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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I have woken him up?

136 replies

StAlphonzospancakebreakfast · 13/01/2023 07:42

My partner and I have 3 children, the youngest is 4 and gets up every night (often several times) and comes into our room to ask for water or various things. She always wakes me up and not her dad. He never gets up with her in the night. Last night I had just managed to fall asleep and I felt her tapping me. I asked her to go and wake her dad up instead and she wouldn’t (she never will) so I woke him and asked him to deal with her. He jumped up and said that was the most selfish and privileged behaviour he had ever seen and that if I am awake anyway I should just continue to get up with her every night.
for context we both work part time and I also get up in the mornings 90% of the time and take the kids to school.
was I unreasonable?

OP posts:
Squirespot · 13/01/2023 09:30

YANBU about last night, but YABU to have ever got to this situation of not taking it in turns.

So start now, whoever does the night wakings, gets to stay in bed in the morning.

Alternating the two situations.

KettrickenSmiled · 13/01/2023 09:30

He jumped up and said that was the most selfish and privileged behaviour he had ever seen and that if I am awake anyway I should just continue to get up with her every night.
😂😂😂

We all look forward to his update, where he agrees to selfishly & privilegedly get up with DC every night for the next 4 years, so that he can be proud of being just as selfish & privileged as his partner.

Seriously - if he cannot see his own hypocrisy & entitlement here, there is no hope he is ever going to snap out of it. In what other ways does he manifest his selfishness? Who does the majority of the domestic drudge & mental load?

BellePeppa · 13/01/2023 09:32

Oohthatwind · 13/01/2023 08:11

I used to do this as a kid, always woke my dad though. He happily obliged every single time. I lost him 3 months ago and it’s one of my memories of how caring he was

Hopefully OP will show this post to her DH. It’s very heartwarming.

ReneBumsWombats · 13/01/2023 09:33

BellePeppa · 13/01/2023 09:32

Hopefully OP will show this post to her DH. It’s very heartwarming.

Show quote history

He will not give a shit. He'll say he shows love in other ways, the easy and fun ways. The shitty, hard ways are for his service human.

PugInTheHouse · 13/01/2023 09:34

It's a shame the thread has made you feel sadder.

He's an arse speaking to you like that but you shouldn't have told your 4 yo to wake him, you should have told them to go back to bed, no need for anyone to be getting up. 4 isn't that young with regards to several night time wakings but both of you should be sorting this, it shouldn't be falling to you, it's not necessarily something that is resolved overnight so he should be supporting you and helping to sort the situation.

Glorianna · 13/01/2023 09:35

If you always get up with dd, how she going to learn to go to her dad?

You are right to wake him up, he needs to share in this.

Bwoah · 13/01/2023 09:42

Ha! He should come and live in my house, I do this all the time! Actually, 50% of the time. And my husband may be a bit grouchy on waking, but he has never, ever complained. Becuae they're his kids too. What if I'm not there to do it one night?

CamelFlarge · 13/01/2023 09:44

YANBU and you know it.

He can sleep in the single bed, your 4yo can come and bedshare with you as she obviously needs the comfort and connection. Easy.

Nicecow · 13/01/2023 09:45

Obviously that'd unfair. But perhaps if your child won't wake him up, is it time to stop that behaviour, she seems to only do it with you because she knows she can get away with it? Water for example, can you leave a bottle by her bed?

xogossipgirlxo · 13/01/2023 09:47

So what is this lazy ass doing with all free time while working part time and not sharing childcare with you?

toocold54 · 13/01/2023 09:48

The only way you would have been on the wrong is if he was working the next day and you weren’t.

This relationship is not an equal relationship.

Why is it your responsibility to do all of the night wakings and mornings when you both work PT and are both parents.

You need to do a night each and then the other person does the mornings and then swap around the next day.

Obviously a big issue is the 4 year old keep asking you things during the night but that’s why it’s so important for you both to support each other so you can deal with it.

Goldbar · 13/01/2023 09:48

It sounds like she's afraid of him. He's not a safe adult that she can depend upon for help.

I do more of the gruntwork including night wakings in our house because my DH works longer hours and just isn't around a lot of the time, but sometimes I do say "Ask your dad" when I'm very tired and our 5 yo takes great glee in climbing onto their dad's stomach and saying "Daddy, I need you" or "It's time to get up". They have a great relationship. DH can be a bit grumpy sometimes but 5yo takes no notice.

What is his excuse for not doing his share of the school runs?

