To wonder why so many people choose to have such a short age gap between their children?

[Lightningfast]

I hear of so many people with two children two years apart and can’t for the life of me understand why anyone would want

a. To be pregnant with a child of around only a year old
b. To have a newborn baby when the older one is still a toddler and therefore still needs support in so many really basic ways. Sure, they don’t need the same level of support as a new baby but still...

I’ve heard the ‘they will be close enough to be friends’ theory but in practice I have seen at least as many if not rather more siblings who are close in age but are not especially close emotionally and it feels a rather weak reason.
I see this happening so often, even with mothers who have really struggled with getting their first baby to feed, sleep etc. and yet seem hellbent on having another only a matter of months later. Just...why?

If this is you I’m not judging, just genuinely interested in what you are getting out of it.

We have a 20 month gap, it wasn’t exactly planned that way but we weren’t actively avoiding it either. We were both late 30s so knew if we wanted another we couldn’t hang around too long, and it had taken nearly a year to get pregnant with DD1. I got pregnant with DD2 on the second shag.

Anyway, for us, yes it was hard work to start with but it has ended up working really well. They are into the same things at the same time, they have a lot of the same friends, and they play together brilliantly. I love having them close in age, the only downside is that the small kid stage is over really quickly and I loved it!

I have 2 years between mine. These are the main reasons why we want for that age gap.

• My age. I was 30 and 32 when my children were born so I guess I could have waited longer, but I didn't want to.

• Work. I was already part-time after DC1 but plan to go back full-time when DC2 starts school. So it makes sense financially to have them fairly close together.

• Stuff. Bedding/baby stuff/toys/clothes etc were reused. I didn't want to have to store it all for years (they're both boys - but obviously it wouldn't have mattered for toys/cot/lots of basic clothes etc if they had been different sexes)

• Toys and playing together. They have their own interests but also generally are at roughly the same toy stage. I would have found it hard to have one playing with Lego and one needing jumperoo and playmats. Generally speaking at 7 and 5 they can play a board/card game together, which is much easier. They also have lots of shared interests and shared toys which makes things easier (again both being boys helps here!)

"You can't enjoy it the baby (because you also have toddler) or enjoy the toddler (because you also have a baby)"

Maybe you can't. You don't speak for me. I did. And surely you could use the argument for any age. You can't enjoy the baby because you also have a pre-schooler/primary aged child etc, you can't enjoy the older child because you also have a baby....

Days out and holidays are a breeze because they’re in the same age range for stuff and at a similar level for eg swimming so we plan a day out/holiday and it suits them both. They play together very well and it’s very easy and has been since the youngest was probably 2.5. I have just over a 2 year gap. Even down to reading the same chapter book at bedtime, obviously they sometimes have different eg older one likes Harry Potter, younger one not quite there yet but they’ve both just enjoyed the Christmasaurus together. Now, similar bedtimes, appreciate that may change.

Getting nappies out of the way. Similar abilities for days out once 3/5 soft play etc.

Yep, totally agree with all of that : It was just the way it worked out. I did have a cleaned though and my mum was local so I relied on her, and my dad.

Have 22 month gap, which was slightly smaller than planned (DC1 took a year to conceive; DC2 took about 20 minutes 😂)

I did want nearer two years than three though, because:

1. Disliked the baby stage, wanted to get it all out of the way.

2. Wanted them to be at similar stages at the same time so they would enjoy the same sort of things... As a PP says, wouldn't want to be dragging an older child around to toddler things, or conversely, the younger child missing out due to older child activities. Can do more things together as a family.

3. I do think in theory that as children, they're more likely to want to play with each if they are closer in age. It's worked out for us; they do argue occasionally, but most of the time are best friends and will spend hours playing with each other, with no input needed from me!

4. Was mid-30s when had DC2, didn't want to be much older.

5. I'm more of a delayed gratification type - yes, the first couple of years were tough, I didn't get that respite from lack of sleep, babyhood stage in the middle, but it has definitely paid off now.

My two are now 6 and 4, both at school, both sleep through the night... I see parents with children same age as my eldest with babies and toddlers, complaining of sleepless night and the terrible twos and feel very glad we ended up with the age gap we have.

For me it was because of my age, I was going into my 40's with my second. The same for my other friends who have two close together. Although for one friend who is also an older mother she had an important job and realistically couldn't take too much time out raising children.

The reason all my friends who chose to have more than one had them close together was career.

Though a couple who had them youngish also just wanted to have them over and done (they didn’t use those words!) with the idea of being able to enjoy their 40s child-free.

Yeah I couldn't have done a small age gap. Currently expecting baby 2 will have a 4 Yr age gap which feels more doable to me.
I know many siblings close in age that don't get on so I didn't see the point in rushing. 1 toddler at a time will hopefully be easier!

We had two relatively close together (2 years). The toddler/newborn stage was hideous. Found it incredibly hard.

However, they are quite close now they are teens.

What I had completely forgotten about was the uni fees. Jesus, having 2 of them at uni at the same time is going to be eye-watering. No-one ever tells you this!!!!

Big age gaps can also have issues. There is 8 years between DS and DSS. it is next to impossible to find activities that work for both of them.

