Should I have woken him up?

[StAlphonzospancakebreakfast]

My partner and I have 3 children, the youngest is 4 and gets up every night (often several times) and comes into our room to ask for water or various things. She always wakes me up and not her dad. He never gets up with her in the night. Last night I had just managed to fall asleep and I felt her tapping me. I asked her to go and wake her dad up instead and she wouldn’t (she never will) so I woke him and asked him to deal with her. He jumped up and said that was the most selfish and privileged behaviour he had ever seen and that if I am awake anyway I should just continue to get up with her every night.
for context we both work part time and I also get up in the mornings 90% of the time and take the kids to school.
was I unreasonable?

This. It's not good for a 4 year old to always be waking several times a night

I agree with this. It really isn't ok for a 4 year old to be getting up several times a night for various reasons.
As PP has said, give her a water bottle by her bed and make it clear she only gets up for something really important.
She'll be starting school soon and won't be able to cope if she's not getting a good night sleep.
All the best OP

Wise choices OP.

His apology & hint of opening his mind to - SHOCKER! - actually doing 50% of the parenting is encouraging.

Yanbu. Infact I think this is the time he needs to step up. My daughter used to do this and come and wake me up ‘to use the toilet ‘ even though she doesn’t need to go most times, just wants some cuddles however when she realised DH will be the one attending to her, she just stopped waking up altogether unless she really needs to go now which hasn’t happened in months !

Yes, thats what I think too, thank you for putting in words. The image of a frightened or unahappy child stuck in their bedroom alone at night is a very sad picture.

The thing is though, you've trained your 4yo to come to you, because you get up and deal with her!

I do think your DH was unreasonable in what he said/refusal to help, but tbh if you woke me up for something you were already awake for - and usually dealt with/seemed to encourage - I'd be cross in that moment too!

You really need to sort out why your child is coming in to you every night. By this age they should be sleeping through the night, reliably. (Bad dreams/illness etc to one side)

No point both being awake so I'd suggest him getting up in the mornings. And you stop pandering yo your 4 Yr old.

Nobody is saying the child should be staying in their bedroom if they are frightened or unhappy.

From what OP says, her DC has got into the habit of waking up and coming in to ask for a drink or similar. However there are very few things a 4 year old actually needs in the middle of the night. This isn't a healthy habit (the 4 year old needs her sleep as well as OP) and it would be best to discourage it.

If she felt ill or she'd had a bad dream or she'd lost her comfort toy (that would constitute an emergency in our house) then of course it's fine to go and see her parents. But from what OP says, that doesn't to be the reason that she's coming in.

She goes to you because she knows you will care for her. She does not go to him because she knows he is the uncaring one and will probably be angry with her. Entitled people have shirt tempers and a childish disposition.

It’s ok, one of us will carry on getting up for her if she needs it. I appreciate people have different parenting styles, I don’t mind if people want to sleep train, I’m pleased they are getting a good nights sleep! And I don’t mind if people think I’m pandering her. I do put water by her bed. We are all just doing what we think is best.

My DH mentions being woken in the night, but I'd love to be woken up knowing I can roll over and go back to sleep.

It's difficult to vote. I have a husband who sleeps through anything while I am a light sleeper. It wouldnt occur to me to wake him up when I am awake anyway. However he does stuff in the mornings especially since working from home.

Ignore the posts that are like, sorry you're with a horrible guy. I mean is that supposed to help!? I do despair sometimes.

However, he should never call you selfish and entitled. My husband doesn't wake up at night and he's not a b** or whatever. It's our arrangement. If I suddenly asked our kid to wake him up my husband would assume there's an emergency and be grumpy. There are also trade offs like my husband is not woken up at night be he watches our child whilst I have a nap if I need one. It works for us.

Clearly if you're too tired and find your arrangement unfair it doesn't work.

You need a proper conversation where you agree how this will work. So you have 3 kids, could he be up for one of them, or from a certain time it's his turn.

Tell him to get a full time job ffs 😳

Of course tan I. Your dh on the other hand is being unreasonable for two thing, firstly for not doing his fair share of nights and secondly for being an arse for calling you names

Every other night from now onwards wake him of your dc come in. If he moans tell him it's now 50/50 for night wakings

Hmm. Now you're sounding a bit martyrish. If you know you could have 'trained' (horrible word) your child to sleep better, and you've chosen not to, then I am absolutely with your DH and would be cross about being woken up.

Does he agree with it being OK for your DD to come in and wake you regularly?

You say one of us will carry on getting up for her if she needs it but from your OP it's only you who is doing this. Does he think she should be asleep?

The fact that he works part-time is neither here nor there. You still seem to think it's OK to wake him up. I'd be livid if my partner woke me up for something only they think is important!

Four year old getting up in the night is normal. In many cultures 4 year olds still sleep with their parents. It's not your fault they get up. You don't 'really need to sort it' and I like how this post assumes it's just down to you mum.

Though there might be things you can do. Like of they're getting up for the toilet, wake them up for that before you get in bed. Consider if they're too warm, cold etc..

Your DH is an entitled git and his daughter has learned from him, to treat you the same way. Because you always cave in.

Tell her she mustn't come and wake you up in the night because it makes Daddy VERY ANGRY. Next time she appears just play dead while secretly poking DH in the ribs.

I know MNetters fall over themselves about gaslighting...but this isn't it. Twattish behaviour, maybe. But not gaslighting.

Yes I agree, she should just do everything and get over any frustration, become superhuman and also take full responsibility for training her children. Clearly children waking in the night is very strange, 100 percent the mums fault, that poor father.

Everyone knows suppressed rage and one partner doing more than the other is great for marriage.

(I'm not serious on this)

Why? Why isn’t it healthy to want to be near someone you love at night? I often wake in the night and snuggle in closer to my husband for comfort. Why is it considered unhealthy for a child to want someone they love for comfort? It’s because as a society we have put expectations on children, that they should be independent of us, especially at night. If you actually ask yourself why, do you have any actual reasons for why a child should only come to you in the night for reasons you consider to be an emergency?

If the reason is because you’re too tired, you have work the next day, you have another child to care for etc. then I totally understand! Put boundaries in place if you feel you need to, to get a good night’s sleep. But to suggest it isn’t healthy for a child to want a parent in the night, isn’t true.

A bloke's perspective here. He's a selfish twat.

Agreed. The child needs to break the habit.

Didn’t mean to sound martyrish, was trying to sound non judgemental. I probably have Martyrish tendencies sometimes to be fair, I don’t think in this instance though. The ‘one of us’ was based on my previous update that he had said he would do his share. Trained is a word several previous posters used.
Neither of us mind in theory her coming in for reassurance at night (he might change his mind once he is waking more often though!), she settles immediately. She also has phases of this and phases of sleeping through the night. He doesn’t think I’m soft for waking to her, we have chosen the way we parent. He just doesn’t wake up and last night I was really tired and suddenly furious at the unfairness of it. I felt hard done by and reacted. he said I was unreasonable, I wanted to show him I wasn’t, he reached that conclusion by himself this morning.

Good update op.
Sounds like he was having an unreasonable moment (and was overly harsh for which he's apologised) and your later conversation was much more collaborative (and hopefully a better reflection on your relationship).
You sound like a lovely family.