WimbyAce · 13/01/2023 09:54

Unfortunately some men do seem to think that their needs are greater. I had a conversation with my neighbour once as they had a new baby and he said "I need my sleep". As if his wife doesn't?! Honestly I rolled my eyes. You need to ensure you aren't enabling this behaviour as I find you give them an inch and they will take a mile.

Creditscoredrop · 13/01/2023 09:58

Tell him from this random person on the internet that he is a twat. Grow up or fuck off.

Mumsanetta · 13/01/2023 10:13

You’re not being unreasonable OP but I bet you could have a thousand responses from both men and women on this thread agreeing with you and your “Dear” husband would still think we were biased/ man haters/ he is misunderstood/ you cope on less sleep better than he does/ you’ve always done it so why on earth should he. I can only hope he is richer than Croesus and has a penis made of solid gold to make up for his appalling attitude to parenting!

Yeahrightthen · 13/01/2023 10:19

God I need to stop reading MN.

Its making me properly hate men! 😂

Yes, he’s a selfish bellend OP.

TravelWeDo · 13/01/2023 10:19

Sorry you feel sadder for knowing this isn’t right.
I would tell him that if you’re doing 100% of night wakings and 90% of the child care I would ask him what the reasons for you staying with him are? It would be different slightly if you were a SAHP and you had both agreed this, but he would still be expected to chip in.

Georgyporky · 13/01/2023 10:22

I'd leave water by her bedside, & lock my bedroom door.
If she bangs on the door, play possum.

RunnerBum · 13/01/2023 10:22

I agree that if a parent needed to do something, it should be 50/50 and YANBU to wake him to do his fair share. However, I also agree with PP that, on this occasion, DD should've been told to go back to bed. She has no reason to be waking you up multiple times each night at her age. Does she go to you instead of DH because she knows you give her what she wants but DH would (rightly) tell her to go to bed? I'd be annoyed if DH woke me up to do something in the middle of the night that didn't need doing just because it was 50% my job to do if it had needed doing. For example, it's 50/50 who loads the dishwasher but if DH did it one day and then woke me up in the night to do my turn, I'd be pissed. DD needs to stop waking you up - if you keep pandering to her waking you up then I don't think it's fair that DH loses sleep over that. She's not a baby - if she were a baby then you'd be absolutely right.

TooManyPlatesInMotion · 13/01/2023 10:31

Of course you aren't being unreasonable. He sounds extremely selfish. Why is he more entitled to a decent night's sleep than you?!

My 4 year old also occasionally wakes at night and sometimes comes into us. We take it in turns, unless one of us has a particularly important day at work the following day.

gettingthere17 · 13/01/2023 10:32

I'd be more concerned that a 4 year old isn't sleeping through the night - deal with that first

Emmamoo89 · 13/01/2023 10:34

YANBU what an arsehole

KettrickenSmiled · 13/01/2023 10:34

RunnerBum · 13/01/2023 10:22

I agree that if a parent needed to do something, it should be 50/50 and YANBU to wake him to do his fair share. However, I also agree with PP that, on this occasion, DD should've been told to go back to bed. She has no reason to be waking you up multiple times each night at her age. Does she go to you instead of DH because she knows you give her what she wants but DH would (rightly) tell her to go to bed? I'd be annoyed if DH woke me up to do something in the middle of the night that didn't need doing just because it was 50% my job to do if it had needed doing. For example, it's 50/50 who loads the dishwasher but if DH did it one day and then woke me up in the night to do my turn, I'd be pissed. DD needs to stop waking you up - if you keep pandering to her waking you up then I don't think it's fair that DH loses sleep over that. She's not a baby - if she were a baby then you'd be absolutely right.

He's never done it. Even when the now 4 year old was a baby.

Your point about a 4 year old needing to be trained out of this is a good one - but THAT isn't solely OP's job either. This H needs to step up or piss off, frankly.

KettrickenSmiled · 13/01/2023 10:34

gettingthere17 · 13/01/2023 10:32

I'd be more concerned that a 4 year old isn't sleeping through the night - deal with that first

Or get the lazy, selfish partner to deal with it. Why is it soley OP's job?

Original poster
StAlphonzospancakebreakfast · 13/01/2023 10:36

Update is I didn’t show him the thread, as I reflected that this wasn’t a very grown up way to deal with a relationship issue. We haven’t seen each other this morning. He has messaged to apologise and has said I can wake him up and he will talk to her about waking him up instead. I have said that he needs to think about why she doesn’t want to go to him in the night and why he views his needs as more important than mine (or hers) and we will discuss later. Obviously I don’t see this as a happy ending, it’s just an update.

OP posts: