To wonder why so many people choose to have such a short age gap between their children?

[Lightningfast]

I hear of so many people with two children two years apart and can’t for the life of me understand why anyone would want

a. To be pregnant with a child of around only a year old
b. To have a newborn baby when the older one is still a toddler and therefore still needs support in so many really basic ways. Sure, they don’t need the same level of support as a new baby but still...

I’ve heard the ‘they will be close enough to be friends’ theory but in practice I have seen at least as many if not rather more siblings who are close in age but are not especially close emotionally and it feels a rather weak reason.
I see this happening so often, even with mothers who have really struggled with getting their first baby to feed, sleep etc. and yet seem hellbent on having another only a matter of months later. Just...why?

If this is you I’m not judging, just genuinely interested in what you are getting out of it.

I just did, I never thought of 2 years being a shockingly short gap, I was in my 20’s if that means anything and they are brilliant friends now as teens but that’s not why I had them 😄

Who on earth says you're meant to enjoy every stage?! Not everyone likes or enjoys particular ages, it's just something you have to do if you want children.

I thought the baby year was particularly awful and felt like it lasted forever and toddler years not much better but DD (7) now just gets better and better and is a delight to be with.

I actually think two years is quite a long-ish gap. Not very long, but longer than desirable - which to me would be around 18-21 months.

Mine 16-17 months apart. This wasn't a choice and I wouldn't choose it if I had my time again (20 years ago now...). However, I would probably choose a gap of less than 3 years. Looking at friends and family whose children are more spread out in age, they are dealing with a wide range of different stages, abilities and needs at once. It's harder to find activities, daily schedules, house rules, holidays, etc. that suit everyone. They spend more years having to deal with different childcare providers or schools. And it is, on the whole, less likely that the children will spend lots of time together and that they will happily hang out with each other's friends. And, if I'm honest, I like the fact that the period when you are very tied down by childcare doesn't last as long!

I'm not struggling, my children are not babies and toddlers any more.

So you are really saying people who don't enjoy every minute shouldn't have kids? Taking into account that one cannot know that before one actually has kids, should we have given them up then? What a bizarre opinion. Does it apply to other areas as well? I don't particularly enjoy certain aspects of my job that I otherwise love, so I shouldn't work?

@ClubhouseGift

how can you love the experience but find the prospect of repeating so aversive??

thats the bit I don’t get!

again not being goady, just genuinely curious!

if I didn’t like something and I had a choice in whether or not to do it again I definitely wouldn’t! Especially when I think about how many siblings don’t get on as adults.

It’s taken me a while to get pregnant with my first baby. In an ideal world, we would love to have 3 or 4 if we are lucky enough. Baby is due April, I intend and very much hope to be pregnant this time next year again!

I didn't enjoy the baby/toddler stage much at all. I'd have much rather skipped that and started from about age 3-4! However, that's not an option and I would still choose to have children - I'm expecting to know them (and possibly their families) for around 50 years or so, as well as having the knowledge that they and will go on after me, so perfectly happy to put up with the first 3!

Having said that, I think the first years were much harder for me because they were so close in age (16-17 months). So I don't subscribe particularly to the "get the early years out of the way" model. I think the benefits of having children close in age which I mentioned in an earlier stage kick in from age 3-ish and last right through to teens and the young adult stage.

Because I love the joy and laughter, I love watching them reach each milestone and learn to walk, talk, and become their own people with little personalities and likes and dislikes.

I don’t like the disrupted sleep or food mess or changing nappies, but having actual babies and toddlers is amazing.

So would I class those as normal day-to-day activities. As apparently you do a trip to a museum (and me, I’m lucky enough to have them in easy distance). Those day-to-day activities may also be easier with children of similar ages for some people, that’s what I’m saying. And people may be lumping that all in, especially when faced with fake-no-judgement posts.

as my post said, we’re all different.

Oh you wee numpty.

how can you love the experience but find the prospect of repeating so aversive??

thats the bit I don’t get!

Because you can love the smell of your babies head, the tiny cuddleyness, there little smiles, seeing them watch and absorb the world around them, feel joy as the get excited and kick their arms and legs, see them starting crawl, take their first steps, learn the do little things, their laughter, learning to talk. there is so much joy in watching your babies grow.

At the same time you can not love or enjoy, the sleep deprivation, the crying, the colic, the relentless feeding and nappy changing, the puking, the military operation just to leave the house for a pint of milk, the lack of money, the boringness of samey days, the having to be alert 100% 24/7

cross post with ClubhouseGift as I took so long to type, but she manged to say it in in fewer words 😊

@ThatOneChinHair

thank you!

I can see why the first list you gave is lovely whether it’s enough to outweigh the second list you cite…probs not, but I appreciate everyone is different!

It sort of works that the oldest one passes on what he’s outgrown to his younger brother, board games, computer stuff, cuddly toys etc and little brother thinks he’s amazing for being so kind. Then big brother helps him to play with them, therefore reliving his childhood while pretending he’s too cool for Ben 10 and Moshi Monsters! 😂

We all cope differently. I wanted a gap. Had one in school baby at home. Two toddlers is hard work!!!

For us the good bits outweighed the bad, plus that nappies/sleep deprivation stage is so short really in the grand scheme of things. Hence the "getting it out the way" mentality. We've now moved on to the primary school years and DDs are a delight, lovely to spend time with and so much easier.

During the teenage years however I may feel differently 🤣

My first 4 were close, I had a 4 year old, 3 year old, 18 month old and a newborn baby. I just loved caring for all my babies/children and it came so naturally to me even at such a young age (I was just turned 23 when I had my fourth). I now have another 3 children but the age gaps are a little bigger. Life is fun and busy just how i like it and there's never a dull moment! I wouldn't change a thing, my children all get a long and i love seeing them happily playing and chatting together. It brings me so much joy. They're not little for long, my oldest 4 are all teenagers now. If I could go back, I would do it all again in a heartbeat.

That's the whole point you are going through it anyway, so might as well have two, keeping the shitty bits to a shorter length of time, whilst having double the lovely bits.

that's why people have said "might as well get that stage out the way" we are not wishing part of their childhood away, we still get to enjoy it, we are just getting the shitty bit out the way in one go.

I have 4 between the ages of 9 and 3. The baby stage is over all at once. I'm not returning to it every 5 years. We knew we wanted 4 so I wouldn't want a new baby every 5 years and start again for the next 30 odd years! When I can have them close together. The hard parts done almost all together. Still time with my dh when they are a bit older and they get on well and I hope it continues, so they have similarities and hopefully stay close to each other.

Not got two yet, but thinking of a shorter age gap due to Age of me and additionally toddler has gone into her own bed AND started doing really cute things like telling me she loves me, so idea of another is quite appealing at the moment!

There are 17 months between my eldest two. For some reason we thought it might take months to conceive despite our first being a surprise! I was 19 when I had my first then 21 for second. I think for me because I was an only child and found it very lonely I wanted to make sure my daughter had a sibling sooner rather than later…..then number 3 there’s nearly 9 years between him and number 2 😂😂😂

I'd it because I didn't want my career to be regularly impacted. I wanted to get the baby stages over with quickly (it's my least favourite stage).

I can't understand why people would want to wait 6/7 years then go right back to the sleepless night stage again!

Each to their own, there isn't a better way, just different.

Just adding, all with same father as people seem to think my third must be someone else’s due to the gap 😂

I had 3 in 3 years because I wanted 3 and also wanted to return to college and get another qualification. It was very tough, in hindsight it was too much for me, I didnt cope very well. It didnt help that my middle child was a very challenging child and really affected my mental health. Those years were a blur, I didnt really get a chance to enjoy them as I was just too busy.

It is great now as they are 12-15 years old, love each other, get on fantastically well, enjoy the same activities and are so close (the two boys 12 and 13 are like twins). There are pros and cons to short age gaps.