To wonder why so many people choose to have such a short age gap between their children?

[Lightningfast]

I hear of so many people with two children two years apart and can’t for the life of me understand why anyone would want

a. To be pregnant with a child of around only a year old
b. To have a newborn baby when the older one is still a toddler and therefore still needs support in so many really basic ways. Sure, they don’t need the same level of support as a new baby but still...

I’ve heard the ‘they will be close enough to be friends’ theory but in practice I have seen at least as many if not rather more siblings who are close in age but are not especially close emotionally and it feels a rather weak reason.
I see this happening so often, even with mothers who have really struggled with getting their first baby to feed, sleep etc. and yet seem hellbent on having another only a matter of months later. Just...why?

If this is you I’m not judging, just genuinely interested in what you are getting out of it.

There are twenty five months between my two. I was thirty four when I had my son so time wasn't on my side. I also stopped work for seven years and got the whole early years/pre school done without a huge gap.

I used those words. I didn't want to start the baby stage again and re buy everything.

18 month gap. I did it all in one go to get through stages at once. My boys are so close and I'm so glad I did it. They're into the same things at the same time..they share toys, like the same films and enjoy the same activities. I never had the jealousy from the eldest as he was only 18 months when the second was born. Maternity leave also meant more time with both.

That is so lovely! There is going to be 9 years between my eldest and youngest when this baby is born so it’s nice to hear! There is a similar gap between my eldest and youngest sibling but my youngest brother is disabled so changed the dynamic somewhat.

Because sometimes it's a surprise...,

What a horrible judgey thread! Less than 2 years between my two and it's so easy now they are 7 and 5!

They are 17 and 8 now, and they also now have a 1 year old sister! Infertility sucks but it is what it is, I’d rather the big gaps than not have them at all so we make it work. It does have its challenges, but at least they were old enough to understand and not be jealous when the next was born. And they also help me out passing things etc. And the oldest now watches the 1 year old while I collect middle from school if he’s not at college. It has its plus points too! Good luck with yours, I’m sure they will be great together! X

Completely agree. Plus I think some of us just take to motherhood way easier than others so it's easy to have multiple children with small age gaps.

No judgment on those who struggle and need bigger gaps, but for me it's been fab. Small age gaps, all like the same things / have things in common, so can all do proper family activities that please everyone.

Completely agree. Plus I think some of us just take to motherhood way easier than others so it's easy to have multiple children with small age gaps.

I had a small gap between my two, but I still think that the above is one of the most smug things I've read on mumsnet.
🙄

“Proper” family activities as opposed to what exactly?

I guess it's just personal preference and then also just how it happens? My eldest is 8, and I was 24 when I had her, then we decided fairly soon that we wanted another and to start trying when she was around 8 months old. We wanted to have them close as I struggled with pregnancy (hypremesis) and I thought it would be easier to do them close together now when I know what to expect, have a baby still so already sleepless nights, still buying nappies etc. my 2nd was born when my youngest was 19 months, and the age gap between them is wonderful, they are one school year apart so play in school alot together and it was a really smooth transition for us having my second so soon after my first, I already was basically doing the whole new baby thing so she just got in seamlessly. We then had our third child in 2020 and at this point my two children were 6 and 4 and without a doubt that was 100 times more difficult. My two children were now sleeping through the night and enjoying older activities such as painting and playing out in the garden without me having to sit with them etc, and then suddenly having another baby it was exhausting- but I knew it would be, and the age gap between them is fine now, they love their little sister and often play with her and love mothering her! I don't think age gap will effect their relationship I think they will all be close no matter what I think the only thing for us was the fact we were so used to being parents to children at the point my 3rd was born and not babies so it took us right back and was much more difficult- like having a newborn for the first time again. But it's completely personal preference isn't it just because I think the first twos age gap worked better doesn't mean I regret having my 3rd 4 years later or that I think it was wrong? It just worked for us, and actually even though it was hard again getting used to the newborn, being abit older myself I felt alot more confident and enjoyed the first year alot more. So pros and cons to both, just do what you feel is right 😌

Do tell, what is a "proper" family activity?

