re up with her every single night. Yes he probably got a fright and then was a little miffed he’s had to get out his nice warm bed but it’s ridiculous to react that way. What he needs to think about is if you were out or working then he would be required to do it all on his own.
I regularly wake my husband up for things to do with our dd. He might have a little moan in the morning that he’s tired but he always says, I know you are too and hopefully this stage passes quickly. He wouldn’t be annoyed at me for doing it! He’s a parent and fully understands that it’s 50/50.

YANBU. Of course nobody actually wants to get woken up to do things in the middle of the night. He needs to see things from your perspective a bit more.

This.

Tell him from me he's a being a selfish arsehole and he should have done something about this inequality long before this. Either he does 50% of the wakings or he gets up with the children in the morning if you've had a broken night and leaves you to sleep in.

My DH would think he was pathetic and selfish too, if that means more to him - he's always done his fair share of this sort of thing and is a bit contemptuous of dad's who don't.

Not unreasonable at all.
I have the same problem, I get up every night from day one and every morning at 6am.
apparently he needs his sleep I’m told or can’t function.

Yet another not so dear husband who sees his wife as less of a person than him. It's depressing. Don't stay with someone who sees you as less of a human than them. Already your daughter knows that the man can skip out of caring duties (his fault not yours).

He doesn't love someone who he believes should bear the brunt work. He just loves having someone to do the grunt work. Plus he is a gaslighter. He has accused you of being privileged and selfish when it is utterly clear that as the person doing fuck all, he can only be describing himself.

No wonder so many marriages end in divorce when there's so much male privilege and misogyny still going on.

You talk about the child as if she’s a dog. We’re so weird in this society about children and sleep. We sleep in a bed with our partners for comfort but our children must sleep alone and not disturb us unless it’s an emergency.