DSS is growing out of things like legend just as DS is at the age he would enjoy it. If we went to somewhere like alton towers DSS wouldn't want to go to the Chenies part and DS is too small for the proper rides. We go to the beach but DS ( 2 last summer) only paddles in the sea while DSS goes in for hours to body board. Even at home DSS wants to play cards, board games, videogames that aee way over the head of DS. Essentially it means we end up using a divide and conquer approach so family time isn't really that.

I had my second son recently meaning there are 2 years 10 months between the younger boys. While yes I realise they may not get on / have different interests the general concept of age appropriate actives will be easier

2 years is a great age gap.

Easier having the baby/ toddler years/ nappies/ learning to walk phases overlapping.
Small gaps between being in different nursery/ school set-ups. May be helpful for sibling priority for school admissions.
Toys/ interests more likely to overlap.
Clothes can be handed down soon after not waiting for years going fusty/ out of date.
Trashing your body in a small window of time with just enough recovery when the broody hormones kick in at 18m.
Being slow and pregnant while the toddler dawdles around painfully slowly.
More options on family size for the future.

I know childcare costs are a big factor on school age age-gaps, but the thought of going back to square one just as life gets easier and more flexible was not appealing to me.

We had 3.5 years between ours and that felt right for us… then 2nd pregnancy was twins. I actually love how they have a friend to experience things with, especially now they’reat secondary because they do look out for each other. They weren’t especially close at Primary though and one is closer to dd1 if I’m honest. I still think choosing 2 close in age is madness but then some people love being pregnant and the baby stage whereas I prefer not being pregnant and the teenage years.

Get all the stressful baby days out the way in one go. I had 3 in 5 years. It was hard work but now theyre older its so much easier and I couldn't imagine starting all over again.

To be honest I knew I wanted 2, found the first quite difficult so just decided to get it over with in one go.
They are at similar stages so can take them both to the same days out etc.
I know it might not always be this way but they are very close 😊

I fully support the idea that every parent should have more kids whenever they feel it is right for them. I deliberately had a 6 year gap as I wanted to fully enjoy my first before having any more plus he was a help rather than a hindrance when my daughter was born. However I do have a problem with the constant moaning from some parents who have 2 under 2 etc and how stressful it is. Once you have 1 baby you know how hard it is so don't rush for the next one if you aren't sure you can cope!

I had 3 under 3 - 13 month and 22 month gaps. They are 11, 13 and 14 now. It’s ace - I have genuinely loved it and have no regrets about our small age gaps. They are incredibly close and it really wasn’t that hard when they were small. They are all lolling on the floor together now - two are playing chess and one is doing homework.

This is also true. I'm the youngest of 3, the middle child is 4 years older than me and the eldest is 9 years older than me.

I felt full blown resentment from them as a child, I'd want to go to play centres or go watch certain films etc at the cinema, the eldest really would not come with us and the middle child would absolutely flip. But I was too young to participate in things they wanted to do.
It ended up where every family day out was split and my parents hated it, one of them would take me to something appropriate for my age, whilst the other took the middle child to something she wanted to do - the eldest would go to my grandmas or her friends. We never had days out as a whole family.

Then when we were all in the house, there were always arguments about chores, I wasn't old enough to have any proper ones and the eldest would argue 'well if she doesn't have to do them why should I' 😳
I also felt lonely quite alot. I remember the middle child being told/asked by my parents to play with me and it was always forced, or met with alot of negativity toward me from them.
The eldest became wayyy too cool to have anything to do with us haha, and then the middle child started having sleepovers etc, I ended up being sent to grandmas when she would have them because she would get annoyed by me being there and me wanting to be involved.

This.

I needed to get the hell out of the newborn zone as quickly as possible! Also, less disruption to career opportunities - I think I've handled the balance between work and parenting well, so it's all worked out for the best

I didn't plan to have any close together, but ended up with 3 under 3, plus a 6 Yr old too. When I fell pregnant and my baby was 7m old, I just thought well if I'm changing one nappy, I might as well be changing two. No big deal really. My biggest gap is between 4 and 5 which turned out to be 3y 11m, and I think it was actually easier to have them closer together.

I will be forever grateful that my DC are close together, was still on mat leave when fell pregnant with next DC. It’s painful financially as double nursery and maternity pay but other than that found it worked out far better for career and everything comes together with moving on to next stage almost same time and they are best of friends with very similar interests and that helps so much now at school with afterschool clubs etc, I don’t have the issue of needing to be in opposite directions due to dc being at different stages. I think I would have found it harder having a 3-4 year gap as it drags that younger baby/toddler stage out for soooooo much longer and activities and clubs etc get harder to juggle

Different strokes for different folks innit? Many people who have their DC close together would struggle to understand large age gaps - why would you want to go back to the no sleep/constant nappy changing/covered in milky vom stage after years away from it?

Same. I love having a close pair. Yes hard work at first but worth it now they have similar interests etc. I pity the people dragging toddlers to older kids activities, or even more the children who can't attend evening clubs because of toddlers bedtimes etc.

I think people are allowed a moan though,
I have friends with babies close in age and then friends with huge age gaps between their kids, and they all moan the same, but I don't question their ability to cope or their decisions

We're human

We're allowed to moan haha