I'm worried I may have done it all wrong, being one of those inadequate plebs who found it hard going having four under five.

I have three children and there’s 23 months between the oldest and youngest.

There were many reasons why I wanted my children close together, I wanted them to be at similar stages in life so everyone wanted to do similar things, a friend has two children 6 years apart and it’s a constant battle of the older one not wanting to do boring toddler things and the younger one not being old enough to do the things the eldest wants to do - though one plus side to this is they have lots of brilliant one to one time!

I wanted them to be close in age in the hopes they’d be close in general, and so far as they’ve left toddlerhood and gone into childhood it’s worked, they’re incredibly close and most evenings are spent playing together or cuddling with each other on the sofa for movie time, they support each other and care for each other immensely, honestly more than I imagined they would.

I also just couldn’t get past the idea of getting some normality back with regards to sleep and day to day life and then throwing myself back into it, so I decided to just roll from one crazy first year to the next!

Don’t get me wrong I’m not suggesting it’s all sunshine and roses, life is hectic and sometimes downright chaos, there are more toys in my house than I thought possible and if they do fall out it’s WW3, but on the whole it’s brilliant and I wouldn’t change a thing!

I really think it just depends on what works for the parents, some people have 5+ year age gaps and it’s perfect for them for so many reasons, some people have very small age gaps and that’s what’s perfect for them!

I do understand your point and can only answer for me.

I had 4 kids in 7 years and honestly nothing was so hard (for me) as going from no kids to one kid. The total loss of identity, the grief at friendships altered and lost and the sheer grinding weight of responsibility for this whole other human was an absolute fucker.

My periods came back at 15-18 months post partum each time (once we had a good 8 hour break in overnight breastfeeds) and we were very lucky with each subsequent pregnancy happening within 2 or 3 periods, weirdly each time once I got back to my pre-pregnany weight. It seemed to me to feel like that was my body being ready, I guess. I did have very uncomplicated vaginal deliveries though.

Finally, adding another child definitely doesn't double the work - physical work or, interestingly, headspace / mental load. The mental load is already most of the way there iyswim.

PPffffft.
I'm still not accepting the choice word. I guess I know a lot of people where 'choice' doesn't belong in the picture.

I know a lady had 3 babies in 25 months, 4 in space of 3.5 years. All singletons.
She was first to tell you they were all unplanned pregnancies.
She had strong anti-abortion views.
She was an ambitious person, well-groomed, very snobby in some respects, antithesis of feckless parent stereotypes.
I dunno about her family planning efforts. We didn't get that far in the conversations.
She fiercely loved her children but there was no 'choice' in close timing of their arrival.

@lljkk Was she anti contraception too?

I think it works better to have a small age gap. You have all the pram and high chair stuff and toys and baby clothes just there ready. You know them all at nursery and school. The kids are at the same level for days out ie soft play age etc. Mine have 2 years 2 months and were really good friends. I did think about having a third and thought about leaving it till the second one got to school, in terms.of finances being better, but by then I was out of the baby stage and didn't want to do it again.

I had a 3 yr 5 nth gap. Eldest had nursery most mornings so I had time to focus on my second child for a few hours each day.

I had just over 2 years between mine who are now 12 and 10. Both born before I was 30. Number 1 was an easy child though he didn’t sleep massively well he was a joy as a toddler (and still is!) so never felt difficult. First 6 months of having a toddler and baby was hard (and she was born in December so could just be the winter blues!!) but after that it’s been great fun. They have similar interests and have been at similar stages the whole time. I wanted to finish having babies by 30 because I have MS and it will progress as I age so wanted to be able to run around after them while I could!

A two year age gap is ok, but my mind is blown by the people who go for less, 12-18 months between babies. It's madness. Your body needs time to heal, and not just the 6 weeks it takes to stop bleeding! Pregnancy is a huge physical event, to do it several times close together is not healthy. Just because you 'were ok' doesn't mean it's a good idea. Nature spaces children out at roughly 3 year intervals, (breastfeeding reduces fertility, even though it's not a 100% contraception, lots of breastfeeding mothers find their period doesn't return for 12-18 months) and we really should be listening to that. I see so many 'cute' reels etc about 'Irish twins' and honestly I think it's madness.

The majority of my friends had their second baby at around 21 months. We had our first babies in the same week or so -met at a baby group - and had a second baby at 21 months apart -almost to the day. We all had them within the same two-week period. The longest gap was my sister, who had her second 25 months after her first.

I think there’s a logic that you’ll be over the nappy phase sooner and back to being able to sleep through sooner etc.
But I agree, most kids I know who are that close have big sibling rivalries and home life is a lot more fractious than when kids are a good 3y apart. Huge over generalisation and there’ll be lots of exceptions to that I’m sure. Each to their own.
I’m very glad to have had a 3y gap and able to have lots of 1:1 on mat leave with both (during 15-30h free childcare hours) and they’re really close.

To get the baby/ toddler stage over and done with. As they grow they have similar age related interests, in school at same time. I don't know why you would want big gaps to be honest

UK based so we tried (as best we could) to make it work for us financially to tie in with my maternity leave. I returned to work expecting our second but work had someone in post to do my job during my leave, & she happily agreed to return a few months later when I commenced my second maternity leave. I’m not going to lie, it was chaos at home…which only became more chaotic when number three came into the mix two years later - a bit of a surprise & proof that even when older, you should be very careful! We’d three under school age at home so some days just getting all of us dressed was an achievement! We didn’t have childcare or help from others. I’m not going to lie, I lost a bit of myself along the way. I was never a priority for myself & self care etc was nonexistent. My hubby is an only child & he always said he didn’t want that for our firstborn. Our three are so close, our middle & youngest especially so. I’ve also found a better balance now that all three are at school. Age was against us (hubby a lot older than me) so obviously that was a contributing factor too.

My hubby and I have done both. We have a 14yr old, 2yr old and 9mth old. I say the big age gap is the worst thing ever. Its much better to have them closer in age. The 12yr 2mth age gap wasn't anything to do with not wanting more we just couldn't fall pregnant again and the now 2yr old was a welcome shock. We wanted another and because we are now late 30s we didn't want to wait too long for a 3rd admittedly we didn't expect it so soon as we obviously had trouble conceiving 2nd. With a closer age gap you get to do everything as a family. No one is too old for something or too young for something. So we go on a family day out, little ones want to see animals or go to soft play etc. Oldest obviously doesn't want to and prefers waterboarding at the beach, adventure golf, bowling etc which the little ones really don't and can't do. You get them into schools close together so you don't have one finishing school and others starting it. You get yourself together faster as it's the same routine eg. Eldest has after school activities and it's difficult having to wake little ones up from naps to take them to an under 15s football match where its almost 2hrs out plus travel time. The little ones are bored and can't let them play just in case a rogue ball knocks them out plus it's blooming cold poor mites lol. It's helps them learn compassion and role play so much easier and better for their social skills. My eldest was in private nursery from being a baby as well as lots of baby groups but it's not the same. It is so much easier with a shorter age gap x

My two are 14 months apart and it was totally planned. I had my first when I was 30 and when he was 4 months old I wanted to give him a sibling. There are 16 months between me and my sister and we grew up as best friends and I wanted the same for my children.
I loved having two babies at the same time and once the first year was over, their needs have been pretty much the same. When my second son was born, I had a year off as mat leave, then only went back to work for a few months before deciding to take 3 years off to be a SAHM with them, which was amazing, and something that would have been much harder with a bigger age gap. They have always played together, of course they fight at times, but what siblings don’t? When we go out or on holiday, having two similar aged kids means everything is age-appropriate for both of them and we’re not trying to find suitable things to do for different aged children. They are only one school year apart so their needs have been very similar there too.
They are now 15 and 16 and still the best of friends. One did his GCSEs last year and the other is doing them this year, so they are helping each other with revision, and they will do the same with A levels.
Everyone does what works for them, but for me, this is perfect.